#fic log

Xichen has always been a very calm person. If anyone in this apartment were to be accused of irritability, it would probably be Mingjue.

Xichen has always been the rock. The gentle breeze. The whispering wellspring of soulful kindness.

So Wangji is surprised to sign into their weekly video chat and find Mingjue sitting alone, drinking from the World's Best Booty mug Huaisang convinced Xichen to buy him, watching his boyfriend pace off camera. 

"Hey, Wangji." Mingjue rumbles, staying suspiciously still as he side-eyes the love of his life. "Xichen is having a moment."

 "That monster!" Xichen cries. "That miscreant!"

 Which is a worrying sentiment coming from Xichen, who names the spiders he carries outside.

"Mingjue, swear for me!"

 Mingjue looks directly into the camera.

"Shit."

 "Worse!"

"Babe, did you do your breathing?"

 "Mingjue, I am not being unreasonable. He KNOWS what he's doing."

 "In for a count of eight..."

"He is being terrible on purpose. He means to goad me."

"And he's succeeding."

Wangji frowns. "Mingjue, that is unhelpful."

 Mingjue sighs. "He came home from yoga at 6:30 and lost his shit at me because the neighbor—"

"He is not my neighbor. He is my nemesis."

 Mingjue:

"Xiongzhang," Wangji says, delicately. "You seem unwell."

And then Xichen is leaning into the frame, wild-eyed and flushed. "Wangji, I love you. Get bent."

Wangji: o - o

"The upstairs 'nemesis' stole his parking space." Mingjue explains.

Xichen squints at him. "You're mocking me."

"I would never."

"But you are."

"I love you too much."

"Mingjue, I suck your dick. I know when you're lying."

"Babe, I'm mirroring. If I sound batshit..."

"I am not batshit. He is batshit. He moved his car as soon as I left. Why would he be up at 5 AM, if not to lie in wait?"

 "Well, he has a three-year-old."

"...what?"

"The upstairs nemesis has a three-year-old. A-Yuan."

"How do you know this when I do not know this?"

"He came to the door. Kid held up his fingers and did the 'I'm this many' thing. It was cute."

 "When?"

"When they moved in. He gave me his WeChat, a lollipop, and some earplugs. Said A-Yuan's been having some big feelings about the move, text if any crying gets disruptive." 

"You mentioned literally none of this."

Mingjue smiles, indulgent. "Is this how you want to spend your regularly scheduled sibling bonding?"

And Xichen Frowns until Mingjue surrenders the chair and leaves the room.

All is forgotten until Xichen and Mingjue leave town for a conference or vacation and Wangji comes over after his morning run to feed their hypoallergenic cat.

And finds someone pulling into his brother's usual parking space.

Usually, he would just keep walking.

But the man who steps out, dressed in a cartoonishly oversized sweatshirt with several colorful stains and a penis drawn on it in sharpie, is

 - very attractive - grinning like a crazy person.

"So, you are doing this on purpose." Wangji says, he feels, very diplomatically.

And the sweatshirt bandit jumps at the sound of his voice and spins to face him, mouth open and ready to retort.

Pauses as he looks Wangji over.

 Frowns.

"You're not Coexist guy."

"'Coexist guy'?"

"He's got a Coexist bumper sticker and also some kind of emotional issues that I, as a layperson, am not paid or qualified to diagnose. Which I feel should make him think twice about having a Coexist bumper sticker. Because we're at war."

There is a loaded pause.

 "His husband's pretty cool, though."

Another pause, with more eyeballing.

"You look like him, in that you're hot, but hopefully not crazy?" His speech ticks up at the end, like he's waiting for Wangji to confirm or deny whether pettiness is genetic.

"He is my older brother."

 "Oh..."

"He is usually a very level-headed person. He works as a wellness coach."

"Right."

"And now he is in a war of attrition over a parking space with the upstairs nemesis."

"Wei Wuxian."

"He will be delighted to know."

"You probably hate me."

"I think Mingjue was correct in that both of you are batshit."

"Mingjue was—"

"His boyfriend. They aren't married yet."

"Oh no, dude. He should lock that down. That man was so nice."

"I will tell him." Wangji nods, and catches himself smiling just a little.

Wei Wuxian sighs. "You probably think the biggest shithead. Some kinda parking space assassin."

