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I'm cheating on this week's #freescenes. Think of this as more of a challenge.
Take this amazing monologue (one that I didn't write), and make your own thing from it. Your version. Same words if you want. Same concept if you want. Or just go freaking insane.
I actually have some regular #freescenes stuff to share, but this is way too good of an opportunity.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Finally #freescenes.
I've been meaning to post this for a long time.
I'm getting it up now so it's technically here on a Friday (on the West Coast at least). #freescenes is hopefully going to be a Friday thing now.
I'll repost and comment later, but here's a nice long free scene for y'all.
***
Shaquille O'Neal and christian laEttner discuss...
scene one
MUSIC: “Jump Around” by House of Pain.
SHAQ sits at a card table, playing cards.
CHRISTIAN LAETTNER enters, dancing (he's doing the East Coast Stomp, to be specific).
Christian laettner
It's the best hip-hop song of the year, man.
Shaq
Good song.
Christian laettner
Best hip-hop song of the year, bro, I'm telling you, man, this changes everything, man.
Shaq
Sit down and play cards, Christian Laettner.
Christian laettner
And it's not a white thing, man. I went to Duke, not Notre Dame. No Fighting Irish thing, man. Just hip-hop, bro. We listened to this song after we won the tournament, man, and we jumped around, man, when it got to the jump around part, we jumped around, you can imagine, man, we celebrated and we jumped up jumped up and get down jump jump jump jump--
shaq
Christian Laettner. Sit down. Play cards.
Christian laettner
Wow, okay, sorry.
Christian Laettner.
You always call me Christian Laettner.
You're so formal, Shaquille O'Neal.
Shaq
My name is Shaq.
Christian laettner
Whatever you say, Shaquille O--
shaq
Shaq.
Christian laettner
Okay. Shaq. You're the number one draft pick, right. Whatever you say, Shaq.
Shaq
Come play cards.
Christian laettner
Why bother? You're going to win.
You're better than me at cards.
Shaq
Better than you at most things.
Christian laettner
Well, I don't know, let's not get crazy--
shaq
Better than you at basketball.
Silence.
Christian laettner
Tell me one better hip-hop song this year.
Shaq
Play cards.
Christian laettner
And don't say Jump, because that's just a rip-off of Jump Around--
shaq
Didn't say Jump.
Christian laettner
I mean, listen to it.
Christian Laettner plays “Jump” by Kris Kross.
No, really, listen to it, I know you're going to argue with me about it, but listen, it's a rip-off. We wouldn't have listened to this after winning the tournament.
Shaq
I know you won the tournament.
Shut up. Sit down.
Play cards.
Christian laettner
Oooh. What's the matter? Sensitive, Big Man?
Shaq
Name is Shaq.
Christian laettner
My name is “I Won The NCAA Tournament and Hit The Turn-Around Jumper Shot of The Century and Probably Should Have Been Tournament MVP But My Boy Bobby Hurley Won It and He's From Duke Anyway and We Won The Tournament Anyway.” That's my name.
Show me your cards.
Shaq shows his cards.
Damn.
Christian Laettner pushes the pot towards Shaq.
Can't believe you like this song.
Shaq
Didn't say I like it.
Shaq pushes the cards to Christian Laettner.
Deal.
Christian laettner
Why? You're just going to beat me again.
Shaq
Yes I am. Deal.
Christian laettner
You get your call about the Dream Team yet?
No response.
I'm gonna play my song again.
Shaq
They called you about the Dream Team?
Christian Laettner plays “Jump Around.” His dancing serves as the answer to Shaq's question.
They offered you a spot?
Christian Laettner dances.
Christian Laettner. They offered you a spot on the Dream Team? The last spot. The last spot on the Dream Team.
The Olympic Dream Team.
That Dream Team.
They offered it to you?
They offered the last spot on the Olympic Dream Team to you?
Christian Laettner? The Dream Team? You?
Shaq stops the music.
Christian laettner
Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Karl Malone, Charles Barkley, John Stockton, David Robinson, Patrick Ewing, Chris Mullin, Scottie Pippen, Clyde Drexler...and me.
Christian.
Laettner.
Silence.
Oh come on, big guy.
You get in where you fit in.
Bird's hurt.
And they already have plenty of big men.
But don't worry. They won't play forever.
You'll make the team in four years. Maybe eight.
Christian Laettner deals.
Shaq
I don't want to play this game anymore.
Shaq gets up and goes to the stereo.
Christian laettner
Come on, O'Neal! You're going to beat me, I'm sure.
Shaq
Name is Shaq.
Shaq plays “The Choice is Yours” by Black Sheep.
