#farmerlarrry

“How many times have I asked you to put up the curtains?” You greet Joel with hostility as he enters through the front door. His face immediately goes sour. 

“Well, hello to you too,” His tone is dry. You turn away from the barren windows to face him; he’s setting down an assortment of flowers on the kitchen table, pulling out one of the chairs aggressively and taking a seat. “Got these for you, by the way.”

“Thanks,” You instantly shoot back sarcastically. “But I’d really like it if you would hang the fucking curtains up like I’ve been asking you for the past year and a half, Joel.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, woman,” His voice getting louder as he speaks. “I’m out there all fucking day doin’ patrol, ‘n when I get home all you do it bitch and complain about what I’m not doin’. I’ll get around to it.”

“I’ll get around to it,” You mock what he said and narrow your eyes at him, causing him to turn away from you, crossing his arms. “Maybe if you actually followed through with anything you’ve promised me, every fucking thing you said you’d get around to doing, I wouldn’t have to be on your ass all the time.” 

“If you want it done that fuckin’ bad, do it yo–” He snares at you, not finishing his sentence. Not that it matters because you know exactly what he was going to say.

You and Joel have always had a sort of on again, off again relationship. No matter how much the two of you tried, no matter how much you communicated, talked things through; there was always something that left the two of you clawing at each other’s necks. The real issue, though, is you’d always come back together again, things would be sweet and good for a month or two, and then it would all go to shit again, like clockwork. It’s happened time and time again, but there’s something about Joel that no one else could give you in Jackson. And because he keeps coming back to you as well, you assume it’s the same for him. 

Lately, things have become much more intense; the fights are louder, they last longer. You’re sick of it. This time it’s over. Really over.

All you can think to do at the moment is roll your eyes and scoff— loudly. He was right, you could do it yourself, but you were already committed to being annoyed over the fact he didn’t do it when you originally asked. The noise causes Joel to crank his head toward you. You can see the anger building up inside him, his neck becoming splotchy and red; something that only happens when he is seriously pissed off. Throwing down the tea towel you had been using to dry the dishes, you rush past the table, past Joel and head toward the front door. I’m not living like this anymore, you think to yourself, a tightness in your chest is quickly forming. 

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” Joel slaps his hand against the table, sending a chill down your spine as your hand hovers the door knob. There’s a hitch in your breathing, before you slowly turn on your heel and face him. He’s never hit anything before in his fits of rage and him doing it now shocked you.

“I’m done, Joel,” Your voice sounds weak and you’re barely able to get your words out, a burning sensation starts to form in your throat. Joel rises from his chair, there’s a darkness in his eyes. He’s walking toward you slowly, like you’re some sort of prey, and you're unable to move; the only thing you can do is watch him as he gets closer and closer. He has a smirk on his face, not even attempting to hide it.

“You’re done?” He runs his thumb over your bottom lip, as he hovers over you. You cower under his touch, looking up at him with wide, doe-eyes. “You know that’s not true, sweetheart.” 

You pull yourself out of your daze and roll your eyes in annoyance, starting to turn away from him. Joel grabs you by your wrists, pushing your back up against the door. The intense smell of aftershave, cigarettes, and coffee fills your senses, your stomach begins to flutter, a fire burning deep inside of you.

“Let go of me,” You say softly, not convincing anyone that you truly want him to. Your eyes are stuck on his slightly parted lips, his bottom one still healing from the last run in he had with someone at The Tipsy Bison. He begins to grab at your ankle length dress, a smirk still plastered on his face, he begins to walk his fingers up your thigh and hiking up the bottom of the dress as quickly as he can. He mutters something unintelligible under his breath when your panties come into view, running his fingers along the hem where your thigh and womanhood meet. 

“I don’t think so,” He barely gets his words out before crashing his lip into yours, forcing his tongue into your mouth which you gladly welcome. You let out a small moan as Joel presses his growing bulge against your leg, and pulls your panties to the side, running his index finger over your pulsing clit. The sensation causes your hips to roll, pushing into his touch. As he pulls away, you grab onto his lip with your teeth, tugging on it. Joel moans, following up with a small, dark chuckle. Joel, you breathily let out, screwing your eyes shut as he teases your hole with two of his fingers.

“You’re such a good girl, you know that?” Joel grunts, pulling his hand out of your panties, knowing that he won’t be able to push through teasing you. He needs you right now.

Before you know it, he’s pulling you by your wrist over to the kitchen table— the one the two of you were arguing at only moments prior. But right now, none of that matters. The only thing that matters is what you want from Joel, and what he wants from you. He flattens his hand against the middle of your back, pushing you down and bending you over the table. Your chest slams against the surface, you let out a small, devilish giggle. ‘M sorry, Joel mutters, you can hear him struggling with his belt buckle, and then it hitting the wood flooring. Your pussy throbs at the thought of Joel fucking you. Without thinking, you grab the edges of the table, wrapping your fingers around the sides until your knuckles go white.

As he comes up behind you, you can feel the warmth of his presence on the back of your thighs, causing the hair to stand up on the back of your neck. You arch your back towards him, begging him to fill you up, to ease the aching feeling between your legs. Your breathing becomes shallow and an intense feeling of irritation comes over you. 

Joel suddenly runs his hand down your back, causing goosebumps to appear across your arms and legs, before lightly slapping your ass. Mhmm, he softly hums. As he comes closer, you can feel his manhood wiggling itself in the slit between your legs. As the tip brushes against your clit, you become impatient, cranking your neck back toward Joel. You can’t see his face, but you know he’s enjoying seeing you like this. 

“Joel—“ You practically cry out.

“Tell me sweetheart, tell me how bad you want me,” His voice is dark, but smooth. 

“So— so fucking bad, please,” You whimper, laying the side of your head down at the table, preparing yourself for when Joel decides to enter your dripping hole.

“You look so fucking good from this angle,” He moans quietly, more for himself than for you to hear.

He reaches between him and you with his hand, and you can feel him slowly drag his cock between your lips, positioning his tip ever so slightly at the entrance of your hole. You bite down hard on your bottom lip, trying to scoot yourself back toward him. 

“Please,” You practically shout out to him, and he returns a seductive laugh before slowly pushing himself deeper, and deeper inside you. You let out a loud moan as you feel your tight hole stretch around him; both pain and pleasure fills you, the feeling spreading down to your legs.

“Tell me how good I feel inside of you,” Joel grunts, gripping onto your hips, pressing his fingers into the dips of your hips, and slamming them back toward him. Your eyes roll back at the force, and you can feel your legs begin to go numb. When you don’t respond fast enough for him, he pushes himself into you more aggressively. “I said, tell me—“

You cut him off before he can complete his sentence. 

“So…fucking…good,” You pause, saying each would on each thrust. The table is moving underneath you, scraping against the flooring. Joel draws himself slowly out of you before thrusting back in, you can feel something warm begin to run down your legs. 

“Shit,” Joel says in a serious tone, pulling out of you without any warning. A feeling of emptiness overcomes you and you begin to whimper, cranking your neck back to him. You lock eyes with him, giving him pleading eyes, he glances back and forth between you and the window.

“Wha— what are you doing?” You can feel yourself dripping, pulsing at your undying desire for him to be back inside of you.

“Head on upstairs,” Joel says, grabbing his jeans off the floor and covering his lower half. You look over to the window, the family who lives next door is approaching from the side street. There’s no way they won’t see the two of you once they get closer. 

“I should’ve put those curtains up.” Joel sounds slightly embarrassed admitting that. You turn back to him about halfway up the steps, I told you so, you think to yourself, giving him a telling look. He just shakes his head, slapping your ass to get you moving. “C’mon, we got some business to finish.”

As soon as the two of you are in the main bedroom, Joel is already all over you again. The sun is now setting, casting a dim, warm glow over the bedroom. As he begins to tug at the straps of your dress, you start to thumb at the hem of his worn, faded blue t-shirt. The one you told him to throw out. Your subtle frustration at the realization he failed to listen to you again turns to lust and firmly plant your hands on his chest, forcibly pushing him back on the bed. Your aggressiveness comes to him as a surprise, turning him on even more at the same time. He’s now watching you with begging eyes as you slip the other strap over your arm, your dress falling into a messy pile on the floor. Joel runs his eyes all over you, his throat bobbing when the two of you lock eyes. You walk over to him slowly, positioning yourself between his legs. Joel runs his hands across your lower back, rubbing your ass and squeezing occasionally. 

You drop to your knees, still keeping intense eye contact with Joel. His eyes are wide and his breathing is slow. Sweat is beginning to form on his forehead and is clinging onto his chest hairs. You grab your hair with one of your hands, moving it to one side and then drop your eyes to his cock, the tip is swollen, begging to be touched. As you begin to rub your thumb over the dripping head, Joel lets out a guttural moan. A moan that clearly conveys finally. The sounds he’s making turns you on ever more than before, you can feel your breasts begin to swell. 

“Look at me,” You whisper to Joel who has his head tilted back, looking towards the ceiling. You bring your free hand up to the back of his head, lightly wrapping your fingers around his hair and pulling it upright. He hazily looks at you, his tongue poking out from between his swollen lips. “Watch me.”

You look up at him with wide eyes as you take just the head of his cock between your lips, sucking on it ever so slightly. You watch as his eyelids flutter, and his eyes roll back; you watch as he struggles to keep his eyes open to watch you. The warmth of his precum caresses your cold tongues as you begin to swirl it, feeling the liquid steadily come from the slit of his cock. 

“Do– fuck– take i–in more,” Joel begins to plead, bring one of his hands up to the back of your head, entangling his fingers in your hair, encouraging you to take in more of him by pushing the back of your head into him. You immediately obliged, slowly and messily bobbing your head, taking in more of him each time. When you can feel the tip reach the farthest point your body will allow it to go, you take your hand, pumping and twisting the remainder of his girth. “That’s i–it sweetheart, you know h– oh my fucking God– you know how to make me fe–el good. Keep going, you–re doing s–so good.”

He’s guiding your head, pushing and pulling at his desired pace. His cock is covered in your saliva, pooling around the base. When the muscles in his thighs begin to tense up, he pulls you off of him, more aggressively than intended. You fall back on your hands on the floor, looking up at him with furrowed brows.

“Don’t think I’m not gonna pleasure you, do ya?” He says begin his heavy breaths, his chest rising and falling quickly. “Get up here.” 

Joel stands up, slightly pumping his cock and points at the bed. You oblige, bringing yourself up to your feet and centering yourself on the bed. Joel joins you without hesitation, positioning himself between your legs and hovering over you. He starts to nip at your neck, following down to collarbones, before taking one of your hard nipples into his mouth, gently sucking and biting at it. A wave of pleasure shoots through your limbs, causing you to let out a moan. Joel snickers.

“You like that, huh?” His tone is dark. As he nips at it again, you can feel his cock hit against your clit, sending a whole new sensation through your body. He swirls his tongue around the bud, moving on down your stomach, planting small kisses along the way.

Getting impatient, once again, you reach between the two of you grabbing his cock and scooting your body down. Joel begins to thrust in your hand, his eyes rolling back. He lets small, soft moans escape past his lips, to which you respond with whimpers. You want him so damn bad. 

“Just– fuck me Joel,” You are finally able to get the words out. Joel nods in response, obviously over teasing you, and he spreads your legs wider. 

As soon as you feel the tip connect with your hole, you buckle your hips and wrap your legs around his torso. In harmony, Joel thrusts deep inside of you, the two of you let out a loud moan. The bed creaks as he draws in and out, you can feel the sheets starting to become damp with sweat and other bodily fluids. 

“Tell me you're done,” Joel suddenly says in a clear voice. “You’re done with me, with u–us.”

His request throws you off. His breathing becomes heavier as he starts to thrust faster and harder into you, your mind goes blank, the only thing you can focus on is how sexy Joel looks hovering over you and how fucking good it feels to be fucked by him. You don’t think anyone else would be able to make you feel this good.

“I– I’m– duh–” You try to get the words out but the building chaos in your stomach becomes overwhelming and nearly debilitating. You can feel your legs start to tense up, your toes becoming numb.

“You… can’t… even…say…it…,” Joel drags out between his heavy breaths. Sweat is running down his cheeks and chest, dropping in splotches on your stomach. 

“Joel, I– I can’t– I’m about to–” You screw your eyes shut as you twitch under Joel’s weight, for a moment all you can see are bright splotches of colors; the tension in your stomach coming to an explosive end. Joel slows his thrusting, but continues, riding you out of your orgasm. You have your hands grasped around his forearms, squeezing as tight as you can.

“That’s good, sweetheart,” He says in a soothing tone. You can feel yourself pulsing around him. “You’re so fucking good.” 

On his last thrust, he doesnt pull out right away, his breathing hitches and he lets out a moan of relief. You can feel his girth twitch inside of you, and your pussy responds with a few more pulses. As he pulls out, the warmth of him remains, running down your slit and pooling on the bed. Joel drops down next to you, half limp with his arm strewn across your chest.

–

“Where are you going?” Joel props himself up on the bed with one elbow, sweat glistening off his chest and forehead as the moonlight shines in through the open window.

“Home,” You respond, almost confused. Where else would you be going?

You see his face drop in return, slightly pouting his bottom lip. For a moment, you wait for him to say something, but when he doesn’t, you go back to wrangling with your mess of a dress; nearly falling over in the dark room when your foot doesn’t slide through the top opening with ease. 

In the corner of your eye, you see Joel slowly pull himself out of bed, slipping on his gray boxers without any struggle. The floorboards creak quietly as he makes his way across the room toward you. You let out a deep sigh, a sense of relief lingers as you exhale. As you pull the last strap over your shoulder and adjust the bust, Joel loosely wraps his still damp arms around you and you crumble under his touch. You can hear his heartbeat as you nuzzle your head against his chest. Strong and deep. You close your eyes. This is the last time, you think.

“It’s cold out,” His voice is quiet and hoarse. He has his arms fully wrapped around you, not letting you escape, even if you tried— even if you wanted to. A somber smile appears on your face and you tilt your head back to look up at him. He doesn’t return your gaze, staring out the window as the two of you begin to sway from side to side. “Just stay for the night.”

His voice is even smaller than it was before, the sound coming out like a breeze. Joel runs his hands smoothly along the sides of your arms, barely brushing past your hips, before letting his arms fall at his side. He deeply inhales, locking his intense eyes on you, anticipating for you to say something— anything— at this point. You know exactly what he wants to hear.

You bring your bottom lip between your teeth, contemplating your choices and their potential consequences. If I don’t leave now, it will just be a never ending cycle, you think, your breathing becoming slow and deep. As you’re thinking, Joel brings his hand up to the back of your neck, running his fingers along your hairline, then tracing your jawline with the tips. 

Even though you know what you should do— the right thing to do— Joel is your weakness. And you are his. That’s why breaking up has never worked in the past. The community is too small, and your relationship is too intense.

“Sweetheart,” His tone has a hint of anxiousness to it.

You give him a slight nod, a bit of hesitation behind the gesture. He grabs your hand, softly running his thumb over your knuckles, pulling you back toward the messy bed. You crawl from his designation side over to yours, laying on your side to face him. With your hand tucked under your head, cupping your ear, you watch him take a smooth draw at his whiskey, the muscles in his chest twitch as he moves his arm.

He slips into the bed, pulling the blanket over the two of you, and scooting closer to you. Your eyelashes are fluttering at him, your heart full; the infatuation that comes after an intense break up, you think, self-aware of what you’re feeling. A small part of you feels guilty. Joel is looking at you with hungry eyes, although a softness exudes from them. He leans in, planting a soft, lingering kiss on your lips. 

You haven’t seen your best friend in over a year since they moved to a small town in Texas. Between work and just life in general, it’s been hard to find a time when both your schedules just so happen to perfectly align. After a lot of planning and a four hour fight with a two hour layover, you’ve finally made it. Unfortunately, your stay will be short—you only have three nights and four days with them, but it’s better than not seeing them at all. Your best friend made sure to plan some fun filled days, and regardless of how tired you are from your long travel day, you don’t want to waste any of the time you have with them.

Tonight, the two of you are hitting the town. Your friend has been going on and on about this one bar in particular. The drinks are cheap, the crowds are wild, and the music is good. On top of that, you will also be meeting some of your friend's coworkers, who quickly turned into some of their closest friends. Although you were excited, a part of you felt nervous.

It’s been a while since you went out to any bars or clubs. When you were in college, you and your small group of friends were frequent nightlife goers, but once everyone started getting jobs and moving away, those wild nights became few and far between.

Butterflies began to form in your stomach as the two of you approached a building from a side alley. You could feel the vibration of the music run its course through your body before the bar came into view; usually, this was a sign that tonight was going to be a good night.

When the building came into view, it wasn’t exactly what you were anticipating. The dim entrance made your stomach churn, igniting a sense of danger in your mind. A large man stood to the side of the closed metal door, his arms crossed as he stared straight ahead with a grim, intimidating expression. It was definitely not like any of the clubs or bars back home, where everything was well lit and definitely not as secluded as this one is. Your body language must’ve been telling because your friend let out a loud chuckle, grabbing onto your wrist and pulling you closer to them.

“I already know what you’re thinking,” they say between their small giggles. You respond with a apprehensive look, causing them to become even more amused. A part of you felt like this was some sort of prank. “It doesn’t look like much, but I promise you, this is the place to go.”

You raise your eyebrows in suspicion. Your friend shakes their head in a joking manner, lacing their arm through yours and guiding you to the line that has begun to form.

Your friend spent most of the time in line on their phone trying to get a hold of their friends, who are supposed to be meeting the two of you there. One person wouldn’t pick up, so they’d call another person, only for the first person to call back. It was a mess, but in your eyes, it was an entertaining mess watching your friend struggle between the calls.

The two of you finally make it into the bar. Dim, red lights barely illuminate the large building, and you are immediately met with a humid heat and the smell of sweat and pure alcohol. Your nose twitches at the smell. The music, at least, is good; you can feel the thumping of the beat in your chest.

As you’re taking in the atmosphere, your friend grabs the back of your arm, pulling you in close to them and tilting their phone away from their mouth.

“I think I know where they are, I’m going to try and find them,” they shout into your ear, and you simply nod in response. Your eyes are locked onto the small, but crowded, dance floor straight ahead of you. “Why don’t you go get a drink at the bar? I’ll be right over, okay?”

They point in the direction of the bar, and you follow with your eyes. A drink will surely help with the nerves you’re feeling right now. Your stomach feels like a scrambled mess. Your friend quickly disappears in the opposite direction, still trying to reach someone on their phone.

You have to push your way through the crowd to make it over to the bar, situating yourself between two men. As you wait for the bartender to come over, you tap your fingers along the edge of the wooden top, looking around at the people surrounding you.

"Well, aren’t you a pretty lady?” The man to your right sneers at you, causing you to snap your head in his direction. You immediately notice his eyes are locked on your chest, not even trying to hide his obvious obsession with your cleavage. A feeling of insecurity comes over you as you begin to regret your outfit choice. Sure, you wanted attention, but not this level of creepy attention and definitely not from this man.

Not wanting to cause a scene, you just give the man an unauthentic smile, positioning your body away from him. You can feel him lean in behind you, and as he begins to say something, the bartender, a girl who barely even looks old enough to work at an establishment like this, promptly comes up to you from the other side of the bar. She gives a deathly glare to the man bothering you, causing him and his friends to leave.

“What can I get for you?” She says with a sweet smile.

“Tequila soda, please.” You rest your palms against the edge of the wooden top, leaning in toward her as you speak. “With an extra lime, too.”

She gives you an assuring nod, quickly turning on her heel to begin her work. As she’s walking away, your body is firmly slammed up against the bar top, the edge ramming into your ribs and knocking the wind out of you. Your body rocks back and forth as some sort of commotion unfolds behind you, with someone keeping your body pinned down and making it impossible for you to straighten upright.

Watch where the fuck you’re goin’.

Why don’t you watch your fucking mouth, old man.

Old ma– you wanna take this shit outside, you fuckin’ punk? Huh?

Your ribs get slammed against the edge again before you are finally set free, pushing yourself upright. You feel a hand glide along your lower back, making you turn your head from side to side, trying to see who is touching you.

“I’m so sorry ‘bout that, miss,” a faint voice says, obviously directed toward you. “Are you alright?”

You nod your head slowly as a tall and quite handsome man appears off to your side, making you turn around to see him fully. His dark hair is messily tousled on top of his head, a few half formed curls peek out from the nape of his neck. He is staring at you intensely with kind yet very obviously tired eyes. You can feel your mouth grow unbearably dry as you take his good looks in.

“Ye—yes,” you stumble on your words, continuing to marvel over the man before you. His eyes are wide as he darts all over you, bringing up his hand to gently move a strand of hair out of your face. He gives you a genuine, kind smile before letting his hand drop.

“People are...” He lets his voice trail off, sucking in some air through his teeth. He quickly looks around him. “I'm—”

Although he’s shouting, you don’t catch his name over all the noise, bringing your eyebrows together and turning your ear toward him.

“Joel,” he said louder, leaning in closer. You pull back, nod your head and shout your name back to him. His lips curl up into a charming smile. “That’s a beautiful name, miss.”

His compliment makes your heart flutter, and you drop your gaze down to your feet for a short moment before meeting with his eyes again. Joel nudges the man who was standing to your right out of the way so he can take his spot; your arms brush up against each other’s in the process, causing a chill to run up your arms. You slowly turn to face him, looking up at him with wide, innocent eyes. The bar light illuminates his face a bit better than before, he is absolutely beautiful.

“You from around here?” Joel asks and cocks his head slightly to one side, tilting himself a bit closer to you.

“No, just visiting a friend,” you respond, lifting yourself up ever so slightly on your tiptoes and angling your chest toward him. This is exactly the kind of man you want attention from. “You?”

His throat bobs, and his eyes quickly dart down and then back up to your eyes.

“I— I am from around here,” he says with a slight chuckle, which causes you to giggle alongside him. You can see a bead of sweat beginning to form alongside his temple.

Suddenly, his attention shifts away from you and he subtly points to behind the bar, causing you to turn your head. It’s the bartender from earlier, and she has your drink in hand with an apologetic smile showcased on her face. You were so wrapped up in the essence of Joel that you completely forgot you even ordered a drink.

“So sorry, we had some issues at the other end.” Her voice is high pitched and sweet sounding. “Do you want to pay or open a tab?”

As she slides your sweat clad glass across the bar toward you, Joel leans across you, closer to the girl on the other side. You can feel his hand find its way between your shoulder blades, running it up to the backside of your neck. A chill runs down your spine, causing a hitch in your breathing.

