#fangirl!amanda

Dreams Come True

She couldn’t believe what had just happened. They left the captain’s office and Amanda couldn’t help the smile on her face so she went straight to the bathroom so she could grin like a fangirl in peace. They had been working on this case for what seemed like forever now and the captain thought it would be interesting to review some of the interviews. Unfortunately (or in this case, very fortunately), one key witness was out of town with no plans to return. A 4 hours drive trip was in order. Sounded like a drag but that wasn’t all. Apparently Amaro had a family emergency and would be out for two days. Fin was on vacation and wouldn’t return in a week. That left her - the recent Atlanta transfer detective and the most beautiful and amazing woman in the world. Which went by the name of Olivia Benson. 

Amanda was perfectly aware of her fangirling/crush on detective Olivia Benson. She had been studying all her cases, going through all her interviews and newspaper mentions for a while now. Hell, the entire reason she asked to transfer to this particular unit was to be close to her idol.

She had dreamt about their first encounter many times. Many of these dreams had been a tad bit nsfw, that was true. In general, the dreams would consist of Amanda saying something very intelligent and the two would begin a very beautiful friendship that could probably lead to something more in the near future. 

Her dreams never came through, though. Amanda had met Olivia on her first day of work and the brunette had despised her. Sure, she hasn’t said any of the smart things she had planned to say - being star struck and all - but she also knew she didn’t do anything that wrong. Since the day they first met Amanda was sure Olivia Benson hated her. All her efforts to make small talk were followed by the brunette’s indifference. 

Amanda has asked Fin if she had done something wrong. He said that she was probably seeing too much but also that the older detective was going through some emotional turmoil since her old partner had left.

Still it felt like a very target hatred. Amaro, Benson’s new partner, had felt the same way for his first two weeks on the job he had said. But then Benson had come through and now they were “cool”. Three months since Amanda had transferred from Atlanta and there was nothing cool about their relationship yet. Moreover, it seemed like the older detective’s hatred for the younger blonde had only increased. 

Amanda tried to compose herself in the bathroom in order to go back to the bullpen without everyone noticing just how damn excited she was to be with the brunette detective for an entire day. Getting back out there Amanda’s eyes immediately found Olivia on her desk. Detective Benson was sitting at her desk staring blankly at her computer. She had been doing that a lot and according to Fin, this was a recent habit. 

“So, road trip tomorrow?” Amanda tried to sound nonchalant and she was almost sure she was doing a good job at it.

Olivia jumped at the sound of the blonde’s voice even though she tried to hide her surprise. She looked at Amanda like she had no clue what the other detective was talking about for a second before blinking and answering, “Oh yeah, how about that.”

Amanda was not surprised by her lack of enthusiasm but she couldn’t help to be disappointed. Sitting at her own desk she opened her computer to check the weather for the next day. She remembered hearing something about a storm coming soon but she wasn’t sure.

“Shit, not this”

"What 's up?” Liv asked, still distracted. 

“There’s a storm on our way tomorrow.”

“Great, not only we’ll be out on the road the whole day we’ll have to do it in the rain.”

Suddenly getting up Olivia went straight to the coffee machine and Amanda realized the older detective was not in the mood to continue their conversation.

They had agreed to meet outside the precinct the next day to their roadtrip. Olivia showed up 15 minutes late looking like she hadn’t slept at all.

“Rough night, detective?” Amanda tried to sound cheerful, giving them an uplifting start. Olivia just stared at her and went to open the car door.

Ok, that didn’t work, Amanda thought. Getting into the passenger seat they began  their silent trip. In all fairness, Olivia just didn’t seem tired. She seemed actually sick. Amanda was trying to find the best way to get Olivia talking when the older detective spoke first.

“Sorry Rollins, I know I was rude to you this morning. I’m actually not feeling very hot today. Not that this is an excuse or…”

“No, Liv. I get it. Do you want me to drive?”

After pulling over Amanda drove the rest of their trip while Olivia would go in and out of sleep. Reaching their destination after a long 4-hour drive it didn’t take long for them to find the house they needed to be. Unfortunately, the person they needed to see wasn’t there. Amanda didn’t want to let their frustration get the best of them so she suggested getting out to eat while they waited.

Turned out that was a great idea. Olivia seemed more awake after their lunch and even began small talk with the blonde. They arrived back at the house and the person they needed to see was there. Usually in these cases Olivia had a better rapport with the victims. She was the empathetic one while Amanda was more into the aggressive side of things. Today though, things were working a bit differently.

While interviewing the victim Amanda began noticing that Olivia was giving short answers, being very impatient. She then began taking a lead in the interview and soon Olivia faded into the background. It looked like the effects of lunch were fading aways and the brunette was once more looking tired, almost sick like. Thankfully, Amanda was doing great with the victim and it looked like they had not driven 4 hours for nothing. She had remembered some key information that would definitely be useful to the case. When they were finally done it was almost dark outside. They said their goodbyes and went straight to the car. Amanda looked up to the sky and saw what she was fearing. Big dark clouds were approaching fast. 

