#exstolovers

it was nights like this that you loathed the most, lonley and dry nights where the only action would be from the drunk strangers on the street arguing or running into poles they SWORE weren’t there before. you were out at some random bar you’d long forgotten the name of, watching the people around smile and laugh, cry and drown, or simply take up space and think.. much like you were currently doing.

you hadn’t really remembered the last time you had clear and beautiful memories, when being by yourself in your mind was more of a blessing rather than a stupid curse you were forced to be plauged with. getting up from the bar and paying for your single beer as you walked out into the cool feburary night air, taking in a deep breath as you continued through the lit up city night.

your feet dragged as you walk, not so much from being in a state from intoxication but morealess from not really wanting or needing to be anywhere. your head pounding from swampy thoughts as your eyes caught sight of a familiar scenery, the garden you’d find yourself at usually during the early mornings before work to have something calming to start your crampt work days.

the cold wood of the bench making your legs tremble as you sat down, crisscrossed to shoo off any nosey onlookers as you sighed briefly and stared out into the moonlit sky. the new moon making you hum in approval of its out of reach beauty as you felt the beer you were still hanging onto slip or rather, snatched out of your nimble fingers. “since when the fuck do you drink beer?”

your head couldve been snapped by the way you whipped it up, that what you belived was a strangers face coming into focus as you internally shrunk down into nothing. the beautiful face of your past lover yixiang staring down at you with that same disaproving look he’d used to scold you hard for sleeping in on fridays before work.

staring at one another felt like an eternity, one where flashbacks synced together as you physically swallowed the burning lump in your throat. “since when the fuck do you go out on night walks?” you mocked back as you stayed perfectly still, almost fearing that moving would result in him fadng away like a prolonged dream.

the chuckle that bubbled from yixiang’s throat made your stomach churn as he motioned to sit down, which you a bit too quickly nodded and swung your feet down as you scooted over to the other side.

yixiang pushed his long coat off his shoulders and set it on his lap as he examined the beer he held firm within his grasp for a moment before staring straight at you as he poured it out. “you don’t need to be drinking at this hour alone yn.” he hummed out gently yet firmly, setting the bottle down at his feet as he sighed. your heart throbbed at the care, quickly forcing it to stop as he looked back out into the garden. “you still didn’t answer my question yixiang.”

he scoffed at the sound of his own name, shrugging as he sighed. “well since three months ago if we’re getting technical..” he sighed hard after he said it, looking away in the same direction as you as he shook his head. “what?” you questioned, hands slowly balling into fists as you glanced at his face and registered the look on his face, the longing look he would have whenever he spoke about his family back in taiwan, whenever he spoke about something he’d been thinking about constantly.

“i.. i don’t know yn. then again i don’t know at lot of things.” like clock work you retorted back, a bit too harsh then intended but you knew you needed to get your point at least hinted at. “like you don’t know why you ended things yixiang?” the deafening silence that followed physically hurt, you could tell it stung yixiang too from how he winced when the last word streamed from your quivering lips. he could only nod as he squinted, almost searching for something as he rasped quietly. “yeah.”

your eyes narrowed slightly at the response, eyebrows kitted together tightly as you turned your body to face hm with shallow breaths. “yeah? is that all? you know an explanation would be nice yixiang.” you spat out roughly as you let out a sharp breath through your nose. “we were fine. to my knowledge we were and then out of nowhere you act and turn into this-this sour and angry piece of shit that would always knit pick and bitch at me for absolutely anything.” you snapped as you swallowed hard, pushing your hair out of your eyes as you desperatly waited for even a sliver of an explanation.

yixiang rubbed his face as he held it in his hands for a moment, taking in a deep breath to steady himself as he paused for a breif moment. “shit.. was never as easy as you thought it was yn..” you shook your head at that, huffing as you scooted closer to him and dug your nails into the palms of your hand. “then for once, while we’re here explain it. you can’t keep fucking edging me like this and expect me to be fine seeing you three months later.” a dry laugh left your lips as you burned holes into his temples, getting more frustrated by the second as you reached over to grab his jaw and snatch his face to your direction that in all honesty could’ve given him whiplash.

yixiangs face was etched with something you’d only remember seeing a handful of times, times when emotions were to overwhelming for the other when he felt like he’d lost the battle. his eyebrows kitted together and pupils shaking as he gnawed into his lower lip.

“i wasn’t.. healed when we met yn. i had so much fucking shit on my shoulders, my family being miles away and still relying on me, getting fucked over numerous times months before from my last girlfriend, the responsibilites from my job and the demand that came with it, making sure you were safe from the attention it brought, i just.. i couldn’t see past it to cherish you properly without feeling burdened. i couldn’t keep fucking stringing you along like that..”

his words struck a cord in your heart, the way the words made his hands shake and his eyes scan your face for anything had the emotions wanting to break from your eyes and spill down onto your cheeks. your fingers softened their grip on his jaw, moving in small tiny circles as a you tilted your head to the side slightly. “why didn’t you talk to me you fucking loser..” the questioned lingered in the air as he turned your way, hands reaching over to play with the fabric of your sweats as he shuddered. “and scrape more shit onto your plate because of me? fuck no.”

yixiang could feel the way your fingers squeezed his jaw but could care less, just having the feeling of human touch, no, your touch made him lean in as he stared at you as if memorizing you all over again like all those years ago. “xixi.. that’s not the point.. i would’ve fought for you through anything even if it meant fighting you to keep you near.. you hold too much value to me to be bothered by your struggles.” that fucking nickname. the one that made his heart throb, the one he’d been dying to hear since he watched you sit down at that bench while he was on his way to clear his mind this very night.

“i missed you. i missed you so fucking much my love..” that was all it took for you to throw yourself into his arms, into the arms of the man that’d suffocate your dreams every night, your thoughts everytime you’d see something that ressembled him in any sort of way. your arms wrapping around his neck as you held him tight enough you feared you could’ve snapped his neck, yixiangs arms finding their way to your waist to hold you against him giving himself the reasurance you wouldn’t slip through his fingers again.

his lips moved to the shell of your ear as he whispered into it, your arms squeezing him tighter as he uttered apologies and words of affirmation into your ear. “i’m so fucking sorry love.. i won’t leave you like that ever again. it was fucking tourture, i promise i’ll always be right here.” the words made your heart melt, hands gripping his shirt as you pulled back only enough to be meer centimeters from his face. “i still hate you for leaving me like that.” the smile spreading across your face condridicting your words as you leaned in, yixiang meeting you halfway as those soft lips you’d hand’t felt in what you could’ve mistakened for years connected with your own. your lips molding together like clay being molded into beautiful artwork.

after a moment you felt yixiang pull away, a small whine of protest leaving your lips as your bottom lip jutted out while earing you a light chuckle and a stroke of your pouty lip from yixiang. “i swear you haven’t changed one bit.” he snickered as he pinched your bottom lip, earing a gasp from you and a swat at his hands. “but.. you like that about me don’t you xixi?” you chirped as you crawled up and onto his lap, drapping his coat around your shoulders where you knew it always belonged.

“in all honesty, its what i learned to cherish and love about you.”

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