“Put it on my tab.” He shouted, and although he was just mere inches away from you, his voice still sounded so distant over the music and people talking.

The bartender raised her eyebrows and gave him a curt nod, quickly making eye contact with you and giving you a sly smile. Your heart fluttered at the gesture, even though a part of you knew this probably meant he wanted something in return. At this point, it was something you were definitely willing to give if he continued to play his cards right.

“Thanks,” you say quietly, not even sure if you spoke loud enough for him to hear you. As he pulls away, the two of you lock eyes, and you tuck your bottom lip between your teeth, trying to suppress your smile.

“A lady as pretty as you should never pay for her drinks,” he responded confidently. You could feel your cheeks fill with heat.

Joel is now peering down over you with dark eyes, his left forearm laying against the wooden bar to support his body, and his other hand still loosely wrapped around the side of your neck. Goosebumps spread across your skin as he slowly rubbed the pad of his thumb over your soft skin.

You look up at him with wide, innocent eyes. He has his lips slightly puckered as he traces his eyes along your skin. You watched as the muscles in his chest twitched. A burning sensation begins to burn deep inside your chest; you didn’t know how much longer you could take this. At this point, you didn’t want him, you needed him.

He let his hand glide down the side of your neck, over your shoulder, and then down your arm before retracting it, grabbing his glass of whiskey off of the table and taking a smooth, long drag. You continue to watch him with your swollen bottom lip tucked between your teeth, subtly bobbing your head along to the music.

“What do you do for work?” Joel’s voice has changed now, it’s much more lustful than before, and you can tell that he’s trying to hide his desire. His throat bobs as he swallows. You were glad you weren’t the only one feeling this way.

“I work in an office.” You try to steady your breathing, not wanting your words to come out shaky. “I’m an assistant to the company’s CFO.”

Joel’s eyebrows twitch as he nods, looking down at his drink and swirling it around a few times.

“That sounds—“ His voice is hesitant.

“Super fun,” you cut him off and say in a sarcastic tone. “It totally is.”

Joel breaks out into a wide smile. You’re positive he chuckled, but it’s hard to be certain over the noise. You look down at his hands and see some dirt clinging to his arm hair. Construction? Maybe a contractor?

“And what do you do?” You say, grabbing one of his wrists and running over the dirtied spot with your index finger. He quickly pulls back, rubbing off the dirt with his other hand. Pink spreads along his cheeks.

“Christ, that’s embarrassin’… seems to never come off no matter how much I clean m’self.” His tone is flustered as he continues to try and remove the stubborn dirt. “I’m a carpenter, though; I work alongside my brother.”

“Mhmm,” you hum, chewing slightly on the inner flesh of your cheek. “So… does that mean you’re good with your hands?”

You question him flirtatiously, looking back down towards his big hands. Your comment makes Joel choke on his drink, his cheeks growing an even brighter shade of pink now. Your eyes dart back up to his face, this time you don’t break your gaze away from him, watching as he tries to hide his smile from you.

“I— I guess you, you could say that,” Joel manages to get out, bringing his hand up to the back of his neck and rubbing the side.

His well fitted shirt strains against his bicep, causing you to become distracted by Joel’s physique again. He is well in shape, likely due to his line of work; he has toned arms, broad shoulders, and nice chest muscles that the fabric of the shirt clings to. Without much thought, you begin to run your eyes along his body, your eyes meeting with the sliver of skin just above his pant line that’s exposed. Your eyes wander even lower when Joel suddenly hooks his finger under your chin, a smirk planted on his face.

“You’re trouble.” He leans in close, only leaving a few inches between your faces. You look up at him through your brow line, the corners of your lips curling upward. You love where this is going, soon all of your desires will be met, and he will be all yours.

Just as your eyes flutter shut, Joel is yanked away from you. A man with dirty blonde hair has his hands around Joel’s shoulders and is shaking him back and forth. Joel is very clearly perturbed, his face twisting up in frustration.

“Joel,” the man drags out his name with a wide grin, clearly he’s had one too many drinks tonight. “I’ve been lookin’ everywhere for you… a couple guys from the job site are here ‘n wanna play pool. Whatdya think?”

Joel flashes you a quick smile before turning away from you and saying something to the man. Whatever he is saying appears to be causing conflicting emotions between the two of them. As they begin shooting back and forth, a feeling of insecurity quickly comes over you, causing you to turn your head away and look out into the crowd of people dancing.

As you take a small sip of your drink, Joel firmly places his hand on the small of your back, making your stomach jolt. You quickly turn your head back toward him. His mouth is near your ear, and you can feel his hot breath tickling your skin. The sensation causes heat to begin pooling in between your legs. You gulp.

“It was a pleasure talkin’ to you, darlin’,” his voice is smooth as honey and seductive. “I hope to see you around.”

Before you could think of anything to say back, Joel already had his back toward you, walking away accompanied by his friend. You’re stunned by his quick exit, your fingertips pooling with blood as you grip onto your drink glass. There’s no way I misread that entire situation, you think to yourself, left somewhat confused. Why would he leave like that?

The conversation was just as quick to end as it started, but it— he— left you wanting more. A sense of clarity came over you, a fire burning deep in your chest. You wanted more.

A voice inside your head echoed with “no, don’t leave” as you watched Joel disappear into the crowd. You could not move to make your deepest desires come true, and even if you could, did you really want to be the sex crazed person chasing after someone you had just met? As he fully disappeared, his scent lingered where he once stood—a faint smell of dirt, whiskey, and sweat. You thought it was strange that the combination was quite a turn on for you, but it was the indication of a hardworking man— and that was sexy to you.

All you could think about was how badly you wanted Joel. The way your body reacted every time he touched you was unlike anything any other person had been able to make you feel. The way his voice drew you in and his eyes hypnotized you. All you wanted at this moment was to see him bare, hovering over you while sweat dripped off of him and his face twisted with pleasure as he filled you up with his girth. You want to moan his name over and over as he explores your body, desperately wanting to know how his tongue would feel swirling around your swollen, throbbing clit that begged for his touch.

Closing your eyes, you bring yourself back to reality. You let go of the air that you had been holding in your lungs, your chest burning as it escapes. Being this attracted to someone was definitely not on your bingo card for this trip. Bringing your glass up to your lips, you steadily draw in the liquid, desperately trying to calm yourself down.

“Bitch,” the faint sound of your friend’s voice comes to you as a relief. They come up to your side, looping this arm around your waist. They have their eyes narrowed at you, a slight smirk appearing the longer the two of you look at each other.

“What?” You feel your eyebrows twitch.

“Who was that handsome fella you were just talking to?” They’re full blown smiling now, looking past you in the direction Joel went. You try to fight your smile, but ultimately fail. Your bestie begins to laugh, grabbing onto your arm and causing the heat to return to your cheeks.

“How long were you watching?” You suddenly feel shy, covering your face with one of your hands.

“Well, I wasn’t just going to come up and ruin whatever was going on… unlike that bastard that pulled him away from you.” They narrowed their eyes once again, obviously upset about what happened. “So, what’s his name?”

“His name’s Joel,” you say, leaning in closer to them.

“Oh,” their eyes widened. “And are we hoping we see Joel again tonight?”

You tuck your bottom lip between your teeth, dropping your eyes down to your glass as you run the moistened tip of your index finger around the rim of your glass.

“Yeah,” you nod, smiling to yourself. “I hope so.”

dividers are from @saradika | link

Staring off into the dark abyss of where you just came from, you roll your neck, grimacing at the shooting pain at the base of your skull. Sleeping on the couch was not working out. Nothing good came out of it, just restless nights and daily body aches. Still, regardless of being in this house for a while, the reminisce of the lives that used to call this house their home still haunts you in one form or another. This place has yet to begin feeling like yours, and at this rate, you don’t think it ever will. 

The past few weeks have been nothing short of a blur, between the conversation you had with Joel and the myriad of drama surrounding you in Jackson, your mind has been rather preoccupied. 

After your eyes fully adjusted to the dark, you reached for the notebook at the center of the table. The clock mounted behind you on the wall in the kitchen, was loud in your ears, the mixture of tick-tocks and your heartbeat whooshing in your ear gave you a sense of unsettling nausea. 

You flipped to the next available blank page in the worn notebook, the moon casting a sliver of light across the table as if it was encouraging you to write about your troubles after witnessing your restless night for countless weeks. The eraser head hits the paper in between the ticks and tocks of the clock as you delve further into your thoughts. Where do I start? You ask yourself.

A few weeks ago, after returning from an uneventful patrol alongside Joel, you came across a post on the community information board in the town square. Charles posted a help wanted request for cleaning and setting up a library in one of the vacant buildings within the community. As soon as you saw his name signed at the bottom, you ripped it from the board and rushed to his house to volunteer your hand. A part of you felt saddened that he didn’t come to you and ask, considering he confided in you that one day he'd like to open a library here. Although, given the rocky state of things going on in your life, you understood why he didn’t ask to begin with. 

After going around to the different guards, asking for anyone to cover her spot with patrol, Tommy was the only one who stepped up while you and Charles began stripping the building, cleaning, and organizing the collection of books he’s hoarded over the years, were donated by members of the community, or were purposely scavenged from nearby.

Although you hated admitting this to yourself, it was nice getting a break from doing patrol. Setting up the library was the perfect distraction from everything going on, and spending time with Charles, someone who you looked up to for guidance and as a father figure, was the kind of presence your soul needed. 

That distraction only went so far though, at night your thoughts consistently kept you up into the wee hours of the morning. It had nearly become debilitating and you knew it was something you’d have to figure out sooner rather than later, particularly before you returned to your patrol duties. The main two culprits that haunted your thoughts were none other than Joel and James; Joel, mainly because you’ve been spending much less time with him than usual, and James for the fact that he’s been too involved in your life lately. 

Regardless of not going on patrol with Joel, you still see him nearly everyday. Usually the two of you eat dinner together, with him stopping by what will eventually become the library to see if you wanted to join him. Your answer was always yes with no hesitation on your end. After dinner, he'd walk you home, sometimes he’d stay for an hour or so, other times he’d retreat to his house to go to bed, telling you that the sleepless nights in the QZ and on the outside were catching up with him. At the end of each day, you always craved more from him.

Then there was James. Oh, James…

Ever since your confrontation out front of the stables about the little stunt he pulled that almost got you taken off of patrols, it seems as if James has been trying to do some intense damage control with you. He’s stopped by your house a handful of times that you know of. You’ve never opened the door, going completely still so as to not alert him of your presence, though he still takes it upon himself to profusely apologize through the door, pleading for you to talk to him. 

Through word of mouth, either from the other guards discussing your temporary leave or from Charles himself, James must’ve learned about you helping with the library because he began showing up between his patrols and other guard duties, claiming he just wants to see how things are coming along. 

These unexpected drop-ins put Charles in an awkward position; you knew it, James knew it—he came anyway. While you stealthily slipped into the back room to busy yourself, sometimes organizing piles of books you already organized days prior, other times just staring at the wall, Charles would take the initiative to entertain James with small talk. 

Every time James made his eventual departure, Charles would let out a loud heavy sigh, saying so much with no words. And after you’d mutter your half-assed apology as you emerged from the back room, he’d give you a look; one so full of disappointment and defeat. For the rest of the day, both of you would work in silence.

Charles never said anything beyond his sigh and the look he’d give you in regards to James. His body language was more than enough and he knew that. He knew the guilt that you feel and the conflicting anger you have towards James. After the last talk the two of you had, he’d given up and knew no matter what he said to you, no matter how much he tried to help, you wouldn’t listen anyway.

He knew you were a coward and had no plan of resolving things with James anytime soon.

A coward wishing their problem would disappear. 

You wished James would just disappear , because then you wouldn’t have to think about what you did to him that started this. And that made you feel guilty. 

Eventually, you knew you’d have to come face to face with James, knowing that he won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. The community is relatively small and people talk; in the long run it would be best to smooth things over, at least attempt to talk things out. Although, it just wasn’t something you could do right now. Not with your conflicting and complex feelings toward James—especially not when things were so God damned gray with Joel. 

The snapping of the lead of your pencil pulls you out of your mind consuming rant, suddenly becoming aware of your dark surroundings as you return to reality. You could feel the intense heat radiating off of your cheeks as you brought one palm up to your face. 

After staring at the paper for a few minutes, taking in the messy scribbles of words, you rip out the page in one swift motion, immediately crumpling it into a ball. The muscles in your forearm tensed as you squeezed the paper within your fist, making it smaller and more compact with each squeeze. The paper disappeared within the dark shadows of the kitchen when you chucked it across the table.

Your head began to spin, a buzzing sensation filling your skull and making you feel uneasy. Moving the hand on your cheek up to your forehead, you let out a sigh of frustration and close your eyes.

Joel. 

Such an intense and complex person. From the moment you sat across from him at that damned table at that abandoned cabin, you felt drawn to him. Something about him that you couldn’t quite put your finger on made you feel understood and protected and at ease. When it was just the two of you, you could imagine what life would be like by his side, and it was something you so badly wanted to manifest into reality. He could be a complete asshole at times, but then there were other times when he was so vulnerable with you and he would laugh and you could see a glimmer of joy in his eyes that gave you a tiny glimpse of who he was before the outbreak happened. Weirdly enough, you wanted him just as much in his worst moments as you did in his best. To you, knowing that was enough. It was enough to understand what you felt for him.

James…

He was such a sweet and kind soul, always making you feel so normal, as if none of this outbreak bullshit ever happened. James felt things so purely and intensely, it almost made you envious that someone could experience life in such a way after losing so much.  From the beginning he treated you as an equal, he didn’t make you have to prove yourself like some of the others did, he didn’t see you as the weird girl who showed up with Tommy Miller and his misfit older brother. He treated you like a human being deserving of friendship, he stuck up for you, and on the late nights the two of you would spend together, he made you feel like you were something important to this world. While all those things may remain true, it doesn’t change how he treated Joel or what he did to you when his jealousy took over. Things could never go back to how they were after that.

Closing the front cover of the notebook and slipping the pencil into the spiral binding for safe keeping, you slide it back to the center of the table where you retrieved it from.

In the past, writing had helped you sort through your thoughts, it did when Joel left shortly after you arrived in Jackson and when memories of the past became too much to bear. It gave you a chance to dump everything without the judgment of others and many times you were able to either solve the core of the problem or come to some sort of decision on how to manage your feelings, but this time around…no matter how much you deliberated, how much you wrote, it just leaves you with a bigger headache than you started with. 

And this headache seemed to grow worse as the days went on. 

As your hand ran down the front of your face, you turned in your chair to look at the clock, squinting your eyes to make out the numbers and hand position in the dark. You raise your eyebrows when you realize it’s now past midnight, nearly an hour has passed and you have been completely lost in your thoughts this entire time. 

At this point the moonlight shifted, the sliver that previously caressed the table with a soft glow, was now leading you to the couch. 

Pressing your palms firmly against the smooth surface of the table, it takes you a second to push yourself up onto your feet as your eyes lock onto one of the many burn marks pulling you back into your daze. Joel did say I was welcome anytime, the words appear in your mind without any warning, maybe I can… With one hard, intentional blink, the thought disappeared.

Nothing good ever comes after midnight. On top of that, you aren't being rational right now, you’re sleep deprived and borderline delarius. Nothing good will come out of that, you whisper your words out loud. Sleep. That’s what you needed. That’s all you need right now. Not clarity, or confirmation, or him.

You wrap your arms around yourself as you walk the short distance from the table to the couch, nearly toppling over on the couch. All you wanted at the moment was to sleep. You desperately wanted a break from your racing thoughts that were now becoming tortuous. Before laying down, you punched the poor excuse of a pillow a few times before laying on your back, your hands resting just above your navel. As you close your eyes, you slow your breathing. 

Trying to trick your brain into sleeping, you count the seconds that pass in unison to the ticking clock. Flashing images of Joel kept distracting you, so when you finally reached six hundred after several failed attempts, you flipped onto your side with your face now facing the back of the couch. The rough fabric brushed the tip of your nose as you nuzzled your face into the cushion, the heat of your breathing warming your cold cheeks. 

Three hundred more seconds pass before you shoot up from the couch, the sudden movement making blood rush to your head, the already dark room becoming darker for a fraction of time. Your heart, for some reason that you don’t know why, is racing, thumping strongly within the confines of your chest.

Placing your hand over your heart, feeling the movement under the layers of skin, muscle, and bone, you approach the window in the living room, your steps slow almost as if you were afraid of getting caught. As you look out the window toward Joel’s house, you brace your hands on the windowsill, leaning into them to get a better look. His house at this time of the night was nothing more than a shadow, but you could recount every detail of it by memory. 

You began to gently chew on your bottom lip as a sudden calm came over.

Fuck it. 

Before you could process your decision or think of what the consequence might come from out of this, you were already halfway out the door, barefoot and still in your pajamas. Time seemed to slow as you walked across the empty street and up Joel’s pathway; the overgrown weeds tickling the bottom of your feet with each step. 

Knock, knock, knock.

The wooden door was hard against your knuckles, knocking hard enough so he would hear but wouldn’t be alarmingly loud either. 

For a brief moment, a sliver of consciousness washed over you, the only thing you could hear was your own ragged breaths as the adrenaline continued to rush through your veins and covered your body in a numbing sensation. What are you doing? Your eyebrows drew together. Looking over your shoulder you judged the distance between where you stood and where your front door was. If I leave now, perhaps I can make it back before he gets to the door. The longer you think on it, you realize the opportunity slipping through your fingers. 

The sound of creaking floorboards causes you to turn back toward Joel’s front door and straighten your posture, your chin tilting upward ever so slightly. Your fingers fiddle with each other as you wait for the door to open; on the other side of the barrier, you can hear Joel clear his throat and your heart stalls.

At first, he barely opens the door wide enough for his head to poke through. You take a second to scan his face; he looks confused, still half asleep, but God did he look handsome.

“Hey, um, ” your voice is soft, not quite sure what to say. You shift the weight between your feet as you continue to look at him.

After taking what seemed like forever to process your presence, Joel’s narrowed eyes quickly turn into concern and he opens the door wider revealing his entire body. “Is everything okay?” His voice was rough, laden with sleep. Your breathing hitches, leaving you unable to respond as you take him in before you. Your eyes glaze down from his concerned expression, to his chest hair and down his bare torso, to the top of the band of his blue boxer that looked as if they had been put on in a rush. Your core ignited with an intense heat, your heartbeat picking up in speed. 

You force yourself to swallow despite your throat feeling as if it were closing in on itself. “I can’t sleep…” You shook your head, keeping your eyes fixated on his. “I’m–I’m sorry to bother you so late.” Letting out a sigh you avert your gaze down to your feet. Looking at him was too much for you to handle right now. 

The sigh of relief escaping him made you slowly look back up at him, his shoulders relaxing. Without saying anything else, Joel opens the door completely, stepping aside to allow you to come in. You give him a shy smile in response, butterflies now going rampant in your stomach. 

You wait for Joel to take the lead, not sure what would happen from here. You knew what you wanted to happen, whether it was right or wrong. Perhaps he’d offer you the couch, simply a place to sleep for the night. That’s probably for the best. Or maybe the two of you would talk for a bit and then he’d send you on your way. Fuck, you’re an idiot, you thought, hating yourself now for not thinking this through. Joel had to get up for patrol in the morning and you thought it was a good idea to bother him for your own selfish reasons. Stupid, stupid, stupid. You dig your nails into your palms as a flash of heat runs through your body. 

Joel’s arm brushes up against yours as he passes, leading you further into his home and turning on lights as he goes. You have to force yourself not to look at him or the way his back muscles shift as he walks. Get a hold of yourself, you scold yourself and suck in some very much needed oxygen through your teeth. 

You take everything in as you walk further into his home, it’s been quite a while since you’ve been here. Between the pictures of wildlife to the half finished wood carvings, everything remains the same as you remember; perfectly lived in and a reflection of who Joel is at his core. 

The kitchen light flickers a few times when Joel flips the switch, damn light , his voice comes out as a low mumble. As the two of you approach the table, he pulls out one of the chairs gesturing for you to take a seat. You avoid his gaze, giving him a nod of gratitude before he rounded the corner of the table and headed toward the kitchen cabinets. 

“You want something to drink?” He asks as he grabs two glasses, the side clinking together as he sets them down on the countertop. “Liquor, fresh milk, water…” He only turns back to look at you once he finishes. 

You shake your head. “I’m fine, thanks though.” The last thing you need is alcohol, and you were sure that anything that went down would instantly be vomited back up given the fact that your stomach was in the most intense knots you have ever experienced. 

Joel stares at you for a second longer than usual before giving you a single nod, abandoning the glasses on the counter and taking a seat in the chair directly across from you. 

He clears his throat before asking, “Somethin’ botherin’ you?” His tone was genuine. You scoff quietly in response, if only I could tell you , you thought.

You didn’t respond immediately, staring off into the kitchen behind Joel and gathering your thoughts. “There’s…” You didn’t know how to respond or what to say. No, you couldn’t tell him. Or could you? “Yes, I just don’t know… I don’t” You cut yourself off, sucking in some air to challenge the suffocating feeling that manifested in your chest. 

“You don’t want to talk about it?” He says, not intending it as a question. Joel clasps his hands together, resting them on the table. Without looking at him, you slowly nod. “Nothin’ wrong with that.” 

Then a silence fell between the two of you. You didn’t know what else to say, you could barely look at him across the table from you and could feel his stare burning a hole into you. Guilt quickly washed over you and you slightly cringed to yourself before lifting your eyes up to Joel. His gaze was intently fixated on you, an intensity in his eyes you saw only a few times. 

Your lips part, your tongue wetting your dried out lips. “I’m sorry I woke you up for nothing,” Your voice was breathy and barely above a whisper. “I didn’t know what to do, so…” 

Joel immediately shook his head before you were even able to finish. “Don’t– no, don’t apologize.” You give him a pitiful smile, though his expression did not break. The two of you stare at each other for what seems like minutes, though in reality it was probably only a few seconds at most. 

“How’s the library comin’ along?” He changed the subject, which you were thankful for. “Sounds like a lot of people are excited for it.” Joel cocked his head. 

“Yeah, probably a dozen people stop by a day just to see when we’ll be done.” You say as you tuck your hands beneath your thighs. “Hardest part is just filling the shelves with books, more tedious than hard though.” Joel was listening with intent. “Tony brought us a ton of books from the run last week, so that was pretty huge. On top of that people have been dropping books off to donate.” 

“It’ll…it’ll be a good addition to Jackson.” Joel responds and you nod.

