#feasable

I tried absinthe this weekend and woke up with only a vague memory of the previous night and a fresh tattoo of a synthesizer on my abdomen. I realize that it's an ab-synth and that’s hilarious and all, but I'd appreciate the pun more if it didn't cause me such excruciating pain every time I laughed.

  -Michelangelo, Seer of Truths

  Aries

Squirrels are the crackheads of the animal kingdom. They're twitchy, spend all their time hoarding things for later, and sometimes run around and climb shit for no reason.

  Taurus

Hang tasteful painters around your house; the artist is the purest form of the art. 

  Gemini

Maybe the starving artists will actually tell you what they represent if you starve them for long enough. 

  Cancer

Be wary of weary drivers, but grow weary of wary drivers. Maybe you should just stay off the road altogether.

  Leo

It's time to make peace with your inner pheasant. Feed it mice by swallowing them whole. How did that pheasant even end up in you? On second thought, please don't tell me.

  Virgo

Eat Phish for dinner this week. Yes, the jam band.

  Libra

Break the forth wall by staring right into the cameras addressing your audience directly. What? Troupes of cameramen don’t follow you around documenting your every move? I've been duped!

  Scorpio

Don't look at the sky tonight, you might see a UFO and you really don't need that added stress right now.

  Sagittarius

Having lots of shorts increases integrity, maybe.

  Capricorn

If my smartphone's so smart, how come she beat me at chess when I clearly threatened to throw her off a bridge? Maybe it was all a scheme render my warranty void… that whore!

  Aquarius

Fast food is important for any developing economy.  Eat it, communism!

  Pisces

Hide your prized baseball cards in your rugged rucksack to keep them away from meddling mavericks. You sordid scholar, you…

  What Was That All About?

Two posts skipped and nothing lost

‘Cept our honor, quite the cost

Zach’riah was caught burning garbage for leverage

While I, ‘chelangelo, was drunk as a beverage

  So wear yer doubts like an ‘hefty speedo

Enjoy crass texts wit’ taut libido

Our writings pleasur th’ body and mind

So please read on, revel in what you findsts

  -Michelangelo, Seer of Truths

  Aries

You can tell a lot about a person based on the numbers they keep on their phone’s speed-dial. For instance, my old childhood friend Winston's top 3 were Charlie's Clown Emporium, Wally's Whip Dispensary, and Friedrich's House of Flames. I never saw much of old Winston after our farm burned down. Poor Winston...

  Taurus

Try being trendy this week by putting dubstep in your pasta and twerking in your soup.

  Gemini

Start a band with a bunch of British grammar enthusiasts. Call yourselves The Whom.

  Cancer

Start an aggressive campaign in support of vegetarianism by putting adorable pictures of baby pigs on packages of bacon.  Anthropomorphize them by giving them pacifiers and having them sit in strollers. Cute.   

  Leo

Finagle your way into all sorts of things, like free vaccinations and sports cards.

  Virgo

Leave post-it notes wherever you go with nonsensical clues allegedly leading people to allegedly countless riches.  Turns out the riches are countable, and the clues just lead to piles of dirty, discarded kitchen appliances.

  Libra

Billy always was a whimsical little boy. You know he wanted a ferret for his birthday this year? Kind of an oddball that Billy. His friends call him Willy Nilly Billy. What's little Billy doing balancing over that bridge? Billy, no!

  Scorpio

Damn it, Billy, you haven't been the same ever since the accident. You've been wearing scarves and collecting morning dew in small phials, not to mention your strange obsession with domesticating insects and getting them to perform simple tasks. Where did the old Billy go? I'd ask your magic 8 ball made of ants but all it ever really does is make me itch.

  Sagittarius

The butterfly postal service you’ve put together is lovely though, and mostly functional.  

  Capricorn

Grow a beard on your hand and sell it on the black market. Okay, now do it again.

  Aquarius

No, don't touch it! Great, now you've doomed us all.

  Pisces

Get a particularly emotionally draining job so that you can complain about it to all your friends. Your life is so hard...

  Pneumonic Plague