#fandom dynamic

So back around mid to late November 2023, I started my BG3 fandom journey. My at-the-time boyfriend (Mikey) was my one constant support and cheerleader (he was not great at either of those).

But he had insecurity issues, and that carried into my relationships with my friends and how he viewed them, and how he viewed my hyper-fixations, and we started to hit potholes when I felt I had to limit my interests and myself to be who he wanted. That's about the only relevant bits of information there.

Around December that same year, I really got involved in the BG3 fandom, mostly Astarion and some dabbling into Shadowheart. I was determined to get people on board with Yandere Shadowheart. The idea made me so happy and eager, but again I just had Mikey back then.

Cue the point of this story.

Enter EP. ✨️

The first person who had frequently interacted with me that I developed a friendship crush on. A hard friendship crush, and she was deep in the DJ!Shadowheart trenches alongside me. I thought she was so cool and wanted to be her friend really bad but had no idea how to get past my own shyness and awkwardness, but that didn't keep me from gravitating to her. And then I discovered EP was also the person behind a very well known/recognizable account centered on Shadowheart on a major platform—that I will not name otherwise there goes the anonymity and the point of this isn't to attack anyone but share an experience that I think is really important to share. But I genuinely loved her content.

I gushed all the time to Mikey about how cool I thought EP was and about my friend-crush. Despite Mikey's insistence I just reach out, I simply wouldn't because of my own insecurities. Mikey offered to reach out to EP on my behalf. I insisted no and made him promise not to do anything. He promised.

Then broke his promise a few hours later by DM'ing EP on my behalf.

This was very upsetting and anxiety-inducing. I was expecting EP to be weirded out that my boyfriend needed to reach out to people to make me friends. But EP was pretty chill and understanding, said that the desire for friendship was mutual, and that she might reach out to me.

EP did reach out to me not super long afterward. And we hit it off.

And over the course of the following days we were pretty inseparable. She was my first fandom friend, and we shared the vast majority of our interests. Like a kindred spirit, I finally had someone I could gush and hyper-fixate with that I didn't have to limit myself or be a certain way, it was like a breath of fresh air and an ice-cold drink of water. We were very generous to each other with our time and energy; we shared our wips, what we liked in smut and in Shadowheart (DJ, Silverheart, Bangs, in general, etc.) and we shared our personal lives, it was almost magical how well things were going between us. We learned there was a significant age gap between us, that she was happily married to a woman for about a decade, I identified as straight, all of which is relevant. Even some of our trauma had been discussed.

It was around New Year's Eve when Mikey confronted me about her. I had been very open with how things were going between us, silly jokes, cool ideas, interesting conversations. We got into a tense argument. This wasn't the first time we had argued about something or someone that had grabbed a lot of my attention, and the previous times I had mostly succeeded in resolving these conflicts by establishing firm boundaries on what I shared and what in my life I consented to him being a part of.

But this was the first time it had gotten as intense as it had. In the argument, he said she was in our relationship, which to me was insane. This argument resulted in telling him I was going to stop being friends with her.

I was bluffing.

But given he had already gone behind my back to message her once, I had to be careful if he did it again that it wouldn't confuse her.

We'd known each other for about two weeks when I messaged EP and I awkwardly told her what happened. While embarrassed, she and I had already been having pretty personal conversations and had a connection that felt like we had been friends for much longer, so I explained the situation with Mikey and the problems between him and I. I told her what he said about her being in our relationship. And we joked and had a laugh about it; she was understanding and apologetic, and I assured her it wasn't her fault. We talked about how I identified as straight, and her being married to a woman for over a decade, and how we lived on opposite sides of the planet; that I was firmly straight and in a serious long-term heterosexual relationship.

We started joking around about her and I and the "open relationship" Mikey accused us of having. From "ah yes, let's friend-elope because we're too close as friends according to my boyfriend" to... well... Very explicit and graphically sexual ways.

It was silly; I thought. Meant for laughs. I mean, we had established that she's married; I was straight in a straight relationship, how could it be anything but a silly haha? Besides, she was older, with way more life experience than me, very established in her sexuality.

So when we'd concluded one of our... encounters, and I'd feel confused or even uncomfortable, I'd just... sit with it. She knew way more than I did, and she had said nothing about it. She never seemed really (if at all) concerned about it. So all these weird, confusing, uncomfortable feelings had to be me. I was being weird. We had said it was stupid... right?

