#freshman issue

Thai Taste

Taste of Thai

House of Thai

House of Tasty Thai

Haunted Thai House

Tasty Taste of House Thai

Son of Thai Taste

Taste That? That’s Thai

The House That Pad Thai Built

Bangkok Gardens

You guys wanna know what sex is like? Well, I can tell you. I can tell you, because I have definitely had sex. A LOT of sex. Yeah.

So, sex. Sex is…amazing. It feels amazing. Like masturbating, only better. The first part of sex is, uh, the beginning, and it’s my favorite part, because it means we still have all that sex to do. We start by getting naked. I always help her take off her clothes, which is kind of difficult, if you think about it, because everything’s backwards from my perspective. Plus I’m usually distracted by her lingerie, which is SUPER sexy. It has, like, lace and stuff. Then she helps me take off my clothes, in a fast/slow kind of way. She looks really good naked. She’s got these boobs that are like, you know, right where they are supposed to be. And they feel really good, like lots of skin in one place, like a butt. When we start kissing (still naked), she asks me sexy questions, like: “What is your favorite sexual position?” and “Remember last time we had sex? It was so sexy.” And I tell her other sexy things like, “Yeah, and I’m gonna sex you up again,” and “Hey babe, you ready for my sex?”

Then we start, you know, the middle part. We’re usually super sweaty by that time, because it’s been an hour. The middle is my second favorite part of sex, because, I just feel so horny. It’s when all the action goes down, you know. The part where I put my, uh, thing, in her, uh, holder. We like to do this a lot, because that’s what sex is, and it feels really awesome. My girlfriend is really good at sex; she got like an A- in her biology class, and she knows all the parts of the male body, like the penis and the balls. Of course, I’m also really good at sex. I know because she told me I am, and it makes sense, because I’ve had a lot of practice masturbating, and I saw an NC-17 movie once by accident.

Anyway, after the middle part comes the end part, when we both have orgasms at the same time. Orgasms also feel amazing. They’re pretty hard to describe to someone who’s never had one before, but  I guess I would say they’re like the peak of the plateau phase of the sexual response cycle, characterized by an intense sensation of pleasure, and experienced by males and females. Yeah, that’s about right. After, when she is helping me put my clothes back on, and I am helping her put on her clothes, we like to talk about all the porn we watched that week. And then we like to talk about the sex that we’ve had in the past, all of that sex. We’ve had a lot of sex, so that always takes a while. Then she bikes back to her house, but I know she’ll be back, because we’re dating, and girls like to have sex, especially my girlfriend, probably because I’m so good at it.

Oh yeah and I wore a condom.

“Let’s grab a meal sometime” = I never want to see you again

“So do you know what you’re doing this summer?” = I do, and I really want to tell you

“I’m from ‘the city’” = I grew up amidst fabulous luxury on the Upper East Side, pleb

“How about lunch in Saybrook?” = I’m trying to poison you

“Handsome Dan” = that super hairy AEPi bro who really hates cats

“Walk of shame” = That long walk to the front of the room to give a presentation that you aren’t adequately prepared for

“FroCos” = Frog corpses

“Woads” = Wednesday night toads—for those who are still hungry after the frogs

Two girls drank beer around a keg,

And sorry I could not hit on each,

I stared at one chick’s well-tanned leg,

and thought, “She’s yours, you’ve made it, Greg!”

And felt a hook-up in my reach.

--

The other one was just as hot,

And easier, for I could see

She was long past her seventh shot,

Though plentiful supply of pot

Had ebbed their judgments equally.

--

My mental state was in decline,

But as we finished off my rum,

Their blurry eyes stared into mine;

I knew I neared the finish line

And slid a hand over one’s bum.

--

When asked for details, I’ll reply

(As my poor head begins to pound):

“Two girls threw up on me, and I,

I panicked and began to cry,

And passed out wasted on the ground.”

“Not Drinking”

with Not DKE

Monday, 10:00 PM @ DKE House

Last year, the Office of Student Affairs decided that freshmen should not be allowed to participate in fraternity and sorority rush events until the second semester of the year. Because their fraternity house will thus not be able to be used for freshmen events, the fraternity DKE has graciously allowed Yale Students for Responsibility (or some other Boy Scout group) to host an event in their house that doesn’t involve any drinking. It probably involves some sort of boring workshop on how to drink responsibly and have responsible sexual interactions. There will also be lame drinks like tea and fruit punch. Anyway, all of the freshmen should come, and it if any of them have an ake-fay it’d be nice for them to bring a andle-hay of ubra-Day.

“Movies and Munchies!”

with the Film Studies Department

Wednesday, 9:00 PM @ Every Residential College Movie Theater

Think you might want to major in Film Studies, but worry that watching several movies a week might be a little too much work? Come give it a try now by watching movies with faculty from the Film Studies Department while partaking in some delicious New Haven food! Drop by Silliflicks for “The Thali Too Towers.” The Ezra Stiles Crescent Underground Theater will be hosting “It’s a Wenzelful Life.” Or stop by Calhoun for “Schindler’s List…of All the Different Kinds of Claire’s Cake!”

