Warnings: mentions of death, swearing, breakup, therapy
Word count: 977
Prompt: Taylor Swift song: I donât wanna live forever
A/N: SO, this is for @geosaurusrrexââs 2k milestone and itâs also the first thing that Iâve ever posted anywhere, so please be nice I guess? Also, I really hope I used the right warnings
And! Thank you to @agentpeggybarnesâ for proofreading this!
Been sittin' eyes wide open behind these four walls, hopin' you'll call
It's just a cruel existence like it's no point hopin' at all
"Come on, Y/N, come out of your room. You need to eat something," Sam's voice sounded from in front of your door. But you didn't budge from the bed. You were not in the mood to eat anything ever since that dumb battle.Â
"Go away, Sam. I'm okay." You weren't actually and you doubted you'll ever be, but it didn't matter. You're still wishing it's all a bad dream that Wanda will wake you up from with a kiss to the forehead like she used to do. Deep down, though, you know it's all impossible.Â
Baby, baby, I feel crazy
Up all night, all night and every day
Give me somethin', oh, but you say nothin'
What is happenin' to me?
You stumbled to the bathroom to wash some of the sweat of your body and to clean your teeth. As you looked into the mirror, you realized you should probably also brush your hair. One could really see that you haven't been sleeping at all for the past week. It's not for the lack of trying, but there's just something missing in the bed next to you.Â
"Friday, do you have any old voice recordings of Wanda? From when she was happy? Before that stupid asshole Thanos decided to kill her?"Â
"Sorry, Miss Y/L/N, but Mr Stark ordered I am not allowed to play those recordings for you," the AI answered with what seemed a regretful voice.
What the fuck? You glared at the ceiling, though you knew Friday was just listening to the orders.Â
"It's okay, Friday. Could you maybe tell me where Tony is currently?"
I don't wanna live forever
'Cause I know I'll be livin' in vain
And I don't wanna fit wherever
I just wanna keep callin' your name
Until you come back home
I just wanna keep callin' your name
Until you come back home
I just wanna keep callin' your name
Until you come back home
Well, it looks like they at least managed to get you out of your room. As soon as you got in the living room though, the two super soldiers stood up, since you looked ready to murder someone. That someone was sitting on the sofa, doing something on his computer.
"Tony?", you said with fake calmness. It made him look up though.
"...yes, Y/N?"Â
"What the fuck do you think you're doing? Fucking forbidding me to listen to her voice? I don't have anything else to live for anyway." It was true, as much as it hurt you to admit it. You were going to spend your life with Wanda. You two would have a cute little house somewhere, maybe adopt a kid.Â
While thinking about this, you didn't even notice everything happening around you. Sam slowly leading you to the couch, Peter lowering the TV volume. At some point, you felt Steve carefully drying your cheeks. Were you crying again? I mean, you weren't doing anything else lately.Â
It felt good though. Being next to other people. Maybe you'll even manage to eat something today.
I'm sittin' eyes wide open and I got one thing stuck in my mind
Wondering if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life
It was a week later and your first appointment of therapy. You're sitting opposite the therapist that Tony suggested. Apparently, she helps him a lot and she's really good.
"Hi, Y/N. How are you feeling?" You wanted to answer that you feel like shit, but couldn't quite bring yourself to. So instead, you just said: "Fine," and shrugged a bit.Â
"Okay, " the therapist accepted the answer, though a bit sceptical and continued: "Could you maybe describe your relationship with Wanda for me?"
Hah. That's a good question.Â
"It...let's put it this way, it was definitely complicated. Especially at the beginning. I liked her, a lot. But I knew that she had her own problems, just like I had my own. We were both too complicated, at least as far as I was concerned.
Then she asked me out and I said no because I wasn't sure about my own feelings. And when she went out with someone else a few times. And she seemed really happy, I didn't want to ruin that. I wasn't sure if I made the right choice. Anyways, sometime later she broke up with that person and she was heartbroken. I was there to pick up the pieces. I had some heart-to-heart talks with her and at some point, we started dating. Turns out all of my fears had to do something with my low self-esteem."
You talked about random things for the whole hour and you had to admit, it felt really nice.Â
I've been looking sad in all the nicest places
(Baby, baby, I feel crazy)
I see you around in all these empty faces
(Up all night, all night and every day)
I've been looking sad in all the nicest places
(Give me somethin', oh, but you say nothin')
Now I'm in a cab, I tell him where your place is
What is happenin' to me?
I just wanna keep callin' your name
Until you come back home
Until you come back home
It took some time, but with the support of the team and your therapist, you were able to function properly and didn't break down in tears every time you thought of Wanda. You were never together with anyone else and you never stopped loving her. Sometimes you still had nightmares about her dying and woke up screaming her name, but those were rare.