Best hip-hop song of the year.
Christian laettner
Oooh. Good song. But still--
shaq
Best hip-hop song of the year. House of Pain ripped them off.
Christian laettner
Whatever. That's crazy. I'm dealing.
Shaq
Best hip-hop song of the year, Christian Laettner.
Listen to the part that the white boys stole.
Shaq fast forwards the CD.
Christian laettner
Oh man, what, man? Why's it gotta be about white guys?
Shaq
Be quiet, Christian Laettner. Listen.
Shaq plays the “engine, engine, number nine/on the New York transit line/if my train goes off the track/pick it up, pick it up, pick it up/BACK” part of “The Choice is Yours.”
How does the dance to that go, Christian Laettner?
Christian laettner
Why is it about white guys though?
Shaq
You know how the dance goes, Christian Laettner.
Show me how it goes.
I'll do it with you.
Shaq plays the “engine, engine, number nine” part again.
They do the appropriate dance.
It ends with them jumping around.
Christian laettner
Whatever, man. That's not the point.
Those little boys in Kris Kross totally ripped off House of Pain.
Shaq
House of Pain ripped off Black Sheep.
Christian laettner
That's one part in one video! And I'm not even sure the video came out before the House of Pain song. Maybe Black Sheep ripped off House of Pain too. Yeah, man, that's it. Totally ripped them off. Bit their style.
Shaq
Bit?
Christian laettner
Their style, yeah. Their steelo.
Shaq
You're so white, Christian Laettner.
Christian laettner
Again, man? Really? You're making it a white thing again.
Shaq
Why do you like House of Pain so much?
Christian laettner
I can't like white rappers?
Shaq
Answer.
Christian laettner
They made a great song!
Shaq
So did Black Sheep.
Christian laettner
But the House of Pain guys are tough. I mean, listen to them.
He plays “Jump Around.”
I mean, that horn, that squeal, and then you can just East Coast Stomp to the whole thing, and just UNNH -- JUMP JUMP -- so fucking tough.
Shaq
We got some tough rappers too.
Christian laettner
We what? Black people?
Shaq
Redman's pretty tough. Brand Nubian – very tough, Christian Laettner.
Christian laettner
It's not a white thing!
Shaq
Oh, you know who's tough? Ice Cube. Ice Cube's kind of crazy tough. You like Ice Cube, Christian Laettner?
Silence.
Christian laettner
I'm not getting into a debate with you about the riots.
Shaq
A debate.
Christian laettner
An argument, whatever. I just like the song.
Shaq
You think I want to get into a debate about the riots.
Christian laettner
Let's play cards, man.
Shaq
The Los Angeles Riots. You think I want to get into a debate about those.
A debate.
Is there something to debate about the riots, Christian Laettner?
Christian laettner
I saw Do The Right Thing, man. I know people debated about that riot.
Shaq
That was a movie they were debating, not a riot.
Christian laettner
So was White Men Can't Jump.
Shaq
True. But White Men Can't Jump was true though.
Christian laettner
And so was the riot in Do The Right Thing.
Shaq
Maybe. It was prescient, Christian Laettner.
It predicted the future.
Maybe people should have been ready.
Silence.
They really offered you a spot on the Dream Team?
Christian laettner
It's not like I'm ever going to play.
Silence.
Christian Laettner deals the cards.
They play.
I'd trade my NCAA title to have been number one pick in the draft like you, you know.
Shaq
No, you wouldn't.
Christian laettner
Yeah. I totally would, man.
They play.
Shaq
I'd trade being number one in the draft to play on the Dream Team.
Silence.
Christian laettner
Yeah. That's going to be pretty cool.
They play.
Shaq
I win again.
Christian laettner
Damn.
Christian Laettner pushes his chips over to Shaq.
They continue to play.
END OF PLAY.
College productions of CHAD DEITY blow my mind.
Also: #freescenes returns Friday.
This week I am joined via Skype by Kristoffer Diaz, playwright, as we discuss his free scenes project on his Tumblr...The Heavy Lifting.
New podcast with my buddy from IDS.
And there's a secret message about the next place to see some new work from me hiding at the end.
Shoes! Casey and Jeff! And #freescenes newcomer Carley Cornelius! Yes!
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
One more new #freescenes video from Steve T. Our first take on the #shoes monologue! Legos make everything better.
New #freescenes videos! First up is a new Julia and Eric from my buddy Steve T. Legos!
More from Steve shortly.
(If you're new to #freescenes, start here.)
Brand new yet intriguingly old-timey #freescenes video from Kristen Broadwell and Sharon Anderlik! Swell! Neato!
