writing at home
My story is underway, but I often feel as though I’m making a stop motion animation with the minimal amount of progress I achieve, and whatever I do write is a flimsy representation of the plot I’m trying to carve out. Working on my personal statement isn’t any easier, in fact I find it more difficult because I’ve never really enjoyed explaining why I do things. I just want to do things, and let people grasp some understanding of me through observing my work, like a true ego-centric artist. Honestly though, while their impression of me may be vague, how much closer are they really to knowing who I am by me fictionalizing myself through a document? I guess it does represent me in certain ways, that they may never realize - I am continuously editing it and cutting things out and crying over it, a reflection of how I change my opinion all the time, my emotions are attached and detached to ideas constantly, and I’m incredibly insecure.
Application essays have always been painful to me though. Applying for college was the most stressful time of my life, and was both physically and mentally taxing upon me. Digging into my intentions and translating them into essays that I felt properly represented myself, on my best days, and amplified every possible amazing thing I’d done, felt like constructing the grandest lie over the course of 3 months.
Yet I’m the one voluntarily torturing myself this time, perhaps because of some work-obsessive drug they gave me at RISD. It’s even clearer to me now how much productivity and workaholism is esteemed among artists, but I am grateful for it more often than not. I’m definitely not as busy as when I was in school, but I am urged on to complete something each day. The downside is, when I don’t sense any completion, the days pile up and feel superfluous.
And now, a positive conclusion. I’ve discovered several things about my main character that would only be possible by my constant rereading and rewording. I’ve sent out an early first chapter to a dear friend. As much as I want to apply for grad school this year, I understand that it’s not my only chance; having more experiences beforehand could benefit me. I don’t have to go to school - I simply want to place myself in another crazy environment like RISD to see what I’ll turn into next. So we’ll see.
