#freelancesam

     SAM is one of the few people Max will ever be serious around. In fact, he really is about the only one. It’s not that he doesn’t trust anyone else, or doesn’t think they deserve to have serious Max. It’s just... well that’s how much he loves Sam. He loves him so much it can ground him, and when they’re really alone, Max is willing to be a bit more put together.

     Sam gets Max at his absolute bests, and his absolute worsts. Max would do anything for his partner, and I do mean ANYTHING. Sometimes though, he lets that weigh him down a bit too much.

                              ❛   QUICK   WHILE   SAM   ISN'T   LOOKING   SOMEONE   GRAB   THE   FORMALDYHYDE.   ❜

—  ❛❛  // “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate éclair." from sam, but, like, with a smile :)

           — @freelancesam​

                           ❛   If   that's   true,   do   you   think   I   could   eat   it?   I   always   found   morals   to   get   in   the   way   of   the   betterment   of   society.   Specifically   a   society   ruled   by   giant   toad   people   who   want   nothing   but   the   destruction   of   all   life   on   this   pitiful   planet...   besides   chocolate   eclairs   are   pretty   good.   ❜

                           ❛   SAM,   you   doin’   okay?   You’ve   been   staring   at   me   like   I   have   something   on   my   face.   Is   it   blood?   Or   that   jam   from   the   hamburger   and   jam   sandwich   I   made   a   bit   ago?   I   know   you   said   it   was   unnatural,   but   the   jelly   really   brings   out   the   flavor   of   the   pickles.   ❜

                           ❛   Oԋ   Sαɱ!   Dιԃ   ყσυ   FORGET   αႦσυƚ   ყσυɾ   σʅԃ   ϝɾιҽɳԃ   CHARLIE?   ❜

—  ❛❛  // Love how those tags are phrased like Sam is one of the main villains. Fuck Sam and Max I only know Sam vs Max / REPLIED FROM HERE

           — @freelancesam​

     HE’S A VILLAIN CAUSE YOU NEVER LET HIM ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE SAM

—  ❛❛  // “What does a person have to do to get a fucking cob salad around here?” from sam <3

           — @freelancesam​

                              ❛   YEAH!!   ❜         The   lagomorph   shouted   in   allegiance,   jumping   up   on   their   table   at   the   diner.   They   had   their   own   spot,   but   only   because   it   was   usually   empty.   Who   would   WILLINGLY   come   to   Stinky's   regularly?   Girl   Stinky   wouldn't   hold   back   their   taste   buds   death   sentence   today!

                              ❛   WE   ARE   HERE   TO   HAVE   OUR   INTESTINES   TURNED   INSIDE   OUT   AND   REGRET   THE   NERD   TO   EAT   FOR   AT   LEAST   A   WEEK   AND   IF   I   DON'T   GET   IT   I   WILL   RIOT.   RIOT   YOU   HERE   ME?!   ❜

—  ❛❛  // @freelancesam​

“Cancer? Well, it is my rising sign, but I’m perfectly healthy, little buddy!”

Sam chuckled lightly, amused as ever by Max’s ability to jump from conclusion to conclusion like a kangaroo on a pogo stick.

“Keto just means low carb. It’s one of those diets people make up so they can make money off boneheads who hate their bodies or want to act better than everyone else. And I’m not even on a diet, these are just those fancy chips that Bosco recommended. I should’ve known better than to take his word. They’re twice the price of normal snacks and only half as good.”

That wasn’t gonna stop him from eating them, though. A chip is a chip.

“But if I did have cancer, I’d make sure you got all my stuff if it killed me. Including the hospital bills.”

                           ❛   Awww,   Sam,   you   shouldn’t   have!   You   know   how   much   I   love   hospital   bills.   ❜         Climbing   up   on   the   desk   of   the   taller,   he   held   his   hands   together   and   tilted   his   head   to   the   side.   Imagination   full   of   the   numerous   hospital   bills   they   had   received   from   individuals   that   Max   had   inadvertently   harmed   within   their   pursuit   of   justice.   Some   of   course,   deserving   the   harsh   violence   directed   at   them,   some   just   bystanders   who   happened   to   answer   Max’s   ‘Question   of   the   Day’   wrong.         ❛   They   make   such   great   confetti   for   when   I   break   someone’s   skull   in   with   my   ukulele!   ❜

                                    Excitedly   jumping,   landing   on   his   semi-fluffy   tail   as   his   legs   kicked   back   and   forth,   he   grinned   at   Sam   with   an   overabundance   of   energy.   He   had   a   plan   today.   Whether   that   should   be   terrifying   or   not   is   yet   to   be   seen.   Sometimes   in   that   head   of   his   was   a   brilliance   that   only   shone   when   the   cosmic   stars   were   aligned   and   he   had   enough   salty   snacks   to   kill   even   the   largest   of   snails.         ❛   Hey!   Hey   hey   hey!   Sam!   I   wanna   go   on   a   road   trip   today.   I   even   planned   it   out   on   the   map   and   everything!   ❜         Slapped   on   the   desk   in   between   his   legs   was   one   of   the   maps   (specifically   one   of   the   more   important   ones   for   traveling   outside   of   New   York)   with   a   bright   red   crayon   line   drawn   on   one   of   the   roads...   with   a   few   loops   and   blood   splatters   drawn   in   for   good   measure.