#fns pesterlog

TT: And why is that? TT: Don’t get me wrong, I’m not turning down the apology, I just don’t recall you doing anything that would warrant one. TT: And I’ve got a REALLY good memory when it comes to being wronged. I can hold onto a grudge longer than a miser holds onto his last gold coin.

TT: Nice to see your knack for simile was not brought low by your sudden arrival at the peak of capitalist agony. TT: I merely feel that I was TT: A bit aggressive TT: When we were discussing the whereabouts of your friends. TT: To the point of insensitivity, even. TT: You’ve known them far longer than I have. TT: I don’t really have a place telling you what to do or how to feel about their absence, and dismissing your belief on the subject was extremely TT: What’s the fucking word here TT: An asshole thing to do?

TT: I’d go with ‘crass’, personally, but hey, your call. TT: And you really weren’t. Or at least I didn’t perceive it that way. TT: But yeah, I do know them a whole lot better than everyone else here except Roxy, who actually knows both of them better than me. TT: So if you want to discuss our missing teammates, I’d go to her.

TT: Noted. TT: Crass is good, thank you. TT: I was not intending to turn the general subject in that direction at the moment, though. TT: I was projecting and TT: That’s really not important, sorry. I digress. TT: What I’m trying to get at is, what do you think we should do, in the grand scheme of things? TT: I believe you are no great fan of Dave’s federal crime-based plan, and I think, for various reasons of respect for your faculties I will decline to list for the moment, that you probably have some good ideas too. TT: I think you’re a planner and an organizer, of a sort. TT: And I’d like to listen to you.

TT: Well, sorry to disappoint, but Dave’s actually thought things through further than I have in terms of the ‘actual plan’ thing. TT: I’ve mostly been stressed about two potentially dead friends, trying to comprehend how anyone could have possibly thought that this current economic system in which I have found myself trapped was a good idea in any way, and really goddamn tired. Like, constantly. Is that normal? Probably fucking not! TT: I’m not a fan of Dave’s idea because I still have little to no idea how his god tier powers work, and even if I did, using god tier powers bequeathed by a game we risked our damn lives to escape seems like a bad idea. TT: And besides that, the fact that we still have these powers makes me uneasy.

TT: Likewise. TT: How have you been sleeping? And eating, for that matter. Do you two have food?

TT: Sleep hasn’t been a priority, and Dave’s cooking is honestly shit. TT: Mine is too, but whatever. The point is that on both ends, the situation isn’t the best. TT: The shituation. I could have made an ill-fitting pun there. TT: I am glad to know that I’m not the only one who’s apprehensive about the god tier thing though. Everyone else seems completely chill with it, which I guess is understandable given how sick as fuck their powers are, but. You know. TT: I’m paranoid.

TT: You said it, not me. TT: I’m going to advise sleep, soon. It may not be a priority but it is a basic biological need that can derail any and all priorities by making you a machine that makes poor choices. This helps no one. TT: Regarding the powers, I am concerned that our access to these abilities (and also the conditional immortality with which they may be inextricably linked) implies a perpetuation of the system of Sburb into this land. TT: I have made investigating this possibility one of my personal priorities, and I am planning on bringing it up with basically everyone. TT: That being said, I can’t really fault someone for using the cool shit we more or less fell ass-backwards into and yet also somehow cosmically Earned, and also not thinking too hard about it all happening again. TT: It seems that you can’t really help considering the reasons behind us being gods. TT: Neither can I. TT: But I am reluctant to force that awareness onto someone who does not already possess it, at least for the time being.