“Damn, it’s gonna rain on us. We better get back.” She looked to the side but Olivia was already in the passenger seat. Getting into the car, Amanda thought it would be a good idea to ask the older detective if she needed something before starting their trip back. She was already sensing something was not right since Olivia didn’t offer to drive. 

When Amanda turned to look at her she couldn’t stop the gasp that escaped her lips. Olivia was white as a ghost. Her hands were holding the seat of the car in a tight grasp, like the car was in motion. She had her eyes closed and she was taking long deep breaths like she was trying to calm herself.

“You’re not fine, Liv. Please don’t fight me but I think we need to find you a hospital.”

After taking more deep breaths Olivia finally opened her eyes to look at the young detective. 

“I’m…. Yeah, I don’t feel so good. I don’t need a hospital though. Expecting the thought of a 4 hour drive is not very appealing right now, I have to admit.

Without much of a thought, Amanda blurted out the first idea that came to mind. Knowing Olivia, she knew the brunette was not gonna allow her to take her to the doctor. The second best thing then…

“Let’s get a hotel then. It’s gonna rain anyway. It’s way later than we expected to finish here. You look like you’re gonna throw up any second… We’ll find a motel on the road, we’ll have a good night of sleep and we’ll be back on the road tomorrow morning.”

Amanda was ready to fight whatever Olivia was gonna say but she was once more surprised when she saw the brunette just nodding and closing her eyes again.

Amanda started the car and began searching for a place to stay. Stopping at a gas station and getting some information she found out that the only decent place around the area was about 20 minutes away. By then, the rain had already started. She ran back to the car as fast as she could and she still got soaked wet.

Arriving at the hotel, Amanda tried really hard to be positive. Whatever notion of “decent hotel” the guy at the gas station had was really off by her books. They didn’t really have any other choices though. The rain was pouring even harder now and Olivia was not looking any better. 

They check in pretty fast. The clerck made sure to tell them just how lucky they were. Apparently more people were in the same situation as they were and they had just arrived to get the last two rooms available.

Amanda made sure to tell Olivia to call her if anything happened before they parted ways to their rooms. When she was finally alone in her room, Amanda began thinking about their failed road trip. Even though she was proud of herself on how she had dealt with the whole situation she couldn’t stop being a little disappointed that the time alone with Olivia was spent with the older detective looking like she was dead on her feet. Or maybe, she was being a little insensitive. Nobody chose to be sick. Maybe tomorrow she could try and make the trip back a little more comfortable to Olivia, she thought.

She had taken a shower wearing only her undershirt and underwear and was ready to fall in bed when she heard a knock on her door.

“Amanda, it’s me”

The sound of Olivia’s voice made Amanda jump out of bed and run to the door. Was she sicker ? Did she need to go to a hospital? Amanda could only think about the worst case scenarios.

“Olivia, what 's wrong? You ok?”

Olivia just stared back at her and for a moment Amanda couldn’t tell what was wrong. Olivia was standing in front of her door looking better than before. She had clearly taken a shower and even though she was wearing the same clothing she looked fresh and not so white as before. She caught why the brunette  was staring, though. Amanda was standing in her underwear in front of her - being very honest - ultimate idol.

“I...Liv.”

“Rollins.. I”

They spoke at the same time but they clearly didn’t know what to say to each other. Finding that Olivia was not in any imminent danger Amanda muttered a come in before leaving Olivia standing on the doorway and rushing to the bathroom where she had left her pants. Amanda could hear Olivia entering the room and closing the door behind her. 

“Amanda, you’re alright. Sorry to bother you.”

With the little dignity she had left Amanda opened the bathroom door (now wearing pants) to find Olivia standing in the middle of her room. Damn, how many times had she imagined this? Too many - if she was being honest.

“You’re not bothering me, Liv. So, what’s going on?”

“My room is what’s going on.” She said in an exasperated tone. “I was ready to lay down when I realized my bed is full of bed bugs. And I swear I saw a mouse in my bathroom.”

“Damn! This is really a shithole. How about we go to the reception, they’ll switch you up.”

“They only had these rooms available, remember. How about your bed? Is it ok?

“I guess… I mean, so far so good. And I haven’t seen any rats around here.”

“Guess it’s just my luck.”

They were in silence for a moment. Olivia was still standing close to the door like she didn’t know if she was going to leave or say something else.

“You can sleep here.” Amanda blurted out. It was time to be bold, she thought to herself. How many opportunities like this one would present themselves like this?

“There’s only one bed here, Rollins.”

“I know, detective. Do you want to sleep with the bugs and the rats?

Olivia gave a faint smile and shook her head.

“I guess not. Thanks Rollins, I mean it”

_______________________

Soon Olivia and Amanda were laying down side by side on the ridiculous small double bed. Olivia had insisted that Amanda should be comfortable and take her pants off again and to make a point she herself was laying down in only her underwear and undershirt. Amanda had been trying really hard not to panic since they had gone to bed. Looking at the ugly bedroom ceiling Amanda tried fighting the many intrusive thoughts that were surreling around her mind. she was having an incredible hard time pulling herself together. This was everything she wanted for so damn long. She was in bed with Olivia Benson. Sure, the older detective seemed to hate her and was only in her bed not to sleep with literal rats but still. Bed. With Benson. In Underwears.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t notice when Olivia turned to lay on her side. She was still looking at the ceiling when she heard Olivia whispering.

