#fedij 18

If possible, there are even more YouTubers now. Phil looks out past the stage curtain at the bright lights and the jerky undulation of colourful flags in the audience and swallows heavily.

"Hey," Dan says beside him, "You don't have to."

"I do," Phil says, "I'm on the bill."

Dan slips a hand into Phil's in the dark shadow of the curtains and squeezes gently. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to."

"I just… what if they ask about you?"

Dan shrugs. "They might."

Dan looks a bit hesitant, like his decision not to join Phil on the panel might have been wrong after all.

On stage, Tyler Oakley is talking at volume about Pride and YouTube and asking the crowd of viewers and other YouTubers if they're ready to hear from some out-and-proud creators.

Phil had made the video two months. Dan standing off to the side of the camera smiling at him encouragingly. He'd talked about his anxiety and the effect that it had on him, he talked about being queer and how that all came full circle in his head sometimes. He told people that if they felt the same they should find someone to talk to, someone they trusted. That they were normal, that they didn't need to be fixed. His eyes had flicked up to meet Dan's soft gaze and he hadn't edited out the smile that tugged at his mouth.

Dan hadn't been part of it. He'd have been happy to, he said, but just like when Phil had got the invitation to appear on a Q&A panel about lgbt+ YouTubers and how they expressed Pride on their channels, he'd been supportive of Phil doing it alone. He agreed that it was important for Phil to face his demons, but he'd reassured Phil that he'd be there anyway, always cheering him on. From behind camera, from the wings of a stage.

"What do I say?" Phil says.

Phil is here because he's only recently come out. He doesn't have a back catalogue of being out in the way the other people on the panel do so he can offer a view on what his plans might be going forward. But he doesn't know what they are, this isn't part of his 'brand' it's just… part of him. One he doesn't want to hide anymore.

He can have Pride and be quiet about it, right?

He remembers back when he and Dan had finally sorted things out. Standing in the radio station and telling Dan he'd always want to hide. That he'd never want to… do anything like this.

Somewhere over the past two years something has shifted. It has nothing to do with people on Twitter or feeling like he owes his personal life to anyone, Dan would never let him think that. But he does feel like he wants to let some of his guard down, live a little bit more freely.

It's his truth, his life, and he wants to be a bit proud of it. Proud of Dan and his constant support, his selflessness each and every day. Even on the bad days.

"You say whatever you want to," Dan says, squeezing his hand again.

"About you?"

Dan looks over at him, tugging on Phil's palm to get him to turn too.

"We've talked about this," he says, "you know how I feel."

"I know. I… I'm sorry. I don't know if…"

"Phil. I mean it. You can say whatever <i>you</i> want to." Dan runs his over hand lightly down Phil's arm, fingers trailing. "I'm happy if you don't want to tell anyone about us, I'm happy if you want to get up on that table and shout about it to everyone in the room. I've told you… we'll take this at your pace."

Phil shakes his head, marvelling at Dan. He sucks in breath, stealing himself, and darts forward to capture Dan's mouth in a brief kiss. It's fleeting, lasting only a second or two, but it's new. They don't usually do that in spaces like this.

Dan looks a bit startled as he pulls back, but the dimple in his cheek dips in with a small smile and Phil can see he's trying to hold it together, not react too wildly for fear of scaring Phil off.

Then Tyler is calling his name from the stage and it's time to go.

"Good luck," Dan says. "I'm proud of you.I love you."

Phil finally pulls away, Dan dropping his hands back to his side with an encouraging nod.

Dan hates all of his shirts. More than it just being that he hates how they look, he also hates the fact that they aren't where he'd put them.

He has his bag open on the bed and so far he's got clean underwear and his washbag but fuck if he can find anything he actually wants to wear today, let alone anything he needs to pack.

He picks his phone up from where it's been flung under a fold in his messy duvet and looks at the time. Shit. He has approximately ten minutes before he has to the leave the house to catch his train and he's still in his fucking boxers.

Jeans are easy at least.

He only has one pair he really likes and they're currently flung over the top of his television. He doesn't know why. Why is anything ever where it is in this stupidly tiny room?

He fetches the jeans, puts them on with a t-shirt and reaches for a plaid shirt. He can wear this over the top right? Unbuttoned? Wearing plaid isn't too… well, he's not going to match Phil. It's not like he's trying to…

He's been staring at the shirt in his hand for at least a full minute and that's way too much time. He slings it on and tries not to think about it too much.

Back on his duvet, his phone chimes.

Phil: Let me know when you get on the train so I know when to expect you at the station. See you soon! ^_^

There is panic rising in his chest that has nothing to do with the rush of the morning. He's all crazed and anxious and his stomach feels like it's both completely hollow and also filled with bees.

He'll respond in a minute. Right now he needs clothes, and he needs them fast.

He finds his cool grey/black cowl neck shirt wedged in corner of a drawer and stuffs it in the top of his bag along with another t-shirt. His phone charger goes in, headphones, wallet, keys. He's got the train tickets, all neatly stacked in the order that he'll need them, in the back section of his wallet and he fishes it out just to check they're still there.

They are. A perfect little wedge of orange cards. His face hurts from smiling and he knows he must look like  dopey idiot right about now. But he's going to see <i>Phil</i>. Finally, finally, after what seems like forever but also not time at all.

Of course there is a flurry of oh-my-god-what-if-he-hates-me-in-person all twisted up inside him, next to the bees probably, but he tries to remind himself of what Phil said on Skype. That he's excited to see him. He remembers how Phil's face lit up when Dan had finally bought the tickets, how all of this had kind of been his idea in the first place. Or at least, he'd brought it up the first time, really casually, and then waited until Dan had been brave enough to return the favour.

He tells himself that they get on really well, they're already really good friends.

He tries to ignore the small voice that says yeah Dan, but you want more than that don't you? because that's a whole mess, and he already counts himself really fucking lucky that AmazingPhil even wanted to talk to him, let alone the fact that he and Phil actually get on. He has no right to hope for more.

Besides, he doesn't even know what he'd do with that. These aren't things Dan has said out loud, not about the fact that he likes boys in general, even less about the fact that he likes Phil specifically.

Though he suspects Phil has guessed. At least about the boys thing, not about Phil specifically.

But sometimes, at night, in the dark of his room illuminated only by the glow of his laptop screen where Phil is smiling and no doubt saying something utterly ridiculous, Dan can't help but think-- What if?

He doesn't have time for this. He flips the top of his bag closed and slings it over his shoulder. He grabs a jacket, because it's October and he has no idea how cold it's going to be up north, and then he's running down the stairs.

"Come on," he shouts at his mum.

She's already stood in their hallway.

"I was wondering what you were doing," she said. "If you want to get to wokingham station  on time we really should have left five minutes ago. That is where you said you were going from right?"

Dan fights the urge to roll his eyes. "Yeah. Yes. Wokingham. Okay. Can we go now?"

"I'm ready when you are," she says, like he's the one holding things up right now. "Have you got everything?"

"Yes." His voice sounds strained even to his own ears/

"And your friend is meeting you at the other end?"

Dan loses the battle this time and rolls his eyes heavenward. "Yes mum, it's all sorted."