#finnbio

THIS IS YOUR GAME

Name: Finn Cross Age: Nineteen Class Year: Freshman Position: Vixen Hometown: Kingsport, Tennessee

THIS IS YOUR MOMENT

TW: graphic injury, neglect/abuse, starvation mention, death mention, ableism

The dreams he spent years achieving weren’t his. Finn was never meant to experience cheer routines and competitions. Never meant to feel the weight of a trophy in his hands or see his name in the local papers. He couldn’t remember the last time he did anything that wasn’t related to cheerleading in some shape or form. He wasn’t living. He was lived vicariously through. And while he didn’t exactly agree with the terms, it was a small price to pay for the damage he caused.

Growing up, Finn believed his older sister Gwen was a superhero. She seemed to exist solely in her cheerleading uniform, performing daredevil feats as she charmed audiences with her smile. Their parents favored her talent and made a point to drag eight-year-old Finn to each of her middle school halftime shows. He watched in awe as Gwen earned one cheer award after the other; it didn’t take long for him to memorize their placements in the household trophy case. Gwen also found time to entertain Finn’s adventurous ideas: whatever her brother wanted to do—play in a pillow fort or dress up as a dinosaur—she scoured the house for supplies, waiting patiently for Finn to put them all together before joining him in the land of make-believe. Gwen’s greatest superpower, however, was her mind. She was brilliant, a straight-A student who always pushed herself to the brink for every bit of knowledge she could get her hands on.  

While most twelve-year-olds looked forward to high school, Gwen was already focused on college. She had her heart set on Palmetto State University. Not Rhodes. Not Harvard. But Palmetto State, where cheerleaders were ridiculed for supporting the infamous Foxes, where the orange was loud enough to be heard across the country. Finn never understood the appeal. His sister deserved the best, which the ragtag Foxes certainly weren’t, but he kept that to himself. There was no point in crushing her dreams when she did everything in her power to help him live his. Instead, he helped Gwen collect newspaper articles, magazine clippings, anything involving the South Carolinian university; helped her put up an entire wall’s worth of collage in homage to Palmetto. But in the end, he wound up crushing more than her dreams.

After watching a cartoon involving knights and their valiant deeds, Finn wanted to be a knight himself, if only for a few hours. That used to be a habit of his: he saw something on TV he wanted to be and begged Gwen to bring his vision to reality. The week before he was a firefighter, and the week before that he was an astronaut. Gwen never complained when Finn made her play the enemy. Or when he won every time. She found two long cardboard tubes that could double as swords and the game was on. Every game consisted of Gwen chasing her brother around the house in mock anger, threatening to destroy some imaginary property. When Finn ducked to avoid his sister’s attack and she broke the vase sitting behind him, they were sent outside. It was there, in the backyard, that a giant tree grew. The Cross siblings were always climbing it for one reason or another, and this time was no different. With the cardboard tube between his teeth, Finn climbed as high up as he could and sat there, waiting for his sister to arrive. She did, in that dramatic way she mastered, and the fight continued.

Perhaps it was the change in scenery. Perhaps it was the adrenaline. Whatever it was, it raised the stakes. Put more aggression behind their moves than necessary. Gwen’s cheer training made her too quick for Finn, who was determined to be the hero. He swung and slashed to no avail. It wasn’t until he jabbed the tube into Gwen’s stomach that he threw her off guard. She twisted to retaliate, and Finn attacked her again. Then Gwen lost her balance. The scream Finn heard as his sister slipped from the tree was like nothing he ever heard before. He didn’t want to look down, as if the very refusal would bring her back up to him, but he did. Gwen was crumpled at the base of the tree, wide eyes cast skyward, limbs contorted in positions he never thought he’d see. Fear kept Finn from climbing down as his parents rushed out into the yard. All he could do was watch as they knelt in front of Gwen, sobbing. Soon the paramedics took her away, and he cried. And cried. And cried.

The local news caught wind of what happened faster than Finn thought they would. While they never released any specifics, all of their warnings about the dangers of climbing trees and the importance of parental supervision seemed to make a mockery of him. Somehow people suspected he had something to do with the incident, and Finn had to avoid their stares and speculation. His parents avoided him, too. They “forgot” to feed him and take him to school. They left every room he entered. Turned up the volume of the TV to drown out his wailing. While his parents’ actions were heartbreaking, Finn felt he deserved them. He ripped the family’s star right out of the sky. Killed her—or so he thought. Gwen came crashing back into Finn’s life, now a frail figure in a wheelchair who couldn’t speak or do anything for herself. Her round eyes were cast up at the ceiling, forever frozen in time, a vegetative state no one knew if she would ever wake up from.

The guilt was stifling for Finn; he couldn’t even look at his sister without crying. The thought of running away crossed his mind. However, his parents had plans of their own. They wanted Finn to live out every dream he had taken from Gwen.

For the next decade, Finn trained under Gwen’s former cheer coach to become the cheerleader she used to be and more. As soon as he won a trophy or medal, it was stashed away in Gwen’s trophy case. His academic achievements belonged to Gwen, too. Finn wasn’t allowed to celebrate. Wasn’t allowed to rest before being thrust into a new routine for his cheer squad’s next title. He became a robot built to serve one purpose. At times, Finn wondered what things would be like for him if cheerleading wasn’t at the forefront. What he would’ve turned to instead. Whether he’d be happier in that lifetime as opposed to his current one. He taught himself to set those frustrations aside. Shake off the fatigue. Turn on the charm. Everything he did, he did for Gwen, a debt he could never fulfill. 

SEIZE IT WITH EVERYTHING YOU’VE GOT

Finn took an entire year off after graduating from high school before heading off to college. In that time, his parents decided it was best for them to keep Gwen and Finn’s obligation to her a secret. They lectured him on what to do and what to say. They made him repeat the same lies over and over until they sounded natural enough: I’m an only child. I chose to cheer. I love Palmetto State. College wasn’t a place for fun or to make friends, only a place for him to showcase the skills he’d honed in Gwen’s honor, for his parents to live out a dream they hadn’t wanted to give up. And so Finn applied to Palmetto State. And, when he was accepted, then came the moment he had been training for: tryouts for the Palmetto State Vixens. His parents drove down to the college for the audition, making sure he knew that there would be consequences for failure. Finn had no choice but to vault and tumble, trying to impress the Vixens the same way Gwen impressed him years ago. As soon as he got a spot on the squad, his parents left without saying a word.

Everything Finn does comes from a fear of disappointing his family. With his parents hovering over his every move, he can’t afford to lose sight of the task at hand. However, it’s difficult to do so when there are so many opportunities around him.  Finn wants to explore Palmetto. Dedicate time to finding his niche, finding himself. He buries those feelings under his status as a Vixen. When he’s not in the classroom, Finn’s practicing somewhere on campus, pushing himself to perform bigger and bolder. Despite being an outgoing sort, he struggles to keep things impersonal between himself and the Vixens. He refuses to make attachments of any kind, afraid he’ll reveal too much about his past. For now, Finn keeps his distance, hoping he’s strong enough to carry the pressure placed upon his shoulders.