#fourth session

Before we get into what happened this session, I wanted to write down this checklist of sorts, regarding a few bouts of anxiety I had these last two weeks (and how I dealt with them)....My therapist did after all (give me homework last session) / and highly advised me to write down any situations that may have triggered or have caused my anxiety-levels to start rising/or skyrocketing. So here we go.

6/8/17 - Thursday

It was the day (more like early evening) before my cousin’s Jay’s Graduation, and that was when I noticed that I had misspelled my cousin’s name on both her graduation-card, and on the envelope of said graduation-card....I felt my heart freeze and an immediate sense of anxiety (and me fretting over whether or not I should fix it with white-out or not) ...I definitely felt my heart race in fear (beating loudly, to the point I could feel my heart beating/pulsing in my eardrums)....The reason for my fear: was because i felt that my Aunt C was going to take great offense, in the fact that I had misspelled my cousin’s name (My Aunt C is quite a prideful woman, and very easily angered/offended.....and the fact she traumatized/ emotionally abused me when  I was 5, def. left/instilled that sense of fear in a way.....even now).....It wasn’t until a little bit afterwards that I started to realize how my anxiety was quite an irrational reaction on my part, and how silly it was to be freaking out over this, ‘twas in realizing this that i calmed down and chose to let it go (aka I passed along my gift to my dad, who works with my uncle aka Jay’s Dad, so that Jay would receive said gift on the day of her graduation); I was rest assured when my dad told me that the gift had successfully made it’s way to Jay, and I sighed in relief. 

6/9/17 - Friday

My little cousins ended up spontaneously coming over for a visit / aka My Aunt Juanita (one of my kinder as well as fave aunts) needed me and my mom to babysit them for a bit. .....See, here’s the thing (call me high-maintenance or whatever) - But I don’t do well in regards towards spontaneous things, such as: Unexpected visits, unexpected plans to hangout (like the last second, in this very moment types), unexpectedly meeting a friend or acquaintance our of the blue (like when shopping for groceries or something).....stuff like that really tends to raise (sometimes even sky-rocket) my anxiety levels.....mostly cause I wasn’t prepared for it. But yeah, so minutes before they (my little cousins: Bryan and Izela) were to arrive, I sorta became a wee bit frantic (because I needed to make sure my room wasn’t a total mess and prepare my gamecube console and games, to keep them entertained, [and keep in mind, as a nerd i have most of my videogames and anime/nerdy stuff in my room] so yeah, I started to feel hella rushed and a bit stressed, cause it was soo last minute; which didn’t help my anxiety levels: Cause they just skyrocketed (to the point where my hearing-senses/audio-hypersensitiveness started to kick in, such as me getting irritated my hearing the clinks of the dishes accidently clanging against each other ......but yeah, It wasn’t until they got here, that i noticed that their rowdiness sorta low-key irked me (them trying to talk over each other by raising their voices and stuff) but I got over it quickly enough; their cuteness/adorkablness was more than enough to take my mind off my anxiety, and even made me smile. It was fun babysitting them; Izela was having a blast with harvest moon: a magical melody (though she sorta got the hang of it but was getting hilariously frustrated with the game itself and she kept giggling/laughing when she kept running outta time and losing track of where she was going, which I found to be absolutely hilarious, to the point where i started laughing my ass-off along with them), but then Bryan wanted to play something else, so I introduced them to Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, which was really fun watching and guiding/ helping them walktrough the game (especially once we finally got them into reaching the Deku Tree, aka the first dungeon). I may have felt a wee bit drained once they left (they dropped them off here at around 6PM and didn’t leave till like 10 PM), but I did calm down in the end, plus it was fun :)

6/14/17 - Wednesday

Left at 11:45 Am and went to go see Wonder Woman and Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell no Tales; Not gonna rewrite what happened here cause I already made a post about this here: http://lady-nevermore.tumblr.com/post/161840007484/saw-ww-and-potc5-today  ....But what I will write about is a few things i forgot to mention that had also happned: After seeing WW (it ended around 3 PM), I wanted to wait and watch POTC5 another day instead, so i walked home......the thing is I have a real bad sens of direction, and well long story short  i got lost (and let me tell you I felt disoriented and felt anxious as I was lost) so I decided that the best thing to do was to calm down and backtrack, and end up back at the mall.....and from there i decided: “Well fuck it, I might as well go see of RWBY4 is out yet on bluray....which it wasn’t, so I left Best Buy and headed back towards the Theaters (all of this btw is inside the mall: The Theaters, Bestbuy, etc)....That was when I decided to go and watch POTC5 around 3:35 PM (and the movie didn;t end till around 6PM), but by the time it ended, I decided to call my dad to pick me up, but yeah I enjoyed myself (both films were great) and it was a nice day. ^^;

