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Shitty roomate
So I have possibly the worst roomate of all time. Here is an exact quote "art school is a dead end life choice" the shit head works at a salad shop. He wants to be a comedian but says he can't do that here because people are only discoverd in new York. He won't even practice or go to comedy clubs. The motherfucker then has the gaul to ask me to find a girlfriend for him. AAHHHHH I AM RAGE INCARNATE!!!
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:(
I'm sooo upset, and the worse part is, I have no one to actually talk to because I'm upset at a situation I've increasingly been allowing to happen. My roommate has taken over the room, almost all of it. My things are pushed in my desk, pushed into the corner and the underneath of our bed isn't even free because she not only took all the floor space but also the space under my bed of our bunk beds... She moves my stuff, doesn't consider my feelings and the worst part? I can't even speak. When she's in the room long enough for me to try talking, a huge bubble of anxiety grabs at my chest and pulls me into an ocean of uncertainty. I smile and wait and allow myself to be pushed to the side and I silently watch myself do it. Anxiety controls me. It takes my instincts and shuts them all down. The response I get from friends is to talk to her. To communicate, but communication feels like I may have to take a branding iron to my chest and carve into my lungs to get all the necessary air out. How can speaking be so difficult? Making a statement feel so terribly foreign? Oh my god this is such a long post and you all don't need my incessant rambling but my god it feels great to be able to spread what I'm feeling out there. No hate/spam please. This is simply a personal rant gone longer than it was intended. I will most likely delete this later, but thanks tumbler for allowing me the space to be free, if only for a little while.
Here's the thing.
I don't know if it was love. All I know is...I needed someone and he was there. I know I tried though, with all of me. But this feels like the right thing to do. It's not even the end, at least I hope it's not. I can feel the sun shining a little brighter today. I feel the hope and possibilities of tomorrow a little more. It's scary af, don't get me wrong. Also I know how messy, scary and intimidating the future is...but I also know that there's something breathtakingly amazing waiting for me there. I just know it. There's this part of me that's happy about what happened. Let's call him...purple. Purple was different from...Red. Because Red was completely different. That was redundant. But I had to emphasize. Red and I were...I don't what we were, I don't know if we were real at all. I don't know cause it felt like a joke...as much as I remember the good bits. All I remember from us was the pain of the aftermath. Doesn't sting as much anymore but Red is definitely not the best memory I could have.
Purple however, he showed me love. He showed me unconditional, relentless, full of joy and fire love. As much as love could be in one form or another. He was there when I felt like I was drowning...half dead. He was kind of what kept me going when Red left without a word. But Purple wasn't perfect, he still has a long way to go...quite the opposite of Red actually who in my eyes, was perfect. So now even I question myself, did I actually love Red? If I did, is it because of him, or is it because he was perfect to me? I don't know. I don't exactly understand this term love anymore. I know it's to do with God. But then if it is, what did I feel with Purple...was it not real? Too young, too fragile, too unknowing to understand love perhaps but even I know that love...you only truly understand it when you witness it. So does that mean...I've never truly witnessed it? I don't know.
But tomorrow excites me again, I'd have to thank a series of fortunate events that happened to me to get to where I am now. But even then, I know my journey isn't over yet. I still have a long way to go. I'm still trying to understand myself too. I'm torn between different sides of me. Before I used to think how much I wanna be my old self again. But now I feel like I've grown so much - experienced so much to go back to my old self. I know there must be a better version of me. I just need to get to her.
I know where I need to start. I know that I need to start by getting rid of baggages in my life, of things that are toxic to me and to overcome my anxiety of trying new things. By baggages I meant literally and metaphorically. Like, my things...I need to find a way to sell these things or give them to charity or something. by metaphorically I guess I mean the people, friends, guys that I have in my life. I'm in a season of thankfulness and forgiveness so I guess that coincides. To forgive, forget and let go. To be thankful it happened and not regretful. My sister said something pretty cool the other day about how you become the people you surround yourself with. I think that's so profound. I've been surrounding myself with really toxic and negative things right now...it won't be an easy change but I think I just need to get away from that. Change is never easy. But I know that if I try a new thing everyday, I'll overcome my anxiety over it.
Maybe I'm not all sunshine and rainbows and carefree laughter anymore. But I'm still daisies and pink and laughter so...maybe I'm just maturing. Growing up I think they call it. It's tough when you're constantly reminded of your past. But...those are the simple things you have to overcome to grow. This summer is going to be different I guess. I don't know how but it will be. Too much inevitable change happening for it to not be. It's frightening and exciting all at once. And that's not a bad thing, not at all.
