#freespira

So the latest is that through cluster-fucking by doc and pharmacy to not get me my gabapentin refill (I take 3 different doses), my level got messed up so I decided fuck it, I’m going to just go off it. But I think I went down too fast...maybe? at the same time I ran out of a BP med, stopped taking a couple other meds, and stopped the pot experiment. Some combo of those and probably menopause too led to a disaster of edgy/hyper/nervous/sobbing days last week, along with hot and cold flashes cycling sometimes as fast as every 2 minutes, constant nausea, and some other symptoms.

This was to the point where 2 Zofram (anti-nausea pills) and an ativan had almost no effect. That should have knocked me the fuck out.

I went back up a little bit on the gabapentin last night but still had a very edgy day. Unfortunately, 1 ativan did this time knock me the fuck out for 4 hours, so my little dream of using all this energy to do something fun for once was quashed.

I feel weird and unstable but at the same time, having some energy compared to being in a daze for months is...nicer? It’s just that now it’s too far the other way.

Bipolar shit? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS? NO ONE KNOWS. If there is a God, maybe she knows. But humans simply cannot know what is going on with my many conditions and many meds. No one knows the interactions or can even guess at them. (though my psychiatrist insists that knowing what any 2 meds do to interact is sufficient. no. it’s not.)

Meanwhile I’m supposed to be doing this stupid Freespira breathing shit which pisses me off but is supposed to completely eliminate panic attacks from my life if I do these exercises twice a day for 17 minutes each for a month. And my incredible partner paid $1200 for it (because of course insurance won’t pay) so I have to try it. Don’t think it will change my agoraphobia tho. I’m actually hoping that the agoraphobia is just magically gone now, but I didn’t get a chance to try that out today. cuz of the ativan.