#faybles

and the thing is if i keep with neuroscience, there’s not much i have to change. hell, even if i decide i dont want to do neuroscience anymore, i can just switch to another subset of psychology.

but if i go the environmental studies route, chances are i’m going to graduate early because (1) way less required courses than neuroscience (2) i was already considerably ahead when i came in with my ap credits + the fact that so far i’ve been able to double down with major and commoncore reqs with the classes i chose. which means i need to start making some major changes esp since i plan on pursuing a masters in oceanography right after (and then maybe a PhD) which meeeeaaaans

i need to start seeing what lab opportunities the university offers (i mean i need to do this regardless of which major i choose, but it’s even more urgent with environmental since it’s a less flexible study compared to psychology) + figure out how i’m going to manage an internship (since most of them are unpaid :c) and a job when i’m already so. exhausted from just managing academics but like. this is non-negotiable if i want to even be remotely successful

if i graduate early, i have to start prepping for grad school early (i could just stick with my university to avoid going into debt but like....if it’s oceanography i want, something on the west coast esp pacific northwest might be better)

i need to learn how to swim. i vaguely know how to swim, but it’s just enough to stay afloat (though i did keep my brother from drowning + drowning me with him that one time so hm.). once im confident in swimming i need to learn how to work with SCUBA

not to mention how much a career in oceanography is going to affect my personal life. it’s not exactly that kind of career that you can keep with wherever you are. i’m most likely gonna have to leave a lot of what i know behind

so like obvs a change to EV is giving me a lot to think about. and i’m worried because you know for so long i was set on psychology, but i’m realizing that i dont want to do that anymore. i cared so much about it because it helped me make sense of my trauma and i just. i’m tired of centering my life on that

and maybe i’m letting my parents get to me since theyre def not fans of this switch and while most of their arguments are ridiculous (like women cant physically handle fieldwork in the ocean. pfft) and they really have no say in what i do with my life after everything theyve done, i do worry that i’m not good enough to make it. which isn’t. justified maybe. i know i’m smart. i know i’m more than capable of succeeding if i give myself the chance. i know im passionate about this and i just. i know i have always had the propensity to stand out in a positive way. but sitll i’m scared.  i dont know if im being overconfident when i trust in my abilities. i dont know if my lack of confidence will make me sabotage things.

it just feels like a lot to put the weight of my future all on this one decision. and maybe i’m still not past the habit of thinking that it’s do or die when it comes to the decisions i make. i thought, you know, i’m a little older know. i can look at my teenage years and see that all the times i thought would spell the end of things if i made the “wrong” decision really weren’t the big of a deal in the long run. but maybe i’m not that old yet. i mean i am just 18. just a year ago i was still a teenager. and i feel like ive grown a lot in these past few months after living on my own, but maybe i’m not as like. put together as i try to act like i am. maybe i still dont know what i’m doing. maybe ill realize decades from now that i still dont know what im doing. maybe it’s impossible for anyone to do know if what they do they can do with the peace of mind of knowing that this is the “right choice”