#frustrastion

guy: oh kool!, youll have to show me sum of your work! i like designing my own clothes...... i was looking at old messages.... i said before i was guna ask u out on a date

me: Oh, did I ever mention I'm aromantic? I'm sorry, I thought I had it on my profile. I can show you some art that I drew for my sisters on Valentine's.(YES IT WAS ON MY PROFILE)

guy: aromantic?

me: Yeah, I put it on my freedating profile.

me: This is the subset of aromantic that I identify as. http://aromantic.wikia.com/wiki/Idemromantic

guy: oh i see... how can u think that though if youve not had a date? :/

me: *internally* Oh no, this is what the people on the aro blogs were talking about.

me: Okay well, I've never had a crush, never felt the desire to be in a relationship, never understood how other had that desire or why, I feel uncomfortable when I think of myself in a romantic situation or when someone compliments me in a way that others typically identify as a flirtatious or romance suggestive manner. It makes my skin crawl when people (other than like my parents) say anything like "you're so beautiful". And I cringe a lot at romantic gestures and the like. And the thought of going on a date, with anyone, literally anyone, make me wanna crawl in my bed and stop interacting with people. Because I just feel, so awkward so uncomfortable, even just imagining being in that situation.

guy: oh right.. thats different! lol..... so would it be pointless to even meet as friends then?....oh your not the only1 who has difficulties either :(

me: *internally* what? difficulties? what are you talking about?

me: It would only be pointless if you wished to pursue it in a romantic way. Difficulties what? I was just explaininghow I feel that make me identify as aromantic. I wouldn't call those traits difficulties. Are you referring to social anxiety or?

We can still become better friends, should you wish to.

guy: well yeah, ive dealt with anxiety and depression for years, im just saying maybe u dont no how it feels to be in a relationship?? or youve maybe given up trying for sum reason? i dont no... im not judging either, just curios

me: I don't understand? If I have no desire or inclination to be in a relationship, so unless I forced myself into a relationship that I don't wanna be in anyway, how can I experience a relationship to know I don't want one? I'm confused.

guy: im just saying how do u no unless u tried it?..... i dont like sum foods, but ive tried them to no that i dont... if that makes sense

me: *getting REAL tired of this shit* But how does one try being in a relationship? If you already know you aren't going to be comfortable in that situation why would you bother trying it?

guy: because u may find its actually sumthing youve always wanted but didnt realise it for sum reason... i dont no, maybe theres sum psychology involved? repressed memories?.. could be anything, maybe youve never felt like anyone was interested so subconsiously u gave up?

Someone answered:  Biggest frustations ko yung di ko pinaglabanan yung dreams ko. Naging sunod sunuran ako over my parents. Takot akong masabihan na naging masamang anak ako kaya I followed rules. Now im growing up, di ko alam ano yung totoong gusto ko. Hindi ko kilala sarili ko. Weak ako. Iyakin ako. Di ko kayang itayo yung sarili ko when Im being a failure. Lagi akong walang confidence. And connected na lahat. Kung pinaglaban ko siguro sarili ko, di ako puzzled out ngayon sa buhay ko. Siguro masaya ako. Di ako gabi gabing umiiyak kasi naiisip kong failure yung buhay ko.

Grr to the world!!!!

How can I want certain things, yet not want them, at the same time!?!

This is a seriously irritating feeling!

When I have the thing, I tend to ignore it. Or hold myself back from it. And at the worst, I enjoy it for a tiny bit, then wish it were no longer there.

And when the thing is gone.... all I want, IS THE THING!!!!!!

I want to hold it, protect it, love it, and simply just be with it. I feel like I NEED it.

And it is driving me insane trying to understand this, because I can't. Every way I look at it, it all confuses me.

All of it confuses me!

Human/Animal emotions, needs, and instincts confuse me so much!

Yet at the same time, they can make some sense.

I don't get it!

SO again I say it.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!