"Honestly? You don't seem well."

"I'm a single dad with a full-time job and a three-year-old who hates this apartment, and his shoes, and fishie crackers—which were his favorite when I stocked up on them last week."

"So you've been having a difficult time."

"I am at war with your brother, who probably does like three different kinds of yoga and wears linen unironically, over a parking space. I am in crisis."

"...A-Yuan, correct?" Wei Wuxian blinks at him. "Your son. Mingjue mentioned him."

He watches Wuxian soften a little.

"Yeah." The man sighs. "He's the best."

When he's not losing his shit over fishie crackers.

Wangji nods. "Let me feed Baxia, and I will take you both out for pancakes."

Wei Wuxian blinks at him again. "I would like to get to know my brother's esteemed nemesis."

-

A few weeks later, Xichen runs into Wei Wuxian in the mail room, toddler balanced on his hip.

He takes a deep breath and says, "I've been petty. You have a three-year-old and I can walk a few feet farther each morning."

He feels satisfied as the other man brightens, bouncing the child who is exactly as cute as Mingjue claimed.

"I appreciate your sincerity, gege, but you don't have to worry so much. You're probably really sore after class."

Xichen sighs, just a little bit fond.

Wuxian grins, and Xichen is too busy admiring A-Yuan's precious baby giggling to notice the hint of evil in it.

"But then again, so am I these days. I've been parking at your brother's place."

-

[Image Description - A text message exchange between Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian.

Lan Wangji:

Whatever Wuxian prefers.

I will look forward to it.

Please remember to drink water.

Wei Wuxian:

Alas, A-Zhan, I confessed under pain of torture.

Really you can’t blame me.

I tried to resist. 

Lan Wangji:

My brother sent me this.

(An image of cheerios in a spoon, settled into a frowny face.)

‘Dead to me.’

I have scheduled a family dinner for Thursday.

Note: This post will be updated continuously, until the fic ends. So buckle up y’all, it’s gonna be a longass fuckin’ ride!

[Log 1]:  Fic Length

This fic actually wasn’t meant to be this long. Originally, I just planned on having three long chapters, with twenty-one parts. 

But then I got attached to these specific portrayals of Hiruma and Sena, and now I can’t let them go without putting these rat bastards (*affectionate*) under a microscope and giving their trauma an in-depth analysis. 

So uhhhh sorry y’all, now this story is divided into Acts 1 to 4, with (hopefully only) 69 parts for each one. 

4 Acts bcs in Japanese culture, “4″ is the number symbolizing death

And 69 parts each bcs EYYYYY 69 lmaoooo

[Log 2]:  Fic’s Manifestation Properties (part 1)

I think this fic has some powers of manifestation??? Like I know it sounds stupid, but hear me out ok

So when I wrote in Ch.2, part xi. that Hiruma used to get panic attacks, it hit me: “Shit, doesn’t this mean I gotta portray an actual panic attack? I gotta do right by the readers!”

And I was like, “Ah, fuck me in the ass and call me Satan. Even if I’ve read about panic attacks for years, I’ve never actually had any before. So how do I write them?”

And then BAM! At home, I start undergoing even worse domestic abuse and psychological torture from my father. 

BAM! I begin to have actual panic attacks. 

BAM! I start having panic attacks so often, that sometimes, I have as many as three consecutive attacks in an hour. 

At one time, it was so bad at home that my attacks were daily. 

But every night, that’s when my panic attacks hit the hardest. Because my father always came home at night. My attacks would knock me unconscious. Like, really knock me out cold, yo. Because this was the only way my brain could help me cope when my father and I were in the same vicinity.

And when I was in the absolute gutter, I would wake up in the midst of a panic attack. And then, when I realized my father was still inside the house, an attack would knock me out again. I would continue to wake up and get knocked out until I was sure he was gone. 

Past Me, before domestic abuse was bad: “Oh no, how do I write panic attacks? I’ve never had any before!”

Present Me, dead-eyed: “Oh, honey.” 

At least I now have a lotta content on panic attacks, though!!! EYYYY I’m taking my wins where I can get ‘em lmaooo

[Log 3]:  Fic’s Manifestation Properties (part 2)

So I’ve got further proof that this fic has some powers of manifestation

Past Me, panicked: “Oh no! Sena has a cat named Pitt in canon! But I don’t know how to write about cats! My family only owns dogs!”

