Introverts rejoice! 5 ready-made ways to extricate yourself from a conversation:
Trapped on a form of transportation that has placed you next to a complete stranger enumerating her 15 cat’s many quirky behaviors? Use one of these tried and true methods to evacuate the conversation:
Respond to any reference to the weather by stating, “Feeling sensation. Must be nice. Haven’t been able to do that since my nerve endings were destroyed in a fire along with my immediate family.”
Extinguish a torch with half a coconut shell, and say “On the reality TV show Survivor, this action signified an ending of sorts, I’m hoping it has the same affect on this conversation.”
Try out a classic failsafe – utter in low raspy voice “this conversation hath dirtied me, and now I must cleanse” and discharge all bodily fluids in a single instance: Earwax, sweat, blood, feces, ejaculate, tears, and mucus. Be sure to meticulously collect all of it into a container for later reentry into the body. Please observe the norms of human decency and wait for a private moment to do so.
Use reverse psychology, and launch into an engaging story: “Have I told you the story of how I was stuck in traffic for four straight hours yet? For the first minute I maintained a speed of 5 MPH, then after a lively internal debate on whether to keep the fan on speed 5 or lower it to speed four, I had a revelation: some lanes were making more progress than others. Minute two... well that’s whole other story for another day...”
Stop mid-conversation and take stock of all your possessions. Start emptying all your pockets, including the flesh pocket on your upper thigh containing the Lost JewelStones of Solomon. Group the items based on value making sure the JewelStones have been grouped with lint and used tissues to mask their true value. Once done stand up, and make an insightful observation for the fuck of it, “Organizing things is a calming and an oddly satisfying behavior.”
Hope this helps!
