#for joseph

I want to be loved so damn bad.

this was always meant to be a secret.

I dont care about anyone or anything but you. And that fucking hurts because at the moment all i can feel is abandonment and i know that you dont mean to hurt me but this is hell and i just want you to come back.

Those nine days were the worst nine days of my life. Forget being stuck in a hospital for ten months. Forget the screaming and the restraints, missing you was worse. Missing you was worse than the feeling of leather tearing into my skin, worse than the feeling of my guitar, my precious guitar, being slammed into the side of my face and my shoulder. Because I could heal from that.But if you weren't going to return, I wasn't going to heal. I was going to die with blood and tears and hopeless feelings because if you leave me I am nothing. I return to what I once was. But I dont mind if you leave. I want you to be happy. It will kill me if you leave, but it would destroy me if you stayed despite being unhappy. Because all I want is your happiness and wellbeing. I don't want you to be miserable. I love you more than anything in the world and that means that sometimes, I have to make sacrifices. And I would sacrifice myself for you. But I don't have to. Because you're back and you're okay and you still love me even though it's inevitable that there's someone better. Over those nine days the crushing suicidal thoughts returned. But when you came back they dissapeared and as long as you remain, i will stay satisfied with my life. I love you. Is it selfish that I never want you to leave? It doesn't matter... i don't think you want to.