#fatgirproblems

I started a detox diet last Sunday. Today marks the half-way point. The last seven days have been very rough. I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned I have an addiction to food. I think we all do. It's easier for some people to control the addiction than for others like me.

The reason for this healthy eating challenge was not just to feel better but to help me lose weight. Now, I fucked up and didn't weight myself prior to this and I didn't weight myself today so I don't really know if I've lost any weight. I sure hope so. I need to lose weight. I just have to. I'm not the happiest at my current weight and I feel that if I can lose at least 20lbs this year I will be happier and feel better about myself. I've been struggling with my weight since my teens. It's been so hard for me to lose even 5lbs. There is only so much I can do to make my body get rid of a pound. Most times my body just says: fuck you. I do what I want. And, well, you know, I just let it be. In the last 2 years I've been telling it shut up and listen to me for a change. I've managed to lose about 35lbs but I've still have a long way to go.

Even though I've already lost weight and I look a bit different I don't feel different. I still feel gross and fat. I look at myself in the mirror and I see a pretty girl but I don't think it's me. It's someone else because in my mind I feel I look totally different. I feel that's what people still see even though they don't. I don't know. The mind is a powerful, fucked up thing. I don't know if I'm ever going to feel differently about myself. I sure hope I do someday.

I guess I should get back to this "cleanse" and what I've learned thus far. So far, I feel great. I have a better nights sleep. I wake up energized and ready to go. I'm not as tired. Usually, around 3/3:30 I start to get drowsy and my mind just wants to shut off. This past week I hadn't had the need for sugar or coffee as a pick-me-up. I can cruise straight until dinnertime. My overall mental health feels good too. I don't feel sad or depressed. I'm typically a negative, pessimistic, cynical person. I actually feel a bit more positive and optimistic. The cynicism is still there but not as much. Now, the bad stuff. My mind gets a little fuzzy in the afternoon. I don't think it's because of the food but because I don't eat all of my food. I don't typically eat a lot of food in one sitting, my stomach can't handle all of the food. The meals often require a lot of veg. My stomach can only handle half of what I make so, I'm not taking in a lot of calories. I'm not hungry in the afternoon but my mind is. I have to be sure I eat at least all of the protein. I do get a lot of headaches. This, I don't think is because of the lack of calories. I think its my body's way of reacting to good food. It's an addiction and like any addiction, when you stop giving your body what it wants, it reacts poorly. Being addicted to food it just like being addicted to a drug: you want it all the time. You think about it all the time and you can't wait to get your hands on it. The headaches have subsided quite a bit. The worst was the first 3 days. I was in agony. My body was just detoxing, I suppose. The thought of quitting crossed my mind every day. Sunday through Friday were definetly a chore. Friday my day was all messed up. I had the breakfast I was supposed to have. However, I didn't pack a lunch so I ended up not having lunch. At that point I figured I should just quit. I made it 6 days and that was good. But a good friend help me stay on track. She reminded me I was doing great and I should keep it up. I was glad she was there otherwise I would have caved and had some Fatburger that day. I don't have a huge cheer squad, but I'm lucky to have a handful of cheerleaders and support.