#fisali

With a hesitant breath, I reread the newest letter. So many letters, which was comforting really.  Were there people who actually cared about me? All of this however, taxes my mind. I should remember. I need to remember.

This letter had a name, but it did not tell much information. Was this Klo one of the faces from my reoccurring dream? Or had word gotten out about my instability, and someone wishes to capitalized upon it?

I ran with that line of thought for a bit, then shook my head dismissively. I've nothing of value, I'm a no one. No benefit to anther. Right?

"… the Dagger still needs you,"  I read again.

Who is this? It wasn't the battalion I was in. Some special interests group then. Who am I to them? Who are they to me?

Perhaps this is the operation A.B. had mentioned in his letter. He said that the healthy sum he had deposited for my use, was for my use only. Was this Klo the one he was hinting it should be kept from?  

She left me there. No, she ran from me. Why would she had left me? That question alone creates instant distrust for this individual.

Pulling out my other letters, I scanned over the first one - searching for anything that may be a hint, the missing clue.

I'm not sure what to make out of this Fis, Fi person. Seems we were familiar with each other before, long before per the way her words were written. Seems innocent enough. Maybe she is one of the other faces from my dream. Maybe one I could actually trust?

Looking to the next letter, I read over it. Kali, I'm not sure. She did something before, now asking to talk about it. An old friend that ended badly, I'll assume. I'll know more once I met with her.

A.B… I wanted to keep my secret from this one but for some reason, after reading that we're brother in arms, something inside me wanted to extend a thread of trust.

With a frustrated growl, I stuffed the letters back into my satchel.

Fi,

I'm trying to stay away from highly populated areas. Went out a few days ago and was baffled by the amount of stupidity I came across. Army rejects, perhaps?

Finding it hard to fit back into society. Been receiving letters, from multiple people. Which is nice, but my memory has become foggy since the war.

If you wish to see me, just write with a time and place. Until then, you take care of yourself.

- Fen

Fis,

I'm breathing still so do not worry. I am happy to hear from you, from your words, you seem to be doing better than others. War is a fascinating, yet terrible thing.

We should catch up, sometime.

- Fen

I hate writing in you, oh dear journal of mine. Yet, I’ve found myself with an non-developing task where I cannot leave. My mind is racing with thoughts. Writing usually helps put some order to these thoughts. So here we go, once more.

Alla’s home is surprisingly of a simple nature that, to some degree, mirrors my own apartment here at the Row. Wooden floorboards, several bookshelves, reading area next to a fireplace. Could it be that we’ve more in common than at first glance?

But this place isn’t lived by just Alla. No, his brother lives here too. Which, would be fine, if not for that small issue with him being a Death Knight. I didn’t sleep any last night for fears he’d have one of those random strikes of the Hunger and decide I’d be a prime target. Luckily enough, he hasn’t returned to Alla’s room.

So here I am, sitting here in this chair, next to Alla’s sleeping form, watching over the poor fool. I call him a fool for how he had gotten himself into his current vegetative state. I’m not sure how much I can believe from blue eyes, but per him, it was because he worked himself over something Klo was about to do. Not sure what it was she was doing, but there were enough hints dropped that I’ll be curious enough to ask of it from her later.

It is strange to see Alla like this. All tucked in bed with more care than I had imagined possible from a Death Knight. What worries me more however, is the lack of brightness from his still opened Fel tainted eyes, his slow breathing, and also, the complexion of his skin - which is pale. He looks malnourished, a husk of his former self. I had already dripped some warm broth into him, hopefully that will help.

 I’m unsure how much longer he’ll be like this. Laz had said that it would be best for him to wake on his own.  So I will wait. Feed him broth like a mother would to a sick child. Me and Alla, we’re friends, right? That’s what friends to for each other. I think. I haven’t had much of friends over this past year, not the lasting kinds. Ten is loyal and I do consider him a friend, but his lack of conversational skills often leave something  to be desired. He works hard to maintain his dark and mysterious role.