And then BAM! The neighborhood stray cat gets killed by family’s dogs, leaving one kitten orphaned at my house.

BAM! My sibling and I pity the orphaned kitten so much that we adopt it, and start raising it as the sole house cat. 

BAM! Days later I realize: “Well, I guess I now know how cats behave. Wait — OHMYGOD, I can write about cats now!”

Like I am not saying the neighborhood cat’s death had a use, okay. That’s not what I’m saying. I loved that cat, and I grieved her. I wept for her, especially when her kitten called out for her at night. 

I’m just saying that when I start thinking, “Oh no, how do I write this?” 

Some coincidental shit happens

BONUS: Please don’t worry about the orphaned kitten. I’m taking care of her now! Her name is “King Eris” (because I thought she was male at first. The revelation of my mistake only came to me when, months later, I noticed she had a lack of a dick.) She loves headpats, playing, sunbathing on the roof, sleeping on my lap, torture, and murder. (The last two parts are about cockroaches. She plays with them in such a gruesome manner that the poor insects’ deaths are slow and painful.)

[Log 4]:  Literary Works that Inspired the Fic’s Creation: AFTG series

This fic is based on Nora Sakavic’s trilogy, “All For The Game” series. 

It’s a GAY novel series about sports, mafia, and a shitton of childhood trauma. 

It’s really worth the read if you love soul-crushing trauma from different kinds of childhood abuse, and the hope that stems from surviving your circumstances, and choosing each day to continue living anyway. 

This book is my go-to for references on school sports, sports training, healing, and a fuckton of traumatized, lovable kids. 

Because in this fic, that’s what Hiruma and Sena are, essentially: traumatized, lovable kids.

Sena’s mother Mihae is loosely based on one of AFTG’s badass characters: Renee Walker. 

The “Yes or No” moments of consent between Hiruma and Sena are actually inspired by the main couple in the AFTG series, Neil Josten and Andrew Minyard. 

[Log 5]:  Literary Works that Inspired the Fic’s Creation: TLT series

This fic is also based on Tamsyn Muir’s tetralogy, “The Locked Tomb” series. 

It’s about lesbian necromancers in space. It’s got a lot of religious symbolism (Christian), and it sometimes borders on the blasphemic, which I love. After all, my fic’s got a lotta blasphemy in it.

There is SO MUCH love and devotion in The Locked Tomb series, which is why I use it as a reference. 

The fic is, after all, tagged as “Homoerotic Devotion” (or at least, in AO3. In FF.Net, I have no such luck.) There are wholeass bucketloads of devotion in The Locked Tomb, and a lot of them are sure as hell homoerotic. 

[Log 6]:  Literary Works that Inspired the Fic’s Creation: TGCF series smut fics

I’ll be honest, y’all. This fic would not have existed if not for the smuttiest fics out there, about a god being reverently fucked by his worshipper. 

Let’s give a round of applause for the smut fics of Mò Xiāng Tóng Xiù’s webnovel series, “Heaven Official’s Blessing!”

Heaven Official’s Blessing is also called, “Tian Guan Ci Fu,” or  [天官赐福]. The English fandom just calls it “TGCF” for short.

Lemme quote someone for a quick second here, to summarize the story. 

“At its core, TGCF is a story about a fallen god and his last believer; it's a story about devotion, love, loss, longing, fate and destiny, and the meaning of ‘forever’ and ‘to believe'. sure, there are other things: friendship, loyalty, the price of power etc.”

So like, taking the love and devotion of the main couple, and put it in an equation where you add a very creative fandom. BAM! The result is a myriad of smut fics full of praise kinks, god kinks, and body worship. 

Of course, a lot of TGCF fics are inspired by Hozier’s songs as well.

So like, it got me thinking: “Damn, HiruSena doesn’t have that.”

And then my thought process gradually shifted to, “Well, why can’t the HiruSena fandom have that? I guess if I wanna see that shit, then I gotta make it.”

And thus, with the vision in mind of a HiruSena story, inspired by Hozier, homoerotic devotion, and a lotta god-worshipper dynamic going on, this fic was born.