6/18/17 - Sunday

Dreamt of an old friend (let’s call him Wolf); he was chasing me in my dream (I was running away and felt such a cold sense of fear and a lot of anxiety in the dream).....See, Back when I knew him, he was dealing with a lot of anger-issues.....We didn’t really end things on a good note when we parted ways either.....Last time i saw him was when we were playing ping-pong ball, and he was obviously hella pissed-off/angry at me (cause a few days before, I told him that I no longer felt safe/that I felt uncomfortable being around him....something that was a long time coming, years even).....He obviously didn’t take this well, cause the next/and last time I saw him we were playing ping-pong ball with a couple of friends of ours, and he was so succumbed by his anger that he kept hitting the ball with such force at me..... it was obvious that he was trying to hit me (I remember cause the look in his eyes was terrifying, it was filled with pure hatred towards me); a mutual friend of both of ours at the time: Cisco-kid, had to pull Wolf over aside (Wolf reacted towards this via throwing the ping-pong paddle to the side with such ferocity, outta anger) but nonetheless he was reluctantly pulled-over to the side and was told-off by Cisco-Kid, with him asking him what the hell was wrong with him, and telling him to knock it off.....This was about 4-8 years ago (sometime around then)...I wrote more about this here: http://lady-nevermore.tumblr.com/post/162055039454/dear-wolftbh-our-friendship-was-doomed-from (in my Letters to No One, therapy side-blogs)....but long story short, I ended up cutting all ties with him without so much as a word (this was simultaneously during the time that my mentor/friend passed away, and when I had my nervous breakdown, and fell into a deep depression).....This hasn’t been the only time I’ve dreamt of him (most dreams are of happier, fun, friendship-wise times)....this one was not. :/

6/18/17 - Sunday

Surprised my Dad with some French Toast for breakfast (with a side of some delicious: fresh and juicy strawberries, banana slices, and sausage links) ‘twas delicious, which I’m glad it turned out so well (I love to cook in a calm and serene environment, it always calms me down and takes my mind off things, plus it’s fun).....But anyways, I went to a chinese Resturant with my folks for Father’s Day on Sunday; haven’t been to that place in years (since like my young teen years)....Felt a small sense of anxiety/nervousness/restlessness before shortly getting there. But that quickly went away and we had a nice time once we got there. ^-^

The Fourth Session

Finally - Onto the Fourth Session.

6/19/2017

Today we talked about the checklist I’ve made here above, mostly about the situations that caused my anxiety and how  i dealt with/reacted to it; I’ve told her that once I’ve realized how irrational/silly my overreaction is to something (that is causing my anxiety), i can quickly calm down cause now i realize that it’s not me that’s reacting this way, but rather it’s the anxiety that’s taking control and choosing to react for me; That distinction, i feel will help a great deal in the long run.

We focused a lot on my old-friend Wolf, and talking about what i would say to him if he was here, and how to let him go, and how to let his shadow (of me feeling anxious of running into him) go. We talked about my mom and me worrying over her cause she has an appointment on the 22nd cause she’s had this chronic cough and me worrying it’s throat cancer, which led us to talking about my pessimism and me jumping to the worst possible conclusions, and how I need to try to stop myself from going there, and just try living in the present (in the here and now), rather than worrying on what could or might not happen. 

We talked about my progress thus far, and I told her I feel hopeful (something I haven’t felt in a very long time), especially due to my online-friends here on tumblr (especially those  i chat with - you know who you are), but most especially: @theamazingflyinglion, @angelotics, @th3-d0rk-kn1ght-d0t-exe .....you guys have no idea how much your support and company has helped me; it’s given me hope, and that’s something I haven’t felt in over 4-8 years. 

My Therapist has told me that there’s so much i can still accomplish, but that I need to remind myself that i am allowed to do it at my own pace (and that it’s really important to remember that I do not owe society, my former high-school teachers/mentors/classmates/friends, even my parents anything in regards towards meeting their standards/expectations.....The thing is this is such a difficult thing for me to do, and is something I’ve always struggled with, especially when it comes to meeting high standards in academia/my pride in academia, being a perfectionist, or having my life together (especially by age 25)......It also doesn’t help that i have an inferiority complex, I’m always afraid to feel inferior or look inferior (which is why why pride stings if my intelligence is questioned, or why  i get competitive in trivia games, or why i get high-strung/slight snobbish if  i feel slightly threatened by another’s intelligence.....which is such a horrible trait to have, and have mostly broken free of it (it was worse during my teenage years, believe me)....thank god I’ve matured, and grown hella, like hella more liberal and open-minded in my views in life, or else even i wouldn’t have been able to stand myself, Christ! o.o

