#feeling frozen

Todrick’s shrieking voice snaps her away from the Frozen playback in her mind and back into the dark confines of her living room and her reality.  She hadn’t even realized he was ranting again.  

“Honestly,” she responds sheepishly and he shakes his head.  

“You realize that a couple months ago, I sat across from you at some restaurant in New York that I don’t even remember now and I gave you some pretty accurate advice.  Advice, may I add, that you took.”

She dips her chin.  “I do realize that.”

“And yeah, I may not have the most amazing track record in the world when it comes to love but trust me darling; I know what the hell I’m talking about.”

Her chin dips again.  “I have no doubt that you do.”

He throws his hands into the air dramatically causing Olivia to jump up and scurry away and Taylor to laugh when he tosses a “sorry about that Liv” back in her direction before he again places his firm gaze on her.

“Two months ago, you were vacant and broken and as much as you wanted to believe that Tom Hiddleston was filling the void you were missing, he absolutely wasn’t.  I told you that.  I told you Mr. Eloquent and Debonair Englishman wasn’t the one, no matter how big his Hiddlesconda was.”  

She shakes her head, a subtle laugh escaping her lips.  She remembers the conversation he is alluding to all too well.  He had told her in not so subtle terms that it was time to stop using sex as a bandaid and to stop trying to be an actress because her performance was straight to Netflix worthy at best.  At least to those who really get to see you he had tacked on when she had opened her mouth to argue.

“And here we are again, you sitting there vacant and broken and me trying to talk some sense into your crazy ass.  But for totally different reasons.”

Yes, she knows that too. Completely.  Utterly.  Totally. And in excruciating detail.  Because he is right, she is vacant and broken. But this time it’s not because she had erroneously covered the pain she was feeling with romps in the sack, whirlwind trips around the world and a one sided romance that she still feels bad about. This time her vacancy and brokenness is pretty much the opposite.  

Because instead of throwing her heart out like she misguidedly did with Tom, she has kept it hidden and off limits.  And now her attempt at being cautious is tearing her apart.  Which she also, absolutely foolishly, won’t admit to.  

She hears Todrick take a long, deep breath.  “You realize that it’s ok to be scared?  No one blames you for being scared.  I don’t even think there is an accurate word to describe how fucked up your world has been over the past few months.  But this isn’t you.  You are someone who loves with your whole heart, even when it’s misguided and blind. You are someone who doesn’t shy away from or back down from love.  And you sure as hell are more than a woman sleeping with a guy just to sleep with a guy.”

And there it is.  The entire reason for Todrick’s melodramatic monologue.  The sole reason he trudged into her house and onto her couch, complete with notes, complicated words and detailed examples.  

“So you’ve handed your heart to the wrong men in the past.  We all have.  I’m pretty sure that I’ve tossed mine like a damn football to every possible asshole in the United States.  That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop tossing because one day, one of those idiots is going to realize what an amazingly spectacular catch I am and they are going to score.” She glares at him, shaking her head and he puts his hands up in front of him.  “Ok, I know, very bad analogy.  But damn girl, you get what I’m saying.”

He’s shaking in his seat. Literally bouncing up and down in either excitement or frustration, she’s not sure at this point but she’s leaning toward the latter.  She knows he’s completely annoyed at her.  At her utter lack of pretty much any words during his speech, at her inability to vocalize her desire for Joe to be more than the guy she has sex with, at the fact that she knows what she has figuratively standing right in front of her but she’s too damn scared to admit it.  At least outwardly since she’s sure as hell admitted it inwardly more times than she can even count.

“Taylor, talk to me,” Todrick pleads, hands back in the air.  

She keeps her eyes on him, her trusted and honest friend.  She loves that he is candid with her, that he pushes her, even at times when she really doesn’t love it.  Like now. Like this.  But more than anything, she loves how he connects with her and reads her.  He knows exactly what’s going on in her screwed up mind without her having to utter a syllable . . . . and both fortunately and unfortunately, he knows what buttons to push to get through to her.

And those are exactly the ones he’s been pushing since the moment he arrived and plopped down on her couch.

“It’s not easy Todrick,” she sighs.

He replies with a smile and a headshake.  “Nothing is.”

She realizes, and likely has for some time, that she is not going to be able to continue her vow of almost silence with her pal.  So she sighs again and then slings her head back against the chair, crossing her arms on her chest as she all but succumbs to Todrick’s pressuring words.

“I messed up so much before. I didn’t date for two years before Adam. Two years,” she emphasizes to the ceiling.  “And then boom, he’s there and I’m wrapped up and I’m falling so fast and so hard and it’s perfect and beautiful and sweet.  And then another boom . . . brick wall.”  She stops, her voice suddenly hitting a brick wall as she thinks back over the time in question and over the actions of the man she had once thought she would marry.

