#fighting blue

now, when i intentionally look through your spotify stuff, now whenever i see the thingd that i so carefully hoarded for you, your pictures your interests, the things that i know you would have loved the thing i would have sent to you, the things i would have asked you an opinion about.

did you lie about not using that accursed music website for months now? who did you post that one statement for?. do you know that i still look afetr you? that i still care that i still check on you? how does it feel? do you never feel regret? do you ever feel the need to reach out? i feel like it should be you. it feels just right. it feels just fair.

like you eventually reached out again for w. im in disbelief at myself. once again. you made me ask this cursed question ONCE AGAIN. why her and not me?! why why why why why. was i never enough? was i always the second choice? have you forgotten the nights have you forgotten the days on which you would confidein me? have you forgotten how many times we listened to each otehr? was i just... too toxic for you?

is your life better now? is your life genuinely better now that im not in it? say no plase. say that you suffer. say that you suffered at least. at least at some point. tell me you had to restrain yourself from reaching out to me because you were trying to prove some sort of point exactly like I AM DOING RIGHT NOW its only fair!! why does it have to be me?? why do i always have to be the one pining and clinging to the past and reaching out to others?? why am i just unable to...

to stop hoping i guess. that someday we'll be forced to interact amicably again. exactly like we did for the school years

dont you feel the corrupting scraping feel, the hunger the need to know about me now? have you ever felt it?

no. youve never done such thing. youve never hungered. not for me. and now. do you have a reason to do it now perhaps? or is it just

am i just gone forever? or just up until i dont lodge myself violently in your life by actively ignoring your presence at a local music festival for which i felt no relief no joy only a splitting headache even though my real love was physically there?

in a way it feels good, too. like oh i have issues now but AT LEAST im not shamelessly pining over a highschool classmate.

oddly enough theres a big gap in 2020. there was a time in which this almost became a fandom blog for good omens. those were nice times on here, almost became pure aesthetic instead of a scrapbook. i like the balance ive reached now.

CJRIST

i have a physical copy of that awful rant and those awful texts

no. ..

"saw" is the correct word.

I didnt "meet" him. I saw him in a crowd. He didnt wave at me. i never saw his eyes. maybe he didnt even see me. i know i had no intention of "meeting" him. Of being seen?

has he felt like this too?

i know he has and now i will never be able to tell him that im sorry it happened and i will never be able to comfor him again and thats the price of being free of the delusion that maybe hed be able to love me if only oh if only.

he meant. so much to me. his ghost looms over me still. i simply have to wonder what happened to him.

im this far away from asking

im so close to actually asking

i cant break the silence i refuse to break the silence and yet now nore than ever that barrier fells ever so thin

i am just so curious

what happened? is he still out there somewhere where? where is he? what happened? where is he? what happened? where is he? what happened?

does he feel like i do still? does he feel like i do? does he?

i nwvwr had him

i never had him

i never

and yet i did have something thatbis now oh so helplessly lost amd i am not done mourning!

will i ever be done mourning, elton john? will i ever be done mourning? will i ever be free of the curiousity?

i think not

i think someday the insanity will take hold of me and i will be the one - as always - to reach out first. and

i will get nothing out of it

i will be underwhelmed and cry

and ill never know again how he felt about it

about what oh about everything

what does he think about bo burnham's "inside"?

has he watched it? had he somebody recomend it to him? has he ever felt a pain in his chest at night thinking about losing me? despite everything? does he ever see the most mundane thing ever and think about me as i do?

i cant help but think of him idly everytime i see a curly man. i am always so afraid he may turn around and look like him. i am so afraid of not being ready when the universe will make us drift against eachother again someday

oh the dread

just.

the dread

i will never be free

i will never be free