There was a pause in the conversation, a bit of awkwardness rising in the air. 

“How’s patrol going in my absence?” You inquire, changing the subject. 

Joel let out a low whisper as he adjusted himself in the chair. “Same ol’, same ol’. Don’t tell Tommy I said this, but it’s been nice spending some one on one time with him. It’s been a while since it’s just been us.” He says, a glimmer growing brighter in his eyes. A small smile appeared on his face. “Sort of like old times, when we’d go on fishin’ trips together.” 

You smile at the sentiment, before completely changing your expression. “ Mmmm,” you hum, causing Joel to look at you. His eyes narrow slightly in confusion. “Do I have to worry about you replacing me?” You jokingly narrow your eyes back at him, cocking your head to one side. 

Joel let out a boisterous laugh. “God no, never,” his response was quick with no hesitation. “I say that, but I can only take so much of him… ask me in a few more weeks and I’ll be beggin’ on my hands and knees for you to come back.” 

A smile appeared on your face again, “I won’t make you beg too hard.” Joel instantly locked eyes with you through his brow-line, your stomach jumping at the eye contact. 

“No?” He raised his eyebrow as he spoke, his voice dark but somewhat playful as he gave you a devious smile.

You were the first to drop your gaze, followed up by Joel clearing his throat. 

“Um…” You fill the silence, trying to think of how to converse after that moment. In your peripheral view, you see Joel reach his hand over the table, gesturing toward you. 

“I think about ya’.” His eyes dart around as you look at him, searching for some sort of reaction from you. Everything around you went eerily silent. You raise your eyebrows almost stunned by this confession. All you wanted to say was: You do? However, you waited for him to continue, to take the lead on whatever was about to be said. It seems as if your reaction was enough because Joel nodded. “When I’m doin’ patrol and you aren’t there, at night before I fall asleep,” as he went on, he refused to look at you. From his expression you couldn’t quite tell what his intent was telling you this. “I–I’m…” At this point his head is hanging low, his eyes fixated on the table; he shook his head. “I’ll be right back.” 

His tone was different than before, you sensed a bit of hesitation, perhaps embarrassment. You return with a curt nod, although he didn’t give you a second look before he left and headed toward the stairs. You remained seated at the table as you listened to the thumps of each step he took, and when things went silent, you raised out of the chair. What just happened? Joel’s confession almost seemed unreal, did you imagine that just now? You turned in a circle, your eyes tracking the walls as you spin. Am I dreaming? Your face now twisted in confusion. 

Walking out of the kitchen, you stand  at the bottom of the staircase for a moment looking up. Joel was nowhere in sight. You blow out the air you had been holding on to as you pad over to the living room, turning on the light. Bracing your hand on the threshold, you paused.

It was considerably messy compared to the other parts of the house. A blanket was lazily draped over the back of the couch, the guitar laid on it back on the ground as if he had been playing it and put it there to come back to later. Records were scattered on top of the coffee table, alongside a book laying face down open. 

As you approach the bookshelves on the back wall, you run your hand along the soft blanket and carefully step over the guitar. 

Reaching for a book that had a red-brown leather exterior with silver foil details on the side, your ears perk up when you hear Joel coming down the steps. You remain still, running your fingers over the spine before pulling it out. You hear the floorboards creak as Joel gets closer and closer to the living room, the louder his steps get, the weight in your chest gets heavier. You remain still, not turning toward the entrance to acknowledge his presence. 

Seconds seem to pass by in hours, until you feel his warmth behind you. “You can borrow it if you’d like.” His voice shook slightly as he spoke, your breathing becoming shallow. No words would leave your throat. 

Quickly, you turn to face him, your arm dropping to your side with the book still within your grasp. Joel took a single step toward you, closing the already little distance between your bodies. You brought your hand up to the middle of his chest, placing the palm of your hand flat against him; his heart was beating fast. Out of instinct, your body stiffens, your eyes softening as you lock onto his. 

As you tilt your chin upwards, Joel leans in, his eyelids fluttering as the two of you become closer to one another. Your eyes remain wide open as you relish the sight, total relief overcoming you at what was about to happen. Your tortuous thoughts from earlier completely disappear and burn in the fire that rose in the core of your pelvis. It was just you and Joel right now. Right now that's all that mattered to you. 

Just as his lips met yours, your eyes fluttered shut. Bursts of colors explode beneath your eyelids, and at some point the book slipped from your hands, landing with a dull thud. His hands were all over you now, one fisting at the back of your oversized night shirt, and the other gently caressing the side of your hip. Joel’s lips were soft, his movement a lot more gentle than you imagined on the many nights you couldn’t sleep. Yet, he was still passionate and the intensity made jolts of electricity rush through your body.

You quickly pull back from him, both of your hands holding loosely onto his biceps. He went to lean in again, but you pulled back again. “Tell me you want me to stay,” your voice is barely above a whisper, smooth and alluring. There was nothing more you wanted than this , what was happening right now. After that first dinner with Tommy and Joel, that was the turning point for you and ever since then that– Joel seemingly wanting it as much as you did–it was all you could think about whenever you were around him or when you’d see him at the bar, or across the community. 

Joel’s hands glided down your back before he clasped them together. His eyes shift off to the side before returning to you. You could tell he was contemplating, just like you had earlier; doing this…is it right or wrong? The way his hands press into your lower back told you that he wouldn't be able to resist you, not this time. 

His throat bobs as he looks into your eyes, his eyes softening and his lips parting. No words came out as he leaned into you, placing his forehead on yours. 

Joel nodded and whispers onto your lips, “Stay. ”

chapter eighteen coming soon! (I'm being so fr too, I'm just bad at writing smut and I want it to be perfect so bear with me)

Chapters:

chapter one

chapter two

chapter three

chapter four

chapter five

chapter six

chapter seven

chapter eight

chapter nine

chapter ten

chapter eleven

chapter twelve

chapter thirteen

chapter fourteen 18+ MDNI

chapter fifteen

chapter sixteen

chapter seventeen

coming soon…

chapter eighteen 18+ MDNI

chapter nineteen

chapter twenty

chapter twenty-one

chapter twenty-two

chapter twenty-three

chapter twenty-four

chapter twenty-five

chapter twenty-six

chapter twenty-seven

chapter twenty-eight

chapter twenty-nine

chapter thirty

there will be more... I just have it outlined up to thirty chapters right now...

Thank you for reading! Reblogs and comments are greatly appreciated. ❥

Your head feels fuzzy, a tingling sensation quickly forms at the base of your neck as you swing your legs over the side of the couch, propping yourself upright. As the fuzziness intensifies and your head begins to spin, a small painful groan escapes from your throat and you slump back against the cushions of the couch, pressing the heels of your palms firmly against the sockets of your eyes. The pressure seems to soothe the ache a bit, offering you some sense of relief. 

Steadily sucking in some of the stuffy air, you take a few deep breaths, desperate to gain a sense of clarity before having to go on patrol. You desperately hoped the influx of oxygen would solve the painful state of your hangover. 

A soft snore causes you to drop your arms and open your eyes. Joel is sprawled out on the couch in front of you. One leg is bent, his foot firmly pressed against the concrete floor; the other leg is straight, his ankle propped up by the cushioned armrest and his ankle dangling just past the edge. He has one hand resting just below his ribcage, his shirt had become twisted against his torso at some point during the night, exposing a sliver of skin just above his pantline. You continue to let your eyes wander, your lips parting slightly as your mouth becomes dry. 

Another soft snore comes from him, drawing your attention away from his lower section, and you slightly smile to yourself, now watching his silhouette as a whole; specifically the smooth rise and fall of his broad chest. 

You let out a groan as you push yourself off the couch, tugging on the light pull of one of the lamps. You didn’t want to wake Joel–not yet. However, you wanted enough light to move around freely.

As the room illuminated, you looked toward Joel, partially afraid the much brighter light than anticipated would wake him. He remained still, another snore filling the silent room.

Running your hands along your face, you lightly slap your cheeks in a desperate attempt to wake yourself fully. You take in the now lit-up room before you as you turn slowly on your heel. Empty bottles of liquor lay on their sides, both on the coffee table and the floor. The records had been spread across the floor in front of the player that remained on. You slightly cringed at the fact, wondering how much power it must have drained from the generator.

Between the empty bottles and records, the events of last night flooded your memory. Joel holding you against his body, the steady sway of the two of you becoming one, the low vibration from his humming in your ear, his breath moist and wet against your neck.

A small shiver crawled down your spine the more you thought of it.

The rest of the night was a blur, honestly. The two of you drank…endlessly, apparently. And you talked–about what? You can’t remember. You don’t exactly recall when you laid down, if it was you or Joel who called it night, or how late you stayed up. And although patrol would surely be a bitch to do with your hangover, you weren’t entirely sure if you regretted any of it–the drinking, the dancing, the talking. 

You let out a drawn-out exhale, bringing you back to the present moment. Staring for a moment longer, you decide to tidy the place up. It’s not a crime that you and Joel were there–the forgotten building wasn’t owned by anyone–but it’d be the best if no one suspected you were there with him, alone. 

Starting with the bottles, you gather them up one by one; to hold them all, you end up having to use both of your arms, clutching them tightly against your midsection to keep them from clinking together and dropping. The hard part came when it was time to dispose of them in the bin. It was already half full with dozens of other glass bottles. Thankfully, you managed to keep the noise to a minimum.

Then you turned your attention to the records, stacking them how you remember James did at one point. The lone vinyl still on the player was returned to its respective sleeve, and the player was switched off.

For the most part, it looked as if the building remained untouched. In a few hours, the heavy scent of alcohol was sure to air out and then no one would know anyone had been there.

Turning away from the table that held the record player, now facing the entrance of the building, your eyes glaze up past the clock. Your heart drops as you process the hand positions and you look at it again. The clock reads half past eight, your stomach now twisting in a tight knot.

You and Joel were late for patrol. 

“Shit,” you spit the profanity through your teeth, rushing to your boots that sat neatly at the side of the couch. “Joel… Joel,” You peer up at him through your brows as you frantically lace your boots. The flimsy laces kept getting tangled with your fingers, and the fact Joel had not moved a single muscle, despite you yelling his name furthered your frustration.

Before your mind could process it, your actions becoming a blur in your state of mind, you were by his side, your hand slightly hesitating before gently shaking him. He let out a groggy moan which resulted in you shaking him a bit more aggressively. This time, his eyelids fluttered a few times before opening and narrowing at you in annoyance.

He incoherently grumbled something, bringing his hand up to his eyes and covering them. You glanced once more at the clock, turning on your heel toward the door.

“We’re late. Time to get up.” Your tone is sarcastically sweet as you grab his jacket from the coat rack and toss it toward him. It lands just short of the couch and Joel grabs it midair before it can fall to the ground. 

“What?” Joel asked in a low and heavy tone, his face twisting in confusion. 

Zipping up your jacket, you put one of your hands on the threshold of the door. “Patrol,” you simply state. 

Joel scoffs, standing from the couch and shrugging on his jacket. 

“What are you talking about, it’s only–” He starts and you poke your head in one last time, just enough to see him glance up at the wall clock. “Shit.”

–

Joel is trailing behind you as you rush through the town square toward the entrance. Your backpack straps keep slipping off your shoulders, so as to not waste any time, you decided to not adjust them properly against your body–you’d do it once you were on Lucky and past the gates.

 Joel kept whispering profanities to himself, trying to adjust his belt, the straps of his backpack, kicking at his loose shoelace all while trying to keep up with you; you wanted to tell him that doing that would only slow him down more, but decided to keep your mouth shut, and just focus on getting to your destination.

“You know, I’ve never overslept,” Joel calls out after you, his voice breathy and strained. “Not once.”

“Me either,” You respond somewhat bitterly. “Guess there’s a first time for everything, right?” 

Joel responds with an amused snort.

As you come closer to the stables, you see James’ back, in a conversation with one of the stable hands. Your lungs were now burning and the cool air was steadily making each breath feel like glass shards in your chest. 

“Fuck,” The word came out sharp. Joel let out a small hm, seemingly curious of your dismay.

You look over your shoulder at him, his hand is fumbling with the buckle of his belt–a sight you’d usually relish, but right now…all you could think about was James and whatever bullshit he was going to stir up now. You hate admitting this, you deserved to be scolded for being late. The thing that bothered you the most was the fact that James would be the one doing it.

Blinking once, then twice, you jut your chin in James’ direction. Joel quickly caught on, letting out an annoyed groan.

The stable hand made eye contact with you, his eyes widening before glancing away, focusing back on James; his mouth moving–saying something–and admittedly nodding. One more glance toward you, he then lifted his hand pointing a curled finger in your direction, trying to be subtle. As James turned, the other male quickly retreated into the stables. 

James was pissed, you saw it all over his face; his cheeks stained pink, his mouth set in a deep frown, and his eyebrows tightly knitted together. A fire burned in his bright blue eyes when he noticed Joel straggling behind you. 

You slowed your pace, a part of you wanted to go back to last night and live in that moment forever. You didn’t want to deal with James or his animosity toward you or Joel, you just wanted whatever was between the two of you to be done and over with; for the two of you to just pretend that you were nothing more than strangers.

Setting your eyes just past James on the wooden gate leading to the stables, you start toward him angling your body so you will just barely pass by him. If James was smart, given the past week, he’d keep quiet, not daring to make a move toward you. Sure he was a nice guy, like Charles said, but he had no idea how to take a hint–and when he finally got it, he acted like a child going and telling on you to Maria and Tommy.

Just as you are about to pass him, a breath of relief about to escape your lungs, James takes a step in front of you. The undesired closeness causes you to stagger back, putting a few feet between you and him. His nose crinkled as he squinted in the morning sun, shielding his eyes with his hand as he took you in. 

“You’re late.” He said quietly, his tone had no fluctuations and wasn’t portraying the anger previously portrayed on his face. If anything he just sounded bored.

Glancing over your shoulder, Joel stayed a step behind you, his hands stuffed in the pockets of his jacket. You could tell he was trying to seem uninterested in James, and maybe if you didn’t know him it would appear that way; but you knew James was one smart-mouthed remark from being socked in the face.

“Yeah, thanks,” was all you could manage to get out. You tried to step around him, but he reached out grabbing your arm, pulling you back toward him. Joel instantly came between the two of you breaking James’ hold of you and pushing him back. 

James frowned looking between you and Joel as he staggered backward, grabbing the fence to steady himself. “I mean that you’re too late,” he continued, peering past Joel and looking directly at you. “I already sent Drew and Nora to cover your patrol.”

“We’ll go out and send them back.” Joel grumbled, his knuckles white as he gripped onto the strap of his backpack. James shifted his stance, now looking at Joel. The anger showed on his face again.

“It’s too late,” he stated again, this time more firmly. “I’m sure you’ll find somewhere else to be useful today.” 

Before James could completely finish his sentence, Joel stormed past him, knocking his shoulder firmly into James’. James let out a small yelp, shooting a death glare in Joel’s direction. You didn’t move a muscle, watching Joel push open the gate with so much force it slapped against the wooden fencing, faintly mumbling something to himself that you couldn’t hear clearly.

When you look back at James, he’s rubbing his shoulder, his lips tightly pressed together. 

“It’s not like I just sent them off in your place, I hope you know that.” He said as he took a step toward you now that Joel was gone. His eyes locked onto yours. “I went to your house when you didn’t show up. You weren’t there so then I went to Joel’s… I tried looking for you, I didn’t have to do that.” He was shaking his head.

You just nodded, tugging on your bottom lip with your teeth. It seemed as if the longer you didn’t say anything, the more desperate looking James became. After glancing between the open stable doors and James several times, you walked past James. 

“Wait,” He called after you, and without thought, you stopped, keeping your back toward him. “Can we talk real quick?”

You let out a small scoff, rolling your eyes. “Now you want to talk?” You raised your eyebrows as you turned to face James.

“What? I–” His tone raised loud enough for you to look around. The few people lingering shot some glances toward you, a feeling of insecurity taking over. 

“Keep your voice down.” You abruptly cut him off, glowering at him, before he could say something you really wish he wouldn’t say loud enough for others to hear. He kept his face as hard as stone. 

“I don’t like us being mad at each other,” He said much quieter this time. His words nearly made your jaw drop and a flash of anger flooded your veins.

“Are you being serious, James?” You kept the same tone as before; harsh and dry. James cocked his head to the side, his eye darting between yours. “You tried getting me kicked off of patrol duty by lying and then you actively avoided me. I tried several times to talk to you and then it got to the point where Charles had to talk to you for me.” 

Embarrassment washed over James and he looked down at the ground, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “I’m sorry,” His voice was quiet but sounded sincere. “Charles did talk to me, and–and he made me realize how stupid I was acting. I’m–”

You stared at him a moment, running your tongue over the grooves on the roof of your mouth, your lips pursing as a result. His shoulders were hunched making him look small and vulnerable. You couldn’t tell if it was all an act and a way to get sympathy, or if he was truly just that; small and vulnerable.

“Are you only sorry because it backfired and you got in trouble instead?” You narrowed your eyes at him and crossed your arms. He glanced up to you, only to return his gaze to his boots.  

“I was upset–” His voice sounded weak.

“Then be a fucking adult and deal with it,” The words came out much harsher than you intended them to. James looked up at you through his brows, this time holding your gaze. You could have sworn you saw his eyes glistening with tears; the thought made your stomach go sour. 

James simply nodded before you brushed past him.

–

When you entered the stables, the stable hand whom you never learned their name immediately looked up from fumbling with one of the tangled hoses. A hint of judgment lingered in their eyes, tracking you as you walked in. As quick as the expression came over them, it disappeared, giving you a single nod, dropping the hose, and exiting through one of the side exits to the training grounds.

Embarrassment flooded your senses. Whatever he had been talking about with James, surely it was about you. Your eyes scanned the rotting wooden beams that needed replacement, biting down hard on the inner part of your cheek. 

Clattering from the back of the building tipped you off as to where Joel was and you made a beeline to him, distracting you from your embarrassment.

Walking down the aisle, you realized most of the stalls were empty and there were no other stable workers aside from the one that had been talking to James. You and Joel were the only ones there. Quite an uncommon occurrence, but not entirely implausible. Perhaps they were out loading hay from storage to bring back and considering how many empty stalls there were, a good majority had taken the horses out for rides.

When Joel finally came into view, he was throwing one of the saddles up and over onto Callus, a small grunt coming from his throat. 

“James was serious about not letting us go.” You yelled out to him as you entered the larger space. For a short moment, he stopped, only to continue, initially not saying anything in response. 

Walking up to Lucky, you ran your hand down her forehead toward her muzzle. She quietly neighed, pushing into your touch. A small smile spread across your face, one that quickly disappeared.

“I’m not staying here all day.” He eventually responded. You gave him a single nod as to say fair enough, and took a seat on a low wooden stool, kicking at the stray hay that sparsely covered the floor.

Once Joel finished, he took a seat on an overturned half barrel next to you. You gave him a sidelong glance before focusing back on the two horses. Joel crossed his arms, letting out an exhausted sigh.

“What the fuck is his problem?” He finally said. “We were never, I don’t know… on good terms, but since I’ve come back, he’s actively gone out of his way to be a dick. I just want to fucking–” Joel let out a low grunt, stopping himself from going further.

You sucked in some air while shaking your head. “It’s me, Joel.” You half lied, knowing that it's not entirely you; it’s because of how much time you spend with Joel that has James so pissed off. Joel narrowed his eyes at you, seemingly confused. “He’s upset with me, so he takes it out on everyone else. I wouldn’t take it personally.” 

You put your elbows on your knees and dropped your face into your palms. Joel’s eyes were burning a hole through you and you desperately hoped he wouldn’t press further. Surely by this point, he’s figured out that the petty drama you originally told him it was… was not just petty drama. 

Your head began to buzz, likely induced by a combination of your hangover and stress. 

Joel’s sigh caused you to give him a sidelong glance. It didn’t appear that he was too focused on you–it didn’t seem like he was focused on you at all in fact. It was good that he didn’t press further on the matter of James, because finally, things were moving in the direction you’ve been wanting to with Joel.

“We could go for a hike, take the long way to the outlook.” He suggested and leaned one arm on the knee farthest from you, shifting his body toward you. A hint of a smile appeared on his face; somewhat sympathetic looking, but you liked it when he smiled, no matter the cause.

“I’d like that very much,” You replied, returning his smile. 

–

Joel wasn’t kidding when he suggested taking the long way. This path winded up and down, around small hills and past fast moving streams. It took about twice as long to get there, but it was nice to get your heart pumping.

Naturally, Joel took the lead. It seemed like it would be a good idea for the both of you to burn off some of your pent up emotions, so neither of you said much other than the occasional direction from Joel or a random comment about the surrounding nature. 

The path you took today eventually led to the much shorter main path. When you finally arrived, you passed Joel who took a seat at the base of the boulder, opting for a seat closer to the edge of the cliff. The sky was clear today, bright blue and not a single cloud in sight. The air still has a chill to it, sending goosebumps up and down your arms and legs. Instinctively, you rub your hands against your limbs, trying to warm them up and cursing yourself for mindlessly forgetting your jacket on Lucky’s saddle.

“Here,” A warm voice appeared behind you and you twisted your torso to face the sound. Joel came up behind you, outstretching his jacket to you. 

You give him a small smile, shaking your head, which prompted him to quickly roll his eyes. Before you could reject him further, his jacket was already draped around your shoulders. He took a seat next to you on the cliff and stared out toward Jackson.

“I know I’ve already sort of told you this, but it's nice that you’re back.” You say breaking the oddly comforting silence. He snapped his neck toward you, a look of surprise took over his expression; a look that you just stared at with wide eyes.

“Yeah?” Joel replied breathily. “I don’t think a lot of people feel that way” He shook his head. 

Opening your mouth, you found yourself at a loss for words. You weren’t quite sure what to say back. Joel wasn’t exactly well liked in the community. He definitely wasn’t hated–by most–he was just…misunderstood, causing a lot of people to just ignore him. You knew firsthand how unpleasant he could be at times, plus you doubted he was ever around long enough to make any sort of deep connection with anyone. You weren’t even sure if that was something he desired. 

Joel cleared his throat, snapping you out of your thoughts. “But I suppose I’m glad one person does,” He immediately followed up, flashing you a smile and nudging you with his elbow. You just shrug, the corners of your mouth slightly turning upward. 

“When you were gone, I used to come up here quite often, usually after I got done with patrol. That was part of what James told Maria, saying it was unsafe and was a poor decision that he advised against,” You said, mimicking James’ claims in his tone of voice which made Joel chuckle. “Sometimes I’d stay a few hours, other times I’d stay until dinnertime. It was… um… this place was really the only place that brought me total peace, so I guess what I’m trying to say is thank you for showing it to me.” 

