#fscottcatsgerald

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 Alone in his room, Ieyasu shoved his writing desk aside, scattering the cold remnants of tea and the dinner you had prepared. His head was spinning; your confession repeating in his head like a mantra.

A child. Hells, what had he done? Of course he knew this was a possibility all along. He wasn’t so naïve as Tadatsugu seemed to worry at times. None-the-less, a part of him had half wished he were sterile. A foolish wish for the head of a clan, but one he dared to dream at times regardless. His own childhood had been hellacious enough that the thought of trying to raise a child was not one he dreamed of at all. 

Would his child have to face a similar hell? What would happen should he fall in battle or the Tokugawa clan be over taken? He was not immune to defeat after all. Mikatagahara had seen to that. 

If he were to fall his son would likely be killed or sent as a hostage to a rival clan. He himself had lived the life as a hostage and could only imagine the cruel fate of his own issue. Would he be tortured? Left alone with no one but himself? A shudder ran down Ieyasu’s spine as unwanted memories flooded in. 

What if it was a daughter? The life of a hostage was still a possibility albeit different. Her fate likely entailed her marriage to a man far too old with little regard to her other than as a vessel to bear children. The chances of her being treated with kindness were few and far between. 

Ieyasu had seemingly been frozen in his spot since you had fled his chambers. Slowly rising, he made his way past the mess of food on the tatami to the sliding door. As he pushed it open he let the cold breeze of the night wisp into the room. The wood of the veranda sends a chilly jolt through his body with each passing step as he mindlessly made his way around. 

Guilt slowly builds in the pit of his stomach for the way he spoke to you and for the fate that you would face should he allow you to raise his child in Mikawa. 

He could send you away. Send you home to Kyoto. There you could raise your child in the protection of normalcy. No one need know that it is his; the babe of Lord Tokugawa Ieyasu. Together you could live an average life in your family’s restaurant. He could send ninja to watch over your from a distance…or he could leave you alone entirely. Unburden him from knowing your fate. Or perhaps burden him all the more in constant wonder as to your wellbeing and that of his child. 

A sudden unexpected thought nagged him. Could he even be certain the child is his? After all, you didn’t explicitly state that it was his. You only said that you were with child. He had to catch himself on one of the wooden pillars of the veranda to stop him from stumbling into the garden bellow. For a moment, the blind rage he had experienced earlier returned at the mere notion that the child you bore was another man’s. 

A sharp intake of the biting air brought him back to his previous reality. No. This child was his, he was sure of it. He could already imagine his golden curls framing kind eyes that matched your own on the face of his unborn child that you carried. 

An unexpected longing took hold as he imagined watching you play together in the garden in the warm summer sun. As quickly as his rage and come and gone, he felt the prickle of tears well in his eyes and begin to cascade down his icy cheeks. 

Hells how he longed to hold you and your child in his arms; to see your smile and feel the warmth of your presence. He had hardly realized it when he reached your door that he had been drawn to you all along.

“Y/N…” his voice rasped, heavy with sorrow and guilt for the way he had acted. “I’m coming in.” He didn’t give the option to deny him entry nor wait for a response. 

Sliding the door open he found your candles still lit, but your form huddled on your futon; tear marks staining your cheeks and asleep. Gently he slid the door closed behind him and slipped down beside you. Slowly he began to reach out to wake you, but stopped himself before he could touch your sleeping form. 

“I’m sorry…” he muttered instead. “I’m so sorry. I’m afraid.” His own tears continued to fall towards his balled fists resting in his lap. His words were quiet. Timid. Apologetic. 

Little did he know that you weren’t actually asleep. Holding in your hiccupped sobs as best you could you listened intently as he confessed to you his fears. 

“Ieyasu…” you finally cut him off while rolling on your side to face him. Your hand reached out to grasp his own and you could feel him stiffen. You watched as his eyes went wide and his rambled muffling of his fears ceased. 

Slowly you pulled yourself up to meet his amber eyes. For a moment you study him intently before pulling him towards you in an embrace. His face buries in your chest and you can feel his tears slowly seeping into your kimono; your own tears steadily wetting his hair. 

“I love you…forgive me…I was…afraid.” His voice is low but it reverberates into your skin. You can feel his guilt dripping from each word and pull him closer. 

“I love you too; please let me stay by your side.” As if knowing he had considered sending you away…again…you slip in the last bit. 

Ieyasu’s fingers grip into your back tighter, pressing your bodies impossibly close. 

“I will never let you leave me.” Resolute, he pulls away just enough to meet your eyes as he says it. “Is that understood?” 

Biting your lip to hold back a sudden sob, you nod in response. Deftly Ieyasu pulls you in for a brief kiss. His lips perfectly capturing your own, he holds you close. 

“Let’s get some rest. I can’t have you putting my child at risk by not getting enough rest.”