#fantasypredictions

Ladies and gentlemen! I give you….THE REAL FUCKING REFS!!! It could seriously not come a moment sooner. It's not just the unbearablly slow play due to indecision, or the completely ridiculous blown calls (unless of course you blindly hate the Packers so much that you disagree, in which case you are an idiot). Folks, I am talking about welcoming back everyone's favorite effeminate referee, #94, Mr. Mike Carey. I am more ready than you can imagine to once again get my weekly dose of this guy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJSD5IftkHI

Ahhhh….things are back as they should be. Life goes on, and onward we roll into week four, where fantasy football will no doubt continue to prove to me that everything I think I know in this world is completely and totally wrong.

Week 3 Storylines:

Jamal Charles Blows Up - This week, beyond all others, was THE week to keep Jamal Charles (RB - KC) on your bench in place of some other shitty guy. Unless, of course, you wanted to win your matchup, no questions asked. Jamal blew up for 233 yards rushing, 6 receptions for another 55 yards, and a touchdown in a shocking victory over the now 0-3 Saints. Can he keep this up? Only so long as you keep him on your bench, of course.

Matt Shaub Sparks MVP Discussion - Matt Shaub (QB - Hou), also likely on someone's bench in your league, was once again magnificent, throwing for 290 yards and 4 touchdowns! The Texans are now 3-0, behind the leagues top rusher, Arian Foster, one of the leagues strongest defenses, and now a QB who seems hell bent on claiming "elite" status. Remember when this team was everyone's sleeper pick to make the playoffs for like 4 consecutive season just a few years ago?

Tom Brady & Aaron Rodgers Continue to Look Average - Hey, remember when you decided to forego a running back in the first round, because there was no way these guys weren't going to put up huge points each week? Ouch. While they will both undoubtedly right their respective ships at some point, 3 weeks into the season, fans of unstoppable offensive machines must be scratching their heads.

Kevin Kolb Puts Up Startlingly Decent Numbers, as the Cardinals Take Down Another Top Seed? - Could it be? Has the prodigal son returned to Arizona? Has the bench-riding $63 million man become the quarterback every Arizonan hoped he could be? Kevin Kolb (QB - Ari) was literally booed by Cardinals fans as he came off the bench for the injured hit-or-miss starter John Skelton….moments before he led the game winning touchdown drive that brought him back to relevance. And now, suddenly, he looks oddly like a quarterback. This game, folks. I swear…

Torrey Smith Unimaginably Plays Game Hours After Brother's Death, Rips Patriots Apart - Torrey Smith (WR - BAL) had something to prove, and with 127 yards and two touchdowns, it was proven. I cannot imagine how hard Sunday had to be for Torrey Smith, and hopefully I will never have to. However, I do imagine that I would probably want to do anything I could to take my mind off of that kind of pain for a couple hours, so I certainly don't fault him for playing. In the end, he caught two in the end zone in honor of his brother. One of the more inspiring stories of the week.

Four Separate Games Go Into Overtime! - If Matthew Stafford's (QB - Det) hail mary touchdown pass in the closing seconds of regulation to tie the Lions' game against the Titans doesn't remind you why we watch this sport, then you are lost my son. Yup, it's 40 days wandering the desert for you. Good luck. For everyone else, holy shit…bring on WEEK 4!!!!!

Week 4 Picks - 

Ravens over Browns  - DISCLAIMER: Its late Thursday night, I already watched this happen. But come on!!! Anyone who picked the Browns in this true battle royale clearly likes losing money. Seriously, DO NOT EVER BET MONEY ON ANYTHING AGAIN. 

Lions over Vikings - Calvin Johnson (WR - Det) has one (1) touchdown reception so far this season. By contrast, this time last year he already had SIX (6)!!! This is the week Matt Stafford and Megatron find their groove, and bring the 2-1 Vikings back down to reality.