You knew how special Wanda was and how lucky you were to be able to call her yours.
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The piano that have seen my first notes.. My failures and success.. The disappointments and the hopes.. Mixed feelings to be around you.. But for me you will always be in my heart.. #conservatoire #firstpiano #firstpiece #mixedfeelingsâ¤ď¸ (at Conservatoire De musique D' Alexandrie) https://www.instagram.com/p/CIYaGPXBmIE/?igshid=vebecb69h1lu
Purity culture refers to the term most evangelical Christians use to promote the biblical view of purity. Purity culture mainly affects young Christian women, who grow up in strict Christian families. These girls are taught from a young age to wait to have sex until marriage or you go to hell. Not all families word it that way but in the mind of a twelve or thirteen-year-old girl thats what it sounds like. For me as a young girl, I was never interested in sex, I had my fair share of crushes but I never thought of boys romantically at the time, frankly, Iâm not even sure if I knew what a boyfriend really was. When I got older I noticed the subject of purity being brought up in church, by my mom, and through Christian youtube channels and TV shows, I watched at the time.Â
A lot of these channels and TV shows are actually pretty predatory and use language that subconsciously brainwashes young girls into believing purity culture. When I was in eighth grade and fell into the rabbit hole of Christian youtube, I was immersed in a language that sounded welcoming but actually wasnât. It was common for me to hear stuff like âIf you donât want to thats fine, but this is what God wantsâ or the youth pastor favorite of comparing a teenage girl to an inanimate object that loses its worth if its âused.â The reason why this is problematic is that it teaches young girls that if they do make this âmistakeâ theyâll be useless to Christian society and wonât be able to find a partner.
About six months ago I still had the same beliefs, these thoughts misconstrued my views daily about myself, men, and the world. It wasnât until I started to read about the history of purity culture and understand what it actually is that I started to realize how for the past two years of my life I was trying to live up to some unnatural notion that only applies to women. Men can be victims of purity culture of course and in most Christian families they are encouraged to wait till marriage but thereâs a different level of obsession when it comes to preventing young girls from having sex.Â
Itâs common for girls to receive purity rings (I still wear mine), special talks, have Hymen checks or âpurity testsâ, some are even asked to go to purity balls with their fathers. Those all play into controlling women and, itâs obvious no matter how hard Christians try to explain their way out of it. We all know that most teenagers arenât going to follow the rule of waiting until marriage but instead of actually talking to their kids they decide to use shame as their form of birth control which actually creates more confusion and âdestructionâ as they call it.Â
Now Iâm not saying we should allow kids to just run around having sex, even as a sixteen-year-old girl I understand thats not logical. But itâs important to talk to kids in a respectful matter that doesnât condemn them to hell. All teenagers have an underdeveloped brain that wonât be done growing for most until their twenty-five. So itâs illogical to put so much pressure on them during their adolescents, especially when it comes to hell, marrying at such early ages like eighteen and nineteen, purity tests, purity balls, and everything else that comes with being a teenager in America. Itâs common for these young girls to get married at such young ages because they feel like they have no other option. It makes sense for these Christian relationships to turn to marriage once they turn eighteen because theyâve basically been groomed their whole life to think thats the way life works.
Purity culture has always been about men controlling women. From fathers taking their daughters to purity balls, marrying girls off at a young age, and checking hymens, when we know scientifically speaking you canât really check for virginity. Itâs an inherently misogynistic ideology that perpetuates the idea of women being weak and fragile and that they need to basically bow down to their partners sexually. Especially when you look at the same men preaching purity ignoring any science and biblical text that disagrees with them, donât forget how this only applies to young girls. Virginity itself is a social construct with everyone having their own interpretation of it, it also was used by men to continue their weird fetish of young, sometimes even prepubescent, girlsâ innocence. Thatâs still seen today with grown men wanting young virgin wives that are twenty plus years younger than them, or high school seniors wanting an inexperienced freshman.
Itâs important for these young girls to not feel ashamed for their choice and to be taught how to have sex in a safe way. Itâs also important we as a society talk about sex in an open and healthy way, and destigmatize a healthy sex life for women. Itâs important for women to know they have options whether they want to have sex or not before marriage is their choice and they shouldnât be ridiculed for it. Itâs important whether youâre a Christian or an atheist to move on from this man created ideology that has no value to human life.
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The #judges of #CCPDropTheMic now give their #feedback on my #FirstPiece of the show. #SHOUTOUT to us being #EmmyNominated up to #3x for our #performances and #transparency in our #poems / #pieces .That what the background in this clip represents. Continue to #watch .More shit in store. #BlackCancer https://www.instagram.com/p/B2cI5QXh2BD/?igshid=1iil9d5ywr84t