I really really wished I had not watched last nights episode of GoT. This was the biggest clusterfuck I have ever witnessed. 

At this point it’s exhausting...as a woman to witness the “Hell has no fury like a woman’s scorn” trope pulled out of “they that must not be named” assess. 

I left GoT after the red wedding. I know it was in the books but that pushed my naive ass over the edge and I didn’t come back until Season 6 and watched it after the premiere. I came into this fandom as a Jon Snow fan and as a Daenerys Targaryen fan separately. I liked their characters and story arcs. I didn’t always agree with their actions but it was logical at the time, situation and for the character. Honestly, I didn’t even think or know about Jonerys until season 7 when they hyped “Fire and Ice meet” and I thought...”Yooooo this would be so dope, use their combined forces to take out the Night King and settle Cersei’s ass too. They both complement each other and listen to the other and fuck if they fall in love and rule it would be the new dawn after the long night..” 

Well, don’t I look like Boo Boo the fucking fool. 

I feel so bamboozled and lied too and I hate that. I had the same irate rage when Joel Schumacher ruined the 89 Batman franchise and don’t even get me started on Justice League Batman. I’m still seething over that. 

And here we are with this clusterfuck...My main issue is the writing...I’m a pessimist by nature and I believe while my heart wanted a meaningful resolution to all the stories and character arcs this shit was horrible. I minored in creative writing when I was in school and had my writing torn apart by a great professor who taught me about continuity and character arcs and development and pushes myself as a writer not to rush stuff because I'm tired of writing but for the intended audience as well because without them you wouldn’t have a job. Good old Professor Reyes wouldve ripped D&D apart over this. 

That being said, it breaks my usually unbreakable heart at what's been done this season to characters that I love. I won’t go into great details because everyone is writing a meta but everyone deserved better. 

That being said...I’m going on a semi-hiatus for a while. I’ll still post and rant about other shit but I need a mental break from GoT. I had to do the same with Harry Potter. Right now I want to write but I just can’t especially if what was leaked happens next Sunday. I’ll probably compartmentalize it like I have with other fandoms and keep it moving but its gonna take time. 

For those readers of my little fics, thank you. I really appreciate it and the comments push me as a writer to DO BETTER. I may be back, I may not but only time will tell and I refuse to put out half ass shit...I have a higher standard than D&D when it comes to my writing. 

I know i kinda fell off these days, and i might still do because i don't reblog other peoples posts, i don't comment nor interact, i just wanted to post stuff on this blog that only belonged to me.

Trying to ignore the little amount of attention is so hard, but maybe i'll find my own audience one day if i keep posting about the things i love, which is my Pokemon AU.

One issue is that this blog is a secondary blog, so every person i follow or like their post comes from my main blog, in which i have nothing on it, and i dont think i can do anything about it, and its so embarrassing.

I don't want to keep venting all the time or overthink about deleting everything and disappearing off the internet, but at some point its the only thing i could think about.

I might try to fix everything, to revive this blog, and keep posting the stupid stuff, no matter if it gets little to no attention, but i also feel like im forced to draw what everyone else draws to get at least some kind of attention.

So, in a few days, i might continue to post on this blog, and also try to fix it of course haha

It will only be about pokemon. ( And OCs, i have a couple of them. That couple is about 100+ :-) )

i heard you were talking shit about me na 'di ba ako nahiya sa mga ginawa mo para sakin'.wow. WOW. ikaw pa may lakas ng loob sabihin yan? sige isa isahin natin ginawa mo for me not complete list sure ako meron ka pang naalala na gusto mo isumbat sakin. una, nililibre mo ako, sige bayaran natin ng pera yan. sunod binibigyan mo ako ng 'gifts', sige ibalik lahat yan. tinulungan mo ako sa mga homework, lagi kang nagaask ng favor sa prof para sakin and the group, alam ko naman na flexing your connections gives you a sense of ego boost kasi you dont have a self that you can stand alone with. most of the homeworks i dont even want you to do, i became so dependent of you which is what i think you wanted. pero i hated what i have become, wala akong motivation mag aral, ayoko na pumasok kasi iaasa ko lang sayo mga gagawin, i said no when you offered me to do homework and i hated that i have to do that just so you wouldnt. i hate that you were so game on doing things for me that is literally detriment for me. thats why i started saying no to you, and you know what happened? modd swings. you got depressed frequently it was so tiring. we go out a lot which i dont like but i dont want to stay with you while youre in a depressive mood. i cant do anything with that, di ko mababalik or mababayaran ng pera pero we didnt ask for it. I didnt ask for it. you always offered. you made it seem like theres no strings attach tapos susumbatan mo ako?

