#fic stuff?

1. toxic WASTE eo like love confessions buried in the nastiest arguments ever. im sorry i just love mess. similarly, someone saying i love you and being hit with like "no you dont. die" or "i wish i didnt" also eo as the soulmates who should never have met ive blown apart my life for you and eo from every outside view being the two most infuriating people ever (as explained by kathy stabler to barba, and amanda to liv and to elliot). eo who became a swirling black hole that took everyone with them. i think its easier for me to write eo from like other character povs bc i didnt originally watch the eo seasons so theres always an element of like. ghostly entity elliot stabler coloring my perception of him And i find their dynamic really hard to put into words in like. an interesting way. theyre just insane idk

2. the olivia bensonism of right where you left me and her constant fear of being left behind + her pushing people away + single most important person in my life and you just disappeared i have a few different "i cant do this" lines written and this last ep has obviously only made me worse

i also have elliot getting offered a transfer back to rome and in a moment of pure insanity telling liv he'll do whatever she asks him to. and because shes Her she tells him to leave and hes like okay ? and shes like i am obviously lying what is wrong with you.

a lot of sad liv internal monologues about how she misses elliot every moment that shes with him

3. the girls are fightiiing my list of conversations amanda and liv have never had and my ongoing list of out of pocket things liv has said or done to amanda <3 mess ! and a random fight about kim that leads to kissing lol

also a list of random thoughts about liv and amanda when i was first figuring out their dynamic like "real canon compliant rollivia means fighting and miscommunication"

4. amanda taking eo matters into her own hands. she talks to stabler. a lot. and she yells at liv for not making a move after she finds out about the intervention. more on this as it develops.

5. girl. grief and parental trauma ! the mother wound chile ! olivia bensons slight obsessive jealous homoerotic hatred of other women in non professional settings ! this became a note about how she separates everyone she meets into a kathy stabler or a serena benson and uses that to inform her feelings towards them

uhhhh if anyone wants more of any of these lmk?

Alright, so one day, new Padawan-haver Anakin Skywalker screws up something with Ahsoka’s training. Nothing big, but he’s new at this and gets pissed afterwards and yells at her. And then, for good measure, he yells at Obi-Wan, too, b/c obviously this is Obi-Wan’s fault, if he had been a better master, more like Qui-Gon, Anakin would know how to deal with this and would not have messed up, that’s just logic.

And Obi-Wan, conditioned by his sad life, is like, yeah, that sounds pretty legit and he goes to meditate on his myriad personal and professional failures, dying a little more inside and probably wanting a drink.

And perhaps all would have continued as normal, ending with, you know, fire and limb-removal, EXCEPT:

That evening Anakin is visited by the Ghost of Padawans Past, who swishes him away on a journey of personal growth and learning to understand others just a little bit, Anakin.

And from there it can go two ways. Either it straight up follows A Christmas Carol, and Anakin gets swept back in time to see Padawan Obi-Wan and Master Qui-Gon, where he realizes that, holy shit, Qui-Gon was actually not a great master? And if Anakin had been trained by him be probably would have run away and/or gone on a murderous rampage? But Anakin can only watch, fruitlessly, while baby Obi-Wan gets convinced he’s a perpetual failure/not important/etc. 

And then the Ghost of Padawan Present shows up and whisks him back to the Clone Wars, where present Obi-Wan is repressing his own issues to comfort present Ahsoka, who thinks Anakin hates her and is currently developing all kinds of neurosis that will negatively impact her later in life. Anakin is like, shit. Perhaps I have screwed this up, we can stop now, let me off this ride.

But the Ghost of Padawan Future is not done, and takes him to the future, where the Temple is a husk that stinks of death and Anakin is like... are we looking for Ahsoka’s padawan (he can spot a theme when it kidnaps him in the middle of the night) and the Ghost points at the ground, where Ahsoka’s beads are just abandoned, and Anakin has had enough.

And then he wakes up back in his room, with a new view of the world, and things go a lot better for the galaxy as a whole and for his Jedi family in particular.

OR

The Ghost of Padawans Past drops Anakin back in time, with Padawan Obi-Wan and not-great Master Qui-Gon, giving Anakin a more-depth look at Obi-Wan’s early life and all the ways he got seriously screwed up, culminating in Qui-Gon abandoning Obi-Wan (again) and Anakin swooping to his rescue, before returning to possibly slug Qui-Gon across the jaw in a fit of righteous indignation. (The entire event has a very strong effect on young Obi-Wan’s developing view of the world. Having a dashing Force sensitive guy sweep into your life, give you a lot of attention, stand up for you in front of your Master, side with you, and then punch your Master in the face would do that to anyone, much less a hormonal teenager.)

I know I haven't written in awhile and I apologize for that. I'm really, really trying to get back into it, but it's really difficult to focus on one story idea when I get a brand new one to think about practically every day (I'm currently attempting to write over 30 ideas).

BUT

Starting next week I'm going to TRY and update on a regular basis. It's going to be hard since most of my ideas are still in the planning stage and right now I'm mainly focused on maintaining my grades and getting my license (I have finally accepted that I need to start driving b/c I realize how much stress I put on my parents being chauffeured everywhere), but I will definitely try and get back into the writing groove.

Next week I hope to begin with a small Valentine's Day drabble I had planned along with a sneak preview of 2 fics I'm currently working on (an excerpt from one, possibly just some details from the other since I haven't actually written anything for it yet).

Tl;dr: I've been too random with my updates lately and I'm working to fix that. But ya gotta stick with me because it's very hard for me to get back into writing since I've been out of it for so long.