#fallingqueens

From The Ladies by Sara Vaughan:

Death is invisible. Now you see them, now you don't. Out of sight, out of mind. Disappeared. Spirited away. Up in a puff of smoke. Poof. But this isn't how it happens. This is always just one part of the lie. We tell it over and over. We reassure, we wail, and then we leave too. 

… 

We weep for you and you are gone we weep in the trees in the meadow in the leaves in the carpark in the skyway in the architecture in the street. We are standing in the street just standing there we are there win tens treat and we can't stop crying. 

The struggle of dying becomes the struggle of getting home.

For the first time we ran the full piece. Now I have to deal with the reality that falling queens. is about processing the manifestation of beingness, and there is nothing about that that isn't messy. Sometimes it is quiet and beautiful. Mostly awkward. What's missing are the times when it is loud and raucous, and I need that to be there.

The rewards (occasionally camouflaged), in the midst of self-doubt: 

D saying, "This is real. This is hard and I'm glad it's going to be over. And I'm glad that it's happening right now and that we will have this with each other."

A saying, "I am just realizing that this is a piece about being human together. And that's tough."

M crying in my arms.

J's repeated affirmations and very apparent openings.

M walking out on me on Day 1.

My five minutes of deep frustrated sadness, conjured as a mouth-trumpet player, and Mariana as my witness.

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I have no idea what I would be doing if I wasn't doing this exact thing right now. 

We've got a piece here.