But yeah, it just weighs soo damn heavily on me.....i feel like I’ve wasted my life away, like I should have accomplished soo much by now and it scares me shitless that i don’t.....that i’m soo damn uncertain.....and that I’ll fail again. it scares me cause, I’m afraid I’ll run into someone I knew from my high-school days (the people who knew me as the perfect teacher’s pet, the person who had their shit together, the person who was on top of it all) and that they’ll see what a pathetic person I’ve become.....My Therapist keeps telling me that it’s not too late to fulfill my accomplishment, to fight for my accomplishments......and to be honest, I’m sorta feeling like a little glimmer of hope, it’s small......but maybe just maybe, that tiny glimmer will grow into a passion/motivation into finally feeling capable of meeting/accomplishing my goals (but at my own pace). 

Speaking of goals, I told her that my goal/dream is to become a teacher (and english teacher); the main reason is I’ve always loved/enjoyed helping my formers classmates/friends/little cousins in opening their eyes in wonder via discovering or noticing something the didn’t note before, especially in regards to storytelling, which is why I wanna be an english teacher (helping students understand and view literature, especially the archetypes and overall concept of the hero’s journey, in a new light). The second, and most personal reason, as to why I want to become a teacher, is to honor my friend/old mentor’s memory (may he rest in peace), cause he too was a young teacher himself, and i remember him telling me how much joy he got outta teaching, how much energy and how alive it made him feel despite his battle with colon-cancer....which is why my I desire to be a teacher myself, so that I can follow in his footsteps, and carry-out what was taken away from him, and make him proud. :’)

She asked me how i felt about trying to go back to community college, or learning how to drive, whilst I;m currently going to therapy......I told her I dunno if i feel ready yet.....still dunno (it makes me nervous just thinking about it....not impossible, but just nervous). >_>; ....She said that’s fine, and that she’ll be here supporting me regardless, stating that her goal is to be here for me and help me get through this. But yeah, like I said - I don’t feel ready, but who knows, we shall see. Hmm, we’ve also talked about me dealing with depression (and she’s asked me if i noted that maybe it’s during when I’m menstruating...I mean yeah sometimes I PMS, and that’ll trigger it, but i told her it’s manifested itself outside of my menstrual cycle as well).... i told her that i view it as an analogy to the weather or a lingering cold......it comes and goes (and I’m like *sigh oh great it’s you again depression, how fucking long are you gonna stay with me this time around).....I’m aware it’s bouts are temporary, and i can deal with it.....but bouts of anxiety on the other hand is a lot more difficult, because I’m so sensitive to it,cause daunting more instinct-base aka it’s soo in my face, and it get’s in the way of how  i react to things, socializing, etc, and it’s def. more of a struggle for me. But anyways.

 Footnotes:

My Therapist highly advised me, dude, she even made me write it down, to:

Not allow other people’s expectations nor society’s to take control and affect me; that I don not owe other people (former friends, classmates, teachers) an explanation as to why i did not meet said standards.

And to remember that it’s the anxiety that’s making me feel and react this way, not me; that this anxiety does not have permission nor my consent to take control over how i chose or choose not react to things.

^This is her third piece of hw (in a way) to write these down on a sticky note or somewhere I can see them, and read/integrate them into my psyche once a day (especially when my thoughts linger towards not feeling accomplished or when i’m in an anxious state); She says that changing my thought-process like this will help in the long run.....and to be perfectly honest, it def. makes sense. 

Fourth Piece of hw, she gave me a couple of adult-coloring book pages (hell, she even handed me a box of colored-pencils) and she asked me to color these whenever I’m feeling down, anxious or whenever, that it’ll help me to relax.....I'm assuming this is some sort of art therapy? But either way it made me smile in slightly soft-amused way (I used to love art classes, drawing, coloring back in my elementary, and middle school days, it was my side-hobby so to speak as a kid)....plus not gonna lie, but it sounds hella therapeutic and my sorta fun....def. looking forward to it lol. (^-^)

 Side Notes: 

 I didn't wear my light hoodie/sweater today, ‘twas hella effing hot, and since it’s just my therapist and me there, I thought I’d forgo it (I usually feel very insecure with it, cuz i’m slightly chubby, especially around my tummy area, and covering myself with my jacket sorta makes me feel less insecure for some reason.....yeah yeah, I know I’m weird, plus I’m also a creature of habit, so once I started doing something routinely, I sorta feel reluctant to change. ^^:

I burned my finger while I was cooking, sucks but thank god I have aloe vera growing out in my garden (along with spearmint for spearmint tea, and fresh rosemary and oregano for when I’m cooking). It all makes me feel hella fortunate and happy, yay! ^-^

*looks at the clock - Damn, it’s already 9PM!* :O

But anyways, that’s all for now, TTFN! :)