#figuringstuffout

I let someone walk all over me our whole friendship and I never even realized it until shit blew up in my face and I saw them for who they really are. I was always a back up option to them, never the one they were actually close to. And when I didn't tell them one little thing even though they left me alone during one of the hardest times of my life THEY'RE the one that gets crazy pissed at me. 

They walked all over me because of me and my fucking big heart. I care too much and I hate it. Even after all the shit they put me through I'm still curious on how they're doing and what's happening in their life (even though they ask for drama all the time and always act like 'oh poor pitiful me, my life sucks yet I won't try to do anything about it' be an adult...). I don't get it. Maybe my mind is still stuck on some of the actual good times we had together? Who knows...Minds are a fucking weird place and I just don't get it. But it is what it is I guess and only time will make the anger and curiosity go away. For now...I just have to deal with it I guess.

I also feel like I need to prove a point to them, show them how great I'm doing and how I don't need their friendship as a crutch. But at the same time I want them to know my pain, know what I went through and let them know how much of a bitch they were to me. But at the same time I know that won't help anything...then why do I still want to have the blow up and yell at them? Maybe because they did that to me and I want to do it back to show FOR ONCE that they cannot walk all over me anymore. That I won't back down. But backing down and not making the situation any worse is what I do I guess. I am the adult in the situation. 

That's who I need to be and that's what I need to focus on.