“What would I do out here?” He sounded curious.

You let out a long hum. “It depended on my mood, really. Sometimes I’d write, a lot of the time I’d read–it really made the time go by fast. Other times I’d just think. I don’t know, I just felt like this is the only place I felt like I could just… be me.” Your eyes were locked onto the edge of the cliff, your eyes frozen and unmoving.

“And here I thought all you did was drink with your friends who aren’t really your friends.” He joked.

You scoffed, half rolling your eyes as you shifted your attention to him. “Now that’s…complicated. I mostly tolerated them for Nessa’s sake. Sometimes they were fun, I won’t lie, but most of the time they were pretty–”

“Insufferable.” Joel completed your sentence, his eye shooting toward you with a petty smile on his face. You let out a low laugh, agreeing with him with a nod. A laugh escaped past his lips, one he quickly stifled with a dry cough.

“Remember how I told you I met Nessa at boarding school?” Joel hummed in confirmation. “Before Tommy found me…before I came to Jackson, all I could think about was her. Out of everyone I could have yearned for, I just wanted my best friend. I knew it wasn’t going to change the situation or make it any better, but…”

 You dropped your head and loose strands of hair now cover your face. 

“I love her to death, but she’s so different now. I never thought it would be in the realm of possibilities to see her again…now it just feels like the universe is laughing in my face.” You forced yourself to swallow against the lump that suddenly manifested in your throat. “She’s like a stranger and part of me resents her for that, and I feel like shit for feeling that way.” 

In your peripheral, you can see Joel staring at you, a blank expression on his face. Suddenly you feel stupid for expressing your feelings, ones that you should probably confine to your journal. You’d never confront Nessa about it, so what was the point of dwelling on them? 

“I’m sorry, you don’t…care. This is stupid.” 

“No, I’m…” He began. “People change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. Either way, a part of you will always want the old them back. Don’t apologize because I get it, trust me.” Tucking your hair behind your ears, you look at Joel. “Every time I come back, Tommy seems like a whole new person, it's always sort of a shock. I still think of him as my unresponsible little brother who can’t handle his alcohol or emotions for shit. It leaves me…stunned when I realize how much he’s grown and changed. And sometimes I miss who he was because he’s become so serious in a sense. I’m sure he has some of the feelings about me, perhaps Nessa does with you.”

You let out the breath of air you had been holding in and allowed your eyes to wander back to Jackson, roaming all over the different parts of the community. It seemed so small from up here. You narrow your eyes to where the stables are, letting your vision blur a bit.

“It seems like she hates me.” You say lazily. “I don’t know what I did that made her feel that way toward me. Am I that bad of a person?” 

“No.” Joel nearly snapped back, the word coming out quick and harsh. “You aren’t a bad person, not even close.”

Dropping your head slightly, you slowly turn your head back to Joel. He has his legs stretched out, leaning back onto the palms of his hands. His chin is tilted upward as the sun caresses his tanned skin. Your heartbeat quickens as you look at him, a feeling of breathlessness coming over you. 

You begin tracing your eyes along where his jawline would be if it had not been hidden by his salt-and-pepper facial hair. His adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed, his eyelids fluttering closed for a moment and a peaceful look overtaking his expression. 

You couldn’t stop yourself from taking his looks in. Rugged and worn down, but so damn attractive. 

Beads of sweat begin to form on his forehead. As one begins to slide down smoothly past his temple, your eyes lock onto the scar. Deep and twisted looking, yet small enough to remain unseen if you weren’t looking for it. Your stomach went sour the longer you looked, not out of repulsion, but because of how you received your own scar, the one identical to his. 

“Ca–can I ask you something?” Your mouth moved before you could completely commit to the question, causing you to stumble on your words. 

He raised his eyebrows, before opening his eyes and shooting a sideways glance toward you. Joel gave you a slight nod as to tell you to continue. 

“What's your scar from?” The words seemed illegal as they came out, causing you to slightly cringe. It was dangerous territory asking these kinds of questions nowadays. 

There was a hitch in his breath before he dropped his head. He drew in a deep, long breath as he peered up toward you. Immediately all you saw was pain in his eyes, a darkness that you couldn’t explain, but could understand.

“I'm sorry, never mind.” The words came out quickly as you wrapped your arms around your torso.

“No, no it's uh…” Joel responded, trailing off. He inhaled sharply before smoothly letting the air out of his nostrils. “A gunshot.” 

He nodded distantly, his thoughts leading him a million miles away from you. You waited for him to elaborate but it was apparent after a few long seconds of silence that was all he was going to offer up. You weren’t going to push him further on the matter.

You just nod, eventually pointing up to your own scar “I ask because I have one too…”

A complex look comes over him and he seems to hesitate, “How–how’d you…” His eyebrow twitched as he stumbled over his words.

“Same as you. It was a FEDRA soldier that I had been doing some work for under the table. I guess I pissed him off somehow and he came to my place in the middle of the night with a gun—with the intention to kill me, not sure why he opted for a gun when everyone would have heard, but he seemed upset enough to not care if anyone heard. One of his buddies followed him though, he and I had sort of an understanding of one another and we…we were close in a certain sense. Anyway, he grabbed the gun just as it went off…the bullet grazed me, some of the shrapnel from it hitting a metal beam also hit me, so…” You brought your index finger up to your scar, running the pad of your finger over the rough edges as you recounted the night of the incident, excluding many details from being spoken. The fear you felt when you awoke to a dark silhouette standing over your bed, the cold sweat that ran down your back, the feeling of the metal against your skin, the ringing in your ears after the gun went off and how days passed and it felt like you were trying to hear underwater, until it miraculously came back. After that night you never saw the soldier you fucked over, but his friend that intervened–you saw him all the time and he was adamant about avoiding any interaction with you. When he couldn’t avoid it entirely, he never looked you directly in the eye.

“Christ,” Joel said quietly, almost as if it was meant just for him. “Well… I’m glad it didn’t work out.”

You let out a near silent sarcastic laugh, turning your attention back to the view.

“Yeah, I didn’t always see it like that. After Houston fell… I didn’t have anyone; family, Nessa,” You shook your head. “I didn’t even have myself really, I was careless because of how bad I wished I was de–” You stopped yourself before finishing completely. Surely he knew what you were going to say anyway, but you couldn’t bring yourself to actually say it out loud. “I’m happy now that it missed, though.” Your voice sounded tight.

The chirping of the birds above filled the silence that took over. If you strained your ears enough, you could have sworn you could hear the soft murmurs of the bustling community below.

“May I ask you somethin’?” Joel suddenly asked.

“Of course.” You responded immediately, focusing on two figures approaching the front gate, most likely Drew and Nora.

He took a moment before following up as if he were deeply contemplating his question. The pause made you slightly anxious prompting you to look over to him. He was running his thumb and index finger over his chin over and over. 

“Why were you at boarding school?” The words finally came out and it wasn’t the question you were expecting from him.

“Oh geez,” You said breathily, your words portray how caught off guard you were. “Well, initially I had no idea why I was being sent away. My parents told me they wanted a school that would offer me much more than an education, but experiences as well. I was annoyed, but I was 15.. 16 years old at the time so I couldn’t do much about it.” 

You drew in a smooth breath of air, the feelings all rushing back to you and becoming overwhelming.

“A few weeks after the spring semester started, my mom flew me out… Nessa was in the room next to me, so that’s how we met. Immediately we became best friends, inseparable, really,” You continued. “I found out a bit later that the reason they sent me away was because they were having marital problems, they wanted to get their affairs in order before deciding if they wanted to continue trying or if they should separate… I guess they didn’t want me in the middle of all of it. I was so upset with them, I refused to come home for the summer and to add insult to injury, I refused to talk to them after that.” 

You paused to gather your thoughts, your eyes beginning to brim with tears. “The last conversation I had with my parents was May 15th of 2003, it was the week before school got out…I told them– I told them I hated them, that I wasn’t coming home. They tried calling many times, sending letters and packages, but I just ignored them.” The words came out weak, your chest burning with guilt.

It was like you could hear the silence on the phone between your parents and yourself all over again. You felt yourself caught between the reality with Joel and your conscious state in the painful memory of your final interaction with your parents. The realization hit you like a rock, sending your emotional state spiraling.

“Oh my God Joel,” The words came out between your heavy sobs; nasally and forced. You looked over at him with tears now streaming down your face, your chin quivering uncontrollably. “The last thing I said to my parents was that I hated them.”

Without any hesitation, Joel pulled you into his arms. His warmth engulfed you completely as you nuzzled your face against his chest. Your chest heaves as you let your emotions flow, a tightness completely taking over your chest, your muscles tensing and untensing under the emotional stress.

Joel ran his hand smoothly up and down your back, his chin resting gently on top of your head. His grasp on you was firm as if he was trying to convey to you that he wasn’t going to let you go, not until you felt like you were okay. 

The birds in the surrounding trees went silent, the only noise was your muffled sobs and the whistling of the gentle breeze. 

Joel squeezed you a bit tighter, “I had–I had a daughter…before.” He spoke, the words immediately piquing your attention, distracting you from your own pain. “Her name was Sarah, and she… she–I should've been there for her more, but I–” A deep sense of pain radiated from his words.

Joel struggled to speak. You heard his heartbeat quicken when he said her name and the pain in your heart only grew stronger. For you. For him… especially for him. He had a daughter before this, all the anger and resentment… it all made sense now. 

You untucked your arms from your chest and wrapped them around his torso, opening your eyes to be present. You were staring at the ground; rocks and leaves and sticks.

He cleared his throat, loosening his grip around you, but not letting go completely. With one hand he grabbed your shoulder, gently squeezing it, the other hand firmly planted on the middle of your back.

“Coming from someone who was a parent, they knew… know that you love them.” His mouth is hovering over your ear as he speaks. His voice is now more stable and clear than before. “No matter what you told them, they knew.”

read chapter seventeen here!

There was a small part of you that felt embarrassed about that night, your feelings had been put on full display, something that you didn’t think Joel was aware of up until that point. His had been too, which made you wonder if he was embarrassed about it as well– if he regretted revealing that part of him–and perhaps that’s why nothing had been said by him. Every time that thought resurfaced, it nearly sent you into a panic.

You kept having to reassure yourself, knowing him, if he had regretted it, things would not have stayed so… normal between the two of you. Joel still stops by your place in the morning, the two of you sharing breakfast and coffee before heading out for patrol. If anything, the two of you began spending more time together. On the nights you aren’t at Charles’, you and Joel spend together. Tommy would sometimes join, but when Nessa found out about it all of a sudden she needed Tommy home more. 

Although you told yourself that you’d stop drinking, it was the one thing you and Joel often did together. Wake up, patrol, drink… you had a nearly permanent headache, but for you, it was a small price to pay. You were finally content with the life you’ve created, even happy at times. 

James had been avoiding you since that day too. You truly intended to talk to him, not that what you’d say would make things any better, but you at least owed that to him; an explanation. Of the many times you tried, he’d either leave as soon as you were within a 20-foot radius of him and the times you caught him off guard, he’d simply walk away without a word or look directed at you. You missed your chance to talk to James, missed the opportunity when it actually counted, and would come off as genuine.

You thought of maybe writing him a letter, leaving it on his doorstep or with Charles to pass it on to him– that way you’d know for certain he got it, whether he ended up reading it or ripping it to shreds; at least you would know that you tried. Ultimately, the thought seemed insincere and cringe, so you decided just to let things be. 

The remnants of your actions haunted you enough as it is. Between the dirty looks you received from Heather and Aimee, the cold shoulder treatment you received from Nessa, and Dottie constantly asking why you and James never come over together anymore– you felt like all that was punishment enough.

“Why don’t you and James ever come over together anymore,” Dottie often asked some variation of this question crossing her arms and furrowing her brows.

With Charles grimacing in the background, pretending as if he doesn’t hear, you’d return Dott’s curiosity with your own variation of answers– our schedules don’t line up anymore, he’s busy tonight, I was busy with… You wondered if she pressed James about it every time he came over, wondering what he said in response. 

Your actions followed you wherever you went, the only time you had real peace was when you were either alone at home, or when you were out on patrol with Joel with no one else around. The constant stares you received from the other guards around your age left you wondering who had been running their mouths and how much of it was actually the truth. 

Jackson reminded you much of the small town you were from, at least from what little you remember of it. The sense of a close-knit community, for the most part, you could rely on each other, but when it came to the gossip… Everyone took what they heard as fact and had no issues spreading it around.

–

The night after you and Charles spoke in the isolated corner of Jackson BBQ, you went over to his house for dinner as planned. A nervousness fisted your stomach, making it twist and turn with every hesitant step you took toward his house. You wondered if James would be there; if Charles had told him of your company that night– 

Unsurprisingly, James had not come. You weren’t quite sure if you were relieved by this or if some part of you had wished had shown up. 

After the excitement of your company had settled and Dottie and Henry went to sleep, you and Charles sat in his study like the two of you used to do. Most of the time spent had been in silence, but you knew Charles had something to say. His face clearly indicated he was biting his tongue, forcing himself to swallow whatever words that had been filling his mouth, remaining unspoken. 

“James is a good boy, you know,” He finally spoke, his words coming out calm but a feeling of heat behind them lingered after the room returned to silence. You let out a huff of air. “He’s got a good head on his shoulders.” 

All you could do was nod; a nod with no meaning other than you didn’t want to leave what he said unacknowledged. What you really wanted to do at the moment was roll your eyes, and if it had been anyone other than Charles initiating this conversation, perhaps you would have. 

“And,” His voice shook as if he was unsure whether to continue, smacking his lips and taking a moment to ponder on his thoughts. You watched him carefully out of the corner of your eye, your body slumped in the firm sofa chair. You tapped your fingers along your thigh as you waited for him to continue. “Joel, he’s–”

At the sound of his name, you shot up from out of your chair before he could finish, beginning to take long strides toward the front door. Whatever he was going to say about Joel, you didn’t want to hear it. You endured the nasty comments from everyone too often, biting your tongue when all you wanted to do was shoot something nasty back at them. You wouldn’t hear it from Charles. 

As you opened the door, Charles came up from behind you, pushing his palm against the door causing it to slam shut. The sound vibrated through the house leaving Charles cringing and eyeing the children’s bedrooms. Although your hand remained on the doorknob, you hadn’t tried to open it again, standing still while your breathing became messy, your chest rising and falling rapidly. 

“Joel’s a fine man too,” Charles’ voice was dark as he spoke, but he was quick to release the words. His statement slightly caught you off guard, forcing you to face him slowly. You couldn’t bring yourself to look him in the eye and instead settled on staring at his shoes. “A lot of people here don’t get him and that’s– it is what it is, but he's a good man. He cares and a lot of people don’t nowadays.” 

You felt as if you were stripped bare, your mind and soul naked and completely vulnerable. All you could do was stare at the ground, how the shadow of Charles’ shoes met the raw grain of the wood and the gaps between each plank leading to an abyss of darkness. You couldn’t bring yourself to move, your shoulders tensing up to the point of pain. 

“Why are you telling me this?” Your voice was small. Putting his arm on your shoulder, Charles guided you over to the couch. The two of you took a seat in unison. 

“James told me his… suspicious the day Joel came back, and then you were wearing Joel’s shirt at dinner– let me finish,” His voice was calm, soothing your panic. You tried to butt in, demanding to know whatever James told him, but Charles made you listen. “As I told you before, I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I’ll offer you my thoughts, you can take them as they are.” 

Taking a moment to calm yourself, you nodded, urging him to continue. In, out, in… you guided yourself, the stuffy warm air barely doing anything to ease your breathing.

“Regardless of going about it the wrong way, you’re allowed to feel that way– you aren’t… you don’t belong to anyone,” He finally spoke, the reassurance running through you like a sip of cold water on a hot summer day. 

“I fucked up Charles,” You stated simply. “I should’ve– I should have actually talked to James, but Joel came back and– and–” You shook your head, coming to a loss for words, “I didn’t know if Joel would feel the same, and talking about it to anyone was just too much.  I– I don’t know. I thought I liked James, I really did, but when I saw Joel– and my heart, I just felt–”

The words rushed out of your mouth, you weren’t sure if any of it made sense. Charles nodded as he listened, though you weren’t sure he quite understood. You shrugged to signal you were out of words, left with nothing else to say as your breathing turned to shallow sharp inhales. Charles grabbed your hand, holding it in his, and ran soft strokes along your knuckles. You stared at your conjoined hands as he continued, it reminded you of your father, and how he used to calm you when you were in a panic. 

“Does Joel feel the same way?” Charles’ voice was monotonous when he asked. Forcing yourself to look up at him, you swallowed against the lump in your throat.

“Wha– what?” You narrowed your eyes at him, confused. Your heart began to beat wildly in your chest.

“You said you didn’t know if Joel would feel the same way,” he quickly responded, a hint of confusion gleaming in his eyes.

You brought in your bottom lip tugging on it continuously between your teeth as flashbacks from the previous night poured in. You hadn’t realized your wording, you should’ve been more careful. 

“I don’t know,” you quickly correct yourself. You weren’t entirely wrong, for all you knew last night was just… you let out a soft sigh at your own thoughts. “I don’t know if he does.”

A silence fell between the two of you and you became too aware of the soft ticking of the wall clock. Tick, tick, tick. It sounded loud in your ears, your eardrums seizing on each tick.

“Let me talk to James, okay?” he finally said. A weight instantly released from your tense shoulders, the lingering headache disappearing in an instant. Coward, a voice whispered to you, but you ignored it–at least tried to ignore it. 

“Please don’t tell anyone,” A heat washed over your face, your body folding in on itself, “about Joel, that is.” 

–

On this particular night, after a long day’s journey to an abandoned ranch and back, you and Joel found yourselves at The Tipsy Bison, tucked in the corner taking in drink after drink and going back and forth between playing billiards and darts.

The bartender for the night apparently was not very happy with how rowdy the two of you became over who won and who lost as well as how riled up you made some of the other guests for the night, to which he sent over Nora– out of everyone, her? You rolled your eyes, knowing she would likely report this back to James– to tell you it was time to wrap things up and go elsewhere. 

“Yours or mine?” Joel asked without fully clarifying what he meant, he knew you would know what he was asking. You jogged the few feet that separated the two of you, nearly tripping over your own feet before slowing down as he pushed against the door with his back and held it open for you. 

You took a moment to think as you stumbled out onto the porch, your hand lightly finding his wrist to grab onto for a short moment to keep you steady. He waited for your answer, slowly taking a few steps down, his torso angled towards you. You were humming softly to yourself as you sort through your thoughts, which were a blur even to you given your state. 

“Probably yours, because–” you started to say but stopped yourself mid-sentence. Joel completely turned his body to face you, now slowly walking backward in front of you. His face twisted in confusion. “Actually, I know a place we can go to.”

Joel cocked his head waiting for you to reveal the location.

The abandoned building.

–

The entire walk you were hoping to whatever higher power there was that the others weren’t there. You didn’t see them at the bar so that didn’t leave many other places they could be. You knew that Drew and James were both due to go out for an overnight run sometime this week to Teton Valley, but that still left Heather, Aimee, and Nessa unaccounted for. They wouldn’t go out there, not without James or Drew, you kept telling yourself–reassuring yourself–of the fact that the three girls were a bit wary of how far away the building was from the main part of the community, regardless of the safety each guard ensured as a priority.

It wasn’t a quick walk by any means. You had to walk past the cemetery and greenhouses to where a field lay bare. In recent months, Maria has tasked some of the community members to turn half of it into more farmland and the other half left to expand the greenhouses, but the work efforts have been slow, especially with the urgent help with harvesting. 

Past the field where the trees stand dense, there is a pathway, easily missed if you don’t know what you’re looking for. That pathway leads to the building and about a hundred yards past the building was the fencing that kept Jackson contained.  

Although it was hidden away from the community and not used for anything in particular, many of the guards as well as Maria and Tommy knew about it. No one ever explicitly said not to go to it, but many of those who knew about it seem to forget about it which is how it became the go to hang out spot for you and the others. It offered a sense of secrecy with safety and was far enough from the main parts of Jackson where you never had to worry about being too loud. 

The darkness crawled at your skin and a feeling of being watched hovered around you which seemed to help you sober up. Joel was behind you, only a few feet separating you from him. Occasionally you’d peer over your shoulder, mainly to make sure he was still there, in case you needed him for some reason. You could tell, even in the darkness, he was a bit hesitant about following you. 

“Where’re we goin’?” Joel asked for the fifth time as you passed the cemetery, each time he asked his tone became less and less patient. Regardless of his tone, the sound of his voice sent a calming effect to run its course through your body, settling your churning insides. 

“You don’t like surprises huh?” A faint smile formed as the breathy words came out of your mouth. It amused you to see him like this; fidgety like he had ants in his pants.

“No, not–” His voice conveyed to you that he was very clearly annoyed. You let out an overdramatic sigh which immediately shut him up. 

“You’re no fun,” You turned your body to look at him, narrowing your eyes at him as you stopped walking. He only stopped when there was about a foot separating the two of you. 

“Fun enough for you to spend your nights with me ‘parently,” he spat back almost immediately, a bit of humor and amusement lingering in his tone. As much as you wanted to fire back at him, you ignored his comment and started to slowly continue down the field. You could almost make out the details of the trees even in the darkness, meaning you were almost there. 

“Remember how I told you I would hang out with Nessa and her friends?” he nodded, falling into step right next to you. You paused before continuing, “I’m taking you to where we used to go.”

“And if they’re there?” The words rushed out of his mouth. The thought made a sense of anxiety fill your chest. 

“I think Drew and James are gone, but if the other three are there, then… we’ll find somewhere else to go.” You tried to steady your voice as you spoke. The thought of them seeing the two of you together, especially seeing you and Joel go to a place that’s so… secluded, did not settle well in your gut. 

When Joel didn’t answer, you looked up at his face. His lips were set in a thin, tight line and his eyes were hardened, locked on the gravel crunching beneath his boots with each heavy step. You pinned your eyebrows together, is he anxious? Anxious that they will be there, that they’ll see us, or anxious that it will just be us? 

You took one step to the side closer to him and gently knocked your elbow against Joel’s arm, catching his attention. His eyes widened as if he had been lost in some sort of mind-consuming thought.

“Okay?” You asked, desperate for some sort of reassurance that he was okay and this was okay.

He gave you a single nod, his body remaining tense. 

