Finding Salvation: Chapter 17: Finding What The Point Is
Summary: You are always there to remind Olivia what the point is.
Warnings: Set after S4ep22
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You are watching the clock, counting the minutes until Olivia gets home. She had called you earlier, telling you she had finally wrapped up the case and would be coming back. There had been a heaviness in her voice that immediately told you something was off, so you prepared for her arrival.
There are a variety of bubble bath options waiting on the edge of the tub, her fluffy robe awaits on the bed, and ice cream is stocked in the freezer. You also have a candle burning on the kitchen counter, making the apartment smell like coffee with a hint of vanilla. As a backup, you have a comedy queued on the TV and blankets ready on the couch.
It had been over an hour since she had called, and there was a sinking feeling in your stomach. It was not unusual for her to get called into work after she finished a case, but this felt different. You think about calling her when the front door opens.
The relief is instant until you realise how upset she actually is. Her boots clatter against the wall as she kicks them off. Her jacket thunks to the floor when she misses the hanger, and she swears before she tries to pick it up. When it falls off the hanger the second time, she lets out a shuddering breath that has you getting off the couch.
âLiv?â You ask her as you notice her wiping away tears that roll down her face.
When she notices you standing there, she turns her back towards you. She takes a couple of deep breaths, her shoulders shaking before she can get control. When she finally looks at you, her eyes are rimmed with red. Olivia tries to speak, but more tears come instead. You open your arms, and she falls into them.
She clings to you, her face nuzzling into your neck. Your hand gently card through her hair, and you rock her gently. âItâs okay, itâs okay.â
Her quiet sobs turn into sniffles as she murmurs. âNothing is ever okay.â
You are used to Olivia being distraught after cases, but you have never seen her this lost in her own thoughts. You pull back slightly so that you can grab her gently by the jaw. She allows you to pull her head up, but she doesnât meet your eyes.
âOlivia, tell me what is going on in that beautiful brain of yours,â you say gently. She shakes her head and you tsk. âI want to help, and I canât do that if you wonât let me in.â
She takes a moment before nodding. Her body shakes as she tries to explain what happened. To help her feel more comfortable, you take her hand and lead her over to the couch. You donât give her a choice merely pull her down to sit in your lap. She curls herself around you as you pull a blanket around both of you.
âAlright, you ready to talk now?â You ask softly.
Olivia keeps one hand curled in your shirt as she begins talking. âI got into this job because I wanted to protect victims. I wanted to give them a voice when no one was listening to them.â She sniffles, taking a second before she continues. âNow, even an order of protection puts them more at risk of being stalked by their rapist. I just⊠I donât see a point anymore.â
She lets out a defeated sigh before she starts again. âI went to talk to Elliot.â
âYou went to Elliotâs?â You ask the hurt in your voice unavoidable.
Her face crinkles again, and her hand tightens in your shirt like you might suddenly leave her. You feel the anxiety radiating off her, so you pull her tighter against you.
âI justâŠIâm so worried that one day you are going to get sick of me complaining about my job,â she says with a crack in her voice. âYour job already has so much darkness to it, and then I come home, and I just add more darkness. All I am is dark. I have already lost so much in this job. I donât want it to make me lose you, too. I canât lose you. I canât.â
She starts to cry again, pressing her face into your neck. You lace your fingers through her hair, kissing her forehead. âOh, Olivia. You arenât darkness. You are the light in my day. You are the reason I am excited to come home.â
âI just donât know what to do anymore, Y/N,â Olivia sighs. âIâm selling a little piece of myself every time. Whatâs the point?â
âHey, look at me,â you say gently. You wait until her brown eyes meet yours. âThe point is that you are there to give them a voice, Olivia. In the darkest moments of their life, you are the only person who actually listens to them. You give them hope, Olivia, thatâs the point.â
She lets out a wobbly smile. âHow do you do it?â When you raise your eyebrow, she explains. âYou always know the right thing to say, no matter the situation.â
âI channel my inner Olivia Benson and then say what she would in this situation,â you say, which makes her laugh.
âSmartass.â
âIt made you smile, which is what I was aiming for,â you say, kissing her forehead again. âNow, how do we turn this night around?â
âShower, cuddles, and ice cream?â Olivia asks sheepishly.
âIf that is what my baby wants, that is what my baby gets,â you say, untangling your arms so that she can stand.
When she is back on your feet, she reaches for your hand, and you follow her through the apartment. In the bathroom, you perch on the counter recounting the trials of your day. She listens intently, asking questions when appropriate, and making lighthearted jokes when necessary. You can tell from the way she comes out of the warm water that she feels lighter.
There is a twinkle in her brown eyes and a smile on her lips as she leans in to kiss you. Itâs short and sweet before she wanders to the bedroom to pull on her robe. Once she ties the string around her waist, she turns back to pull you in by the hips.
âYou are the best thing that ever happened to me,â she says softly. âMy finding salvation.â
Your cheeks burn at the admission, and you lean in to kiss her. âMm, I think you have that backwards, my love.â
âWe can argue about it over ice cream,â she winks, heading towards the kitchen.
You are halfway through a movie with empty ice cream containers on the coffee table when Olivia falls asleep. Her head is placed in your lap, and one of her hands is curled in yours. Your fingers gently run through her short hair, watching as her chest rises slowly. You wish you could put into words the way Olivia has saved you, but instead you settle for this moment of peace in this dark world.
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