Not a Stalker - just a Mom
Here is what my daughter @hella-flawless-amythyst has posted about me:
Hey followers. So hereâs the thing. I have a stalker. And this person has been known to follow me, show up uninvited to my house, literally hide behind bushes, and unfortunately, contact people Iâm close to to try and get to me.
This person is my mother.
For 18 years my mother mentally and emotionally abused me using both manipulation and gaslight techniques. She is a master manipulator and always sounds like she is in the right. She really makes you feel for her, and pity her, and thatâs the trap. She emotionally manipulates your pity for her to her advantage to get people to do things for her.
And Iâm sick and tired of it.
Mom, I know you will read this, because I know you are monitoring my tumblr. I have sent you an email stating that I want no contact from you, I donât want you a part of my life, and you have continued to ignore it. Iâm tired of running. You will no longer back me into a corner trying to get me to act and lash out. You need to leave me alone. I will live my life as I please and you will have no part of it. You have no control over me, or say over this decision. I will not say this again. The next time you try and sneak into my life you will receive a court summons for a restraining order.
Yes you are my mother. I know you think that you canât âjust stopâ being my mother and that because you gave birth to me you are entitled to my life. Let me make this clear for you. You are wrong.
You gave up the privilege of being in my life the moment you started your abuse. And I know you still believe the lies you constantly tell everyone about yourself and that you very possibly will never understand what it is you did, or that you ever did anything wrong. I do hope that one day you figure it out before you push everyone out of your life like you have me, and end up completely alone.
But you will have no part of my life from here on. You will cease haunting my social media. You will not contact any of my friends ever. You will stop getting people on Facebook to do your dirty work. You will stop using my brother as a weapon period. You know what you are doing is wrong. And soon so will everyone around you.
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Ok, so, now itâs my turn.
Lilly and her brother have been the focus of my life since they days they were born. Â I love my children with all my heart and want nothing for them but love (self love and love for and with others), happiness, success and joy. I have spent my whole life trying to teach them things they will need in life - tolerance, intelligence, love of reading, how to work hard and play hard, respect, forgiveness, acceptance, trust, love, faith, humor, and a myriad of other things I am sure I am forgetting. Â Did I always do everything right? Hell, no! Â Did I do it with love in my heart and admiration in my eyes for my children, yes. Itâs not like kids come with instruction manuals!
Lilly grew up into a very smart, beautiful (inside and out), talented and amazing person who I thought I had a great relationship with. Â We talked, laughed, snuggled, argued, hugged. Â I baked special cakes for her birthdays (from Ariel, 3D Rainbow Fish to the latest one on her 18th birthday - a 3D Tardis cake), I was always interested in her, what she liked, what she wanted - whether it was acting, jewelry making, reading, astronomy, teaching, princesses, cosplay, purple or Drop Dead Diva...I tried to encourage her the best I could. Â I made chocolate frogs and pumpkin pasties for her Quidditch Club fund raiser. She would raid my closet regularly for special events or functions or costumes she needed. Â I would even let her friends do the same. I loved it!
We went on lots of family vacations - cruises, camping, Disneyland, Florida, New York, London. Â We are not rich but we wanted the kids to have these experiences. We had a lot of fun!
Lilly told us she was moving to Portland for her senior year with my ex husband and wanted to reinvent herself. At first, this did not go over well, but once accepted, I was supportive. Â I got us into counseling for the 8 weeks before she left. Â She never once mentioned abuse to either me, the family or the counselors. She told the therapist she was concerned for how I would be after she left. Â The therapist suggested staying in touch a lot, Skype, calls, emails, etc. To which Lilly agreed enthusiastically. Â
The night before she left we set up Skype on our phones, she put off packing (the purple suitcase she got for her birthday) and she and I stayed up until 3 a.m., snuggled under a blanket on the couch, watching some of my favorite movies from the 80â˛s with strong female roles (i.e. Erin Brockovich). The next morning, we went to the airport - hugged all the way to the gate, she even stopped on the gangway to turn around and say good bye one last time.
I gave her the following letter to read on the plane:
My Dearest Lillian, my Easter Lilly, my Princess Lilly,
Eighteen years ago today, you came into this world a beautiful little person who was 10 days late, stubborn, full of righteous indignation and absolutely perfect. To this day not a lot has changed! You still donât like getting out of bed, you have a bit of a stubborn streak, you will defend your friends and family to the death and somehow you have become even more perfect! Â You are the perfect You at this time. That You is super intelligent, funny, champion to the underdog, kind, spiritual, talented (acting, singing, jewelry making), witty, unique and the absolute pride of my life. You and your brother are my two sources of pride, love and devotion. You make my world complete and I look forward to the amazing things you will do in your lives.