I should have felt okay asking for clarification, right? Just so I'd feel okay and not the cocktail of confusion I was then, right? But what if I ask her and it really is just me being weird, and she says I'm being weird and pins it all on me?? Then I'd lose my only friend. A friend I had felt like had been my best friend for 10 years, not the two weeks we'd actually known each other.

If that happened, and she found me weird and she didn't want to be friends anymore then I'd lose such a meaningful and special friendship I'd found in someone I had quickly grown to respect, admire, appreciate and cherish having in my life.

But... Yes, I do love her, deeply as my best friend. Friends love each other, platonic love exists. Then this is just us being silly and joking around about how deeply in platonic love we are.

Well, surely I can ask someone else? My boyfriend? No, no, he had already said we were in an open relationship so he's biased, he'd of course only see it as being something it definitely isn't.

My other friends? No, I only had one small friend group before her and I had distanced myself from them a month or so prior for unrelated reasons, I can't just waltz back over and go "so here's this weird sexual thing I've found myself in, thoughts?"

So I only had her and my boyfriend, right? Wrong! Surely I can ask my family! No... No, I can't ask my religious and homophobic family if my new best friendship with a woman who is an established lesbian is something weird. There is obvious bias there, and besides who just talks to their older brothers and mother about their sexual dynamic with other people? I mean, the one time I tried to ask my mom about something sexual about myself when I was a teenager, she had told me very quickly "that's something you figure out for yourself". So I can't ask her and get embarrassed again.

And besides, I tried to tell her once how I thought I was asexual and my mom who hates labels immediately jumped down my throat. So she's definitely out. Relevant information: I discovered in the fall of 2024 that I actually am on the ace spectrum.

But wait! I have an older sister who is openly queer! I could definitely ask her! Kidding, she and I had argued about her believing I was closeted and how I should accept I'm actually some flavor of gay or bisexual.

So the opposite of "it's not a phase, I like woman!"

With my sister it was "it's not a closet, I like being a woman who likes men!"

The last thing I wanted was for her to hear or even see this dynamic with EP and have even more reason to pressure me about my sexuality, tell me "I told you so" or even accuse me of cheating on my boyfriend.

That effectively has narrowed down to... No one. I had no one to turn to for advice or input. Just her. And she had done or said nothing to open the floor for me to ask how I felt about our sexual dynamic.

In my mind, with no experience in any kind of sexual relationship to begin with, never mind with a very experienced older lesbian, if she wasn't concerned then nothing was really weird about our dynamic at all! It was all in my head.

I mean, it wasn't like she didn't know all this about me, we had talked very openly about a lot of personal details about ourselves. I had shared my straight sexuality, and my straight relationship, and my lack of sexual experience... Then really this had to be what two best friends who talked all the time did!

So I blew off all my confusion, and every concern and question I had. EP was my best friend (my only friend) and I trusted her implicitly. She'd never do anything to hurt me, she would tell me if something was wrong or if she was concerned.

Things tapered off some months later. But I don’t think I could ever say it fully stopped. And my loyalty to EP only deepened as time went on. I'd throw hands with anyone who had a problem with her, she could have told me "actually the sun is an onion" and I'd have believed her. My super platonic time with her became one of the best parts of my day. She taught me so much about the world and life beyond my bubble, she was the funniest person I knew. I believed I could never find a better friend than her.

And that persisted until the very bitter end.

And it was over something that seemed like such an overreaction. How the argument to end all arguments started?

I said I was hurt about something that was adjacent to the point of the argument, but felt like my hurt would be ignored if I explained why. But I wanted to express my feelings. And true to my expectation, we didn't ever touch on what I was hurt about.

We went deep into all the problems she apparently had against me for the 1 year and 3 months we'd been best friends that felt incredibly out of left field. Because she had other issues with things I'd said or done before and we had established healthy and reasonable boundaries that I owned up to, apologized for and respected. So the absolute truckload of grievances made my head spin.

I won't go into it, because again, anonymity and two, the actual argument wasn't even the real reason behind why she stopped talking to me.

Remember that EP is a well known, pretty popular face in the fandom. So when things with her and I went sideways, everything around me caved in. I lost a lot of connection to a space that I loved and cherished dearly, and spent a lot of time in, and felt I belonged to and was proud of my contributions that seemed to have a lasting impact.

All gone in the course of a week.

Who gave me the cold shoulder.

Who pretended I was never there.

Who acted like my name was casting a hex on their crops.

And I only survived that Monday morning post-exile, the initial 30mins to an hour because of someone I had intentionally put a wall between us, to try and keep EP's approval and show my loyalty to her.

