short explanation: i wasn't and im still not doing so well emotionally, but ive reached the point where im making art in spite of the horrors...so the writing will slowly pick up (with,,,sporadic art perhaps? 👀)
thanks for sticking around, i'm happy that people will and still like my stuff. ill get around to responding to comments and being shameless in my reblogs eventually💕
long explanation under the cut (very rambly and incoherent, mentions of sensitive issues)
the past few months have been a bit of a whirlwind. i was very busy with irl things, and when i had a moment of peace to create i just Couldn't.
(it probably doesn't help that i was dealing with my brain being my worst enemy And pet grief)
so at that moment, i stopped trying to push through it. i did anything except writing. i blocked people stirring the discourse pot in my frequent tumblr tags, i played new video games, i got into reading books again (would anyone be up for lookin at my storygraph acc? i've come across some real gems in writing, but the issue is that i have read a Lot of female trauma and stuff relating to injustice oops), i spent time with friends and it helped lift me out of that cloud of sad negativity surrounding me.
and then 2026 came out swinging. i had plans to reflect on 2025 how it was a difficult year, but that would've been an understatement. it would've reflected how ignorant i would've been about the me of now. i thought it was tiring following a hella early morning sched for practical driving lessons, but as im struggling through my first wisdom tooth extraction recovery, oh how naive 2025!dio was. (first quarter of 2026 wrapped: SICKNESS GALORE).
i don't have an easy wrap-up revelation, i only have reflections that ive been chewing on for the past few days. i have things i'm Still wrestling with (feeling worthy about the positive interactions i've had with my art and generally the good things in my life, being consistent and firm with taking care of myself, being okay with taking up emotional real estate with my loved ones, etc.)
maybe the biggest thing i'm wrestling with right now is living in the present. when I was feeling down™️i just kept wishing i could go back in time to 2024, 2023, 2022, hell maybe 2021 even though those periods of time weren't perfect and idyllic either. so i'm writing again, i'm staring at the unfinished art i made and still kinda hate, i'm pushing through the painful parts of fixing my unhealthiness even though i want to curl up and cry because
i want to put out my art, my love for these characters into the world instead of playing alone in my head. i want to be around to have heart-to-hearts with my loved ones instead of pretending to be unbothered and jolly. i want to have positive interactions with the people who read my stuff even if i'm scared of being perceived.
by god it hurts but i feel i need to do this. im crawling back, bruised and bloodied to say thank you for sticking around. the format of a social media site doesn't count people who reread and linger on my little silly messy space, but i want to believe that they're around.
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why does it feel like every time i try to manifest for something good in spite of the bad, life decides to throw something worse in my direction. is it because my sad mental spirals are bleeding into everything and tainting it or is it just plain bad luck
like it doesnt make me feel better to know that other ppl are rolling in the deep, im the one who doesnt get problems so for a bunch of em to sucker punch me at once
and ik good things have happened this week, i got some small personal progress and lil joys from viddy game, and i got to go to a concert, but my god The Bad has just been bad and tiring, i feel like i might lash out at someone
hot take: from the beginning, obm has always been carried by its fans. maybe it's just the collective nostalgia and attachment towards the franchise that make it seem like solmare is bringing an end to an amazing era, but the games were not really that good.
you—artists and writers and cosplayers and editors and everyone with a soul and creative bone and love for these characters—you all made it good.
tldr 2024 felt like a decade, but i wouldnt trade away any of the little joys i found—interacting with oomfs, writing fun fanfic, and reading some damn good writing.
to my readers, both frequent and new, thank you for dropping by my little corner of the internet.
and to my mutuals (imagine im holding yall like that👇) thank you for enabling my shenaniganery, i plan to keep up the energy for this year YALL ARE STUCK WITH ME UNTIL THIS WEBSITE CROAKS (jk yalls interactions mean lot to this shy bean, thanks💕💕)
(senti!dio gets sappy and personal under the cut so, beware feelings)
according to ao3, i've written a total of 14,507 words for the year of 2024 but after manually plugging the numbers in, i've actually written (published?) 27,877 words for 2024👁💥👁💥💥👁💥👁💥👁💥💥👁
i still havent hit 100k written words on ao3 but by god i will Get there dammit
(if im reaaaally gonna be nitpicky, i had to write 20k words for my thesis as well, so that makes it a total of ~47k words? maybe more if i count my rambly tags?)
i realize that i have a problem of minimizing things. mostly to cope with the bad, but also consequently dismissing the good.
2024 had some intense bad days, but it also gave me some of my happiest days++some achievements i never thought id be able to make (still struggling to list em down, girlie sometimes gets caught up in overthinking about whether they Are achievements in comparison to what my peers have accomplished, but imma work on that. eventually.)
maybe it's a lingering scar from the pandemic, to not have any expectations, to not set any goals unless i wanted to set myself up for feeling like a failure. the lockdown started right at the end of my senior year in hs so i just have 2 years of [insert static noises] lingering in the back of my mind. part of me was bracing itself for something like that to happen again.
but it didn't?
art and fandom are one of my biggest comforts, but i like to enjoy them mainly on the fringes. its how i unwind and its also how i process my emotions, i didn't need to burden other people with that. i'd rather burden my readers with the brainworms that ive been spinning in my head like laundry, thank you very much.
there's a sense of catharsis in willingly sharing my art and writing with you all. it's something that's been talked about in my classes but not something that i thought i'd get to experience first-hand. and my heart is so full with appreciation that this little blorbo(s?) who refuses to leave my mind was the start of these friendships.
maybe it's true that you get whatever energy you put out? in my wishes to see more jamil fanfic, ive made a lil space for the jamilnatics? it's been great seeing all the art and fic and general brainrot on my dash 💕im a simple girliepop at heart 💕💕
anyways, thanks for enjoying the stuff i put on my blog, i'm still a slow writer but i've still got plenty of stories to share.
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i think it's healing something in me to indulge in yumeshipping and reader insert fanfic 🤧 my fanfic posting started with oc x canon, and there was a time where someone i considered a close friend called my oc a mary sue and boy did that lead to a looong dry spell in terms of my writing lmao
as much as i will rag on obey me and how it was mishandled by the company, it did start the avalanche of my unhinged writing so i'll give it that. srry twst, ur only getting credit for the brainworms beam
i mean there's still that mental block of feeling extra perceived (in a bad way) that i have to work through and some other self-imposed issues (canon OR fanon vs. canon AND fanon, being an overly harsh critic to my own work, etc) but idk, putting out something i like to reread over and over again always ends up feeling rewarding
do the nervous butterflies from posting fanfic ever go away? they have yet to disappear for me 🥴 ig i just have to keep posting lmao, whoever's here reading this is stuck with me as i remove and rewear the clown regalia again and again
you survive 100% of all bad things that happen to you. many people love and care about you and only wish you the best. you are strong, capable; and resilient.
SJLEFJSLE nonon ur so sweet to write smth like this🤧💕
(i only realized that i was misquoting the post i saw, yes i went on a bit of a google dive... apparently it goes: "you survive 100% of your worst days," but i think that the sentiment should still apply...maybe🤔)
where's that post that goes "dw you survive 100% of all bad things happening to you" no i dont need it for any specific reason but it sure would be nice to see it again