–

The lights weren’t on when you arrived at the crumbling building, a shadow of blackness surrounded it. Regardless of the fact, you still slowly peeked your head inside to make sure no one had been in there before trying the switch to illuminate the dark room. Even though they didn’t come on, you still flipped the switch a few more times, desperately hoping you wouldn’t have to go in blind. The building was relatively safe, but the dark still gave you the chills–the thought of something hiding, waiting to grab you– the fear still haunted you. 

You let out a loud sigh.

“The generator is a bit finicky,” you said plainly. The many memories of Drew kicking at it and cursing under his breath immediately resurfaced.

“Sure it’s safe?” he asked as he poked his head past the threshold of the door. Joel gently grabbed onto your bicep as he continued to survey the vast darkness of the building. His concern provoked a small breathy laugh from you. 

“Let’s hope,” you responded, half serious. Joel let out a throaty hum, not coming off as too enthusiastic. 

Joel followed closely behind you as you entered. 

–

You finally managed to get the generator that James somehow managed to get many moons ago to turn on and went around to the various outlets to plug in the string lights. Joel slowly walked around the perimeter of the room with his hands clasped behind his back, running his eyes along the walls filled with posters and pictures the gang had once put up, looking at the furniture all of you managed to take from the donation center somehow unnoticed or from the few homes that remained unoccupied. Though you were never on the best terms with most of them, a lot of memories had been created in this very room–times of peace and ease. Showing him this place must have felt almost as vulnerable as it must have felt for him showing you his spot. An ache began to develop deep in your chest. You let out a deep sigh, letting the ache escape into the air.

His eyes lingered for a good while on a section of the wall that had been solely dedicated to the Polaroid pictures that had been taken on the nights spent here. Bringing his fingers up to one that was stuck at an angle beneath another picture, he pulled it loose. From your quick glance across the room, you didn’t have to be next to him to know that it was the picture of you and James. 

James had both of his hands covering your eyes, a wide grin spread across his face. You had your hands wrapped around his wrists, your knuckles white as you tried to tear them away from your face. The longer you thought about it, you could have sworn you could hear yours and James’ overlapping giggles, Nessa yelling out ‘cheese’ before pressing down the shutter button. The ache formed once again, this time spreading from your chest to the pit of your stomach.

Without saying anything, barely provoking any sort of reaction from him, Joel turned and set it down on one of the side tables. As the picture left the tips of his fingers, his attention was immediately shifted elsewhere. Joel picked up one of the records from the stack piled on one of the small side tables, taking a seat on the worn and faded brown couch.

The distraction allowed you to swiftly sweep past the table, picking up the photo and slipping it into your back pocket to be discarded eventually. 

You came up to Joel’s side. Using the back of the wooden chair next to him to keep you stable, you bent over the side of the couch to the corner where the last string of light’s plug hung free from the outlet. The heat of his body clung to the back of your cold limbs and you leaned in, closing the distance between the two of you. Joel cleared his throat awkwardly, the sound startling you and causing you to fumble the plug, making it fall behind the couch. 

‘Sorry,” your voice was muffled as you reached your hand into the darkness, feeling around for the plug. A heat began to burn in your cheeks, spreading down to your chest, as you realized why Joel cleared his throat. You practically pinned him against the edge of the couch with your ass in his face.

You began to move faster, your fingers becoming tangled with the cord as you pushed it firmly into the plug. A small wheeze came from him as you straightened yourself, retreating a step back. 

“Sorry,” The words were now barely above a whisper. You raised your eyebrows, widening your eyes at him as you try to remain as neutral as possible. His eyebrows twitched as he finally brought himself to look up at you. You could have sworn his eyes glazed over the entirety of your body before eventually meeting your eyes. 

“Where’d you get these?” His voice was tight, guilty sounding as he changed the subject.

“Drew gets them when he goes into the cities outside of Jackson,” you responded, taking one step closer towards Joel, peering around his arm in the narrow space at the record he had been holding onto. “Most of them aren’t very good, but he picks up what he can find– I suppose it’s better than nothing.” 

He nodded very subtly, pinning his brows together as he flipped the record over, looking at the songs listed on the backside.

“And the player?” He questioned further. Joel must have heard the hitch in your breath with the look he gave you in return to which you turned on your heel, heading toward the couch sitting opposite from where Joel was.

“It was James’ father’s at one point,” You responded dryly, slightly cringing as you remembered how serious James was the night he brought it, making sure everyone– especially Drew– knew if it broke, there would be serious consequences. Joel said nothing in response, just going back to sifting through the various records.

The vibe completely changed from the time you left the bar to now–an odd sense of intimacy lingered heavily in the room. You needed a drink, just one to shake off this sudden awareness. 

Your eyes swept the room, landing on the old dented filing cabinet tucked next to the door. It was where the group kept all the alcohol each of you had been able to scrounge up as well as the collection of unmatching glasses that sat upon a tea cloth on the top. The filing cabinet was simply for safekeeping, you were desperately hoping that it hadn’t been emptied since the last time you were there. 

The broken handle was cold on your fingertips as you pulled on it. The drawer did not budge and you rolled your eyes, fully taking a seat on the ground so the top drawer was now eye level. You curse softly under your breath. Of course one of them would keep it locked up– probably Drew… greedy bastard, you thought.

You never noticed anyone locking it before, but then again, you had never paid that close attention–you didn’t need to. Running your fingers over the metal latches and then over the face of the lock, you pinned your eyebrows together. You’ve worked with this kind of lock many times before when you were still out on your own. They weren’t complicated locks, low security if anything due to them having a universal one-pronged key amongst this type.

Without any further thought, you pulled the small knife out of your pocket and flipped it open, ramming the tip into the keyhole. If you could just get it at the correct angle, it should just pop open. You didn’t care if the others knew someone had been in here. 

With a bit of jiggling, the shackle popped loose causing the corners of your lips to twitch slightly into a smile. Your eyes went wide as you opened the drawer–there was just as much, if not more than the last time you saw it. 

Rising back onto your feet, you look over your shoulder back at Joel who was still fully occupied by the record collection. His face was stuck in a deep sense of concentration.

Picking a bottle at random, you turned to face Joel shaking the bottle. The sound of the liquid sloshing against the sides and lapping over itself seemed to catch his attention as he snapped his head up, looking in your direction through his brows. 

“Want some?” you offered when he didn’t say anything, jutting the bottle out toward him. He narrowed his eyes, trying to look at the label– contemplating– before shaking his head and returning his attention back to the records. You simply shrugged before turning back around, flipping over one of the various drinking glasses on the top of the cabinet, and began to pour a generous amount. 

You kicked your feet at the concrete ground, dust and dirt dancing through the air, as you slowly made your way over to the other couch that sat across from the one Joel was currently settled on. Laying the entire length of your body sideways on the couch and resting your head on the padded armrest, you closed your eyes– just for a moment, you told yourself– holding your drink on your stomach with one hand and the other playing with the edge of one of the cushions where the stuffing began to leak out. 

When you opened your eyes, Joel was leaning over, placing one of the many records onto the platter of the player. Gently he let the needle fall onto the edge and pressed the button to turn it on. Music softly filled the room, the sound emitting from the speakers sounded muffled and scratchy, yet comforting and nostalgic. 

As Joel returned to his spot, leaning into the back cushion and widening his grin that didn’t quite reach his eyes, you caught his attention. Holding his gaze, you sat upright, downing the rest of your drink and resting the glass on the ground. 

“What?” He asked as you flashed him a toothy smile, your lips spreading thinly across your face as the corners reached your eyes and the second wave of alcohol hit your bloodstream.

–

The music began to flow through your veins, your body swaying without any coherent thought running through your mind. Spreading your arms out at your sides, you began to spin slowly and your body began to feel weightless; your surroundings and Joel blurring together with each turn. The air running over your skin made goosebumps dance up your arms and you let out a small giggle. You felt so free… so loose… so… happy. You felt like the person you had once been a long, long time ago.

Slowing your spin to a stop, you quickly became dizzy as you came to your senses, your brain struggling to comprehend that you were no longer going in circles. With the alcohol in your system, it made your body’s reaction twice as clumsy. Joel was watching you carefully, a small smile on his face, and appeared to be very amused by you. You began to tumble to the side, the opposite direction of any sort of furniture to stabilize yourself, as your feet tangled together. Joel lunged from his sitting position for you, looping one hand around your back, the other grasping onto your bicep.

“Woah,” The noise came out of you in a breathy whisper as the falling sensation subsided. Joel’s eyes were soft in the dim lighting of the room, the light reflecting off of his dark and ever-tired eyes. 

As he helped you back up to the stability of your feet, he kept hold of your shoulders. You could feel his fingers gently but firmly pressing into your skin making your heart skip a few beats. Through your still semi-blurred vision, you make eye contact with Joel, who is steadily holding onto your gaze. His face, complex as usual, leaves you completely in the dark about what might be running through his mind. The look in his eyes took you back to that night. 

You softly ran your hands up along his arm until you reached his biceps, hesitating to curl your fingers around them. Dropping your gaze from his, you run your fingers along his worn flannel, the fabric is soft under the tips. All you can focus on at the moment is the feeling of the fabric between your fingers and the warmth that radiates from underneath. Joel has yet to move a muscle since you returned his gesture, though you were almost positive you could hear the beating of his heart– deep and wild.

Slowly moving your eyes along his chest to the skin peaking out where the top few buttons were undone–his chest hair poking through– up along his neck and into his eyes. Something changed from a few moments prior, from early this evening. Your breath hitches as his throat bobs and his tongue darts between his lips.

As you began to part your lips, trying to find any words to say, Joel very slowly ran one of his hands up your back, finding a home at the base of your neck where skin meets hair. Very softly he ran his thumb over your hairline, over and over. He was looking at you, but it felt like his gaze had been deeper– deeper than whatever he saw on the surface. 

“I haven’t heard this song in a very long time,” His voice was quiet but hoarse, rattling low. You had to force yourself to swallow, your mouth and throat growing drier by the second.

Before you could muster up a response– even a reaction– Joel gently pulled your head into his chest. You didn’t protest, you would let him do whatever he wanted to you at this moment. His hand lingered at the base of your neck with your ear flush against his chest. Still, he softly ran his finger along your hairline causing a chill to make its way down your spine. Your heart felt as if it were beating outside of your chest and you noticed how deeply and fast Joel’s was beating in unison.

Joel took the lead as the two of you began to sway your bodies in unison, simply shifting your weight between each foot, very slowly turning in a circle. With your arms loosely wrapped around his torso, you began to run the fabric between your index finger and thumb again. This is the moment you’ve been craving since you were left on your own at the beginning of the outbreak– a sense of safety, a sense of companionship, anything other than the loneliness that rotted inside your heart for far too long– always too afraid to admit it, too afraid to get close to anyone for the next day is never promised. Sure, you caved into the intimacy of physical touch, but emotionally… you’ve never let yourself cave into that. But Joel… Joel was different. This was different. 

The longer the music went on, transitioning from one song to another, a calmness settled between the two of you, your bodies melting into one another becoming one. You hadn’t dared to move your head, afraid that he’d let go of you entirely if you moved even just a bit; afraid that this moment would end sooner than you desired.

As the record player sputtered to a stop, the music abruptly leaving the room empty and silent, you and Joel remained together, swaying back and forth. Joel’s heartbeat returned to a steady, comforting beat. He flattened his palms against your back as a way to tell you, don’t let go– not yet. So you didn't, you would remain in his arms until he was ready to let go. 

Without creating any distance between your bodies, you shift your head to look up at him, your chin firmly pressed against the bare part of his chest. He angled his head just right so he could look down at you. For a moment all you and Joel could do is stare at each other, as if the two of you haven’t stolen enough glances in the time you’ve known each other. Joel’s bottom lip was full of color and slightly swollen as if he had been chewing on it. You blinked a few times to bring yourself to the present moment.

“I missed you,” The words flowed out of you before you could think of what the consequences of admitting that would be. In the moment it felt right, you felt safe enough to admit that to him and you wanted him to know.

His face was set in stone, but a glimmer of something appeared in his eye and his shoulders appeared to relax as he slowly exhaled. It seemed like he didn't know what to say back. You didn’t care if he felt the same way if he missed you or even cared for you the way you do for him. All that mattered was that he knew someone had missed him, that his absence here mattered to you.

“You’re the only person who makes me feel sane,” You followed up in a whisper, returning the side of your face to his chest and tightening your arms around him. His heart rate picked up once again– deep and wild. 

read chapter sixteen here!

After greeting Joel with a tight hug, Tommy turned to you, not hesitating to pull you into his arms as well. The warmth of his chest stung your cold cheeks. When you let go of Tommy, Joel was staring hard and intensely; the look in his eyes was indescribable. Perhaps confusion or annoyance… or… you couldn’t quite put it into words. But as Tommy turned to guide the two of you to the table he already secured for the evening, a small voice emerged, echoing jealousy. Your eyebrows twitched. Why? You asked, expecting the voice to answer, but nothing came of it. Joel gave you a long stare as you passed in front of him, trailing behind Tommy.

Two chairs sit side by side across from a single chair, the table is secluded from the others and pushed up against the back wall. It was far enough away from the other’s that the buzzing noise of the many conversations happening at once wouldn’t infer with yours. By the appearance of the jean jacket carefully draped around the back of the single chair, it looks like you and Joel would be sitting next to each other. Before you could process his actions, Joel was pulling out one of the chairs, gesturing for you to take it. The gesture made you faintly smile, bidding him a small thank you that you doubted he even heard.

“Long day, want me to get a round?” Tommy immediately breaks into conversation, holding one of the handwritten menus in his hand and tapping in consistently on the surface of the table. There was a glimmer in his eyes as he shifted them between you and Joel, almost as if he were trying to tempt both of you into saying yes. 

“I’m fine,” Joel responded quickly, not looking up, his tone sounded dry. After answering, he turned his attention over to you. You just shook your head, tucking your hands under your thighs. You have got to stop drinking, you told yourself, deciding that tonight would be the night to start.

“C’mon guys, long day,” Tommy emphasized, looking as though the two of you betrayed him in some type of brutal way, “blow off some steam… let loose a little.”

“Well, I think she let loose a bit too well last night,” Joel said, a bit of laughter sneaking its way out of his throat as he finished his sentence. “And for me… I’m just–”

He didn’t finish, just going silent abruptly.

Thrown off by his comment about you, all you can bring yourself to do is nod as look ahead at Tommy, whose face was twisted up in confusion.

“You two were together last night?” He seemed surprised by the reveal of information. You wince as you look up from the surface of the table. Don’t put it together, Tommy, you silently wish to yourself, afraid he’d link what happened with James to… that.

“ Uh, well, I–” Joel stuttered as he tried to find the right words, he looked at you as if he was begging for you to say something.

“He just stopped by for a bit,” you responded for Joel, not entirely sure why he was so bent and struggled to explain. That was the truth, he had just stopped by. 

“And neither of you thought to come get me?” Tommy slapped the table lightly with the palms of his hands, slightly ducking his head and raising his eyebrows. “C’mon guys, I live… what?... three houses down? Five for you.” He pointed at Joel after the last bit.

You and Joel let out a forced laugh in unison, to which Tommy didn’t seem to realize wasn’t genuine. 

“As long as you guys don’t mind, I’m going to indulge,” He says, pushing off the table and rising to his feet. “James was a pain in my ass today, and of course he spent all day pestering me about…”

He trailed off, putting his hands on his hips and shaking his head, staring off at the farthest point of the building and narrowing his eyes. You watched as lines formed around his eyes the narrower they grew. Tommy appeared to be lost in thought for a moment before Joel spoke, bringing him back to reality.

“By all means…” Joel said as he reached across the table and grabbed the menu from Tommy’s place setting.

As Tommy leaves, Joel slides the thin piece of paper between the two of you to which you lean into him, his breath rolling off the side of your cheek. You could have sworn, as you mindlessly ran your eyes along the words on the thin piece of paper, not taking any of its meaning in, too focused on the presence of man next you– you could have sworn his focus was solely on you. 

“What do you usually–” You begin to shakily ask, your attention being directed elsewhere as you hear your name being cherrily called out over and over again in a sing-song tone. 

Before you can fully turn, Dottie is rushing up to you. Mud clinging onto the torn tooling of her princess dress, as she liked to refer to it as, leaving a trail of brown clumps behind her. Her gapped smile is wide and her cheek rosy as she flings herself over your lap, pulling you into a breathtaking tight hug. Joel flinches as he gets caught in the crossfire of the attack, Dottie hitting him firmly in the face with her plush doll.

“Well hello there little Dot,” you say as soon as she allows you to speak. It seems like a lifetime since you’ve last seen her and Henry, a feeling a pure guilt comes over you. You’d been avoiding going over to Charles like you had done for the past year purely to avoid James, unfortunately the kids and Charles got thrown into that mess . 

“Guess what, guess what,” her voice grew louder, begging for you to guess what . The smile showcased on your face began to hurt your cheeks. Dottie’s eyes grew wide in anticipation as you screwed your eyes upward, pretending as though you were in a deep state of pondering. “C’mon,” She leaned in as she spoke, urging you to answer quicker.

Hmmm, you brought your hand up to your chin, continuing the act.

“I’m…” She let her voice trail off as if that was a hint. 

“You’re…” You match her tone, although a hint of confusion slipped in at the end.

“I’m class leader for the next month, ” she practically squealed, her childish giggles finishing off her sentence. “I’ve been waiting for- ever to tell you.” 

The last bit further pushed the guilt, stabbing you right into the heart. Your smile quivers for a moment, almost completely slipping off your face. 

“Daddy said you’ve been busy keeping Jackson safe,” She follows up as she begins to brush her doll’s yarn hair with her fingers.

“That is so exciting Dot,” You beam at her, moving a strand of her knotted hair out of her face. She’s staring back at you, happier than ever, with a food stained smile– one that quickly disappears as her eyes dart over towards Joel. A wide eyed blank stare takes over.

“Who’s this,” Her tone is harsh, almost judging sounding. Though for her age, this type of reaction to a stranger, you assume, would be normal and knowing little Dot, she’d warm up to Joel as soon as her curiosity had been settled. 

“This is Joel ,” You say slowly, a smile slipping on your face as his name comes out of your mouth. You place one of your hands on Joel's wrist– the one that was now holding the menu. As you loseley wrap your fingers around him, you can feel the tendons in his wrist wriggle and tighten under the tips of your fingers. He clears his throat, forcing a smile and nodding. Dot continues to stare him down. “You remember Tommy? The man who helps Maria run the town meetings?”

Dottie breaks her eyes off of him for a second to look at you, slowly nodding her head. You give her a reassuring smile.

“This is his older brother,” you explain further, hoping the connection will ease her seemingly nervousness around him. She studies his face a bit longer, pinning her eyebrows together as her eyes dart around his face. Joel seems to tense up, looking off to the side awkwardly. 

Dot finally extends her hand, something that she has learned from you when you take her into town to bargain with some of the shop owners.

“I’m Dottie,” She said more confidently than she sounded previously. Joel gently and loosely grasps her hand within his large one, slightly shaking it. He doesn’t say anything in response which Dottie made it very apparent did not settle with her fine.

“Is this who you replaced James with? He’s… grumpy,” she leaned in and whispered to you, except it was not a whisper and Joel heard her causing him to let out a low chuckle, biting on his bottom lip to stop the noise from coming out. At least it amused him, you think as you cringe at the mention of James. 

“He’s just tired,” you say in an actual whisper, ignoring the part about James. Had he said something, you thought as anger began to pool in your chest again, in front of Henry and Dot?

“Little Dot said she thought she saw you,” A familiar male’s voice came up from behind you causing you to turn your torso towards him. Charles. “I didn’t believe her, but here you are!”

The last bit seemed loaded, a bit of hostility behind the otherwise seemingly innocent statement. You give him a welcoming smile as Dottie slides off your lap, hooking her arms around her father’s leg. 

“ Joel,” Charles' voice becomes deeper as he rounds the table. Joel simply gives him a nod and a slight wave. They know each other, you wonder before cutting your thought short, of course they know each other. “It’s been awhile, nice to see you’re doin’ okay.” 

“Likewise,” Joel’s voice sounds guarded as if the words struggled to leave his throat. 

Charles flashes a smile, a genuine one at that, which eases your nerves. That is until he asks you–

“Mind if we talk alone for a second,” Charles’ tone changed. Your eyes glance down to Dottie who is still clinging onto his leg, looking up at him wide eyed. For a moment everything around you goes still.

“Of course,” You try to steady your voice. As you shoot up from your chair, you and Joel make eye contact for a brief moment, a look of worry spreads across his face. You give him a small smile as to say I’ll be back, before walking past Charles to another secluded, empty table. Before following you, he instructs Dottie to stay with Joel and more specifically for her to be nice . The words make your lips curl upward. 

You can feel his presence as he comes up from behind you, pulling out the chair not across from you, but next to you. Placing your hands on your bouncing leg, you try to push down and steady it. 

“James says you’ve been…” His voice trails off, shifting his eyes upward. You dart your lips between your lips, wetting them as they had suddenly gone dry, “ busy. ”

You let out a scoff. Unbelievable.

“Busy doing what,” You inquire, cocking your head to the side. An obvious hostility hangs in your tone. Charles’ gaze softens, placing a hand on your arm. A blitz of different thoughts– things that James may have told Charles in your absence– rush through your mind. The tips of your ears began to burn.

All he does is shake his head. Slowly, but firmly.  

“I’m not here to scold you, or… or tell you what you should do. I just want to make sure everything’s okay,” He follows up with, his words somewhat calming you down. “It seems like one day the two of you were fine and then… then you guys are fighting, and– and you stopped comin’ for dinner.” 

Although he doesn’t explicitly say it, he knows something . Perhaps James confided to him his suspicion about you and Joel, that wouldn’t entirely surprise you. 

You didn’t know what to say, just shaking your head and dropping your head. There is a long bout of silence between the two of you. Chewing on your cheek, you try to think of what to say, if you should say anything, but words don’t seem to form in your mind. 

You let out a soft sigh. Charles straightens his posture as a nonverbal way of saying finally . 

“I’ll be over tomorrow,” Your voice sounds gruff, your throat unbearably dry. You can see in Charles’ face that he had been hoping for an explanation as to what happened between you and James, why the two of you were fighting, and why you suddenly disappeared. That just wasn’t something you could face tonight, you had no idea where to start and you weren’t even sure you wanted to expose your thoughts and feelings to Charles. 

All you received in response from him was a nod and a hazy alright , then the two of you made your way back over to Joel and Dottie. 