TT: We’re in agreement there. TT: If everyone else is happy not thinking about that shit and living out our potentially neverending lives here as though this is truly a normal Earth, what the hell, let them do that. TT: Those of us who are more inclined to paranoia and to making ourselves suffer endless trials of bullshit can handle the big issues. TT: However, I’m not planning on doing any investigating for the time being, as I am still stuck in the same apartment as Dave, and that situation remains awkward as all fuck. TT: If I set foot outside this room I’d fear for my life. TT: It is so goddamn easy to enter into ‘small talk’ with that guy. Holy Shit. I just wanna poke my head out and survey my surroundings and before I know it we’re avoiding eye contact and talking about the fucking weather. TT: 0/10, would not recommend further interactions with Dave until whatever our current deal is clears up. TT: And fuck you, I’ll sleep when I’m good and goddamn ready, and not a minute sooner. Biological needs are bullshit, I am a literal god.

TT: Let me know how that works out.

TT: Will do. TT: On another subject, one semi-relating to the current topic: Is it really just me that’s been feeling disconnected from my body? Is that a dreamself related thing, given that we’re all technically using our dreamselves, bodies that had never left Derse/Prospit until they got blown sky high in my case, or am I just specifically cursed to never be free from these stupid fucking issues of self?

TT: Without speculating too much about the causes of such thing, or delving particularly deep into your past and your relationship with your dreamself… TT: I have always had a rather tenuous relationship with my own body. However I will also say that the attendant feeling of disconnection has not increased in the last few days. TT: However, my experience of déjà vu has been nigh-constant.

TT: That’s completely different from my specific persistent issue, but okay. It’s somewhat relieving to know that at the very least, I’m not alone in my bizarre and confusing suffering. TT: So this is what, post-Sburb blues? I’d buy that. TT: There is a potential that my problems are due to my past six dozen splinters, I think. TT: Or to the fact that this is the first time that I’ve only had one self. TT: All my splinters are gone now, which is a massive load off my shoulders, but also. Weird. TT: For a long time now I’ve wished to escape the nigh-endless reflections of myself that I unwittingly surrounded myself with, and now that I have, it’s actually kind of lonely out here. TT: This is still a good thing though. My splinters were ASSHOLES.

TT: Mmmmm. TT: I was actually going to speculate that our mutual troubles were the result of the same process, filtered through our different relationships with our Aspect. TT: But honestly I am beginning to suspect that, as with so many other questions, the answer is ‘both motherfucking things’. TT: How I tire of that refrain, echoing throughout my life, mocking me. TT: Is it fate or free will? Is my class giving me powers or is this who I am as a person reflected by the game? Peanut butter or chocolate? TT: I’ll ask the others, maybe, if they are experiencing anything odd or unusual for them. TT: Okay, here. TT: Is there anything I can do for you?

TT: Probably not, given that we are separated by several thousand miles worth of what I guess is newly-spawned human civilization, and that my solution was going to be for you to knock me out by force so that I will be either unconscious or dead, and in both cases freed from this shitty mortal coil. Temporarily or permanently. TT: The only thing within your power at the moment is to sagely nod, an action which I’m unable to see, but believe me it does count, and to tell me that this shit sucks. TT: Which it seriously does. TT: God, I thought I was frustrated with who I am as a person before, when I had to deal with so many reflections of myself I felt like I was walking through a goddamn funhouse, but now? This is worse. Give me my bratty sunglasses and lousy dreamself back. I will accept their asshole behavior with open arms.

TT: I have a question for you: TT: Why are we anything but ecstatic at escaping a cycle of death and rebirth that would have inevitably doomed us and everyone we love?

TT: Because we’re back where we started, basically. TT: Except now, in your crew’s case, you’re being forced to accept that your guardians are gone forever, and in my and Roxy’s case, we’re having to adjust to a completely different Earth, and a lot of shattered expectations. TT: Sure, I guess we did ‘grow emotionally’ or whatever the fuck during the course of our years meandering through an endless bog of frustration and bullshit, but do any of us feel like that’s the important thing here? TT: Of course it’s not. TT: What’s important is that we have no idea what comes next, and deep down, we all know that wherever we go from here is going to seem incredibly dull and meaningless compared to the experience of either saving or creating the universe. I’m still not sure what exactly we did there.

TT: At a guess: Both motherfucking things.