GUARDIAN (Final Craft)
What am I? Who am I?
"Your name is GUARDIAN. You are a synthetic life form that was created to serve as the final line of defence for the Grand Vault of Lumina Prime.”
Understood. Clarify system parameters.
“You are effectively a solar system that has been condensed into a humanoid form. Your ‘body’ is a higher-dimensional transition zone that separates the bounded subspace containing your power source, armoury, and other equipment from the physical universe.”
Understood. Continue clarification.
“Basically, you’ve got a blue-white supergiant surrounded by a Dyson sphere inside your subspace. That’s where all of your power comes from. And the rest of the solar system? Well, it’s not so much planets and asteroids as it is a series of gigantic rings that contain your processors and weapons. You don’t fire your weapon in physical space so much as you fire them in subspace and then make your ‘body’ permeable, allowing the attacks to transition into physical space.”
Understood. Current orders?
“Well, would you like some ice cream?”
…
“Everybody likes ice cream, and it’s not like we’re going to just lock you inside the vault. You get to hang out with all the cool people - namely, us - whenever you’re not on duty, and since Lumina Prime is maybe the second most fortified location in several universes, you probably won’t ever have to do anything.”
…
“You’re probably wondering why we created you, huh? To tell you the truth, you’re the first of your kind, the next generation of combat synthetic. But you can’t fight all the time. It’s really not good for your mental health, and an insane killer robot with a solar system’s worth of firepower is not good for our physical health. And that’s why you get to hang out with the cool people.”
… you are my creators, correct?
“Yep.”
You are insane.
“Probably. But do you really want to miss out on ice cream?”
Did you give me taste sensors merely so that you could bribe me with ice cream?
“We can neither confirm nor deny anything. There will also be chocolate… and hamsters.”
I accept.
X X X
GUARDIAN gazed out across the oceans of Lumina Prime. It had been more than a century since her initial activation, and she still couldn’t quite get over how… odd her creators had been. Admittedly, she’d had access to files regarding the many, many, many eccentricities of the Dia-Farron, but she hadn’t quite been able to believe them.
After all, what sort of people built a killer robot with a star for a power source and enough firepower to lay waste to entire solar systems?
The answer, when it had occurred to her shortly after her activation, had been surprisingly simple:
The sort of people who knew that the aforementioned killer robot could totally be won over by ice cream, chocolate, and hamsters.
She bit back a chuckle. There was method to their madness. Once she’d gotten over how strange they were, she’d realised quite quickly that the Dia-Farron actually did care. She wasn’t simply a machine to them. She was, in everything but blood, one of their children. Indeed, she’d spent the early years of her life being treated just like one of their children, complete with candy-based bribery, childish scheming and plotting, and even multiple visits to various theme parks. She hadn’t really understood any of it at the time, but now she treasured those memories.
She even made a point of visiting the closest Gary World at least once a decade.
“Are you up here brooding again?”
GUARDIAN turned and managed to keep her expression neutral as one of the Dia-Farron approached on the back of a war hamster. Setting aside the bizarreness of tank-sized hamsters, it was even harder to ignore the fact that the war hamster was using flight armour. It was equal parts utterly adorable and completely mystifying.
Why would such intelligent people ride around using war hamsters with flight armour when they could use something more aerodynamic? As always, the answer was simple:
Because they thought it was cool.
It really was that simple, and GUARDIAN had come to appreciate such simplicity. It was, if not elegant, then very honest, and honesty was such a valuable thing.
“I am not brooding,” GUARDIAN said. “I am merely observing the ocean.”
“Yes,” the Dia-Farron replied, her lips quirking up at the edges. “By brooding.” She sighed melodramatically. “I’ve read the notes on your personality matrix, you know. You’re really quite melancholy when you’re not indulging in ice cream and chocolate.” She reached into the subspace pocket her armour had. “Which is why I came bearing gifts.”
“Of course, you do.” GUARDIAN’s eyes narrowed. “Is there a reason you’re bribing me?”
“Ah, you’ve seen right through me.” The Dia-Farron scratched the back of her head, and her hamster rolled his eyes. “Well, you know, the empress is going to be visiting today, and we might have, maybe, done a few things we shouldn't have. You’re there to make sure she doesn’t murder us all.”
“Oh, she wouldn’t murder you all. You’re family. At best, you’d be banished.”
“She does like to threaten us with banishment, doesn’t she?”
GUARDIAN eyed the bag of chocolate warily before accepting it. “So… what did you guys do this time?”
“You know we have singularity bombs, right?”
“Yes. They’ve been used extensively against certain species of Grimm and other foes that are more resilient to conventional weaponry.”
“Well, we kind of made a bigger one, as in bigger than any we’ve ever built.”
GUARDIAN froze. “How much bigger?”
“Technically,” the Dia-Farron said. “It would be classified as at least an anti-galaxy weapon.”
“At least. At least?” GUARDIAN handed the chocolate back. “No deal. You’re on your own.”
“What?” The Dia-Farron leapt off her hamster and latched onto GUARDIAN. “But we created you? You have to save us from the empress? Have you seen her glare? It’s… it’s legendarily terrifying!” The Dia-Farron shivered. “They say that she is Lightning Farron come to life, that her glare can terrify even bearers of Saviour and Ragnarok. Would you truly leave us to face her alone?”
GUARDIAN made a face. “You do realise that I am technically supposed to be watching over the Grand Vault. As long as the empress doesn’t attack it, I have no real reason to save any of you.”
“That’s cold,” the Dia-Farron said. “Really cold. But how about we make a deal. You don’t have to say or do anything. Just take the weapon we built and put it in your subspace. That way, she won’t know we have it.”
“…” GUARDIAN shook her head. “Not a chance.”
“Fine.” The Dia-Farron continued to cling on. “What if I told you that I am in possession of an authentic Gary-brand souvenir hat from the very first original Gary theme park on Remnant.”
“Impossible,” GUARDIAN said.
“Very possible, and it could be yours if you help us out.”
“You’re asking me to commit treason.”
“It’s only like… mid-level treason. We’ll tell her all about it once we’ve had time to get on her good side a bit more, you know, to balance out the bad stuff with good stuff.”
“… fine. But I want to scan the hat first. I need to confirm its authenticity.”