Dottie had been talking Joel’s ear off, making small and grand gestures with her arms with every word. Joel appeared to be overwhelmed by her never ending energy. His eyes glossed over, sitting slumped back in his chair dumbfounded. He must have felt your eyes lingering on him, as he darted his eyes to you. Joel’s eyes seemed to soften as he straightened in his chair, almost thankful to see you were back.

Charles pulls you into a side hug after Dottie finally releases you from her attempt of a bear hug. As he pulls away, his lips parting to say something, his eyes run down your arm, his eyes lingering at the cuff of the flannel. He glances once to Joel and then back to you, his eyebrows twitching which causes a sense of confusion to rise in your chest. You cock your head as if to nonverbally say what.

“We’ll see you tomorrow,” Charles says hoarsely before walking off. Weird.

Your tightlipped expression must’ve given your thoughts away as you take your seat. It was still just Joel as Tommy still hadn’t returned from getting his drink yet. A look of worry spread  across Joel’s face, just like it did when Charles asked to speak to you alone a few moments prior. A heat washed over your face with you beginning to feel awfully exposed due to Charles knowing something and you not knowing what that something was. 

“Everything o–” Joel began to ask, but stopped with the narrowing of your eyes. He cleared his throat, giving you a half-hearted nod. 

As you settled back into your chair, your head was racing with full, heavy thoughts; James was trying to rip everything from you, everything you cared about, everything that mattered to you right out of your hands, what am I going to do? You ask yourself. The heat has taken over your chest now, a familiar panicky feeling now eating away at you as your vision begins to blur. 

You hardly noticed when Joel rested his arm on the back of your chair– not touching you– but regardless the sudden heat radiating onto your shoulders made your heart suddenly flutter. Furrowing your brows, you glance over to him. Joel is unbothered, sipping from a glass of water and looking off into the distance, probably looking for Tommy who still had not returned. The sensation was enough to pull you out of your bordering panicked state, your thoughts were now occupied by the man sitting next to you.

Surely he just did it because he was in a cramped spot between you and the wall– he was the one who chose that spot, not you. Him putting his arm around the chair– not you– that was just him trying to stretch out, give himself more room. Right? You began to overthink, your mind jumping from James to Charles to Joel. 

James and Joel, Joel and James– they’re going to be the death of me, you think, your body and breathing becoming unusually still. 

As Tommy approaches, weaving between the tables with his hands full, Joel lets his arm slip away from your chair, opting for crossing his arms and leaning up against the wall. A chill runs over your neck causing a shivering to crawl down your spin. 

“ Je–sus Christ,” Tommy dragged his words out, setting the pitcher and glasses down on the table. “I was too embarrassed to say it was just for me, hence the extra glasses, but if either of you change your mind, you’re more than welcome to have some.” 

Your eyes moved from Tommy down to the pitcher with the bubbling golden liquid, your nose wrinkling at the memory of the taste of beer. Drew would occasionally bring down a keg to the abandoned building on the nights you’d spend with the others; his father was notorious for making his own beer, though it had been the most vile thing you believe you tasted. Although, his father’s had been a dark, malty beer, so perhaps the light beer would be different– if it wasn’t, at least it would provide the emotional comfort you needed after the long day you endured and the discomfort caused by yours and Charles’ conversation… and the impending doom that the Joel and James situation would inevitably unravel sooner rather than later , a small voice spoke for you in the back of your mind.

It had been like Joel read your mind, reaching across you to take two of the three glasses that sat on the edge, carefully filling them up before sliding one next to your hand that had been resting on the table. He tipped the rim of his glass, clinking it onto yours before dragging a fair bit of the liquid past his lips. I’ll stop drinking tomorrow, your breath hitching as you watch Joel’s lips caress the smooth edge of his glass. 

When Joel put his glass back down, still within the grasp of his strong, callused hands, he slowly turned his head to you almost as if he were trying to be subtle– not so you wouldn’t notice, but subtly so Tommy wouldn’t notice. Your fingertips found themselves slipping under the cool condensation clinging to the glass, swirling your fingers around, trying to ignore him. Seconds felt like minutes and he was still looking.

Finally, mocking his subtle movement, the two of you locked eyes.

There was that look again.

—

By the time the food arrived, your table had been down three pitchers, now starting on a fourth. To be fair, Tommy had been the main consumer, but neither you or Joel were shy to refill your glasses. A buzz began to fill your head, not pounding or throbbing but an enjoyable mind numbing buzz. 

“Nessa didn’t want to join,” Joel says simply, not as a question, just as a plain statement. You raise one of your eyebrows as you take a long draw of your drink, locking your eyes on Tommy. His facial expression doesn’t change but you can see the hesitation behind whatever excuse he was going to come up with, his throat bobbing as he gulps. 

“I invited her, but you know, she’s bu– busy” Tommy’s voice tightens up, his slip up on his words giving him away. Setting down his eating utensils, he lets out a defeated sigh, his shoulders rounding and his eyes dropping to his lap. He begins to slightly shake his head “I don’t know what’s been up with her lately.”

“Lately?” Joel repeats, scoffing as Tommy runs one of his hands down the front of his face. Joel’s comment provokes a wicked look from Tommy, his eyes darkening with rage and annoyance. 

“ Joel ,” Tommy says almost as if it had been a warning. 

Joel opens his mouth as if he were about to shoot something back, probably some asshole comment– not that Nessa doesn’t deserve it–but instead brings his lips back together just as quickly and clenches his jaw. You stay silent, slowly chewing the bite of food you just took into a fine mush. You had nothing nice to say regarding her and Joel hadn’t been wrong; Nessa’s issue hasn’t just been a thing as of lately . It’s her , just who she is now. The thought gives you a sense of sickening sadness in the pit of your stomach causing your previous hunger to diminish in an instant.

After another drink and more casual conversation between the three of you, your worries seemed to disappear. At least for the remainder of the night, you decided they didn’t exist. Tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll deal with all of it, you made a promise to yourself. For now, you just wanted to bask in the comfort that the company of Joel and Tommy brought to you– it reminded you of the day at the cabin when the three of you had lunch; Tommy got fish and berries, despite having an injured leg, for you all to feast on. It was the beginning of your new life, a life where you no longer had to struggle or be scared any longer. It was like that, but this time it was nicer; a real meal, you were more comfortable in their presence, more at ease. You could actually participate in conversation without feeling like your throat was closing in on itself. That time at the cabin all seemed so long ago, and so much has changed between then and now.

Your feelings have changed. The hate you swore you felt for Joel then has turned into something else. Though your confusion about him has not eased a bit. The longer the night went on, you began to not be able focus on anything other than Joel, specifically the look he has given you now twice today. 

Running the memory of the look over and over in your mind, analyzing it. The problems in your life were gone; James didn’t exist, your confusing friendship with Nessa didn’t exist. The only thing that mattered to you was Joel. 

—

After dinner and once Tommy had become properly drunk and started visibly disturbing those who remained at the restaurant, Joel decided to move things to his house, extending you an invitation you didn’t even have to think twice about. Of course you would come along. 

Tommy stayed a few years ahead of you and Joel as the three of you made it through the empty town square to your section of the neighborhood. Joel kept a steady yet slow pace, his hands tucked into the pockets of his jacket. You were still wearing his flannel from earlier— Joel’s flannel— the realization that the flannel was what provoked Charles’ reaction, making his thoughts behind the look he gave to you and Joel loud and clear. Shit, you cringe. Tomorrow, worry about it tomorrow, you soothe yourself again. 

Neither of you say a word as you walk side by side, Tommy’s soft humming fills the air accompanied by the chirps of crickets emerging for the night. In the moment, you craved to hear Joel’s voice– to hear the smooth southern drawl he tries to keep hidden. You clear your throat softly as the two of you exit the pathway now revealing your row of homes. The sudden noise coming from you causes him to turn his head. 

“ So, you know Charles,” The words came out choppy. It wasn’t quite what you wanted to say, but with as jumbled as your mind was, it’s what came out. 

“Not well,” Joel responds simply, no fluctuation in his tone. “Him and Tommy do repairs together around the community, I help out from time to time.”

Mmm, you hum in response. A light suddenly emerged from Joel’s house as Tommy entered, leaving the door open. The light spread as far as to the tip of yours and Joel’s toes. 

“Tommy told me you went on some trips together,” Joel started, “mainly just you and him. Maybe we–” 

He didn’t get to finish what he was about to say as Tommy’s voice echoed out of Joel’s house. 

“Where is it,” Tommy’s voice booms as he talks to himself, the noise of him running into things and knocking them over causes Joel to pick up his pace, leaving you behind. 

“ Tommy,” Joel's voice had gone tight. “What are you–”

You continued to listen as you started up the porch stairs, taking the steps slow.

“The guitar,” Tommy sounded exasperated, as if Joel should have known it was the guitar he was looking for. 

As you take a step through the threshold and round the corner into the living room, you pause to observe. 

Joel emerges from one of the connecting rooms, a beautiful guitar in hand. Tommy’s eyes light up as the instrument comes into view, prompting him to shoot up from the couch and meet Joel halfway. As he reaches out for it, Joel retracts a step, giving Tommy a precautious look. 

“Be careful with it,” Joel warns before extending it by its neck. Tommy nods as he carefully grabs it with both hands, tucking it between his torso and his arm. His thumb flawlessly floats over the strings sending out a melodious harmony. 

“Ya’ know what tonight needs?” Tommy’s voice is loud and his southern drawl becomes thicker and more slurred the drunker he becomes. Joel lets out a long, deep sigh, passing by Tommy. “Music.” 

You’re standing an equal distance between the living room and the front door, taking slow baby steps as you take in the interior of Joel's house. You wouldn’t necessarily call it messy, but it’s definitely lived in– especially for someone who isn’t there a lot of the time. 

There’s another guitar leaning up against the wall in the corner of the living room between the bookshelf and the cornering wall. The only difference between this one and the one Tommy had was the fact it was unpolished and missing strings. Joel made it? You wondered, not entirely unsurprised by the fact if he had. Your eyes then darted to the half empty bookshelves, mostly filled with books and other random objects. On one of the side tables, cassette tapes had been messily strewn as if he had been recently looking through them. You strain your eyes trying to make out the musician selection.

You didn’t know what you had expected his house to look like, perhaps some dark hole that represented the person he acted to be. But this– the intimacy of his home, the person it represented that lived in it– it showed you a different side of him, someone he had hidden from everyone apart from maybe Tommy. It was a side of him that you wanted to get to know. You wanted to be a part of that part of him. Your heart ached at the desire.

Completely distracted by your thoughts, you missed Joel saying your name only to have Tommy cover over to you, waving his hand in front of your face. You flinch out of habit, causing him to laugh.

“ Joel-y’s been callin’ your name,” Tommy blurts out messily, for some reason your heart skips a beat, your stomach becoming weak. You draw in a sharp breath that feels like glass shredding your lungs.

“ Sorry ,” your voice is quiet as you look past Tommy, meeting Joel’s eyes. He’s standing at the edge of the couch, fumbling with his hands. Something has changed in the air; a nervousness, a vulnerability, something, something, something. 

“Join me,” Joel’s voice was almost as quiet as yours, a hint of desperation lingered, before adding, “if you want.” His attempt to soften the request– his desire. You have to force yourself to move, to take the first step towards the couch. Each step feels like you have cinder blocks attached to your legs. The hardest part to ignore is the fact Joel is intently watching you as you come towards him. The never-breaking attention makes your stomach twist.

Joel only takes a seat after you do, the rush of air as he drops down sends a strong whiff of his scent to fully take over your senses. You can feel a spring tighten in your core, spreading in between your legs– an unprovoked foreign feeling that makes you want to squirm.

The couch is big enough for two people to sit comfortably, yet small enough to where your arms have already brushed up against each other with every subtle movement each of you make. You can feel a heat beginning to build around his and your own body, your palms turning sweaty and your mouth becoming dry. You try your hardest to come off unfazed, unaffected by this sudden shift between the two of you. Is it just me who feels it, you wonder, beginning to overthink. 

Joel’s elbow knocks into your forearm, an inaudible pardon me escaping past his lips like a wisp of air. You turn your head to respond, but the words catch in your throat when he looks at you– really looks at you, leaning back into the flattened cushions, spreading his legs, and crossing his arms. A fire burned in his eyes.

Third time, you think.

—

The seductive look in Joel’s eye made a hummingbird speed beat thrash in the walls of your chest, breathing suddenly became hard and you had to force yourself to manually take some breaths to keep yourself from passing out. Smooth, easy breaths, you guide yourself, not wanting to be too obvious, too vulnerable. His eyes were dark, inviting — inviting for you to stay, inviting for you to undress him, to touch him— and perhaps, if it weren’t for Tommy being there, in that moment, maybe, just maybe, Joel would allow you to fulfill every one of your desires. 

This had been going on for at least an hour; Tommy in his own world, walking in and out of the living room, walking around the out and drunkenly singing and playing the guitar. Then, there was you and Joel doing whatever the two of you had been doing. Between then and now, the heat that your body had been emitting became too much. You had to take off the flannel Joel lent you earlier as well as your hoodie, which both now hung over the round arm of the couch. Your shirt is stuck to your back’s sticky skin, the sweating drying as the cool air makes its way through the thin fabric. 

You hadn’t drunk enough to completely impair your thoughts or decision making, but just enough to not keep your thoughts on a tight leash. Letting your mind and eyes wander, you began to think about how Joel’s hands would feel on your body— how his rough calloused hands would send chills crawling up and down your limbs as he palmed at them. How would his body feel pressed up against yours and his tender lips would feel on yours— is he the type who likes it long and slow, or fast and rough. These types of thoughts made you unable to control your breathing, you were sure Joel could see the rapid rise of your chest. 

You watch his eyelashes flutter, hitting the darkness beneath his eyes, darting along your body and taking in every visible inch of you. Tommy is still strumming along brashly on the guitar, mumbling something that you can’t make out, and even though he was only a short six feet away at the entrance of the living room, it was all so distant. It felt like you and Joel existed in a different dimension of reality, the two of you on the same page without even having to say anything, just stealing glances at one another and each of you pretending like you don’t notice. Between your shortness of breath and Joel’s blotchy red neck, spreading down to his chest which you could only see because at some point in the night he undid the top few buttons— you knew that finally, he wanted you too. 

Joel darted his tongue between his lips, wetting them, and readjusting himself on the old, worn couch. As his grip along the edge of the cushioned arm of the couch tightened, he glanced over toward Tommy, who still had no care in the world and not noticing the tension that had risen and thickened the air. You notice an intense tinge of annoyance in Joel's expression, further affirming your thoughts. The realization made heat begin to pool in the pit of your uneasy stomach, a storm beginning to brew that you wanted so badly to be unleashed. 

You heard him subtly clear his throat, his throat bobbing as he waited for Tommy to react. It’s happening , you think to yourself. When Tommy’s show continued, you glanced over your shoulder at him in his own merry world as he made his way around the back of the couch. Joel then cleared his throat much louder, once more, this time catching the attention of Tommy. He juts one ear out toward the two of you as he rounds to the front of you, continuing to quietly strum the out of tune guitar.

Your eyes dart quickly back over to Joel, watching his calculated expression, wondering how he plans to essentially kick Tommy out so the two of you can— 

“I’ll walk you home,” Joel finally says, his voice soft and boarding on a whisper. You can feel your eyebrows twitch, his words send your heart sinking, caving in on its own desires. 

Damn you Tommy, you think selfishly to yourself, drawing your eyebrows together tightly not caring how obvious your surprise and disappointment is as you make eye contact with Joel. As you exhale, your breath is shaky. 

With your mouth slightly ajar to the dispiriting turn of events— although you weren’t entirely shocked — you give a small, single nod. The floorboard creaked under your weight as you unnaturally shot up from your sitting position, the jacket fumbling in your hands as you struggled to put your arms through the sleeves. Tommy returns to his drunken tune, his words still mumbled and jumbled together, but now they are much more present in your ears. 

“I bid you goo—“ Tommy walks over to you, struggling to sing, walk, and strum simultaneously. He stops for a moment, readjusting his grip and urging you to wait a moment by holding his index finger in front of him. You glance at Joel who is blatantly ignoring what's going on around him and zipping up his leather jacket. “Goodni—ight, I big you so long, I bid you goodnight.”

All you can muster up is a pitiful laugh, small and weak sounding. You pat him on the shoulder, giving him a half wave as Joel opens the door gesturing for you to exit first. You slowly make your way over to the ajar door, dragging your feet in the process. Joel grumbles toward Tommy to not go anywhere and he follows closely behind you.

The cold night air stings your face as you take the first step out. The sensation brings you firmly down to earth, away from your thoughts of Joel’s dark eyes, the way he licked his lips and looked at Tommy as if he wished he would vanish into thin air. This is reality, not whatever that was , you tell yourself, stuffing your hands into the pockets of your worn zip up hoodie.

As Joel shuts the door, you can still faintly hear Tommy singing. However, the chirp and rustling of the creatures of the night now dominate your hearing, the noise calming you like a lullaby. 

“He sure is the life of the party,” you break the tension as the two of you start slowly down the sidewalk leading towards your house. 

Joel lets out an amused scoff, shaking his head slightly. You turn your attention onto him, peering up at him with widened eyes. 

“He’s always been,” he follows up with, “least now I don’t gotta git’im from jail. Just can’t let him go home to Nessa like this… she blames me whenever he drinks.” 

All you can think to do as a response is laugh, coming out a bit more forced than you’d liked, but Joel doesn’t seem to notice— or at least he doesn’t make it obvious. 

It’s not a long walk to your house from his, although for you, with the feelings and desires running through your mind, body, and soul, it feels like an eternity. An eternity of silence at that as neither of you say anything.

You take the lead up your porch steps with Joel following close behind, his warmth radiating onto the back of your cold thighs. 

“Thanks for inviting me by the way,” you say without turning to face him, your eyes are locked on your boots. “That was… nice of you.” 

A second pair of boots appear just opposite of yours and you slowly tilt your chin upward, locking eyes with Joel. He has his bottom lip tucked slightly between his teeth. 

“You’re welcome anytime,” his tone is genuine.

You gave him a lazy smile and as you were about to turn, Joel's voice rang out again, loud and clear. The urgency in his voice almost made your heart stop.

“To answer your question from earlier,” He said slowly as if he were contemplating even continuing. Your hearing perks up, begging for him to hastily go on. He drew in a long breath, quickly exhaling through his nose before continuing. “You weren’t the entire reason I left. Tess sent me a signal, it was just… bad timing. I got it earlier that morning, didn’t know if I was gonna go or not.” 

“Oh, that’s uh–” You start, his transparency and the sudden change of the vibe throws you off a bit. “That’s good to know, I guess.” 

“There was more that I wanted to say earlier, I just–” His eyes hardened, before shaking his head, his lips pressing together into a thin line.

He let out a small yeah under his breath before completely going silent. A spider-shiver ran down your spine, you weren’t quite sure if the cause was from his confession or the cold that had been nipping at your neck, only becoming more intense the longer you linger outside. Shifting the weight between the heels of your feet, you weren’t quite sure to say. Sure, it was nice knowing – in his words– you weren’t the entire reason, meaning you were a part of the reasoning, but a part of you didn’t care. The moment you saw him in the trailer, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he was back. You weren’t lying to him earlier when you said it didn’t matter, it wasn’t rooted in anger– the reasoning just didn’t matter. 

“That thing doesn’t seem to keep you very warm,” Joel pointed out, extending his hand and running his fingers along the tattered edge of the hood that laid over one of your shoulders. You hadn’t realized you were shivering. 

Mmm , you hum softly, partially to buy you some time to return to your senses. 

“It does its job,” you respond shortly, before adding to your original answer. “Usually I layer up, I guess I didn’t realize it’d be this cold already.” 

“You could’ve kept the flannel I gave ya’,” As he spoke, his eyes looked distant as he looked you up and down.

Joel slowly slipped his hands back into the pockets of his leather jacket. Taking a deep breath in, you could smell the leather from the small, intimate distance that existed between the two of you. Old leather, a slight musk, and booze— somewhat comforting, in maybe a weird way, but nonetheless comforting.

Joel remains at your feet, continuing to linger. It's apparent he’s trying to waste time, trying to come up with an excuse to stay longer and not return to his drunk baby brother. At least ask to come inside , you think, or at least I can ask him to come inside. The longer either of you wait to speak,  your opportunity seems to falter. You couldn’t build the courage to get the words out because regardless of how many signs of his pointed to yes, a part of you couldn’t convince yourself you weren’t imaging it, nor could you get over the risk of being rejected; definitely not by him, you don’t think you could face that sort of humiliation. 

“Well,” You finally begin, the sudden sound of your voice causes Joel to snap his attention to you. You sharply inhale. “I suppose it’s getting late.”

Looking up at him through your browline, a small smile dances on your face. You notice Joel’s corners of his mouth twitch, a dark glimmer appearing in his eyes. Letting your hand slowly run down his leather covered arm, you make sure to let your hand linger for a moment, running your thumb softly over his knuckles. The sensation nearly gives you goosebumps. Give me another sign, Miller, you beg. As the tips of your fingers slip over the tips of his, you could have sworn you felt an electric jolt, sending a shock up your arm, warming you instantly. With that, you turn away from him, forcing yourself not to look back, and slowly open the door to your dark, cold and lonely house. 

The wooden threshold of the door creaks as you shift your weight, you can hear Joel sharply inhale, causing you to slow your movements even more. 

C’mon, just say it , you’re pleading at no avail, hoping that in this particular instance, that right now he'd be able to read your mind or subconsciously pick up on the feral essence of your thoughts. 

“ Um ,” his voice shook. For the first time ever, Joel Miller seemed nervous, uncertain about something he wanted to say. You smiled to yourself before turning back to face him, returning to your neutral expression.

“What?” You try to sound unknowing, narrowing your eyes in curiosity. Now or never, you pushed yourself, something fluttering deeply in your stomach.

By the sound of it, Joel sucked on his front teeth, taking a moment to look at the ground, you can see the twitch of one of his eyebrows as he draws them closer together. Your eyes follow his to the broken wood panels that you always had to be careful not to step on– needing someone to fix them. He taps the tip of his sole lightly on the pointed spears of wood.

You force yourself to swallow as your heart rate begins to quicken.

“Do you want to come in?” Your voice was low, and darkness lingered in it, the request almost coming as a shock to yourself. His eyes darted up to yours, that same darkness and desire igniting as they did when the two of you sat across from each other at lunch today, as they did at dinner tonight and in his living room. 