Someone who really showed me and taught me what a real best friend looks and feels like. We'll call them Jeb.

And then they connected me to someone who would equally sit with me beside it all and talk things out with me, who showed me another side of what a real best friend looks and feels like. We'll call her Ogurt. Edit: she was originally named Eileen. However, the woman behind the anonymous name wanted a sillier name. And after a phone call with my lovely girlfriend (that I'm actually still on while typing this) I have been convinced to change Eileen's name to Ogurt. You're welcome, you two.

Also yes, we are still dating and in love. For those concerned about my personal life. You know who you are.

And between Jeb and Ogurt putting up with the actual depressed, confused mess I was, because even I couldn't really figure out why EP cutting me off hurt and felt the way it did, I'd have never made the progress I did to become who I am now.

It was a conversation with one of them that I cluelessly mentioned the "silly haha platonic sexual dynamic" to, that flagged it to me and became concerned, then gently and very very patiently explained things to me, and opened up conversations about consent.

It was the two of them that let me vent and talk things out with me and make sure I felt safe and continued to feel safe to share things and express myself, but also keep my head on straight.

It was them cheering me on all 2025 and encouraging me. One of them gently nudged and encouraged me to actually connect with and trust Bonechillen because making new friends still makes me paranoid. And through Bonechillen I have really felt... healed. Accepted, wanted, so loved and held and safe.

I'm not just gushing to gush, she has sat with me and had serious and firm conversations about consent and expectations.

I have not talked to EP or anyone in her inner circle in almost a year. And a year ago, that would have been inconceivable to me. But I learned and gained so much more than I lost from the collapse of that relationship.

The promised receipts are here.

The point of my experience?

It's been brought to my attention how seriously important it is for other people to hear these things, no matter how uncomfortable it is. For you to read, for me to come out and say "ah yes, so this is all my embarrassing, vulnerable trauma laid almost bare for the world to see"... But it's not a warning, honestly. I'm not going to name names.

It's a lantern I'm lighting.

If this sounds familiar to your own life, if it resonates with you, if it makes something inside you feel uneasy, I want you to look around you, really look around you and examine what your surroundings look like. Those feelings shouldn't just be ignored, or dismissed. If you can't trust someone to express yourself honestly do you really want to trust them blindly? Are they deserving of that loyalty? Do you understand the priceless jewel you are gifting them? Do they treat it with the awe they should?

If you're like I was and have no one else to ask or turn to, I wholeheartedly encourage you to reach out to me. Honest. It all stays between us, I may not have answers but I have an ear you can use as a chew toy, patience and validation.

I'll even be brave enough to say outright what happened from my perspective. Because it's the only one that matters now, it's my half of the story I'm left with, and it's my right to view and treat it like it was left and abandoned to me.

After serious and a near year long journey of thought, contemplation, back and forth, soul searching, deep conversations with the people closest to me and with a woman who loves and treats me like something more priceless than can be found on this planet... I have begun to swallow maybe I was groomed and taken advantage of, intentionally or accidentally. Maybe I can go one step further and say I was abused but admittedly that one is still a tough one.

Abused and groomed by someone who has more social power than me, more life experience than me, more sex experience than me, is significantly older than me. Someone that (excluding those close to me) people would trust and listen to over me, and have. People who would trust her so much that if she said I was abusive and manipulative or other things, that people would also trust her implicitly and believe I am all those things and worse, and not care a thing for my side of the situation.

I'm not perfect. I've owned up to my mistakes and flaws countless times over the last 10 months. I've gone over all the things I could have done differently over that 1 year and 3 months EP and I were friends. Not just with EP but with other people too. And other things in my life.

But I'm not manipulative. I'm already in therapy every other week, and have been way before December 2023.

If you're in a similar position to me, in any kind of relationship with someone, platonic or romantic, feel uncomfortable but stuck because of a power imbalance know you aren't living anything inescapable. There are others who have gone through this round of the Hunger Games before, this is a trial you can outlast (you're welcome, my love) and there is loving, genuine and healthy relationships to be found either already around you, or in your future.

There is peak relationships to be found elsewhere. And once you find people you genuinely trust that you can share anything with without fear, without concern they're going to twist things around on you, I promise you there is no better feeling and nothing more healing.

I'm always here. If you have my old discord or you want to shoot me a private message here, you are more than welcome to reach out.

Will I have answers? Maybe not. But can we find answers together?