BIMBO HOUSE MATH: SPIDER-MAN DISCOVERS SEX DIFFERENCES
Sooo…
There's a scene in the new Spider-Man movie where Peter meets Yelena in what apparently passes for her office.
A fucking spa pool.
Because apparently Outlook and a desk weren't cinematic enough.
She's submerged in the water.
Peter shows up.
She tells him to strip.
To check for weapons.
And Peter actually starts taking his shit off.
Eventually he's standing there in his underwear and Spider-Man mask looking like the world's most confusing OnlyFans account.
Meanwhile Yelena remains strategically underwater.
And I thought:
Wait.
WAIT.
I have questions.
Modern Human has spent years explaining that men and women are basically interchangeable whenever biology becomes inconvenient.
Okay.
Cool.
Then get Florence's tits out of the water.
No?
WHY NOT?
Peter's nipples are upstairs conducting business.
Hers are apparently classified documents.
I thought nipples were nipples?
Free the nipple!
Equality!
Bodies are bodies!
Apparently not when Disney needs a rating.
Then suddenly everybody remembers:
"Ohhhh, right. Female breasts are culturally sexualized differently."
HAHAHAHA.
LOOK AT THAT.
THE SPECIES REMEMBERS SEX DIFFERENCES.
Nature: 1.
Committee meeting: 0.
But forget the tits.
The FUNNIEST part is the stripping.
Because Yelena tells Peter to remove his clothes so she can inspect him for weapons.
And the scene gets to play with his discomfort.
Fine.
I'm not clutching pearls.
I'm laughing.
But reverse those chromosomes and watch civilization shit its pants.
Peter Parker is sitting comfortably in a hot tub.
Yelena walks in.
Peter looks her over.
"Strip."
She hesitates.
"I need to make sure you aren't hiding anything."
Ohhhhhhhhhh FUCK.
You could hear laptops opening across America.
Before Florence Pugh got her second boot off, somebody would already be typing:
COERCIVE POWER DYNAMICS IN THE MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE: A THREAD 🧵
"Why does a MAN need a WOMAN to undress for his inspection?"
"This scene made me deeply uncomfortable."
"The sexual power imbalance here is actually terrifying."
"Do better, Marvel."
And somewhere in the comments, Karen's male guard dog would arrive panting:
"AS A MAN, I found this deeply problematic."
Thank you, Kyle.
She still isn't going to fuck you.
Same scene.
Same adults.
Same security rationale.
Same underwear.
Different plumbing.
Completely different graduate thesis.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call…
BIMBO HOUSE MATH.
Where 2 + 2 equals whatever answer prevents us from admitting that humans perceive male and female sexuality differently.
And here's where it gets even better.
Tom Holland reportedly dehydrated himself before filming the scene because he knew he was going to be shirtless and wanted his body looking right.
HAHAHAHA.
My brother in Christ was apparently turning his kidneys into raisins so Hollywood could casually present his torso to millions of people…
while we continue pretending male objectification becomes invisible if everybody agrees not to use the word.
And you know what?
I DON'T CARE.
He's Spider-Man.
He's attractive.
Florence Pugh is attractive.
They're movie stars.
Hollywood has been putting beautiful humans under expensive lighting since somebody realized ugly people don't sell nearly as many perfume ads.
Objectify everybody.
We're primates.
We like looking at pretty mammals.
I can survive this revelation.
Just stop lying about the rules.
Because the rules clearly aren't:
"Male and female bodies are treated exactly the same."
They aren't.
The rules are:
"We know perfectly well that they're different, but acknowledging exactly HOW they're different depends on whether Twitter is currently holding a knife."
Equal dignity?
Absolutely.
Equal rights?
Obviously.
Identical?
Stop smoking whatever came out of the Infinity Stones.
Men and women aren't even treated identically by the CAMERA.
Peter can stand there with his chest out.
Yelena stays submerged.
Peter gets ordered to strip and it's cheeky superhero banter.
Reverse it and Marvel's PR department would be hiding under Kevin Feige's desk before lunch.
You know it.
I know it.
The writers know it.
The ratings board knows it.
The fucking WATER knows it.
And that's what makes the whole thing hilarious.
Modern Human spends enormous amounts of energy publicly denying distinctions it privately understands so well that it can choreograph them down to the fucking waterline.
Nobody had to explain where Florence Pugh should sit.
Nobody needed a symposium.
Nobody brought in a philosopher.
They filled the pool.
She got in.
Water went HERE.
Because beneath fifty thousand pages of cultural commentary…
the upright primate still knows exactly what it's looking at.
It just occasionally pretends not to.
Bimbo House Math.
The numbers don't have to make sense.
You just have to nod like they do.
More crimes against selective reasoning:
https://linktr.ee/ObeyMyCadence
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