Across the room, she hears Todrick softly clear his throat.  “Go on.”

“It was so hard coming to terms with the fact that Adam was never going to be the Adam I first met ever again.  He wasn’t going to suddenly sweep me off my feet and make me fall in love with him like he did in the beginning.  But even harder than that was coming to terms with the realization that my name being Taylor Swift is the reason he couldn’t love me anymore.”

“Taylor,” Todrick says, prompting her to slide her head to the side and move her gaze to him, “some men were not designed to be able to handle strong and successful women.  And that man is evidence of that.  Do not fret on what Mr. Ego gave up.  Consider yourself lucky that he did.”

She nods, her head still against the back of the chair. “I know.  I thank my blessings daily that I finally wised up and was able to get away. But it still doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt that he turned on me.  Not to mention that I don’t thank my blessings daily for how I got away.”

Todrick leans forward, slapping his hands onto his knees and causing a loud echo to bounce off the walls of her home.  “So, we are not even going to talk about Mr. Hiddleston today.  We’ve already done that.  We’ve previously established what he was and what he wasn’t.  And we’ve already hashed and rehashed the mistakes you made with him.”

“Exactly. Mistakes.  Mistakes that I didn’t realize at the time I was making.”  

She sits up then, scooting her rear back into the chair and once again planting her arms across her chest. She’s acutely aware that she likely looks like a pouting schoolgirl but she does it anyway.  Somehow with the lecture she’s been getting, it seems appropriate.

“Ok Swifty, if you want to focus on the potential of you making more mistakes, let’s do that.  Because you are making a big mistake by being so careful not to make mistakes with Joe.  That man is not Adam whatever his last name really is or Tom Hiddleston.  You have been crazy standoffish and held him at arm’s length for long enough.  Are you not tired of fighting this?  Let. Him.  In.  And don’t say you don’t want to because I know you do.  I’d be worried about you if you didn’t.”

“You should be worried about him turning into Hans if I do.”

She watches the look of confusion etch across Todrick’s face followed quickly by a look of amusement. “Hans?  Are you talking about Hans from Frozen?”

She nods forcefully. “Yes, yes I am.”

Todrick’s howling laugh bellows through the room, smacking against walls and slamming into windows. Even when he’s done, it’s still there pinging in her ears.  “He is kinda handsome like Hans I guess.”

“You are missing the point entirely.  Hans turned out to be Prince Not Charming.”  

“And Anna was a bit crazy and neurotic and pushy and sang songs about snowmen.  And, let’s point out, that she was fickle.”

Taylor snaps her finger before pointing it at her friend.  “Exactly.”  And then back to her chest.  “Anna.”

She can’t help but smile when she sees Todrick lower his head, placing his fingers on his temples and rubbing.  “Dear Jesus this is not where I was expecting this conversation to go.  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that we are veering into Disney fairytales since, well, it’s you but still . . . .”  He raises his head to look at her again.  “So let me see . . . you are saying that you expect Joe to turn into a pumpkin or something if you decide to actually tell him what you truly already feel about him.”

“Wrong fairytale and another strange analogy but . . . . well.”  She places her hands palms up in front of her.  

Todrick shakes his head again, another smile emerging on his lips.  “You know he isn’t.  Part of me thinks that is what really scares you.  That you know how amazing he is and how perfect he is for you.”

She lowers her head then, letting his words sink in.  With a toss of her shoulder, she relents.  “Maybe.”

“So because you’ve kissed a few frogs in the past, you’re going to not allow yourself to have something that could be magical?”

She shrugs again. “Could is a scary word.”

This time its Todrick’s turn to shrug and nod.  “Yes it is. But could have been is scarier. And you know that.”  

Taylor bites at her bottom lip, lowering her eyes as she considers his words.  She knows they are true.  Every syllable of them.  And she knows he is right.  Because right now, she is smack dab in the middle of being terrified of the fairytale prince she’s subconsciously painted Joe to be in her head turning out to be a villain at the same time she is terrified that he is absolutely as perfect as she believes he is and she will do something to mess it up.  

“Do you want him to just be someone you sleep with?”

She shakes her head. “No.”

“Then why don’t you tell me how you feel about him so you can practice telling him how you feel? And in more than one or two words since that’s pretty much what you’ve given me since I got here.”

Todrick’s voice is calm now. Not nearly as animated or dramatic as it was earlier and laced with pure concern and support.  She pulls her eyes to his and smiles faintly.