Now you are embarking on a new chapter of your life and I am hoping the groundwork Daddy Mike and I have lain for you will serve you well.
I am going to miss you in so many ways! Â You are my cuddle partner for our TV shows, my comedy partner in the car, my fellow 49er Faithful screaming, âTake him out!â, and my shopping partner. Â I love it when you have heated discussions or just good political debates with Daddy around the dinner table or when we give Grandma a hard time for picking her teeth, or just the simple act of coming home every day with your sweet little âHi, Mama!â and then sharing the days newest school drama with me. I am going to miss every moment you arenât here.
A very wise man (letâs call him Jesus) once said âand the greatest of these is LOVE.â He was spot on. Â There are a lot of different kinds of love. I know we have all heard Daddy ramble on about all of the different Greek words for the different types of love; brotherly, sisterly, passionate, friendly, etc. Â I have to say, that as a mother, I believe motherly love is the closest we will ever get to Godâs love. Â There is something magical about carrying a life inside your body and bringing it into the world. It is a pure, real, forever and unconditional love. Â You will experience a lot of different kinds of love in your lifetime, but someday when you are a mother (and you will be an AMAZING one) you will feel that overwhelming, all encompassing desire of wanting everything for your child. My love for you is enormous and will NEVER go away.
I would do anything to change your mind about moving since there is nothing on this planet that could ever make me not want you near me. I am however, powerless to stand in the way of your happiness (just selfishly wish and hope it would be found here with meâŚ) and wish you nothing but joy, success and the fulfilling of all your dreams. So, Lilly, my absolutely precious Princess Lilly, to quote another fabulous cinematic line from our favorite movieâŚ.
With all the love in my heart and great hopes for your future,
So, the next day we talked on the phone, had a great conversation and she has not spoken to me since.
Talk about being thrown for a loop! Â She didnât answer me for over a week, no phone calls, wouldnât take my calls, etc. Â I panicked! Â My ex husband didnât help and wouldnât tell me anything. Â I had the police do a wellness check because I couldnât get anyone to tell me anything. I realize this was extreme but I was so worried and scared I didnât care - I just wanted to know she was ok. She was and that is all I cared about.
Since that time, she has blocked me on Facebook, unfriended all friends and family we had in common, blocked me on Tumblr, and has been accusing me of abuse and manipulation. Â I donât get it. Â It was like a knife to the heart. Â This hurt more than any breakup I have ever gone through. I had a small nervous breakdown (about 4 months), lost my job and got therapy. Thanks to the love and support of my husband, son, family, friends and God, I got through it. Â I am much better now. I have a great job (radio station, so fun!), lots of friends and family and my faith. Â The only thing missing is Lilly. Â I have love and light and joy to share with her and no where to put it. Â Itâs hers and will always be hers. I still have lots of people to love and appreciate in my life. Â I will always cherish them as I cherish Lilly. I am just being denied any access. Â I even had to crash her graduation - I made sure she didnât see me, I just wanted to be there and had the right to be there as I did the work too. Â I made sure to not let her brother know I was there either. Â It was her day and I didnât want to upset her. So glad I got to see it, though.
I understand Lilly seems to be battling anxiety and depression right now. Â Has been since she moved. Â I think the misplaced anger she has towards me is definitely not helping her. Â I hope she is getting help. Â I would be there for her if she would let me. Â I would build a blanket fort and wrap her in a big soft fuzzy blanket and just hold her if I could.
Did I do everything right? No, there are no perfect parents. I do know I do not deserve her blame or treatment of me. I am not the person she makes me out to be. I just love her unconditionally forever.
So, do I go on Tumblr to see what she is up to? Â Of course! Do I tag her and tell her I miss her and love her? Yes! Do I hide who I am? Not with a name like hella-flawless-amythyst-mom! Am I able to stop caring about her? No. I am not trying to back her into a corner or get her to lash out. Â I do not think I am entitled to her life, I raised her so she could do it on her own. I just want us to talk. I would love to work this out with her and would be willing to go to any therapy she wanted. Â It is not healthy for either of us right now. Â
If anyone has any advice, I am willing to listen. Turning off my love and concern isnât an option though - just not possible.
I donât know where else to turn.
