#forcedengagement

It's only mid-day and I'm already so exhausted! I don't what's going on with my body but this week has been so physically, emotionally and mentally tiring. It's been dreadful, awful and I never want to relive it.

I had a bell-ringer test for my neuroanatomy lab yesterday that I'm still kicking myself for today. It was intense and I clearly cannot relate detailed photographic pictures of a sheep's brain to a live, shriveled, discoloured sheep brain. I literally came home, plopped on the bed and cried myself to sleep. What a nightmare. I definitely think I didn't pass the bell-ringer portion.

On the social aspect, my friends are..... how should I say... not really my friends? I think everyone has their own concept and definition of a friend. To me, a friend is someone who is loyal, truthful, respectful and someone who can be on the same page as you without you asking anything from them. Someone you're in sync with, it's sad because I'm still trying to find that one friend who will be that friend for me.

I have a supportive boyfriend, but that's completely different from having a close, same-sex friend. I have a realllyy cool older sister that I look up to, but there's always going to be a sibling barrier between us that just won't go away. It could be invisible, but its existence still stands (or maybe it's just me and my innate competitiveness and over-analyzing everything that goes on between my sister and me :/).

Why is it so hard to find that one person you can call your best friend?

Often times, I think to myself, maybe it's just me. I'm the problem. I put a guard up, I could be quick to judge in unfamiliar situations (which I'm still trying to work on), and I have high expectations for people in terms of my interactions with them.

The one thing I HATE is being taken advantage of and I find that most of the times, I am a target to be taken advantage of. For instance, I have this "childhood friend", I wouldn't call her a best friend but I guess she's a "friend". She is so PREDICTABLE. She's stubborn, over-bearing, selfish, inconsiderate, catty, unreasonable and illogical. That's what gets me the most, she's illogical and it makes her SOOO crazy. Crazy around her boyfriend and her general mentality! Kind of a Princess Bitch, I'd say. She recently got engaged and it's funny because she basically forced her boyfriend into it...byyy..... buying a house that she basically paid for (he's slowly making his contributions) but still, forced. They've been dating for about 3 years and he is just the most genuine, lighthearted person one could ever meet, a complete polar opposite of Ms.PPB (my sister calls her a dumb broad, which I find hilarious). She only reaches out to you when she wants something from you (that clearly benefits her) other than that, crickets are chirping in the conversation area. Her superficiality makes it hard for anyone to open up to her and her quick to judge personality makes you want to filter things you share with her. Even when I think I could open up to her, she doesn't listen. She's so self-centered and caught up in her own life and telling other people about her own problems that she just doesn't have a care in the world for other people unless it affects her. OH yeah, and if the conversation doesn't have "gossip" written all over it, she won't listen. Don't you hate these kinds of people? Be a little more receptive, attentive and respectful. But this is just my perspective.

I try to be a little more open minded but that feeling of being taken advantage of is always there and I immediately put my guard up and obviously start behaving in ways that pushes people away, like for instance, questioning how dumb Ms.PB is and questioning where her values and morals lie when it comes to her relationship with her now fiance. They're relationship doesn't have anything to do with me so I just try to keep out of it, but when she comes to you to vent, OH MAN, is there a huge instruction guide on how to respond to her materialistic, superficiality ways. I'll summarize it for you. You nod, give her answers she wants to hear and then say "oh my gosh that's horrible", and then you repeat until she finishes talking.

And THAT my friend, is how all conversations are with her. No substance.

Anyway, I thought I'd get this off my chest since I've kind of been dwelling on it since her birthday back in October, which I clearly pushed some buttons to get under her skin, because she's BITCH.

Thanks for listening and signing off!