#fpwl

Eventually, I decided to move to a unit for long-termers and lifers. I needed space and time to be away from Brooke. We still saw each other as much as possible, but I was continuously moving away from the relationship. I had started hanging out with Shayla who was white, tall, thin, not really my type, but it was to take attention away from my relationship.

Brooke noticed the change in my attention and asked me what was going on. I told her about me getting to know Shayla. Well, Brooke told me that she had been spending time with this woman, Tamara. It seemed to me we were in the same head space-that we were no longer interested in being together. But our breakup didn't last for more than a week. I told Shayla that I wanted to work things out with Brooke. To do that, Brooke felt that we should live on the same unit again but in separate rooms. I liked where I was, but I missed being around her and wanted to try to fix things.

I moved to the unit that Brooke lived on. As soon as I was moving my things upstairs, Brooke told me that she didn't want me in the room I'd be going to. The room had three boy girls in it plus me. I didn't care though because I could live with practically anyone and I had moved to work things out with her. I didn't for see any issues. I was still very much in love with her.

We began trying to fix the issues in our relationship. Our problems weren't cheating, lying, or loyalty-which are complete deal breakers. But Prison creates a different set of issues that can be just as bad. We put a lot of things on the table, such as plans for when she went home on how we could continue our relationship, we talked about marriage, my demanding ways, our sex life, and all the other problems we had. Sex was infrequent because we lived in different hallways, but it was happening-sneaking around made things exciting. I just still wasn't having the attraction, passion, and spark that I needed.

I began expressing my feelings to one of my cellies, Keyana AKA NaNa. I had seen her at my last Prison, but we never spoke. Nana was sexy, charismatic, and young. She was in a relationship with Sam, but they were having problems as well. Nana was one of the main reasons Brooke didn't want me living in that room because of her reputation for sleeping with everyone. Sam and I weren't friends, but she had said how great sex was with Nana in front of me. That piqued my curiosity because my sex life wasn't as fulfilling.

Brooke told me when we met that she was here for aggravated assault. That an old friend from high school had reached out to her on Facebook and invited her to a party, she went and there were drugs. The police were called, the women blamed it on her, and she went to jail. After being released Brooke and a few guys went to the women's house and beat her up badly. Subsequently, she was sentenced to 5 years in Prison. I never questioned her story, until recently. There were rumors that she was a cho mo (child molester), but rumors like that are common. People twist why you're here and run with it. I asked her if it was true and she told me no-end of story. She prided herself on being honest, she never lied to me in the past, and I felt like I knew her well enough to know the rumors were untrue.

We had broken up because of my cheating, but after my Uncle passed we began talking again. Sometimes when bad things happen it makes you realize who's important in your life. Brooke knew more than anyone here how much I loved my Uncle and what his passing meant for me. So, she broke up with her girlfriend and we started to mend our relationship. I felt things were going better than they had in a long time, but seeing each other was hard because of the quarantine.

After I went to the hole, Brooke came the next day. She refused to lock in and was given 15 days. It was actually great because we were able to see and talk to each other more than we had in months. She caught me up on all the things that happened while we were broken up, like the fact that she had sex with one of our mutual friends, Tymber. I was angry about her having sex with Tymber because she was around us since getting back together, smiling in my face. But I was even willing to move past that. Brooke refused to leave the hole and did another 15 days.

With only a few days left, I asked her if there was anything else she needed to tell me. She said no and I felt good about things moving forward.

Until, I got in an argument with Jamie about the TV. She told me I needed to stop acting like my girlfriend isn't a child molester. I didn't pay Jamie any mind because of the rumors in the past that Brooke denied, but she kept going on about.

The next day I asked Brooke why Jamie said that to me. I had heard that rumor too many times and started to feel uncomfortable with it. Brooke said she didn't know why Jamie said that. I asked if she was sure, and that's when she told me the "truth". I say " truth" because even that ended up being a lie. She confessed that a 15 year old boy asked her to purchase liquor, she said no. That boy then told a girl that he was having sex with Brooke- the girl told her mom, her mom told the school, the school told the police, and Brooke was charged.

I was shocked and I tried to make sense of it. I went through stages-I was confused, understanding, uncomfortable, upset, and finally angry. After processing and questioning I realized how demented Brooke is. Her liquor store lie was fell apart, so I had her Googled. The truth was that she went to a mutual friends house, had sex with the 15 year old and was charged with statutory rape. I realized how many lies she told me over the years to hide the truth from me. How she guilted me for things she was guilty of. How she manipulated me to keep me. How the plans we made for the future were all lies. How she portrayed herself to be someone she wasn't. I knew she would never tell me what really happened. I haven't spoken to her since.

On behalf of FPWL,

I was transferred to a minimum security Prison. My new room was on an open unit. This meant there were no doors, four people to a room, and a communal bathroom. It reminded me of a college dorm. One of my cellies was Brooke. Brooke was 10 years older than me, white, reserved, and not really my type physically. Her demeanor was what attracted me to her.

I was flirty with her and could see that the attraction was mutual. It wasn't long before the flirting turned physical. One late night we ended up having sex. We weren't in a relationship and I don't think we had even kissed yet. She hadn't been with anyone since being incarcerated and I thought we could be friends with benefits. I was actually getting to know a woman named Leah at that time.