“Death by Chocopologie”

with the Office of Undergraduate Admissions

Monday, 4:00 PM @ Undergraduate Admissions Office

Last year, the Office of Undergraduate Admissions accidentally admitted too many students, resulting in a potentially uncomfortable housing situation for this year’s freshmen. To make up for this inconvenience, Undergrad Admissions is hosting a delicious study break catered by Chocopologie! These gourmet chocolates will be delicious, and will definitely not have been poisoned in an effort to correct the Office of Undergraduate Admissions’ mistake.

“We Have Culture, Too!”

with the Caucasian Cultural House

Tuesday, 11:00 AM @ TBD

White students of Yale, do you ever feel as though your racial background is devoid of cultural significance? Good cultural significance, I mean – not all that tragic stuff about oppression and discrimination and – worst of all – putting Nicholas Cage in more movies. Well, we’re here to tell you that you, a white person, do have a claim to culture – even if you’re not gay or Jewish! Come to pleasant brunch with the Caucasian Cultural House, after which we will partake in a thrilling game of croquet. A variety of “white” foods will be served, from corn dogs to tuna salad to a fruit and cheese tray (we also ask that everyone bring a homemade casserole). Note: If no space can be found to host the brunch, “We Have Culture, Too!” will take place in one of Yale’s other four cultural houses.

Your classmates always glare at you as soon as you raise your hand

You did the readings for the entire semester during shopping period

You start every class comment with, “Piggybacking off of what Sarah said…”

Sarah refuses to sit next to you anymore

Your annotations could make up their own assigned reading

Everyone seems to disagree with your comments all the time, even though you’re always right

During shopping period, people see you in their section and leave immediately

People keep accidentally passing you notes that read, “Shut up, section asshole.”

Sarah punches you in your smart-ass mouth

You were told you had a single

They say, “We might not get along”

Their favorite word is “irregardless”

They keep asking if your mom is single

They play avant-garde tuba

They think they’re a minotaur

Their Twitter handle is “Imracistandhavealoudalarmclock”

They put socks on the doorknob when no one’s there

They only communicate via Snapchat

They casually mention their cannibalism

They set up mouse traps in your bed

They keep eating all your computer paper

They’ve been banned from the great state of Arkansas

They mention their cannibalism in a really forced, pretentious way

They are actually a minotaur

Well, gosh, this isn’t so bad. What’s everyone talking about, anyway? Sure, those people outside are a little…different. So many glittery white girls in high heels and guys with unusual tattoos—it looks just like that nightmare I had about prom. And waiting in line wasn’t exactly a dream—it smelled like cigarettes and I don’t even know what. But, hey, I’m actually here. I made it. I’m here at Toad’s!

Yesterday, six of my closest friends and I decided tonight was going to be the night. Saturday Night Toad’s. We all got super “smashed” in Bingham; well, I actually only had a few sips of Keystone, but maybe I’m “buzzed,” you know? I’m theoretically approaching “hammered” or “shwasted” or something.

We’re all dressed up—I’m wearing a polo shirt (tucked in of course) and my most sensible shoes. We stroll into Toad’s like nobody’s business. I’m secretly petrified, but I’m a good actor— the picture of cool. Wow, that stage is pretty big, isn’t it? I hear some rap music on—it sounds like P. Diddly or someone. How exciting!

Hmm, I expected to see a bit more frog paraphernalia, but I guess that’s just one of life’s little mysteries. Gee, so many grimy people! So what exactly do we do here…?

Look at that, some of those glittery women in heels. You’re from where? Oh, well, that’s…Quinnipiac sure is a fun word to say! My, that’s a short skirt, but, yes, it does look good on you. What a lovely lower back tattoo—and, wow, it goes lower. Oh, I’m so sorry, let me introduce myself. Hmmm, not one for shaking hands, I see, alright.

Oh, hello…so we’re going to dance? I don’t know you too well, but…oh, well yes, if you insist. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen that particular shade of eyeshadow, but it looks…oh my! Well, yes, now we really are dancing aren’t we? That’s a nice rhythm. Mmhm…you’re good with those hips, yes indeed.

I’ll admit that my only experience dancing was awhile back. Not to brag, but I was the king of slow-dancing back in middle school. Oh, you don’t know it? It’s easy, I just put my hands on your hips—well, maybe a little above your hips—and you drape yours around my…no, no, not down there. Errr, alright, but I…yes, that feels…interesting. Hmm I’ve never danced like this before. Gee!

Oh dear, I’m afraid I have to go to the bathroom. Is there a…oh, it’s outside? But all I see is a bus…