As you waited for a reply you could see the movement coming from his left jacket pocket, as if he were running the pad of his thumb along the tips of his fingers, over and over again, physically contemplating. You allow your eyes to jump around the different parts of his worn face wondering if he heard how shaky your exhale was. His expression was complex, yet telling– he definitely did not not want to. With his tongue in his cheek, he gave you a single nod— one so subtle you almost missed it in the dim light. That hummingbird beat in your chest returned, however much stronger and faster this time, and almost unbearable. 

The wooden panels creak under Joel’s feet, your eyes darting around your house as you flick on the switch that controlled the kitchen dining room light. A warm glow welcomes the two of you, the warmth matching the one which quickly grew in your cheeks and between your legs.

“So-sorry, for the— the mess,” your voice shook as you forced the words out, your mind in a frenzy as you quickly shrugged your jacket off, throwing it over the back of one of the chairs in the kitchen. The house wasn’t any messier than normal, but you couldn’t think straight and that was the only thing you could think of in the moment without being too straightforward with the conversation. This was different than the few times before, completely new territory and you didn’t know what to say or how to act– the feelings you had for Joel were different compared to the others. 

“It’s—“ he began to speak, until he was cut off abruptly.

“ Joel-y boy ,” Tommy’s sing-song voice echoed as he called down the street. Your face twisted into annoyance causing a slight guilt to spread through your veins. 

So close, you think while attempting to draw in a smooth, steady breath, your nails digging into one of your sweaty palms.

You turned quickly on your heel, not realizing how close Joel really was to you and you nearly crashed your face into his chest. His face is still stuck in a cringed expression and his knuckles turn white as he tightens the grip of his hand on the edge of the door, which he was about to close. 

As he turns to step back out into the porch, he loops his arm closest to you around your torso, firmly pressing his hand onto the small of your back. His touch causes a heat to pool in between your legs, sending a chill down your spine.

—maybe not , a faint smile appears on your face, his touch is reaffirming as he pulls you a bit closer to his body. Joel lets his hand linger as he pokes his head outside.

“What is it Tommy,” Joel’s voice is gruff, not attempting to hide his annoyance. He’s speaking to Tommy as if he were a child, interrupting the adults during an important conversation. A coldness lingers in his tone, a tone belonging to someone who is clearly saying leave me alone, which to anyone who was sober would surely pick up on. Tommy, unfortunately, had not though. 

“ Joel-y, ” Tommy slurs out his name again, finishing with a burp… or maybe it was a gag of some sort. You couldn’t tell. “I gotta show ya’ someth— woah .”

Tommy loses his footing for a short second, just long enough to send his shadowed silhouette tumbling back. Fortunately he catches himself against one of the old wooden rocking chairs on the porch, leaving the guitar unharmed; however you couldn't say the same about the chair. As Tommy rises to his feet again, some of the broken wood tumbles to the ground. Whoopsies, you faintly hear Tommy say. 

Joel lets out a loud sigh, his fingers twisting the back of your shirt into his fist. Fuck , the words escape past his lip, weak and quivering. The tightening of your shirt around your torso makes your stomach jump.

“It’s— it’s fine, Tommy, ” Joel stammers, “I’ll fix it tomorrow, just go back in the house, I’ll be–“

“Party’s moving over there?” Tommy cuts off Joel, immediately removing the guitar and propping it up against the exterior of the house.

“No— no ,” Joel says twice, the second time quieter as if it were only for you and him to hear. Though, the second no seems to carry a different meaning, perhaps a bit of regret and disappointment. You drop your gaze to catch Joel fumbling with the torn hem of the leather jacket.

Joel finally lets the back of your shirt fall loose, his hand grazing your hip. You lean into it without any thought, wanting to convey to him that you craved his touch, you craved him especially, but you wanted to say it without having to use your words.

With a bit of hesitance, Joel steps fully out of your house back onto the porch to which you turn on the porch light. It appears as if he was torn between returning back to Tommy or fulfilling whatever was going on in his mind with you. You knew what you’d do if it were you in his shoes— if it was Nessa up on that porch instead of Tommy.

“I’m– uh, I’m sorry. I’ll see ya’ tomorrow,” he says without skipping a beat, his head slightly lifting to look at you. “Try and- uh — try ‘n get some sleep.” 

All you muster up is a disappointed smile and a single nod, slowly closing the door— just in case he has a last minute change of mind— as he turns and side steps the stairs. 

So close, so fucking close, you think as you rub your temples with your two forefingers and walking over to your window and watching Joel walk down the middle of what used to be the street. His hand is firmly connected to the back of his neck, his head hanging low. 

Your heart is still beating wildly, the blood pumping in your ears caused purely by the thoughts of what could’ve just happened if Tommy had only waited a few more moments to come out front, or if you hadn’t hesitated so long on inviting Joel inside. The thought of where the two of you would be if the stars aligned– the bed or the couch, you thought, your eyes slowly meandering to the sad, sagging couch. 

What could’ve been , you thought, a warm feeling developing wildly in your chest. What could be, a smile forms. 

You lay wide awake for most of the night, the adrenaline lingering far longer than anticipated, leaving you unable even think about sleeping. As the night continues, you think about Joel telling you to try and get some sleep, wondering if he meant it how it came out. You wondered if he was awake thinking about tonight, thinking about you as you had been thinking about him. There’s no way he’s not… a part of you selfishly hopes he isn’t sleeping.

Somewhere between the present and the short moment the two of you shared in the corridor of your front door, your eyes fluttered shut and your breathing eased, allowing you to get at least a bit of rest before having to face everything you’ve been putting off as well as the man you wanted more than just about anything else in the morning. 

Someday, you thought lazily as you drifted off away from your conscious reality. Someday you’ll have him because now you know for certain— Joel wants you too.

read chapter fifteen here!

A fleeting feeling of intense nausea comes over you, as it does most mornings after you drink. You let a small moan escape past your lips as you run your hand over your stomach; you hate the feeling that you’re about to vomit more than anything. Rolling over onto your side, you nuzzle your face against the back cushion and pull the thick woven blanket further up your body to bask in the remaining warmth. The cold weather arrived early this year, leaving you shivering throughout the nights. 

The longer you stay cuddled into the cushions of the couch, the comfier and more relaxed you become, your limbs now feeling like puddles of liquid.  I’ll get up in a few minutes, you think to yourself, allowing your eyes to become heavy, not fighting your tiredness any longer. The swirling colors that the dim lighting of the room curated behind your eyelids begin to hypnotize you back to sleep.

That is until a loud thud comes from somewhere inside your house, causing you to shoot up from your lying position, still clutching on tightly to the blanket. Panic washes over you and your heart is beating faster than it has in a long time. You have your eyes locked on the staircase, straining your hearing for any indication where the noise may have come from.

God damnit, the quiet but gruff voice of a man causes you to quickly turn around toward the kitchen, more muttering follows, but you can’t quite make out what they’re saying. Just as you begin to take a small step forward, Joel pops up from behind the counter, tossing the paper bag filled with coffee grounds on the surface. He is very visibly frustrated, letting out a soft sigh. You find yourself to be somewhat confused, shifting your eyes just past him; the cabinet door is slightly ajar and two mugs sit side by side on the counter. 

As his head comes past the edge of the counter, the two of you immediately lock eyes, widening at your presence as if he were surprised. You’re in my house, you think. You toss the blanket onto the couch, only breaking eye contact for a few short moments. Joel’s mouth opens slightly, however nothing comes out. 

“You scared me,” You say quietly, yet relieved. Your heart still feels as if it were beating outside of your chest. 

“Shit, sorry,” His words came out as mumbled, resting his palms flat against the edge of the countertop and leaning his weight into his hands. He looks down for a moment, letting out a breath of air as you come around the back of the couch, situating yourself across from him. “I was tryin’ not to wake you.” 

Joel appears to be slightly embarrassed by the current situation, his cheeks very subtly stained pink and he’s rubbing his thumb over the laminate countertop. As the two of you continue to stand there, you can’t help but feel confused; confused as to why he’s in your house, not that you’re upset by the fact– just confused. Although, who knows what you potentially said to him, after James left, the last thing you remember is finishing off the bottle of alcohol while Joel quietly sat at the table across from you, babying the small glass he ended up pouring himself. You cringe at the thought.

“When did you become so… domesticated,” You say dryly, meaning it as a joke, jutting your chin towards the mugs, going up on your tiptoes to see the coffee ground that laid messily in a pile in the ground. It was hard imagining Joel as anyone other than who he’s shown you; a man who will kill to survive– do anything to survive– not someone who brews coffee in the morning for himself and his… whatever. 

Joel follows your gesture, bringing his hand up to his chin, rubbing it gently with his thumb and forefinger. You cock your head waiting for his response. Although you intended it as a joke, you were still curious. This wasn’t typical Joel, not the one you knew, or at least not the one you thought you knew. 

“Was tryin’ to make some coffee before we head out, but I hit my head on the cabinet door and dropped the grounds,” He followed up, gesturing first to the cabinet and then to the loose coffee grounds that were still scattered on the ground.  Joel drew some air before continuing. “I changed your kitchen light by the way, the one that kept flickerin’, nearly gave me a damn headache last night.”

“Last night?” You furrow your brows, the mention of it brings you a sense of impending doom, your stomach twisting up in knots. Closing your eyes, you let out a huff of air. “Right, last night.” 

Your voice sounds muffled. 

With your eyes closed, all you can see is tJames’ face and the way it changed from his sweet smile to a look of utter dismay. You feel guilty for lying to him and you thought that by drinking you could drown out that guilt, but now it’s the next day, you feel even guiltier and you feel like shit. This time, you’ve dug yourself into a hole you weren’t quite sure how you were going to get yourself out of. What do you even tell James? Sorry, the sudden return of a man who, for some reason, I cannot get off my mind and makes my heart flutter like it never has before, caught me off guard so for the time being I’m just going to tell you to fuck off. Please just give me some time and space while I figure things out. No, absolutely not. If it had been anyone else besides James, maybe. 

“Take these,” Joel breaks you out of your thoughts. He’s sliding two pills across the counter and then fills a glass up with water from the sink. “Maybe a shower will help too, you were pretty messed up when I left last night.” 

You let out a small hum, picking up the pills from the counter and throwing your head back, swallowing them at once. Joel continues to watch you carefully, running his eyes all over you. You raise your eyebrows at him, which seems to snap him out of some sort of daze. He clears his throat, turning to the now boiling percolator.

“I got our assignment today,” Joel says. The realization he is returning to patrol makes you happy, something you had been secretly hoping would be the case.

“The hunting sheds,” the two of you say in unison. Joel gives you a single nod, pursing his lips. You simply stare back at him.

The hunting shed was one of your least favorite assignments. It’s fairly easy other than the fact you’re out all day, climbing up and down steep hills. It’s more so tiring than hard, but it’s something that obviously must be done to keep the security of Jackson up to par.

“Yeah, hope you’re ready for a full day of fun,” His tone is sarcastic. You can tell he is definitely not looking forward to it either. 

You give him a very obvious fake smile, letting your palms drag along the counter as you turn to head for the stairs, desperately hoping this shower will be your saving grace from how horrible you feel. 

–

You take the steps downward slowly as you dry your hair with the already damp towel, only stopping for a brief moment on the bottom step when you see Joel sitting at the table. He has one of his ankles propped up on the other leg’s knee, a mug in one hand and the other is holding up one of the old newspapers you always leave on the table. He seems to be engulfed in whatever he’s reading, his eyebrows furrowing as his eyes dart across the page, reading it line by line. The massive stack of newspapers that were once neatly stacked on one end of the table are now messily strewn about.

Quietly, you come up from behind him, glancing down at the paper and running your eyes along the bolded article titles. This one you know particularly well after the many rereads you’ve done. September 13, 2003; Community Development Plan Completed, building is to start November of this year!; Jackson Men To Complete 2,350 Mile Kayak Trip, 2,050 Miles down with 300 Miles to go! A part of you wondered if they ever did complete their trip, and did they come back into town to the infected, or how exactly that all went down. 

As you pass Joel, your elbow grazes his bicep, causing him to jump, likely startled by your sudden presence; neither of you say anything. The chair he’s sitting quietly squeaks as he shifts his weight, while you make a beeline directly for the stove. As you reach for the mug Joel set out for you, he clears his throat, causing you to glance at him over your shoulder. 

You let out a small hm, prompting him to spill whatever is currently on his mind before turning back around.

“You read these often?” he says, the paper crinkling as he folds it back up.

“Most mornings… gives me something to do,” you respond dryly as you slowly fill your mug, stream rolling off the top and the moist warmth hitting the bottom side of your chin. 

“Seems like a lifetime ago.” He says in a small voice. The statement is so simple, yet seems loaded. 

“No kidding.” You say softly, you’re not even sure if he heard you. 

You turn around to face him with your mug in hand, giving him a tired look while you run your fingers across the tattered edge of the countertop with your free hand. There is no denying that you feel like shit. The shower didn’t help and you are almost positive the coffee isn’t going to do anything either. Your exhaustion must be obvious because Joel is looking at you sympathetically, carefully watching you as you stand leaning against the edge of the countertop. Taking a sip of your coffee, you look at him through the rim of your mug, the two of you meet each other's eyes. Joel quickly looks away, sitting up straighter in his chair and setting the newspaper down on the table. He lets out a deep sigh, using the wooden surface to push himself upright. 

“I’m gonna go get the horses ready to go,” He says while walking over to the sink and setting his empty upside down, then pulling a thermos out from the side of his bag. “Meet me at the stables in 15 or so… will that be enough time for you?” 

You nod your head, pulling your lip in between your teeth as he turns and walks toward you. 

Placing his hand just above one of your hips, you take a few steps to the side, to which he steps where you were once standing. The feeling on his fingertips against your side makes your stomach jump and you have to fight against your instinct to shiver. He fills his thermos with coffee, you staring at him, watching his face. He glances at you, you can see his throat bob as he prevents the percolator from dripping down the side of his container. The air is still. Your eyes dart down to his bottom lip which he is toying at with his teeth. Your heart begins to thump loudly in your ears, he’s making it hard not to imagine what it’d be like to be the one toying with it for him.

“I’ll see you in a few,” he says awkwardly, and you give him a shy nod.

The moment Joel leaves, you can feel your body relax, letting out a small huff of air. You mindlessly gather different supplies, making sure you have a lunch packed. As you’re doing so, you let your mind wander, how you were going to handle things with James, now that Joel is back. It feels wrong to continue things with James, especially when he’s not who you want– he was never who you wanted. 

Whether Joel feels the same way, doesn’t factor into your decision. 

–

The air is quite a bit chillier than you expected. This year the cold weather has come early, something that sort of threw the community for a loop. The town square is always already filled with people by 6am due to the increased workload in the gardens, making sure everything can be harvested before the cold gets to it. Today was no different, you could hear the bustling of the townspeople the moment you took a step out from your house. The murmurs make your ears buzz. 

You’re messing with the floppy straps of your backpack that always find a way to twist, not quite paying attention as you come out of the side pathway that separates your part of the community and the townsquare. When you finally look up, you immediately notice James and Joel and they are very obviously arguing. People start to slow down as they pass by them, confused as to what could possibly be going on between the two men. You are wondering the same. Did James say something to Joel? Would Joel really be that upset about something like that? You think, slowing your pace. You can feel your eyebrows draw together, your teeth clenching down hard. 

As people pass by, leaving an opening for you to look through, you then notice Nessa standing a few feet behind James as well as Tommy engaged in what seems to be a pretty intense conversation based on his active nodding and hardened facial expression with Maria. You feel your heart sink into your stomach. Continuing your slow pace, you observe the loosely formed group.

Nessa and you catch eyes, a fire is burning behind her eyes, before walking over to Tommy, tapping his shoulder, and gesturing in your direction. In unison, the four all stop their conversations, turning to look at you. They each hold a different facial expression. Joel appears to be heavily annoyed but his look softens when the two of you make eye contact, James looks nervous and mildly perturbed, Tommy’s usually cheery expression has been exchanged for an outright stressed one, and Maria looks concerned yet confident as always. The range of emotions make your stomach churn. 

As soon as you and Tommy make eye contact, he lurches forward, quickly approaching you with his hands stuffed in the pockets of his worn jeans. You stop in your tracks, hoping he can give you the run down of exactly what the fuck is going on. 

“You’ve been doin’ your patrol alone?” He doesn’t waste time asking, his voice is hushed not wanting the other around to hear. He places his hands on your shoulder and blocks you out of the view of the others. His usual kind, soft eyes are now intense and dark. 

Fuck, you think to yourself, parting your lips ever so slightly, not quite sure what to say. You kept Tommy in the dark about this, not wanting him to worry and honestly, it was better if he didn’t know. You explicitly lied when he would ask you about patrol or when you’d tell him peculiar stories about the events that happened out on patro, usually pulling someone’s name out of thin air whoever was your partner for that day. 

“James came to Maria this mornin’ with some concerns about you,” Tommy adds, anticipating your response, desperately hoping that James’ accusations aren’t the truth, or at least not the whole truth. His expression is pleading, darting from one part of your face to another.

As soon as James’ name rolls past Tommy’s lips, you dart your eyes over to him, who quickly tips his head down toward the ground, completely avoiding you. You can feel your face feel with heat which only makes the throbbing in your head to worsen, and chaos begins to brew in your chest. Fucking James. 

“Tommy,” you say, sounding outright guilty and round your posture. Sweat begins to pool in your palms, soaking into the strap of your bag that you were still tightly holding onto. He lets out a disappointed sigh, shifting his eyes past you. 

“Jesus Christ,” He says breathily, slightly shaking his head. He begins to knead his fingertips into your shoulder blade, taking a moment longer to think. You stare at him blankly. “Okay… we’ll figure this out, just tell Maria the truth, I’ll see what I can do after that… but she is not going to like hearing this.” 

“Yeah,” you say quietly in defeat, looking down at your feet before looking back up at Tommy. “I’m sorry Tommy.” 

When he finally looks back at you, he gives you a pitiful smile, one that quickly fades. Sliding his hand back between your shoulder blades, he guides you over to the rest of the ground. Nessa is still giving you a deathly stare, which annoys you because a few days ago the two of you were fine, you were laughing together over some old memory from your time as school girls. What changed so suddenly? 

You can see her mouth move, saying something just quiet enough to where you couldn't hear her with you still being a few yards away. Joel’s face twists up, twisting his upper body toward her. Don’t fucking say that, his voice is unmistakable, and so is the harsh intent behind his words. She’s very clearly biting her tongue, fighting the urge to shoot something back at him, but before she can make the decision to respond, Joel turns away from her, chewing on his bottom lip. You can see the anger boiling inside her as she sticks her tongue in her cheek, shaking her head. 

As you come up to the group, she scoffs, storming off into the opposite direction. 

“What’s going on,” you ask. Your body is facing Maria, but you keep your eyes fixated on James who still won’t look at you. 

“James’ had some… concerns regarding your patrols, would you be able to talk in my office? Me, you, Tommy?” Maria responds cooly, her tone seems hesitant yet confident. You’re sure this must be an awkward thing to do, the whole he said, she said situation. You force yourself to swallow against the lump of anger in your throat. 

“Of course,” The annoyance you feel hangs heavy onto your words as they come out of your mouth.

You glance between James over to Joel and you begin to follow Tommy and Maria. His eyes are intense and you notice the quick rise and fall of his chest. 

“I’m coming too,” Joel’s voice is loud as he tightens his grip around the bottom of his pack straps, taking a step forward towards you. A few community members who remained to watch, exchanged looks between each other.

Maria lets out a heavy sigh before turning around. 

“If he’s going, then I am too,” James quickly adds. You know he doesn’t actually want to be there, but if Joel is going then he must too. You roll your eyes. 

“Neither of you will be joining us,” She says firmly. “James, you already told us your concerns, I will speak to her, get her side of things and then I will handle it from there. And Joel… you haven’t been here, so I’m not quite sure why you are concerning yourself with things that you would have no idea about.” 

You slowly shift your attention from Maria over to Joel, who is clenching his jaw. He’s looking at Tommy who refuses to look back, kicking at the dirt and rocks with his hands back in his pockets. When Joel realizes he won’t be getting a response, he quickly turns on his heel, giving you an emotionless look, and heading towards the entrance of the community. James is quick to follow, tailing closely behind Joel. 

“C’mon,” Tommy juts his chin in the direction of the main building, reaching his arm out towards you.

–

It’s been a while since you’ve last been here. Everything remains the same, even the old dried flowers that still sit on the table between the two chairs in the center of the room. The morning glow illuminates the room with a warm glow, however the air is chilly. You have your palms resting on the rounded ends of the arms of the chair, slowly rubbing the back and forth. Maria and Tommy are standing in front of you; Maria is upright, her hands clasped together in front of her while Tommy is leaning against the edge of the desk with his arms crossed and shoulder slightly slouched. Even though you know both of them quite well at this point, it doesn’t stop you from feeling inferior, especially in the given situation. 

“So, what’d he say,” You impatiently ask, your tone portraying your emotions very clearly. You already knew, but you wanted to know exactly what he told Maria. 

Maria glances over to Tommy who returns with an awkward smile, unfolding his arms and pointing at himself. She gives him a single nod before he pushes himself upright, clearing his throat. 

“Well, he came to Maria this morning, while we were talkin’,” He starts, “said he’s concerned– you haven’t been following the protocol or proper guard etiquette…”

He trails off, looking at Maria through his peripheral view who is waiting for him to continue. Her eyes are focused solely on him as if she were urging him to go on, silently supporting him through this tough conversation. 

“He said something about you goin’ out, doing patrol by yourself,” Tommy finally finishes, a wheeze of air escaping past his lips before continuing, “‘n that he was concerned for your safety.” 

You let out an amused scoff, shifting your weight in the chair. Concerned with my safety, his excuse was laughable. You knew exactly why he was doing this and it wasn’t his concern.

“I didn’t call in yesterday, I’ll admit to that, because I get it… it’s my responsibility to do that, and it slipped my mind,” you say, your throat burning as you speak. “But he’s known what I've been doing for months.” 

Maria purses her lips and nods, walking over to the chair next to you and taking a seat. You turn your body towards her, waiting for her to say something. 

“And that’s concerning for me, knowing that I've put him in charge and he’s allowing that,” she simply says. It was hard to read her calm demeanor, something that made you feel anxious. 

You look at Tommy through your peripheral vision, he appears to be somewhat confused, staring at Maria. 

“He also said you’ve been staying out late, sometimes the entire day,” she continues.

You can feel your nose twitch at the mention of you staying out past your patrol, you force yourself to slightly smile, although you know nothing will cover up your initial reaction. Your breathing becomes shallow. You’re completely done for. There’s nothing Tommy can do that will save you from being taken off patrol. You knew the chances, but you never thought James would be the reason you were caught. Your brain is racing with thoughts, trying to come up with something in response that may cover your ass. 

