#fantasmical

i know I've talked to friends about it and keep repeating the same shit and I'm sure people are tired of hearing it and me being mopey, but i just wanted to make a post and talk about my cat. he meant a lot to me and i miss him. you don't have to read it. honestly it's more for me than anything.

shadow was a super sweet cat. he was very loving, and anyone who met him loved him, even people who said they hated cats loved him. not that he gave you much choice mind. you would sit down and he'd come over and plop down in your lap and start purring. you wouldn't even have to touch him. he was just always happy to be involved.

his purring was very loud. like you could hear this cat from the room over he was that loud. he had the most distinct chirpy meows i have ever heard from a cat and i loved them. you look at him or say his name, he always gave that chirpy lil meow to respond back.

i first got shadow back in 2010. one of our other cats had him, and five others. he was the runt of the litter too and used to be so small, whenever he got closed out of a room, he could pull himself under the door. he just loved being included. he was born on august 9th, 2010 (8/9/10).

back in 2015, shadow had started coughing a bit and having trouble breathing to the point that his mouth was wide open. i immediately freaked out and ran him to the vet. as it turned out, shadow had asthma. which... was something i didn't know cats could even get. he got put on medication and he was doing really well the last five years.

i had a big move back at the beginning of 2018 and had to move across the country. of course i took him with me (and his brother as well). so shadow got to see a few states and he got to travel. which makes me happy. i ended up moving back and couldn't keep them with me, so i asked a family friend to watch over him. she did and he was doing great. got to go see him and everything. well the beginning of this year i moved into my own place again. shadow seemed to be doing just fine. and when i came home from work monday night he was just sitting there, mouth open and looking at the ceiling. i gave him his meds and he seemed to get better.

i fell asleep and woke up the next morning and he was laying on the ground, mouth wide open, breathing heavily with a puddle of drool around his mouth. i freaked out when his medication didn't work and rushed him to the vet.

honestly the vet was probably the best vet I've ever been to. i called ahead and asked about billing since I'm broke right now and when the doctor came over to me she told me straight up

"he's having trouble breathing. when i listen to his heart I don't hear crackling in his lungs like you would with most cats with asthma. I'm pretty sure his heart is failing. we can do everything in our power to save him, but it's going to be expensive and will not guarantee anything. while it's not an ideal situation, if you decide to put him to sleep, I'll pay for it out of pocket."

she explained everything to me the nicest possible way she could (only can really be so nice and blunt at the same time in this situation). she didn't have to do that and i really appreciated it so much. i was ready to cry from her generosity and losing shadow all at once.

but. in the end i did have to make a call that no one ever wants to make. i wanted to hold him while she injected him but he was in pain so i didn't move him too much. instead i just slipped my hand under his head, pet his head with my thumb and rubbed his tummy with my free hand. gave him plenty of forehead kisses as well. i wanted him to go knowing that he was loved.

i have to go get his ashes tomorrow. i know it's going to eat me up inside too. it's already doing it just sitting here thinking about it. i did have a friend offer to get his urn though which was very nice as well.

honestly i keep thinking i did the wrong thing. he's had asthma attacks in the past and recovered from them like a champ. so i keep sitting here asking myself "what if he would have been fine? what if it's just an episode and it would have passed and i put him to sleep for nothing?" i have to keep reminding myself that i didn't. he was hurting and suffering and it wasn't fair to him. i just miss him so much and it's really hard to come to terms with it.

it hurt and still hurts to have let him go. and probably will hurt for awhile. but I'm glad he's not hurting anymore. he didn't deserve that. he was a sweet, loving kitty who deserved all the love in the world and then some.