#forcouchpotatoes

COUCH POTATO BY GRANT GORDON ILLUSTRATION CLAYTON HANMER AN ENVIRONMENTAL GUIDE FOR THE BEER-SWILLING COUCH-POTATO [Graph Not Transcribed] Pssst! Hey Lazybones, here's how to make environmentalism work for you! Where is your ideal spot to hang out? The couch? With a good book or the game on, and a few snacks nearby? You find the idea of environmental responsibility daunting, don't you? Does the thought of the effort it would take to change your lazy ways make you want to give your blue box a swift kick--if that wasn't too tiring? Well listen, you've got it wrong. Those environmentalists just look active and organized; going green actually works for you. You too can live righteously without ever having to leave the couch. Here's how. CAR VS. COUCH First things first, you're driving too much. You know you are. Darn kids want rides everywhere, spouse wants you to drive to the store for some eggs. Listen. Just put your foot down (but watch you don't crush the bag of chips on the floor) in the name of your right to relax and enjoy being an environmentalist. Short-haul car trips pollute your neighbourhood--which is mostly the air you breathe. And since smog-related deaths exceed nationwide fatalities from breast-cancer, prostate cancer or motor-vehicle accidents, we've got a strong case for you to stay right where you are. The kids can darn well travel by public transit, and that little trip to the grocery store can wait until you're going to the beer store. Running all your errands at once reduces your car's impact on the earth, and saves your precious downtime. When you do drive, check your tire pressure regularly. (No, of course you don't have to do it yourself! They can do it for you when you fill up.) Overinflated or underinflated tires cause premature tire wear and reduce your car's fuel economy. And they are much less safe to drive on. Wherever you're driving, stop stressing about getting there in a hurry. When you show up late, explain, in your most righteous tone, you're doing your bit for the planet by reducing your speed by 10 to 15 kilometres per hour, thereby reducing your fuel consumption by 15 per cent. You don't need to mention it, but that also saves you an average of $175 a year--that's half your cable bill right there. And never bother to wash that car of yours--at least not yourself. Let someone else do it! Commercial car washes use less than half the water, and they send that filthy run-off full of detergents, oils, rust, wax and other habitat destroyers through a filtering and treatment process. So tell that smug neighbour washing her wheels on the drive-way, that she's sending a toxic flow of run-off directly into the water system. Remind her that you, on the couch with your feet up, are an environmentalist; she is an overachiever who's polluting the water system. HOME IS WHERE THE COUCH IS So with those car issues taken care of, we turn to the home, where every good lazybones spends most of their time. Here, with the right equipment and a few sound strategies, we can guarantee you maximum downtime with minimal impact on the earth. First, get yourself a programmable thermostat. At the end of a long day of reading, the last thing you want to do is get up to turn down the thermostat for the night. So stay right under the covers and let this thermostat do the work for you. In the morning, it will automatically raise the temperature to your family's comfort level. You preset it once: it keeps your house comfortable all year long. Gadgets that do the work for you, now this is environmental living. The money you'll save on heating bills can go straight away to your brand new cable package. [Graph Not Transcribed] Are you settling into your new identity, Green Crusader of the Couch? Feels good to be so responsible and so lazy all at once, doesn't it? Now here's a real zinger for you...you can compost now. Oh yes, you can. Remember, out goal is to save you from exerting any undue energy. Take that extra little step in the kitchen by separating vegetable scraps from other garbage. Too much to bear? Aha, but weigh that small step against the many heavy steps you'd take hauling all that garbage to the curb. Darn cans are too heavy already. Take a load off! Pitch the stuff into a backyard composter--easily available and subsidized by your municipality--and watch how carefree, not to mention eco-friendly, your weekly trip to the curb becomes. As for your weekly trip to the bank, let's scrap that. If you're as good at being lazy as you claim, you're probably already on to this one, but online banking is the way to play. Save the paper that bank machines and tellers create, save the trees, but best of all, save your own time and energy. Why walk to the corner? Why line up on your tired feet? Let your computer do it. And when that computer is finished saving you time and effort, give it a break too. We know you deserve a long break for lunch. When you feel the urge to call it quits, yield to it. Respect your body's need to recharge. To make your time away from work even more justified, turn your computer off. In one year of turning your computer off overnight and on long breaks, you can save about a tonne of energy--think of all the greenhouse gases you are cutting by not working that extra couple of hours! Tell your boss to call us. THE OUTDOOR COUCH The other part of your life you need help with now is the great outdoors. You needn't be foolhardy and do any wilderness hiking nonsense. That's not your thing. When you head outdoors, settle into your lawn chair and enjoy your own outdoor environment. Any conservationist worth his or her weight in hemp knows that a pristine lawn is the sign of a poor environmentalist. Pesticides and other chemical lawn and garden-care products are dangerous to breathe, pollute groundwater and kill the predator insects that can keep your garden's balance naturally. Worse still, they take such time and perseverance to apply. Skip'em! You'll be looking at a healthier lawn and many extra hours on the chaise. When you do get up to cut the grass, leave the clippings there! Don't blow them or suck them up with some gasoperated stinker of a mower that's going to leave the smell of exhaust around your outdoor couch. Let the grass clippings settle right back into your lawn. They're natural compost, mostly made up of water, so they save you getting out the hose and wasting more water anyway. And hey, if you really want to take your garden relax time seriously, quit cutting your grass altogether! Tell the overachieving neighbour (preferably with righteous indignation) that you are creating a wildlife sanctuary for birds and plants. And then grow more easy-to-look-after shrubs and ground covers. WHEN WORK JUST CAN'T BE AVOIDED You are well on your way to being a full-fledged environmentalist, with a relaxed demeanour. Aren't you loving this life of leisure? Remember, you deserve it. Unfortunately, the cold hard reality for even the most conscientious lazybones is that bills must be paid, and work must be done to pay them. BUT environmentalism can help there too: Don't work so hard! Living a less expensive life at home means you don't have to bust your chops to pay for so much. [Graph Not Transcribed] - One of the very best things you can do for the earth--and your pocketbook--is to eat less meat. Domestic livestock are the largest human-dependent source of methane, a potent greenhouse gas. And land use for cattle is approximately one-seventh as efficient as land use for grain for human consumption. Your health's improvement is a bonus. - Get a fuel-efficient car, like the Toyota Prius hybrid. (If you're a sucker with an SUV, you're just breaking your neck at work to pay for 33 per cent more gas than people who drive regular cars. Do you really want to work that hard?) - Check the efficiency of your water heater and appliances to save energy. Newer models run on less power. - And turn down your water heater--120 degrees Fahrenheit is fine for dishwasher and laundry, but low enough to save you money. - Buy less stuff in general--it costs you less and produces less garbage! Less need for landfill, more land for wildlife. Less work for you to pay for everything, more time to relax! This may sound like a lot of changes in your life, and there's no question, there will be some initial outputting of energy. Maybe it's not for you? Ask yourself how seriously you are committed to being lazy, how much pride you take in your couch potato status. But in the meantime, congratulate yourself on one environmental commitment you're already making. Drinking beer is a serious environmental choice, and we are proud of you for making it. The brewery refilling and reusing practice in this province is nothing short of exemplary. Brewer's Retail is one of the world leaders in closed-loop packaging--about 95 per cent of all their bottles and packaging are returned and reused or recycled. So keep buying those brown pops, you planet-friendly lazybones. And enjoy the game.