Maria cocks her head and raises her eyebrows slightly, encouraging you to say something. Your mouth has gone dry. Time’s up, you think, letting out a small shaky breath. 

“There’s an outlook I go to somedays– well, actually, most days,” Your voice is small. “I go there after I’m done with patrol, after I call in, and I just… think, I don’t know, I just do whatever.” 

A feeling of embarrassment comes over you as you admit to your whereabouts. Telling them about the outlook feels shameful, and not for the reason that you aren’t supposed to be doing stuff like that. Them now being aware of a place that you connected with Joel through in absence made you feel sick, even if they don’t know that’s the reason why you went.

Tommy and Maria exchange looks again, this time her eyes softening. 

“I know I’m not supposed to be doing that, I know it’s dangerous going out by myself, I just…” You say with your head hanging low. “When I’m out there, it’s the only time I feel like myself.”

Mmm, Maria quietly hums. 

“About what happened at the dam–” She starts to say.

“Maria…” You abruptly cut her off, something you normally wouldn’t do, but you couldn’t listen any longer.“I don’t know what James told you, but I do my job. I do it exactly how I was taught and doing it by myself does not change that. I promise you I did not see anything out of the ordinary yesterday, otherwise I would have reported it the moment  I saw it.” 

You stare intensely into Maria’s eyes as you speak. It was the truth. You were good at what you did, whether you were alone or with someone else. Always being ready to go, ready to defend, ready to fight, to give your life if need be– it was all you knew in this new world, and you were good at it. You hadn’t made it this far on pure luck, anyone with a brain would know that. A one time mistake does not make that statement untrue and James all of a sudden coming forward with his concerns also does not make that untrue. 

You can feel the anger creep its way up your throat as you think of James’ pettiness, how all of this was because Joel was at your house last night. Sure, you can agree that lying to James about having plans was wrong, but it didn’t make it right that he did this in response. How childish, you think.

The sound of Tommy clearing his throat pulls you out of your deep state of thought. Both you and Maria shift your attention to him. 

“Maria, if you don’t mind, I was just thinkin’... with Joel being back,” Tommy says with a slight hesitation. He knew he shouldn’t be making any sort of suggestions without discussing with her first, but then again he promised he’d do everything he could to keep you out of trouble. This is him risking that to keep his promise to you. “There’s really no reason to punish her, ‘specially if James was the one allowing this, she took it as permission– him knowing, ya know… at least that’s what I assume. Her and Joel can just continue patrol together, then we take the rest up with James.” 

You can feel yourself exhale in relief at his suggestion, a part of you slightly surprised by him throwing James under the bus. Regardless of Maria’s decision, you were grateful for Tommy having your back, proof that the two of you really are as close as you thought. The two of you carefully watch Maria as she contemplates his suggestion, her eyes glaze over as she thinks.

She gives a slight nod to Tommy, who glances over to you, giving you a short lived smile before you turn your attention back to Maria. 

“You and Joel, never just you and never just Joel, is that clear?” She says, giving you a serious look. “Make sure you call in after every patrol, I do not want to hear any of this it slipped my mind nonsense again.” 

“Yes ma’am,” You respond affirmingly, sitting up straighter in the chair. “I promise.” 

“And you’ll be sure to pass that onto Joel?” Maria directs to Tommy as she rises from her sitting position.

“Yes, of course,” He says.

–

Tommy stayed back to have a few more words with Maria, telling you that he would be just behind you to talk to Joel. Don’t let him leave without talking to me first, he requested. You’re moving your legs as fast and they will allow you to move them, knowing your already long day has become even longer due to heading out so late now. On top of that, the animosity you now felt did not help with your headache and queasy stomach.

With the stables now in view, you see James standing out front by the wooden gate with Nora and a couple of the other guards. He’s using one of his arms to prop himself up as he leans against one of the wooden posts. Since you saw him earlier this morning, he’s had a complete mood shift; he’s laughing, his cheeks rosy with glee, his eyes soften as he jokes around with the others, lighting hitting the back on his hand against one of the men standing to his side. Seeing him like this, thinking he succeeded in his plan to get you in trouble, makes your heart skip a beat, a feeling of rage quickly taking over your rational thought. You begin to charge toward him, taking bigger and longer strides. 

The moment he sees you, the blood drains from his face as if he has just seen a ghost. His jaw tenses up. Perfect, you think. The closer you got to him, the more you struggled to keep the newfound deep hatred for him from exploding out of you..

“What?” You yell out to him, charging straight for him with blurred tunnel vision. “You surprised to see me?” 

Typically, you are not the confrontational type, but James crossed the line by going to Maria; putting the one thing you had that kept you sane on the line. Your anger hit a boiling point seeing him act as if nothing had happened and you didn’t care who heard what or who would be caught in the crossfire of it all. 

“Get ready to head out, I’ll be right behind you guys,” He quickly says. Nora and the others give you a conflicting look almost as if they were confused by your brashness towards James.

“Oh, that won’t be necessary,” You say to them, shifting your attention onto James when you are finished. There’s a bite in your tone that has made everyone in hearing distance stop in their tracks. “I didn’t get taken off of patrol duty like he wanted.” 

James’ face drops at your announcement, his face twisting up. He’s shocked– shocked that his plan did not work. Seeing him like this was priceless, though the only thing you wanted to do was shove that confused and wide eyed face of his into the horse manure that was scattered around the stable grounds.

“You didn’t?” He says quietly, staring at you with furrowed brows. You couldn’t miss the surprise in his tone. 

Your anger cools for a second and you take a step in closer, crossing your arms and looking up at him through your browline darkly.

“What the fuck was that about?” your words come out shakily as you try to act calm and collected. Your breath feels like it's coming out in flames. This was just meant for him to hear, you hushened your tone so no one, not even the shadows of his companions, could hear.

“I was concerned,” His tone is monotonous, not breaking eye contact with you. His chest was heaving at this point as he struggled to control it. 

“Bullshit, James,” You practically hiss through your teeth. “You’re telling me this has nothing to do with Joel last night?” 

His eye twitches at the mention of him showing up at your house. You can see his throat bob as he struggles to remain apparently unaffected. 

“You lied to me,” he says slowly. “Lied about you and Nessa, lied about you and–” 

“What’s goin’ on?” Joel calls out, coming out of the stable with Callus in hand. He gives you a look of concern before handing off the horses’ lead to one of the stable workers. James scoffs, gesturing towards Joel with one of his hands, giving you a sarcastic smile. His eyebrows are raised halfway up his forehead to tell you that he didn’t even need to say exactly who he was referring to.

Just as you open your mouth to speak, you feel someone rest their hands on your shoulders, lightly squeezing them, almost an nonverbal way of telling you to stand down. It’s Tommy, and he’s shaking his head, urging everyone to drop this. You chew on the inner flesh of your bottom lip, contemplating your choices. Narrowing your eyes, you take one step forward, Tommy’s hands now slipping away from you.

“Fuck you,” You whisper to James as you brush up past him, your shoulder firmly knocking into his. One of the stable workers opens the gate for you, giving you a firm nod as you pass by. 

“Yeah? Fuck me?” he responds, now raising his voice in a way you’ve never heard from him before. “After everything I’ve done for you, for being there for you– now he’s back you’re just going to pretend we–” 

Just as you begin to turn on your heel, Tommy cuts in and takes complete control over the situation.

“Hey,” Tommy shouts in a stern tone, cutting James off before he can finish. “Drop it, now. Maria would like to speak to you, tell your friends to go to the North tower, see if they need any help there today.” 

James looks dumbfounded by Tommy, almost offended by him obviously choosing sides. He remains standing at the post for a moment longer, staring at the ground with his hands kneading at his hips, before turning to face his friends. You could hear the unmistakable sound of his voice, unable to make out what he was saying to them with the distance you created. 

You watch as Nora starts walking back towards the main part of the community while the rest aren’t shy to hide their dirty looks from you. Initially, you didn’t care that much, not entirely bothered by their hateful stares, but it still somewhat hurt deep down inside of you. As angry as you were at James, it hurt you that this was how he thought to get back at you; how intental the damage that would have been caused if it hadn’t been for Tommy. Not being able to take the group’s lingering looks any longer, you drop your head to stare at the ground anticipating their departure.

“By the way, Charles has been wondering where you’ve been– Dot and Henry too,” James calls out from the other side of the gate. Now he’s the one who doesn’t care about who overhears. “Never quite sure what to tell them.” 

“James,” Joel growls. 

James head shoots in his direction, his reaction directly influencing Joel to take large strides over to the where James stood, the only thing separating the two is the rotting wooden fencing,  something that could easily be bypassed. Tommy immediately comes between the two serving as another barrier, placing his hand on James’ chest. James swipes at Tommy’s arm. 

“I’m leaving, damn,” He says quietly, giving a deathly glare as Joel and then you. 

Callus nudges at one of your shoulders from behind causing you to turn, James’ look burned into your mind. You’re doing everything you can to stop your lip from quivering, running your hand down the smooth snout of the horse which has come to comfort you. Joel returns from the fence, quickly fixing your twisted strap on your backpack. You can feel him staring at you from your side, but you keep your eyes forward, avoiding his gaze– afraid of what might come out of you if you were to look at him. Last thing I need is for everyone, especially him to see me cry, you soothe yourself, desperately holding onto what's left of your ego.

Tommy has now joined the two of you by the entrance of the main stable building, forcing you to face the two men now. Joel takes a step closer to you, your arms brushing  up against each other. 

“You know this already,” He says to you before fixing his eyes on Joel. “You two stay together, no one does patrol alone… I mean that, Joel.” 

Tommy glares at him until Joel acknowledges what he says. Joel gives a simple, single nod which causes Tommy to finally release a long breath of air, his chest very visibly falling. 

“Okay,” He says in relief, returning back to his normal self. “We’re still doing dinner tonight right?” 

Mhm, Joel hums along with a nod, his hands are stuffed deep in his pockets. 

“I’ll meet you there, ‘round 7,” Tommy replies. “Be safe.”

He gives your arm a reassuring squeeze before exiting through the stable’s fence gate and returning to the main part of town. Joel and you are left standing there for a moment. You aren’t quite sure what to say and by Joel’s expression he isn’t quite sure either. 

“Everything okay?” Joel is the first to speak, his tone somewhat dry. 

Is everything okay? You mock him in your own thoughts. You want to roll your eyes, instead opting for a blake stare. You pass him, heading into the stables to start helping the others where were in the process of readying Lucky. 

– 

Without exchanging any deciding words, you took the lead for today’s assignment. As per usual, leaving the horses at the old worn down barn that was treated as a halfway point between the community and the treeline that led to the dense forested area. The anger from the events of this morning clung onto you fiercely and no matter how much you tried to push it away, it clung on tighter. 

Joel was caught in the crossfire of these events. You weren’t mad at him, but that didn’t stop you from taking it out on him no matter how badly you didn’t want to. Between leaving the front gates to now, Joel tried to talk to you, tried making conversation. You're going to be warm enough with just that, he asked, gesturing to your hoodie tied around your waist. All you could get yourself to do in response was shrug your shoulders, not caring enough to even give him a second look. 

“I came over last night to talk to you about somethin’” Joel says, the words coming out weak through his tired breathing. Initially his words piqued an interest with you, but that faded just as quick as it came. “But-uh, didn’t seem like the right time once I was there.”

“And right now is?” You responded just as breathily. The never ending steep hill seems to have taken a toll on you– both of you.

“I’d rather get it over with, good time as any, I suppose,” he says, pausing as if he were waiting for you to give him the go ahead to continue. You felt like you had already given him your answer, letting him decide whether he wanted to go on or not. He cleared his throat before speaking again. “About what happened the day I left…”

“Jesus Christ,” you mutter under your breath, quickening your pace, trying to let Joel fall behind to avoid talking about that. Perhaps on any other day, as uncomfortable as it would have been, you’d be willing to talk about it, but not today… not in the state of mind you're currently in. “There’s nothing to talk about, Joel, I misread your intentions and… and it's been a year. We have a job to do, so let’s just get it done.” 

“That’s not–” He takes a deep breath, letting it out forcibly as if he were annoyed. “I tried stopping by your place before I left.”

“Stop,” you say with a bit more bite than you intended.

“I don’t want you to think–” Joel pressed on, truly determined to say whatever he wanted to say. 

“Stop it,” you spit. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It does now that I’m back,” he raises his voice to talk over you. “I want to make sure–”

“Make sure we’re good?” you interrupt him. “We are, so drop it.” 

The two of you come to a stand still. Joel’s chest is quickly rising and falling, his cheeks stained pink by the energy required to climb up the steep hill. A breeze picks up, sweeping Joel’s longish hair over his eyes; he pushes the strands out of way, still holding eye contact with you. 

Taking a deep breath as a way to cleanse your mind, an attempt to shake off this anger you feel, you begin to head up the hill again. This time slowing your pace to allow Joel to keep up without exerting himself too much. You both still had a long day ahead of you whether you wanted to be there or not. 

As silence ensued, Joel finally accepted that no matter how hard he tried, you did not want to talk to him that night. Although you didn’t want to talk about it, it didn’t stop random thoughts from popping up in your mind. You couldn’t build up the courage to make one particular thought known, to ask him the burning question that haunted you since he left. 

Joel managed to make his way to your side, his presence startling you from your deep state of thought. He didn’t say anything, just tightening his grip on his shoulder straps and giving you a quick glance. His jaw clamped shut. 

“Were you planning on leaving before…” You stop prematurely as the words rushed out of your mouth, the burning in your chest disappearing the moment you let the words enter reality. A shaky exhale escaped past your lips. Why does it matter, you questioned your own words, if he says no, then what? What does it change?

A nasty feeling overcomes you when he doesn't react, not even looking up from his focused stare at the ground. Nothing? You think, your throat begins to close in on itself.

“Let’s just get this done, I’m tired and my head hurts,” you say, your heart feeling like it shattered into a million pieces.

–

After your little spat with Joel neither of you speak  for a long while. A few task related words had been exchanged, but nothing beyond that. As the day ran longer and your mind returned to a neutral state, you felt bad for how you treated Joel. You felt bad for taking out your problem with James on him. 

“Sorry I was mean earlier,” you say quietly, picking at the sandwich you brought for lunch today. “Just the whole thing with James, you know?”

“You’re okay, darlin’” Joel says, the words coming out of his mouth smoothly, sending a blanket of warmth over your entire body. “James does that to people, I would know.” 

You force yourself to smile, although the guilt of how you treated him earlier when you were still seething with anger continued to eat at you.  

“Take this,” Joel added, causing you to look up from your food which you had balanced on one of your knees. He pulled out a neatly folded flannel from his backpack. It turns out that the hoodie you brought was in fact not warm enough, and between your shivering body and your chattering teeth, it must’ve been obvious. “You’re makin’ me cold just watchin’ you.” 

You mutter a small thanks to him as you meet him in the middle, taking it from him without any rebuttal or hesitation. As you slip your arms through the baggy sleeve, Joel’s smell engulfs you. Your heart flutters, quickening its pace, and your stomach twists into a knot. A smell that you couldn’t quite describe beyond comforting and one that warmed to the core, more warmth than any jacket could offer you. 

“You said you had some stuff to wrap up in Boston” you ask, trying to continue the conversation from earlier and receive some sort of answer from him. Your mouth became dry as you chewed slowly on a small piece of stale bread. “What’d you have to do?”

“A friend, her name’s Tess,” he begins, his words coming out slowly. You remember Joel mentioning Tess once before, a long time ago. “I’ve known her for a while– met her on  the road with Tommy after the outbreak happened.” 

“I remember you mentioning her,” you say, carefully watching his expression for any changes.

“Yeah, she’s-uh badass… real badass,” he responds, his eyes lighting up. Not good, you tell yourself as a feeling of jealousy washes over you. “I wasn’t planning on being gone so long, but she needed help finishing up some deals, tried convincin’ her to come out with me, but she wanted to stay, so…” 

You could see a hint of smile as he spoke about her and then a bit of sorrow at the end. 

“You love Tess?” You remember asking him before if they were together, a part of you wondered if that had changed between then and now.

The question catches him off guard. 

“No,” He immediately shoots back, his face twisting into a complex expression you couldn’t quite read. “No, no… it’s not like that. We’ve been through a lot together though, and– and I guess sometimes that has blurs the lines a bit.”  

You didn’t know how to respond to that so you let the conversation come to an end. The faint song of birds soon fills the air giving you something to listen to as you think over his words over and over again. He doesn’t love her but he feels something for her, you think, the jealousy stabbing into your stomach repeatedly. 

“I don’t mean this in a…” He starts, stopping a moment to think, “are you sure Nessa’s your friend?” 

The mention of Nessa amidst all of the mess Joel witnessed this morning provokes a laugh from you. You have to bite your lip in order for you to stop and answer his inquiry.

“After this morning, I have no idea,” You tell him nothing but the truth. “We were friends a few days ago. What’d she say?”

Joel shook his head, his eyes lowering to his hand which had been fumbling with the edge of a paper bag that held the jerky he brought along.

“C’mon,” you egg him on. By his reaction, you knew it had to have been nasty and knowing Nessa, you weren’t surprised. You knew how she could get, the things she came up in her mind to say about people who crossed her the wrong way. Though, you never thought you’d be in her line of fire.

“It doesn’t matter,” he shook his head again.

“Why are you protecting me?” His resistance causes you to become annoyed. “First with James, now this.” 

“James?” He says almost as if he had no idea what you’d been talking about.

“At the stables,” You try to cool your tone, now trying to come off nonchalant. “When he tried to provoke me about Charles and his kids, and even before….”

Joel scoffs, a sense of embarrassment hidden behind it. 

“I’m not protectin’ you, I– I–” he stammers and throws the half filled paper bag onto the base of his bad. “It doesn’t matter what she said because it wasn’t true.”

You force down the rest of the food you brought along, not necessarily because you wanted to but more so because it gave you something to do while Joel sulked. The usual Joel that you knew too well returned, and he became standoffish. You didn’t pay much mind to it because something told you that his little mood swing wouldn’t last, so all you could do was wait it out. He put up with my mood earlier, I guess it's only fair if I do the same, you told yourself, stealing glances of the slouching  man sitting adjacent from you.

Joel suddenly his throat, catching your attention.

“What do you do when you aren’t on patrol?” His words came out dry, but seemed genuinely curious. 

You let out a puff of air. A whole lot of nothing, you thought and what you wanted to tell him. Nothing important or worth talking about. 

“I drink with some friend,” you state simply, letting your voice falter on the last word. Joel picked up on your intonation of friends, narrowing his eyes.

“Friends?” He nearly mocked you perfectly. “Who?” 

You have to bite your tongue from letting out a small giggle. He should get a kick out of this, you think. 

“Don’t laugh,” you say, looking at him through your browline, a small smile appearing on your face. “I spent quite a bit of my evening with Heather and Aimee, Drew too… and Nessa of course, that whole group.” 

You very specifically left James out of that out of spite, but you were sure Joel would include him as he was a part of that group. Joel, of course, laughed, nearly choking on his water that he just took in from his canteen.

“I told you not to laugh,” You broke out into a smile as Joel wiped his mouth clean from water and saliva. “Besides, there’s not that many people to choose from.”

“There’s enough people to not choose them,” he quickly rebuttal in a joking tone. You just shrug, mainly because he wasn’t wrong. “I’m assumin’ James is apart of that mix too.”

“Yeah, James is there too,” Your face drops. At least he was, you added just to yourself, Or at least I was, you corrected yourself knowing that the gang would choose him over you in any instance, including Nessa.

“What happened between you two?” He asked genuinely, cocking his head to the side as he studied you. “Is he your–”

“Friend I suppose,” You cut him off desperately wanting him to disassociate you and James as being that. “Just a friend.” You weren’t sure if you clarified for him or more for yourself. “Just some petty drama, hopefully it’s over now.”

That seemed to satisfy Joel’s curiosity because he didn’t press any further or ask more questions regarding your friends.

As you pack up your things, now in a much merrier and less hangry mood than before lunch, you catch Joel watching you. Not watching you in a way that he had in the past. It was almost as if he were stuck on you, unable to peel his eyes off of you even if he wanted to. The shift in the air made butterflies form in your stomach at his consistent attention, you tried to ignore it until you couldn't. The two of you lock eyes as you meet him at the base of a rocky ledge.

“What?” you softly ask as you unbunch your many layers of clothes under the straps of your bag.

“Hm,” he half-consciously responds as if he didn’t entirely grasp onto what you just said.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” you expand your question further, causing him to blink quickly a few times as if it were bringing him back to the present moment.

“Like what?” he frantically darts his eyes along the ground, furrowing his brows.

“Like–” you begin to say, but the words are stuck in your throat, unwilling to be heard. With your heart fluttering, you continue. “Nevermind.”

But regardless, you saw it in his eyes. 

You saw it.

–

By the time the two of you make it back, the sun has nearly fully set for the day. Your legs hurt, you’re tired, and you’re hungry. The staff who had been there when you left had now all gone home leaving you and Joel to put all the equipment and horses away for the night.

“You hungry?” Joel asks, grunting as he picks up one of the saddles to be put away.

“Very” you drag out the word, letting the exhaustion fill the word entirely. 

“Why don’t you join Tommy ‘n I for dinner,” His voice is quiet, slightly nervous sounding. “Goin’ to Jackson BBQ, best BBQ in town.” 

“It’s the only…” You begin to say, your exhaustion not allowing yourself to pick up on his joke, only stopping once you realize.

He gives you a slight smile which causes you to stop for a moment and take in his offer.

“I– I don’t want to intrude,” You say quietly, though you want to say yes a million times over. “I know how much he’s missed you, so…” 

“He admitted that?” Joel asks with a smirk, wiping his hands off on his already dirty jeans and taking a step in front of you. 

“Not in those words, but…” You smile, lowering your head to hide your face. Joel lets out a hearty laugh. 

“Well, I want you to come,” He follows up with a laugh still lingering in his voice. His emphasis on want made you flinch, not in a bad way, but his directness catches you off guard. When you finally look up from the ground to look at him, he’s eyeing you nearly identical to when you had packed up after lunch. Your breathing hitches. “He won’t mind.”

Joel adds the last part after a few moments of silence between the two you, the soft neighs of the horses and rustle of the wind fill in the spaces.

You draw in a deep, slow breath; the cool air burning your lungs.

“Okay,” You finally agreed.

read chapter fourteen here!