In A Better Spot
I had only done two posts a while back, I needed an outlet--I started it but I guess I was still in my own head trying to figure out my own emotions and feelings and learning how to deal with them. But here I am again, getting back to my roots, writing. I am not big on being on my computer a lot and I may not be super consistent, it is what it is. I am just glad I did start something I could come back to whenever I want. I like when things can be on my terms, the things I can control. Never really realized a had this weird power control thing until after I got married haha I can laugh at myself now, now that I have worked on my own BS. Thankfully I have known my husband for a looong time. We had became friends, and were really cool friends for years, I just really valued him as a person, his views, his though process, mindset--we clicked as homies like that, and I love him for it--and at that time I had love for him as I would for any other close homie. Some people didn't understand that. There were some that really, intentionally kept us away from each other and just allowed us to have an illusion of a friendship because we were allowed to be friends with people that surrounded us but not directly with each other. Such shit. So much jealousy and one big CLUSTER FUCK. Man.... when I say it was a cluster fuck, I really mean it. Everything became so dark.. this is for another time.. but my husband(now) and I had to drift apart. And one day, he was at my apartment, hanging out with a roommate I had at the time.. He showed up to hang with her and ended up with me and never left.
I have had to do lost of soul searching before I could let anyone in.. I was only going to really hurt anyone who got too close--emotionally, nothing else, I am not that crazy haha-- but you see the picture I am painting, or maybe I just feel it because it all happened to me. And while all the heavy shit was going on, it was hard to make sure I didn't start cracking again. There were days I thought I was cracking, but then I started sealing the cracks, I had to. Genuine love was in my life, when you actually feel love... it can help boost you in ways and really push you in ways that you thought you were going to give up on, hell, may have been at the point where I had pretty much given up but that true love feeling really ignites something down deep in your soul. And I thank the universe every day. I don't know where I would've been.
Not here, typing my traumas and everything else away.
Until later..
