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09/06/25
Hi friends. Iāll have two years completely clean and sober in November. What a crazy fucking concept. On Monday, I will be starting my new job in outreach at a community health center. Making more money than I ever have before (the right way). Iāve gone back to school. If you woulda tried to tell me all this was going to happen to me back then, I wouldnāt have believed you. Sometimes, I still donāt believe myself.
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02/13/25 Day 452 of recovery
I just want to get fucked up. That is it, that is the answer. Iām so fucking tired. Iām trying so so hard, these last 14 months Iāve been trying so so hard. And I still feel like Iām failing
05/29/24 3:47am
Hi. Been awhile. So much has changed in the months, years (?) since Iāve made a post. Well, I went to rehab. Seven years of active use and over two decades of justā¦ pain and trauma. We ended up in treatment from Nov-April ā24. This program and the people in it helped me in ways I cannot even describe. I have a little over 6 months completely sober. Iāve moved cities, I live in halfway with nine other people (donāt even get me started), went back to work at a Target, and tonight, as Iām writing, I am still sober.
The only constant has been my chosen family, and Felix. Iām very lucky. Anyways, here we are again in the little blue hole of the internetš
As protests continue all across the United States remember that it IS okay to protest at home. If you are disabled or ill or cannot go out and physically protest for another reason PLEASE do not feel guilt. You can be just as active from your home by doing things like: Sharing BLM posts, sharing posts on how to protest safely, sharing posts about medical resources in your area for protestors. You can also educate yourself and others. Amplify Black Voices, and donating to bail out funds or other foundations. ļæ¼Do NOT feel bad if you can not physically join the protests. You CAN still stand with the movements.
So, it has come to my attention that I am a lot more autistic then I actually was aware of. Even though I got the diagnosis as a teenager, it was always something I brushed off and never accommodated. It was always taken at face value but then I was told āoh you just have borderline personality disorderā or āyouāre too high functioning to have ASDā when literally, I do have it. I personally have just never talked about it, never explored how it shows up in my life until the other day. I was talking to a close friend on facetime about how Iāve been struggling more with moving ect ect and he goes ādude, are you sure youāre just not autistic and got misdiagnosed with BPDā and I laughed and said āwait, you can... tell? I actually got an autism dx a teenagerā and he looks at me and goes āyeah, dude, its obvious to me that youāre autisticā and so a few days later I was having another conversation with my best friend Noah who asked me to take the RAADs test, and lol I scored a 185/220 lol. Its not a matter of... proving Iām autistic, I think its more of... taking off the mask? When I was talking to them about it they said āyouāve been masking for 23 years, but none of your autism symptoms have actually gone away, youāve just... learned how to live with in and not show your true selfā.
Ā After that conversation I started looking at how I live my life, about how I really only watch three TV shows, about how I really only engage with topics I am deeply passionate about. I thought those things were... just normal to me. When like, I do those things because I am literally just autistic. Its really scary to... be in a situation where now the questions Iām asking are āso what if I leaned into the dx as a teen and actually accommodated my autism, like, would my life be differentā and the answer is yes. My aggression, emotional regulation issues, struggling to make and keep friends... thatās literally all because Iām fucking autistic lol, I plan on bringing it back up in therapy because while I know you can have comorbid disorders and ASD, I question my diagnosis now. Been a wild 48 hours and a lot of... internal questioning has me asking like, have I been living my life wrong? How do I start like unlearning and living my most authentic self?
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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how much longer am I required to keep trying before itās acceptable to stop. Iām so tired if feels like my bones are breaking and I donāt know how much of this fucking heaviness I have left.
In life, relieving pressure is not always easy, but itās just as important. Too much stress takes a toll on our mental and physical health. So go for a walk, meet up with a friend, dance it out. Seek out the moments of joy that keep us alive.
-Meredithļæ¼ Grey
Itās been 5 days here and Iām really justā¦ having a hard time. I miss my home and the normalcy of living at Jessieās. I miss Evan and all my favorite coffee shops. How long until somewhere feels like home
