Into the wild and back again.
My trip to the Scottish Highlands, where I lost my mind and found the truth.
“Scotland exists to challenge you and push you to your limits” – I think they meant physically, but for me the mental challenges were more intense. My ambition when in breath-taking Glencoe, the beautiful jewel of the Scottish Highlands, was to bag my first two Munro’s (Scottish mountain peaks that are over 4k feet), to paddle board across Loch Lomond and to reconnect with myself on the deepest level. Which all happened. And it was exactly how I thought it would be – wonderfully strenuous. I really did have the best time but often the silence became deafening, and the paralysing stillness sent me into both a blissful state and a spiral of self-doubt, fear and anxiety.
“...what greeted me was beyond the words, beyond the rhythm and beyond the poetry of the songs I had chosen.”
The drive into Glencoe was something else. I had of course constructed what I thought was THE BEST ethereal playlist to match the surroundings - but what greeted me was beyond the words, beyond the rhythm and beyond the poetry of the songs I had chosen. The beauty was more than I had anticipated. For the second time in my life, I had been brought to tears by natures beauty. So much so I had to pull over the car… There are no words for the intensity I felt. Maybe it was the long drive or the fatigue of the Loch Lomond paddle boarding, but the feeling was like no other.
On the second day, after spending a wonderful night in a camping pod, I wanted to take on Buachaille Etive Mór – a stunning monument of mother earth. The conditions on the day I went to tackle the magnificent beast were far from perfect, but as a resilient Cumbrian, I wasn’t going to let a light rain put me off.
The mountain towers above a tiny bothy (a lttle house), which has to be the most photographed house in Scotland – something that was instantly pointed out to me when I posted a picture of it on Instagram! To me though, the tiny white house represents a call back to a much simpler way of life. I think we can all learn so much from that. A simpler way is something I aspire towards!
As I made my way past the little house, up the crags and through the boulder fields, the weather became progressively worse. I was in a constant mist of soft rain which seems to come from every direction. Soaked is not even the word that would fully represent how I ended up. Drenched would be better. Saturated would be best. Pretty soon my dream of reaching the summit was dashed as a black cloud descended over the peak. The sound of a helicopter flying around didn’t do much for my confidence either! The first Munro was then lost completely to a blanket of darkness. There was only one thing to do - turn back.
“...It was just me and this little creature on what felt like the whole mountain...”
But before I headed back down, I sat on the rock to assess the route and to pause for a second to fully mourn the loss of not being able to achieve my goal. Which was just enough time for a mountain mouse to appear from under a rock, look at me, and then scuttle back into the earth. It was just me and this little creature on what felt like the whole mountain. I was alone. Completely.
No WIFI, no 3G, not a soul around …it was just me (the mouse) and my own thoughts. A place I didn’t think would be so powerful. Being alone really makes you realise a lot of things. It allows you reassess yourself. It’s like standing in front of a mirror that reveals every dark corner of your being. Every fear you have ever had or anxiety that you have tried to bury, all begin to bubble back up to the surface to face you straight on. Something that is not for the faint hearted but facing them is the only way they can be resolved, however terrifying. So, there I was, with my mountain mouse, in a period of gentle calm on the mountain, facing my demons head on.
One of my demons may surprise you - I am a hopeless romantic. Which is not something that is often considered a demon. I am literally in love with being in love. And I often take this into my everyday life. Although I am a deep thinker and I’m great at reflecting, I fail to see when something isn’t quite right, or indeed when things are incredibly wrong. I like to romanticise life on all levels and think the best of every situation and every thing. If someone tells me something sincerely, I believe it. Which is wonderful, but very much to my own determent. I leave myself open to manipulation, to being used and to ultimately being hurt.
“...I was taken with it, swept from my feet and carried along the river of desire and red flags.”
I recently found myself in a situation with a whirlwind person, they came on strong then left without a word only to returned with the same intense feelings they had shown me before. I was taken with it, swept from my feet and carried along the river of desire and red flags. I let myself be carried off into a situation that I knew would cause me pain in the end, when they would inevitably leave again. Which they did. The worst part - I did this to myself, I had allowed this to happen by not listening to my own intuition. Deep down I knew full well it would end this way but I ignored it.
The distance (physical and mental), stillness, time and the lack of distraction from external sources, allowed me to see things with more clarity. The whirlwind was not real. A hard truth. It was a fabricated illusion that I hooked onto. Sat on the mountain, with the mist of the harsh Scottish Highland weather coming at me, I could for once see the exact realities that were there all along. Realities that I had chosen to ignore and break my own standards and boundaries for. Making decisions and taking actions that are not part of who I am or who I want to be.
From there I made the conscious choice to place myself on a different path with the hope it will root me back into reality and lift the veil that has been clouding my view.
With my sopping wet boots back on the ground, I felt the connection of the scree beneath my feet, crunching as I stood up. I began my decent down the mountain. Back down to face my reality with truth in my heart and with the realisation that whirlwinds will only ever create destruction in their wake.
Forever rising inward, Chelsea x
I’d love you to join me on Instagram where I post pictures and stories of my trips! - @chelsea.plunkett_