The flirting and sex continued between Brooke and I. She wanted me to stop hanging out with Leah, so I choose Brooke. Living together, sex, and having common interests turned into a relationship. I had only been at this Prison for a little over a month. I wasn't looking to be in a relationship, but there I was. She was nice, genuine, and there for me when I needed someone.

We stayed together for almost 2 years. After about 8 months we moved from an open unit to a closed unit. A closed unit is a "traditional" jail cell-a door, bunk bed, with a toilet and sink. I was happy to be in a cell with her because it was almost like our own tiny apartment. We were able to have sex without dealing with cellies, we could decorate how we wanted, and do what we pleased. I started to really fall in love with her.

I got a lot of negative comments from people about how we looked together. Brooke had lost a significant amount of weight which caused some extra skin. I think people wanted me to be with someone my age, Black, and a boy girl-Brooke was the exact opposite. Though I wasn't physically attracted to her, I was deeply in love with who she was as a person. This created some disconnect. Some times I wouldn't want to have sex and she viewed this as a rejection. I didn't want to make her feel badly, but I also didn't want to force myself to do something I didn't want to do.

I started having issues of my own as well. After receiving denials for my first few appeals, I was devastated. Looking back I can see that I took a lot of my frustration out on her and our relationship. I was moody, mean, and didn't want to be in my room as much. I felt trapped and tried to fill my days with things to keep myself busy. Brooke took this as a rejection also, which only made things even worse.

Adrienne didn't want to fight and came to me pretty humbly. She told me that Kaos had been leading her on and that she had been through similar situations with other women. We became cordial and almost friendly Kaos and I started to have disagreements. I can't even remember what they were about. Long story short-we ended things and Kaos and Adrienne to re-kindle things.

A few months after being on this new unit, I was told to pack up. I'd be moving yet again. This time I was going back to the unit where Kaos was. I moved my things back and Kaos was at her door watching. She started yelling about her "wife" being here. We hadn't even been speaking and I wasn't her "wife". She got out of her room to help me move in. She was so excited but it was amusing to me because I didn't understand where this was coming from. We got into my room and she hugged and kissed me. Now Kaos and me were back on. The closest gets the mostest.

The two times we had sex were pretty much the same. She lived on the bottom tier right by the entrance door. When its time for meals everyone is by the door trying to get out. I used this as an opportunity to go into her room. We had good sexual chemistry and with a lack of time, things got heated quickly. We made a pallet on the floor. I rather boldly took my pants off and laid down. She put her head in between my thighs and we had sex.

The sex wasn't great but it was a much needed release of tension. We were getting along and Kaos had stopped speaking to Adrienne. Adrienne was so hurt that sadly she attempted to take her life. I was shocked and horrified. Kaos felt Adrienne was just attention seeking. Regardless, I felt guilty and didn't want anything to do with causing anyone such great pain. It concerned me that Kaos was so nonchalant about the whole thing.

Adrienne was gone 3 days for observation. By the time she got back I was rather checked out of the relationship. Adrienne, Kaos, and I were all at yard. Adrienne looked disheveled and visibly upset. Kaos and I went to speak to her. You could tell how broken she was. I can't remember what we talked about, but after that conversation I was done with the situation and the relationship.

Yesterday, my girlfriend broke up with me. I can't say that I'm surprised. It's not that I did anything wrong, but when someone is looking for a reason anything can become grounds for a break up. I am disappointed, but when sex is all you have as a foundation you can't expect much.

I wanted to be able to speak candidly about my relationships I've had while in Prison. I want to begin at the very beginning and work my way to the bitter end. But first let me speak about myself and my hopeless romantics. I've always been in a relationship. I guess I'm what some people would call a serial dater. I entered into my first relationship at 10 years old with a girl named Christina. From then on I've been in countless relationships, mostly with men. I've identified myself for the majority of my life by my relationships. I've yet to break that cycle.

Coming to Prison that cycle didn't change, which brings me to my first relationship here with a woman named Amber Cobbs AKA Kaos (Chaos). She was brown skin, nice build, had dreadlocks, a pretty face, and dressed like a boy. In Prison she's what is known as a "boy girl". She had charm, charisma, and lived up to her nickname.

She latched onto me like a life jacket and I enjoyed every moment. She was attentive, sweet, and wanted me. I was extremely flattered. Until, her "wife" came into the picture. Her longtime girlfriend's name was Adrienne. Adrienne was attractive, crazy, and wanted Kaos back.

That wasn't a deterrent for me though. It was a challenge that I accepted-who could win and keep the attention of Kaos. It should have been easy because Kaos assured me that she was done with that relationship and ready to move on. We spent time together getting to know one another. I learned about her family, past, and who she was a person. During this time and through her interactions with others I learned that she was known for not being truthful and manipulative.

I ended up getting into an altercation with Adrienne on the walkway one day. Kaos once again assured me it was nothing to worry about. That Adrienne was just a scorned ex-girlfriend and Kaos had no intentions of going back to that. Probably a month later, the CO came over my intercom and told me to pack up because I'd be moving to a different unit. Things had been going pretty well for us, but I still worried about the distance. Even though I was only going to another unit, there's a saying in Prison that "the closest gets the mostest". Meaning if you move, your girlfriend will be having sex with someone else. And of course out of all the units on campus I was going to the one Adrienne lived on.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers as James Reese in 'From Paris with Love"