#fallouttransboynet

lately, i’ve been thinking solely about coming out: obsessively editing my coming out letter, imagining scenarios, all that good stuff. my two driving factors to come out are both for my own sake. (ofc, there’s the feeling that i’m ready to do this, as well as wanting to simply be out) 1) get a binder 2) see a gender therapist and so, i’ve been thinking too about what it’ll be like to see a gender therapist. i’ve been blissfully listing all of the things in my mind that i would like to talk to this person about. yknow, even that thing in eighth grade that i should be moved on from. but that’s just the thing. i haven’t coped with any of it. three years is built up in my mind, and it’s only growing. it’s three years of thoughts, of memories, of experiences about being trans. but in a way it’s not about that at all. it’s three years of my feelings being repressed until confusion and anger and rejection stemmed from them. it’s three years of society not providing me with the resources i need to live. it’s three years of not knowing how to cope with hating my chest, or trying to fulfill male standards and female standards simultaneously and feeling the pure chaos of trying to be who i am and trying to hide that person at the same time. three years is a long time, and even longer when it’s full of the lonely experience of knowing who you are but being forced to doubt it because society won’t let you explore yourself. i want to be able to talk about my dysphoria like people talk about their back pain. i want to be able to wear binders like people wear push-up bras. i want to be able to live just like everyone else. obviously this realization of being so unknowingly robbed by society for years is freeing, but it’s only going to continue. however, being aware of it has made me able to stop blaming myself and my gender for the backlash of oppression. even while being closeted, and for years before that identifying as cis, the world’s transphobia has done nothing to benefit me. transphobia doesn’t benefit cis people, it just makes it near impossible for them to accept themselves when they find that they ARE trans. transphobia doesn’t benefit cis people, it just makes it harder for them to accept their children, their parents, their friends, their neighbors who identify as trans. transphobia doesn’t benefit cis people, it just allows them to practice abusing their privilege. transphobia will ever benefit anyone. my repressed experiences with being trans cloud my mind and are another tedious layer that i’ll have to claw my way through one day. society would rather they sit their and rot my insides just so that i’ll wear a dress and contribute to the population. don’t get me wrong, i find it refreshing to realize that the state of my mind is not my fault, nor is it a consequence of being trans. however, it is in no way refreshing to be slapped in the face with yet another detrimental result of the world’s transphobia. i’m proud to be transgender, and no amount of years of oppression will ever put out that fire.