#flame's burning

this is basically me ranting about how GRATEFUL i am for the friends i have now. when i look back on my past friendship that lasted basically my whole life till now, i realize that it probably wasn’t that great. I met my “BFF” before preschool like GEEZ- we we’re great friends; talked about everything, did everything together- we came and went and we met other people who loved her but i don’t think they ever really liked me... as we grew up, i started too realize i was going in a different direction... as sad as it is, me becoming an artist and it being apart of my dream, is what leads me to believe that we aren’t as close. she has a dream of becoming a doctor in a field relating to the eyes, and i became a huge fucking nerd who likes to draw and animate- NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT BY THE WAY- but i think we became to different... the friends we met along the way, the ones i didn’t think liked me... well they all hang out and have fun- 8th grade was the worst year for me... i was getting so much worse and i started to feel helpless- i didn’t think i could escape this hell i believed i had made for myself. heres why;;; i like to consider myself a nice person, a lot of people tell me that too- so we had a new kid at our school and she was in my class- so i talked to her because she seemed very left out. we kinda got along and i was letting her sit with me at lunch... when my other friends came, they were confused and actually really rude, questioning why she was in “her spot”. (i had two main friends, A will be the one from preschool, B will just be the other-) B was in volleyball and had been spending time with C ( a major bitch. we didnt have good history-) C was the only person B knew so I guess they started to go eat lunch at a classroom together. well A doesn’t show up to lunch for a few days and LOW AND BEHOLD she’s with them in the classroom... basically i asked them about lunch and they said its because they don’t like the new girl and B is trying to make friends with C because volleyball... yeah well BULLSHIT! They have like 2 other people with them btw (D and E) and so eventually, we get to a point where they DO eat out of the classroom but not at “our” table. They eat at the table BEHIND us.... do you know how FUCKED UP that is? My best friends don’t hang out with me and now they SHOW ME that they will hang out with other people... we walked to school together... A would walk to my house (we live on same street) and we’d go to a spot and wait for C then go to school. Then, after school, we met at a spot and walked home. yeah well.... sometimes they would stay after school so they’d text me... yeah i saw them walking once... so for a few days, i would text after school “sorry not walking today” and proceed to throw my hood on and cry. Now my house is like 10 min walk from my house so i have to try to stop crying. After a few days of texting that, i started not saying anything and i just always walked home alone, emotionless. At this point, during lunch i was silent with the other “friends” i had and i really cut myself off from people... the year just got worse and worse... i started getting bullied again (i say again because i was bullied in kindergarten) and at this point i only had “one friend”... yeah i lost her too..... my last term, i TA’d with this girl (F)and we became really close and we stuck out the rest of the year. At this point, i was walking to school alone and walking home alone. I wasnt happy a lot but i mean... i cant just show it... so i wore a mask... summer sucked because i was sort of mean to my parents but... i tried to have my birthday party... i asked all of them who could go and when... and “surprisingly” no one could come... everyone said no.... it was my first birthday “by myself”... i was broken, but you can’t let them see that- school starts rolling around and i ask my “friends” if we’ll be walking to school together- A says they have other plans and B says they are going to be dropped off. I left my home on the first day of school and saw them walking together........ holy shit i fucking cried;;; I CRIED BEHIND MY “FRIENDS” WHILE WALKING TO SCHOOL AND IT WAS THE FIRST DAY!!!!! ... so guess how lunch was... i stood by my next classroom door and didn’t eat lunch.... so lets go to class, AVID. Here’s where some good comes in. I sat down in the corner of the room, i was broken and had developed high anxiety; i was not going to be talking to anyone, no way... but then a classmate comes and sits next to me and introduces themselves... Amelia. I LOST MY FUCKING MIND! I didn’t know how to socially interact! Luckily i introduced myself but i probably looked like an idiot to her! then last period came and this cycle repeated for about a week. I started having lunch with F for the rest of the term, Amelia and I knew each other but we weren’t crazy friends, and i was still broken.

2nd term came.  I had no one to sit with. I sat with different people everyday. somehow, i managed to find myself a group. 2 girls. one i met in middle school and we had gotten close but it ended and here we were again. this time we were friends, not classmates. then we met the other girl and we had a group. more people came, some people left. it was crazy. At this point, i was closer with Amelia and she had introduced me to some of my crazy friends @puffthetrex and @logicallymoral  we weren’t that close but i really wanted to get to know them, i thought maybe i was getting another chance. time kept going by and we all got closer and closer. (oh fyi, A and B are in my AVID class too-) In term 2, i had animation, and here’s how the animation family formed. we had to get seats in alphabetical order (rows of three) and our two rows were right in the middle. one of us had mentioned a fandom and we all went insane (i think it was thomas sanders) then we all exchanged phone numbers and made a group chat. (if you cant tell, i am NOW trying to sum this up because i feel bad-)  

throughout the terms we all got closer and we became a family with @puffthetrex  @logicallymoral  @disney-comics1371 and a few of our other friends. Amelia is also a part of this family and its great. I haven’t been doing this well in a while and i just cant ever express how thankful i am that i got another chance to meet these beautiful people. Now most of my anxiety stems from the past and i’ve been doing better. I don’t think i’d be alive if it weren’t for these amazing people. I’m not alone anymore, i can feel it. Of course, i’m going to have shitty days but i CAN count on them. I finally feel like i truly belong somewhere. and i still have thoughts that they “talk about me behind my back” or “want me to leave” and shit like that... all of this because of my “old friends”... 

I love you guys so much and I honestly can’t thank you enough for wanting to be my friend and sticking with me through everything. I hope our connections grow stronger and we stick together.  

so

imma draw instead 

so for the past few days my room has had a very disgusting smell but nobody has known why  my mom figured it was the baby pumpkin i had so i was forced to throw it out  however it still smells terrible  so im putting my homework away rn and I realize that i have an old bag of oranges in my bag so I take them out and the smell is like the one in my room  at first i figured it was those so i threw them away  then i remembered my Grandpa gave me an orange like a week or two ago 

i looked at the place i put it and oMF G 

I WANT TO THROW UP 

I CANT EVEN LOOK AT IT AGAIN 

ITS SO FUCKING GROSS 

AND IT HAS NO COLOR ORANGE 

ITS ALL MOLDED AND GREEN