kapal ng mukha mo. why dont you try not offering, wag mo iflex connections mo sa tingin mo may gusto sumama sayo? karamihan ng mga 'friends' mo sa school sumasama lang kasi they can get something from you. That sense of ego boost na nakukuha mo kasi hinahanap ka ng mga tao would disappear kasi if you dont have that you have no means of knowing who you are. you were a wreck nung walang pumapansin sayo kailangan mo pa magdabog para lang may lumingon sayo. you know whats sad? if only you would really want to heal and not make your mental illness your personlity you would really excel. i gave you years of my life supporting you, reassuring you, fucking repressing myself so you wont get mood swings, tinanggap ko lahat ng physical abuse na nakuha ko during that week na halos himatayin na ako tumayo lang ako tapos ikkwento mo na walang hiya ako? bayaran mo lahat ng emotional investment na binigay ko sayo hoping you would get better. ibalik mo yung time na hindi ako traumatized dahil sayo. alam mo yung kwento mo about the people who left you? dati akala ko talaga you were wronged, pero ngayon na naexperience ko to? i had an idea what went wrong. maybe they were just horrible people, maybe they really just dont care. or maybe they were pushed so hard that they dont have any choice but to complete cut you out of their lives, like me. i know youd say "but you said you wouldnt leave me, that you would stay" and i did, didnt i? i stayed when you were having depression episodes, i reassured you multiple times, i always said you did a good job, to take your time. I fucking stayed when you were having a breakdown, when you hurt me physically and left huge bruises that my parents saw. i stayed when i was emotionally drained and i had half the mind to just tell you to kill yourself. i stayed when all i wanted was to leave. but what did you do? you fucking wanted more. you wanted the things you know you couldnt have, threw a tantrum using your mental illness as an excuse and then blame me for how everything went down? how fucking generous of you. HOW FUCKING KIND OF YOU. THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH FOR ALL THE THINGS YOU DID FOR ME. and whats more frustrating is that i really meant it when i said you were one of the first people i told secrets about, my father, my low self esteem, and how im scared of the future because i dont know what i want. i did became more open because of you and i really thank you for that. but becoming more open means growing, and even though i didnt know what i wanted to be that time i know i wanted to grow. i want more. im tired of what i was and where i was at that time. but you dont seem to want to leave that place. i outgrew you and you were hellbent on keeping me there. for what? to reassure you? to make sure that youre still worth something?

when i started this rant i thought i could go on for hours just typing everything calling you out on every single thing, but now that im writing this part. everythign is just suddenly calm. im rereading the parts i wrote and i dont feel anger anymore. maybe it will return maybe not. all i feel for you is pity. that you had the support you need and then you fucked it real bad. then you revert and find people who will comfort you but not encourage you to grow. im sorry youre stuck in that cycle. i really hope you get better. it is still annoying when i hear your voice and see you, if youve noticed i cant even look you in the face the last year we were roommates. i cant even feel the annoyance or anger i felt that time. ive spent enough time on you i think im done. looking back i really was making a lot of morbid jokes and saying i wanted to die and i thought it was just my humor, turns out it was a coping mechanism. now that im in a better place i couldnt even joke that, maybe from time to time but when i find the thought i dont really mean it. i dont actually want to die, i want to live and experience more. i think i do have a morbid sense of humor but i dont need it to be happy. im happy where i am now. i am more sure of myself, i have friends that i have good boundaries with, i am learning to establish my own boundaries, im unlearning the trauma you gave me with a supportive partner, im actually having plans for the future even if im scared and im still unsure if i can do it. im excited to live. im feeling real emotions. i cry a lot now but it feels so good being able to just let it out and let myself regulate properly. i know you will say i dont have a mental illness like you, yeah i dont and im lucky for that. but you cant use that as an excuse because people with mental illness like you were able to live full and happy lives. "but im different" theres a reason why they were able to diagnose mental illnesses, because theres a bunch of people that are the same as you and those people were able to cope. i know its not easy but some of them probably have a worse life than you had. i worked hard to reach where i am today and when i say that i really did. i had a lot of step backs and even thinking id die like that but i kept going. a part of me really wants to grow no matter how painful. and it is very painful. but its about learning and adapting, new experiences are scary pero it opens up new paths to explore.

I’ve decided to quit ranting on Tumblr and I’ve decided to just get all my controversial opinions out of the way now so I can start finally using Tumblr like normal without feeling like I have to walk on eggshells any more.