Klo is ‘friendly,’ and we have had our moments of openness in the past. However, under the burden of leadership, she has changed. I constantly see her slipping from her old childish demeanor to a more cut throat business one. I’m not sure if I like that side of her. Near heartless. Pure calculation. And then there’s that hint Laz had dropped, about the things she has done. Alla on a string?

Alla, could what your brother said be true? Could you have fallen so low to actually believe in a thing such as ‘love’? I will find out more of that if… when he wakes. And if it be true, set him straight on that matter. Best to have him face the cold and hard truth.

 Does that make me heartless?

 Kali seems to have moved closer to becoming a real friend. She shared something with me, something of her past that I found quite troubling. I tried to comfort her the best I could, but as she laid her head on my lap with my fingers combing through her hair, thoughts of my sister came to me. How many times have I held her, my twin, in a tight embrace after she had faced some heartbreak?

I took Kali to see her, or the grave site rather. I had not been there to see her since *next few lines were marked out to the point of it being illegible*

She did something I had not expected from her. She had created an eternal flame to help mark the grave. It nearly brought me to tears, but I think I was able to hide that from Kali well enough. It would not do to see tears fall from my eyes. Crying is for the weak.

Kali thinks she is weak and a coward for what had happened to her. She isn’t. If she were, she’d have drunken herself to sleep since then and eventually dropped a noose around her neck just like *scratched out word* did. I’m not sure how else to tell her, but perhaps with time more words will come to me.

If anyone were a coward, it would be me. Wish I were better with words. Wish I could truly explain my actions, why do the things that I do. If I had the talent, I’d tell her Fisali the truth. Fisali, the woman who I have not seen in weeks, not since he had returned. Likely, I will not see her again. Perhaps that is best? It’d help keep him off my back. I’m unsure as to what to do there. I’m at a loss.

Which is why I so often try to focus on my work. I’ve received word of a job that needs to be done, the sooner the better. Trouble is, finding the right kinds of people to do it. I am not interested in sleeping around like so many others seem to be. Where are all the real people? Ones who believe in doing something greater than themselves, something that will actually make an impact outside the Row, outside our city?

I suppose it's.. been some time since I've written anything on these tattered pages. Where do I even start? The end? But which one? --- Fel, I don't even know why I'm writing to begin with. There's only one person I can think of that will even come close to finding this. So, dear, if you're reading this, feel free to leave me a note. Should be a fun game.

Now then. Where to start. Hm. I struck a deal with the shadows and in turn, they took a cozy seat in my mind. Which, granted, I asked for. It was a fair deal at the time -- I got to play in the shadow realm while they subtly (or not so subtly) controlled me. Fun, right? Yeah, I didn't think so either after I was 'cured'. I did things I won't ever forget. Some nights are easier than others to forget the dying eyes that are burnt into my memory. Let's see - shot a fellow member? Check. Subtly took a hold of.. well. My best friend's mind? Check. We won't go into the others - there's more blood on my hands than I would ever like to admit. But.. lately it's gotten a lot easier. There's hope - progress. It's slow, and damn if I don't want it any other way.

It ended on a ship, of all places. A ship? Ha. I hate ships. But I suppose having a large amount of shadow magics coursing through you tends to get rid of .. fears? No, it's not a fear. I just don't like them. -- Anyways. We had a nice trip on an empty ship for a while before the rest of the House came to the 'rescue'. I had taken Farwyn with me, who by then, had essentially become my.. partner in the shadows. It ended with myself getting a good bit of Light burnt into me; I suppose it's a good thing all it did was make me black out. -- I heard Farwyn ended up actually dying for a few seconds when they finally got him down. I'll never admit it to him, but I'm glad the grumpy bastard didn't stay that way.

Skip forward a day or two and we're at the point of Lady Runeweaver finishing up the spell to keep this godsforsaken corruption suppressed. It worked as intended -- I haven't lost control since, and I'm confident I never will again. I suppose that's all there is to say about that. I can't say I know the details of how it works, but it works. And that's all that matters.