Niners over Jets - Can you say quarterback controversy??? Just kidding (hopefully). Although I must say the Jets offense once again looks as mediocre as it has the past EVERY SEASON SINCE MARK SANCHEZ HAS BEEN QUARTERBACK. Niners rebound from shocking loss last week, and remind everyone that the west coast is the best coast.

Peyton Manning Hits Groove At Home - Looking pretty human the last several weeks, Peyton Manning (QB - Den) will once again spark the "He's Back!" discussions, by laying a nasty aerial assault on the unsuspecting Raiders. Hopefully nobody gets stabbed in the parking lot (take it easy Raiders fans, jeez.)

Andy Dalton Continues to Prove Gingers Can Play Football, Defeats Jaguars - The controversial 1984 decision that allowed red-heads to play in the NFL was, at the time, called forward thinking by many, and a "giant mistake" by others (was it really that long ago?). But the so called Brian Scalabrine of the NFL is proving to be a surprisingly effective quarterback in just his second year. Who wouldda thought they could throw like that?

Rodgers and Brees Combine for 1,000 Yards Passing - Not really, but seriously This is the week these two quarterbacks remind everyone who was setting records last year, with crisp, efficient touchdown drives. This will be a shootout.

Other picks:

Demaryius Thomas

Brandon Lloyd

Kyle Rudolph

Phillip Rivers

Tom Brady

Calvin Johnson

Andre Johnson

Darren Sproles

Mikel LeShoure

Willis McGahee

Jermaine Gresham

Note: If you googled the aforementioned 1984 NFL Ginger Decision when you read that, please kindly ask the next person with whom you speak to slap you.

Last week, the traditionally elite quarterbacks underperformed! Well, except for Drew Brees. Well, I guess it depends on your format, but nonetheless! Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady, and Peyton Manning took nose-dives surely leaving some owners with a loss, but luckily, this guy doesn’t have any of them. Or maybe, that’s unlucky…well time will tell. Hopefully, those of you who had the above list also had the running back powers of C.J. Spiller or Trent Richardson or both, or Hakeem Nicks or Victor Cruz (if you had all four, I fear you), as they all dominated the field last week. But what about next week? Well, I have no clue because I can’t see the future and fantasy seriously fucks with my emotions, but here are some of my top picks:

Martellus Bennet: I called it! Bennet, a former Roman general, is a beast, catching seven passes for 72 yards and a touchdown last week. Granted, the Giants had to play catch-up, but playing Carolina tonight could put them in a similar situation as Cam Newton and his weapons will surely put up major points. Also, with Nicks out, that means more targets for this up-and-coming TE. Speaking of the Giants…

Andre Brown: Bradshaw is out and the Panthers allow an average of 146.5 yards on the ground. Wilson could be a factor, but I doubt it. Last week, this dude was pretty exciting to watch and could be a breakout star until Bradshaw comes back. And while we are on the topic of first-string injuries…

Michael Bush: He’s the guy now that Forte has a high-ankle sprain. And because Jay Cutler is pretty much a major asshole who looks like a piece of frowning shit, I would highly recommend picking up Bush. I love Marshall and he really helps Cutler look like Tom Brady, but we all know he isn’t. Now Jay, go home and stop being such a fucking baby.

Mike Wallace: I mean, did you see what the Dolphins did last week to Oakland? Thus I would play ANY Pittsburgh player. You can thank me later.

Seattle vs. Green Bay: You can check out my blog to see the full run-down of the game, but this one will be exciting. Seattle is stepping up to the plate and actually looks good for once. With Green Bay losing to San Francisco, but beating Chicago (duh), this looks like a good middle ground to see where their team lies. Plus, Russell Wilson does some major work, and he may just throw the ball underneath Clay Matthews for a first down, like he did last week against Dallas.

Baltimore vs. New England: Last week both teams lost, although they were projected to win. Joe Flacco blames the scab refs, and I do too. Also, the whole rivalry thing and being on Monday night will surely make this an intense game. I’m not sure who I want to win, but Bill Simmons predicted a Baltimore/Seattle Superbowl, and I would really like to see that. And see Seattle win it all.

Written by Dean C Robertson