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i got a text from her at 4:19 am saying this:

I don't think anyone understands how wonderful it is to walk a beautiful campus by yourself at 4:15 in the morning. I've never been so happy in my entire life.

which was followed by:

I didn't dance; I walked. I danced in the academic building. But yes yes I'm so good. I love my campus more than anywhere else in the world. I went to get Chex Mix for Say Anything.

So I'm sitting here in bed sick yet not sleeping due to too much sleep (for once) and as part of my boredom, I begin to think.

I really can't remember the last time I just sat and thought about everything in my life. Recently, I've realized that it is amazing how much I take for granted and ignore on a daily basis. I act as if my life is frustrating and dumb (which is can be sometimes) but it also is beautiful and incredibly blessed. I am living in Paris. How many people get to say that? I have an amazing, loud, tight-knit family who care about me and love me more than words. I have so many incredible friends around me who put up with my bullshit on a daily basis and listen to my rant about how shitty my life is. This includes a stunning friend of mine who lives literally next door to me and listens to me whine and complain and bitch and cry and hyperventilate when I don't know how I can continue. I constantly focus on what's crappy and how fucked up my brain is when I realize that it is all me. Personality disorders aside, I do it to myself. I cause myself to whine and complain and bitch and cry and hyperventilate by torturing my self with this notion of "nothing will get better."

But it does get better. IT DOES. I know it can and I know it will. I would hate my life in middle school and move on and it would get better. I would hate my life in high school and move on and it would get better. I would hate my life for the first two years of college and now here I am, in fucking PARIS, living a life that so many people would kill to have. So what is wrong with me? Why can't I just appreciate and love and adore my world the way I know so many others do? Yes, I have issues. Who doesn't? But I can't let my issues control my life. I have to choose my own destiny and prove my past wrong. I have to stop thinking that history repeats itself because for all we know, it won't! All we know, I will be a proud friend of many people in ten years who are with me now. All we know, those people won't leave and they will continue to be my favorites on my cell phone and friends I ask to be in my bridal party.