#faith notes

...Have you ever felt like you are in a very deep dark hole, and well, whatever you do, you cannot go back up?...You live in a Doomsdale City, population:you and only you. This may be me speaking under the influence of  all teen flick movies and series that I have watched for the past few weeks, But hell I know my life is such a mess right now. I feel hopeless, an one heck of a trainwreck. Like all these years, no one was ever there to really support me and get back up on my feet.I felt like even the people I love are dragging me lower than I was before.. And this messed up being is being more messed up everytime. And a few days ago, I just got fed up and quit. I cried my heart out,  felt like commiting suicide (again) for a number of days and I actually planned for it, I felt depressed. (Now I know what people meant about feeling depressed) I felt like not even God is on my side. I felt no presence of Him at all. No response,no miracles, nothing. 

   But somehow my mind brightened and I realized that I was too scared to live my life, That’s why I wanted to end it so badly. I’m too scared to be judged by my parents and to be judged by other people. I know very well that life is not like the movies, wherein the main characters get what they want in the end. But little by little I start to learn that people are fighting different battles, they don’t know what I’m going through and I don’t know what they’re going through. But everyone needs one thing COURAGE. We all need courage to face life. to face its complexities and randomness Because, one thing I’m sure of, life will give pain. And that pain will demand to be felt. Sure I may be a loser now and who knows how long of a futureless wrecked loser I will be. (well to the eyes of my father anyway), I really stopped caring about other people. But I care about how the people I love think about me... Well too much anyway... But now, as I think about it, I have to make plans for myself. I have to break the borders that were set for me by other people, I have to make something out of my life. I may be a loser now, but who knows where I’ll end up? Atleast if I run my life now, and still end up being a loser, I will have nobody to blame but me. At least I won’t regret anything. I know my father would hate me, (no scrap that out) despise me out of disappointment for my decisions, but I have to keep my life running. And I think I’d have to take that hatred rather than blaming  him in the long run, for my mistakes and my shortcomings.