[Log 7]:  Hozier Song Lyrics

One of the recent trends in the fandoms I’ve traversed so far is this: Fics inspired by Hozier lyrics.

Lemme quote a review of Hozier’s music for a hot second, ok

“Each of [Hozier’s] songs are modern versions of traditional folklore that contain stories of love, tragedy, and hope, while also conveying strong political messages. Hozier has a way of delineating life's problems and purpose with beautiful poetry and turning it into songs that resonate with a piece of our soul.”

Like, Hozier’s lyrics are good. Like, really well-written. Even if you’re not a fan of his music—which I genuinely respect, don’t worry—you’ll find that when you read the lyrics of his songs, they really are “chef’s kiss” kinda good. 

Hozier's such a good fit for HiruSena, considering the ongoing Devil theme that Hiruma's trying to portray. Since Hozier songs have a common theme of devotion in them, it makes us all wonder: "What if it's the guy called The Devil who shows devotion in another?" There's so much to explore in that! 

How can a person as broken as The Devil, love someone who is just as broken? How can these two people find heaven in each other? There's so much symbolism, so much potential!

So it kinda got me stumped that I didn’t see any English HiruSena fics with Hozier songs in them. I told my sibling, and they just stared at me and asked, “Well, why don’t you write one, then?”

And BAM! Here we are. 

I hope that somewhere out there, more HiruSena Hozier fics exist. Even if they’re not in English, just knowing they exist would be absolutely lovely. 

And I suppose, if no other HiruSena Hozier fics have been written before this one, then I hope this fic inspires other writers to make more. 

[Log 8]:  Questions

This fic explores the following questions:

"What if it's the guy called The Devil who shows devotion in another?"

"How will Hiruma act when he's being tender with someone?"

"What if Hiruma knows jackshit about romance? What if he's just as awkward, or possibly even more awkward than Sena when he bares his true vulnerable self?"

“Why was Kurita so insistent on playing Amefuto, even back in middle school?”

[Answered in CH. 1]: “Why would Sena join a team when Hiruma recruited him through underhanded means?”

“Why does Hiruma act like an asshole all the time, when it seems as if there's no reason to do so?”

"What does it take for Mamori to go apeshit?"

"Will Sena use the knife his godmother Yoshiko gave him? What is his breaking point? Will the knife remain unused forever? What is the one thing that will drive Sena over the edge?"

Y’all can disregard this particular log tbh. I just put it here so I can keep track of all the questions I want the fic to answer. 

Also LMAO, me saying, “This fic explores the following questions,” as if it’s a goddamn thesis hhhhhh

[Log 9]:  Dedication

I honestly hope that I can reach out to people with similar trauma thru this fic. 

One of the things that helped me persevere through my hardships was: "Character A got through this! Maybe I can too!" And that's what I'm trying to do to in this fic too. 

Whether HiruSena romance scenes dominate, or whether the Hozier lyrics or the memes are more memorable, the true core of this fic is trauma.

This fic is for everyone out there who survived abuse, the people who hold wreckages inside their chests instead of hearts. 

This fic is for the people who clung to Sena's character and loved him, purely because they too were getting bullied. 

This fic is for the people who flinch, for the people who wished they were as powerful as Canon Hiruma. 

This fic is for the people who wake up, and have to talk themselves into getting up from bed each day, instead of giving up. 

This fic is for each and every warrior out there, who has to live normally even after the world did its best to break them.

This fic is for all you survivors out there. 

[Log 10]:  Hiruma crying in Chapter 2

So like, on one hand, I’m glad Hiruma’s released all his years of pent-up grief through crying. Because keeping that all inside is unhealthy and damaging

And it’s actually quite heartbreaking that the thing that actually does manage to set him off is a video of his mother cradling him close to her, when he was but an infant 

But like

Let’s be real with each other for a hot second, okay

Hiruma just fucking cried to the “I want to see my little boy! Here he comes!” vine LMAOOOO

[Log 11]:  The Backstory & Trauma of Kobayakawa Shuuma (Sena’s Dad)

Shuuma’s trauma is actually based on my own trauma, or one aspect of it at least

And that’s trauma caused by having a verbally and emotionally abusive mother.

So don’t worry about the accuracy of trauma representation here, bros, bcs some parts are based on a trueass story.