“I wanted to apologize, Amanda. For today. For yesterday. I guess I haven’t been the role model you expected me to be.”

The blonde detective couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Was this real? Was she dreaming? Was Olivia Benson apologizing to her?

In order to find out if this was a trick from her mind or not, Amanda turned to the side to be confronted with Olivia looking right in her eyes. The brunette’s hair laid disheveled on the pillow. Amanda had to use all of her willpower not to stare at the older woman’s breasts that were so damn close to her. She was beautiful. Perfect. And with a surprise she noted that her eyes were full of moisture. Olivia Benson was in her bed, in her underwear but most importantly: Olivia Benson was crying.

“Liv… I. Why are you crying?”

Olivia tried to smile but it only made the tears fall down on her face.

“Did I do something, Olivia?” Amanda whispered. She was trying not to freak out but the thought of Olivia crying on her bed was making her go crazy.

“You did nothing, ‘Manda. If not, you’ve been perfect.”

“Liv, I’m sorry I don’t understand.”

“I’m asking for forgiveness, Rollins. I’ve been a bitch to you for no reason. Can you forgive me? I mean, can we start over?

“I… sure. Of course. Liv, you don’t need to apologize. I’m ok. I’m more worried about you here. You don’t need to cry over this. I’m not hurt or anything.”

“I know. I’m not crying over this, Amanda.”

“So… what is it? I have never seen you like this.”

You don’t even know me, Rollins”

“I think I know you a little bit by now, Olivia. Trust me.”

“I do. I do, Rollins. I need you to know that. You are an excellent detective. You did amazing today at that interview. You’re a great friend. I have been nothing but a bitch to you and you still cared about me all the way.”

“Thanks, Liv. That means a lot. I know… I know that it hasn’t been easy to you. All the changes and…”

“It 's no excuse.” Olivia said firmly.

“Well, still…”

Olivia then did something Amanda was not expecting.Putting her hand on the blonde’s face she began caressing the younger detective’s cheeks.

“You’re a beautiful, dedicated, strong woman, Amanda. Never let anyone say otherwise.” Olivia had her teary eyes looking straight at hers.

Amanda had frozen on the spot. What the hell was happening here? Why was Olivia Benson on her bed, tears falling down her face while calling her beautiful?

Before she could say something she sensed Olivia moving on the bed, getting closer to her. Still frozen and still feeling the brunette’s hand on her cheek Amanda let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. When Olivia’s face was almost touching hers she heard the older detective whisper, “Ok, Amanda?’’

Amanda nodded and soon she found herself being kissed. She could taste the salt from Olivia’s tears. She was still frozen in place. Her mind was still trying to figure it out if this  was one of her many dreams. Before she had the chance to do anything else, Olivia had pushed back, her hand also leaving Amanda’s face. She continued laying very close to Amanda, their faces almost touching.

“You’re ok, ‘Manda?”

Taking a deep breath Amanda finally found her voice again.

“I… yeah. I’m ok. I’m... I’m great.”

Olivia smiled softly, never taking her eyes off the blonde’s eyes.

Once more Amanda thought this was the perfect time to blurt out something she had been trying to say since she arrived in the 1-6.

“I do have a crush on you, you know?”

Olivia actually laughed. That was a rare occasion, at least since Amanda had known the brunette.

“I know Rollins. Everyone knows.”

Blushing Amanda also smiled. She was feeling great, being kissed by the older woman but still...the tears were still bugging her.

“Not that I’m complaining, Liv. I loved what just happened but...why all the tears?

It was Olivia’s turn to sigh, taking a deep breath before speaking, “It has nothing to do with you. I’m just… I’m going through stuff. I guess it’s affecting me more than I was willing to accept.”

“Fin told me about your ex-partner…” Amanda started cautiously. She didn’t want to ruin whatever they had going on but she still wanted to know what was wrong with Olivia.

Olivia didn’t seem to want to share though.

“Fin talks too much”

“Yeah, he does. He also said something about an Alex person.”

“Shit. Remind me to punch Fin when we get back, yeah?”

“I will. But seriously, Olivia. Maybe… Maybe you need to talk about it, you know? As you said, it’s affecting you.”

“I guess. I’m not good at this. Opening up, I mean.”

They stayed in silence after that. Now, it wasn’t an unforgettable silence like the one they had shared on their 4-hour drive.

“I’m here, ok? If you need to talk.”

Thanks. Thank you, Amanda. I...yeah. Not tonight though. I’m really tired. I feel like I can actually sleep tonight, though. Being here. You’re already helping.”

“I’m glad”

Olivia closed her eyes. She did seem tired but way more relaxed. Amanda on the other hand, had no idea if she would be able to sleep. Her mind was working at high speed. She had so many questions. It was a mixture of excitement and confusion. She’d probably feel terrible the next morning after laying awake until the late hours of the night but for now… for now she was content just watching the older woman sleep.