“What do you want me to say . . . . that he’s perfect, and amazing and he makes me want to believe in love again even when I’m completely frightened.  That my heart keeps telling me that I was meant to meet him, that I’m supposed to love him, that I absolutely do love him.”  She takes a sharp breath, rubbing her hand down her weary face before she allows the words that have been so heavy on her heart to finally flow from her lips.  “That I love that he challenges me but also that he doesn’t judge me and that he isn’t pushing me . . . that he’s waiting on me and accepting that I’m a crazy mess and I love that he hasn’t ran even when I’ve pretty much told him to run and gave him just about every reason to do so.”

“So tell him that.”  She raises her head slightly to meet Todrick’s gaze and she watches as his smile increases.  “Didn’t Anna end up with the right guy in the end anyway?”

She laughs softly. “Kristoff.”

“Awww Kristoff,” he singsongs, “just when Anna thought her fairytale romance was done, the real Prince Charming emerged.”

Shaking her head, she bites again at her lip.  “I should have never sung Little Mermaid songs with you and let you know about my Disney fascination.”

“Everyone wants a Prince Charming, Taylor, myself included.  So don’t fucking throw yours away just because you let an Egotistical Hans who wanted your kingdom and a Marvel villain who wanted your soul taint your idea of love.”

Titling her head to the side, she grins.  “That might be a little harsh saying Tom wanted my soul.”

“Whatever,” he says with hands thrown up, “it sounded good and you know what I’m saying.  Tell him.  Tell the boy.  Oh.” Todrick perks up in his seat, his eyes wide.   “You got to . . . . . tell the boy.”  

Her eyes fall closed, knowing what he’s doing.  Knowing that he’s making up his own lyrics to Kiss the Girl and he’s about to start bellowing them out.  But alas, she is saved by the ring of her phone.

She grabs at it, smiling instantly when she sees Joe’s name on the incoming facetime call and clicking to answer just about the time that Todrick plops down beside of her, squeezing himself into the small sliver of space left in her chair.

“Hi Joseph,” he sings before she can even say hello, “fancy you should call now because we were just talking about you.”

“You were,” Joe says on the screen, raising his eyebrow and grinning.  She can feel the flutter in her heart as she watches him.  The butterflies taking flight and swimming about.

“We were.  And singing about you too,” Todrick adds just before Taylor plants her hands on the side of his face and pushes.  

“Todrick was just leaving, weren’t you?”  She glares at him, nodding her head with widened eyes.  

He smiles knowingly, nodding as he jets his head back into the camera space and looks at Joe on the screen.  “I was. But it’s always good seeing you Joe. I’m still waiting on you to find me a strapping and handsome Brit.”

“I’m still looking,” Joe interjects, laughing.

Taylor pushes Todrick again, this time giggling as he rises up and steps away from the chair she is in.

“Kristoff, Taylor, Kristoff,” Todrick croons as he gathers his jacket and phone and starts heading toward the door with Taylor watching him.  

“What was that all about?”

Joe’s voice brings her eyes back to the phone screen and she scrambles for words.  “He’s watched Frozen too many times.  He thinks you look like Kristoff.”

She watches his eyes narrow in confusion but his expression is purely amused.  “Ok . . . . So you were talking about me?”

She waits a few seconds before she nods.  “Yes.”

“Can I ask about what,” he says softly, his gentle blue eyes so delicate on her.  

She watches them briefly, allowing her mind to roam back over Todrick’s words, over her own and then to the way her heart is feeling at this very moment.  To the way it is beating wildly, fluttering and skipping.  All due to the man whose face lights up her phone screen.

She takes a deep breath and smiles before tilting her head to the side.

“Todrick wanted me to realize that sometimes in the middle of a not so ordinary life, love smacks you in the face and says wake up.”  When his eyes narrow once more she smiles and takes the first breath of her new existence with him.  “I’m awake now.  And there are some things I need to tell you . . . .”

As she speaks, finally saying words like need and want and love to him, she thinks to herself that she was right after all.  Fairytales are simply fairytales and Prince Charming’s don’t really exist.  

And when she asks him with bated breath if he wants her too and if he’s willing to build on what they have behind a veil of privacy and protection and his brilliant smile provides her his answer, she solidifies that thought in her head.  

She has waited far too long and too foolishly for love to give her a fairytale when all she really wants is what he’s all too willing to give her.  An ordinary life with an extraordinary love.

Later, she’ll thank Todrick for his epic monologue and forced awakening while queuing Frozen up on her iPad to watch on her long flight to her new life.  And when he laughs and says he will take a small bit of credit for unthawing her frozen heart, she thinks of Joe and what she’s silently felt for him for so long.

Her heart was never frozen.   It was simply hidden.

But he had consistently kept it warm as he patiently waited for her to reveal it.  

He’s the strong and solid Kristoff to her flighty and messy Anna.