#forever 18

The BAMF himself. (Frame from Vol. 16)

Finally finished the manga. Absolutely bangin' series, y'all. Heavy content.

The anime is a bit modernized (manga is based in the 80s, anime is more 2000s) but stays true to the plot pretty well.

The soundtrack is fantastic.

This brilliant boy... he was so full of love.

Back in may of 2024 he left me this poem. That year, for his birthday, I had it illustrated by a good friend. I think it's one of my favorite things ever... and most heartbreaking. I know this poem by heart, l still whisper it at night sometimes, like a prayer.... I have parts of the first verse tattooed up my arms and over my heart. I had told him he should write more because he's damn good at it, but now he's gone, and I feel empty. I will never not miss him.

If I know one truth, one absolute undeniable truth in this fucked up world... it's that I love you with all my heart Jakob, and will love you always and forever. I will find you again lovebug. 💙

I am so forever broken without you

Last year I started small and built up to big. This year let's start big. Last year you wanted a commission of us hugging and happy. I thought it could be better? So I made a new one, a happier one. I had gotten as far as the final sketch, and my heart couldn't take trying to finish it. So, I collaborated with the wonderful artist that illustrated your poem, and had her do the color work. It came out so beautifully perfect. It is everything we wanted, everything you should have had. So Merry Christmas baby boy. The larger print will go in the stairwell, and I have a small one framed on the bedside table so you are always near to me.

More important though, you were always my son, always my family, and you always will be. That's more official than any piece of paper. But you deserved this, so I'm giving it to you. And with it your birthstone, which is now the heart of your little whale. It's a tradition in this family that every child gets birthstone jewelry. For you, I wanted it to be extra special and when I found October has two birthstones, I knew in my heart exactly what to get. It's a small pendant with pink tourmaline and two small opals, one fiery red and one brilliant blue. They're wild and unshaped and perfectly represent your heart and soul and mind.

I made you a little ballerino. He even has stylish accessories, and so do you! Yeah, I made you matching leg warmers. I also made you a penguin, and a Buckbeak. I also found unofficial Merlin BBC merch. I got you merthur. I got you a bunch of books. Some on architecture, some on engineering, some on trains and whales and birds. The Randall Munroe books are from John.

I got this art book for you. It's a beastiary for an imaginary land and is filled with fantastical creatures like dragons and unicorns etc. I remembered you saying you wanted to hold on to the magical aspects of life.

Got you some bitchin (shush, I'm old) polish. One of them comes with a magnet wand you can do patterns. I had the art from last Christmas made into a puzzle. I got you a calendar of astrophotography. More accessories. I made you a scarf, and I got so many bracelets for you fe There are a couple more, I forgot to get photos.

One of them is a polished stone with a set of coordinates. Those lead to a bit of ocean off the coast of French Polynesia. And in that bit of ocean is an underwater nursery where coral is grown to be used to restore coral reefs. So you are helping save the ocean in a tiny but impactful way.

Finally, stocking gifts are always last, but certainly not least. Do you remember, some time after you were staying with Dee, a post about a trip to the moon? You had asked me if we could take a pegasus to the moon, and I said yes, but then you had to go to bed and we never got to go. Do you remember that I love you to the moon and back? Well actually literal. Some time in the spring of 2026, NASA's Artemis Il mission will be going to the moon, circling around, and then coming back. Inside the capsule with the astronauts is an SD car, and saved on that card, is our names. NASA even gave us official boarding passes (Siya said to use my surname so I did, you are my son after all). I was excited that we'd be able to watch the mission together, but I guess you have a pretty good view from where you are.

But, now I can say l love you to the moon and back and REALLY mean it. It's literally true. So Merry Christmas my jakedaw. I love you more than life, and I am so very proud of you. Turns out mom for life wasn't accurate, it's mom forever, because I didn't stop being your mom when you left and I never will. Beyond your life, beyond mine, I will always be your momma and I will always love you.

Sending you so many soul hugs and every speck and drop of love that I carry for you, so much my heart and my soul couldn't contain it. I love you my beautiful brilliant son, Jakob, always have and always forever will

It's a tradition in this family that every child gets birthstone jewelry. I have a tiny gold ring with three emeralds, so small it barely fits on my pinky. For Jakob, I wanted it to be extra special and when I found October has two birthstones, I knew in my heart exactly what to get. For him, a small pendant with pink tourmaline and two small opals, one fiery red and one brilliant blue. They're wild and unshaped and perfectly represent his heart and soul and mind.

Well now, it is the tiny heart and soul and love that will carry him with me. The tiny, perfect heart for a tiny, perfect baby humpback whale. His whale. I had made the pair, momma and baby... his in mykonos blue to honor his Greek heritage. And now it carries a heart of tourmaline and opals tucked into its chest.

I've spent a lot of time cuddling this little whale since he died. I will end up cuddling it forever.... probably have it buried with me when it's my time to go. Tomorrow, and from then on though, it will come with me on the first bucket list trip. See, my son and I had an ever growing bucket list of things to do, sights to see, and trips to take. It ranges from hikes to museums, berry picking and the beach and camping under the stars to binging Merlin. He made me promise.... that if anything happened to him, I would still finish the list. Either with his friends, family, by myself. It's like he knew.

So tomorrow this little whale carrying Jakob's heart, will come with me on our first adventure, and every adventure to come. I will carry him with me forever, until my heart is done.