#filelr

whenever im there practicing she just watches me like a hawk and yells at me for everything EVERYTHING EVEN WHEN I PLAY THE RIGHT THING AND SHE MISREAD IT OR SHE'S LOOKING AT THE WRONG GODDAMN SPOT I STILL JUST GET YELLED AT AND IF I DON'T KNOW A SPOT SHE MAKES ME PLAY IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN NOT EVEN UNTIL I CRY I COULD BE SCREAMING AND THE FUCKING FLOOR COUL D FLOOD AND ALL SHE'D DO IS CALL ME USELESS AND MAKE ME DO IT AGAIN

EVERYTIME I SIT DOWN IT'S FOR LIKE 4 HOURS I CANT STAND THE SIGHT OF THIS GODDAMNED INSTRUMENT AND YOU EXPECT ME TO SIT HERE AND BEHAVE FOR 4 HOURS?????????? MOST PIANO STUDENTS DONT EVEN FUCKING DO THAT, EVEN IF THEY ACTUALLY LIKE THIS SHIT

iTS SO FUCKING STRESSFUL AND I WASTE SO MUCH FUCKING TIME I'D MUCH RATHER DO MY HOMEWORK INSTEAD OF THIS HOMEWORK LOOKS LIKE A CROWN JEWEL COMPARED TO PIANO

and because i'll waste at the very least 2-3 hours at piano tomorrow i need to finish as much homework as i can today i have shit to take care of and i have midterms and i d ONT HAVE ITME FOR THIS I JUST WANT TO STAB MY LEFT HAND I HATE THIS I HATE EVERYTHING SO MUCH

everyday i'm terrified of going into my parents's bedroom because i'm afraid my mom will see me and tell me to go practice i can't stand it i'm paranoid and i'm scared i'm really really scared

i'm so tired of lying to my piano teacher practically every lesson as well

i hate lying to people especially when they haven't actually done anything terrible but for some reason he's under this impression that i love the piano and that i'd miss it if i were ever away so he assigns me a billion pieces like i have the time and plays some for me and asks if i like it aND HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY NO???? BEST CASE SCENARIO HE LOOKS OVER SOME MORE PIECES FOR ME TO CHOOSE FROM BUT EVERYTIME I'LL SAY NO I JUST KNOW IT I CAN'T STAND CLASSICAL MUSIC I HATE IT SO MUCH I HATE IT AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE YEARS AND YEARS OF MALICE AND STRESS HAS JUST BUILT UP INSIDE ME BECAUSE OF THE WAY I'M TREATED AT THE PIANO AND IF I COULD NEVER SEE BOOKS WITH MOZART'S OR BEETHOVEN'S OR BACH'S ETCWHATTHEFUCKEVER'S PIECES EVER AGAIN I'D BE SO DAMN HAPPY

wait no i know the reason why people are deluded into thinking i actually give a shit about piano because whenever anyone asks my mom just answers for them

you know

as to how she WANTS ME TO BE ABOUT PIANO and never how i really feel because i've told her how i really feel and i've told my aunt how i really feel and my mom doesn't care she just doesn't care

and everytime i try to speak up for myself she cuts in and says some shit like "oh no, she doesn't mean it" and who the hell are people going to listen to it's her word against mine it's her history of accomplishments vs my student record i don't even have a high school diploma

it's her money that goes into their pockets

so i guess i've just stopped standing up for myself

for the span of the few weeks before the kickstarter closed i've been raising money by doing commissions for my friends and for people i know from school to donate to the kickstarter

but when i confronted my mom about it she yelled at me and called me a terrible person because why wasn't i donating to an actual charity and why couldn't i raise money for the family because apparently we're having this pre-crisis crisis because job problems and we need the money

yeah well i bet things wouldn't be as bad if you just stopped paying hundreds of dollars every month to force me to face unnecessary misery in my life

and i felt even worse because my friends knew how much it meant to me and some just gave me money and told me to draw them whatever because they just wanted to help and i had to go face them and tell them i didn't donate in the end and some of them were even advertising for me

and whenever i talk about this at school or with classmates i don't think most of them understand that i'm serious when i say i can't stand the piano because it's not really something people usually hear about like "wow what piano FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS LOL" and i guess most people don't view it as a thing that could actually be this distressful and if it is then i'm probably just being a lazy brat like my parents always tell me

i'm serious when i tell them that it causes me grief and misery and that if it burnt down it'd just be the best day of my life i've honestly contemplated about breaking my left hand just so everything would stop stop stop and i still do

i'm probably too chicken to ever do it but if i could just

stop

my stomach really hurts and i don't know why and i'm just sad nowadays and i hate feeling like this like i'm cornered and trapped and insignificant like there's this vortex of depressing feelings slowly pulling me in i really hate feeling like this