Any tips on staying calm and grounded when talking to people about something they do that makes you uncomfortable? Every time I get into a conflict of “I need this person to change x behaviour bc it makes me feel unwell” I choke and my heart absolutely pounds and I almost cry. It’s really hard in a conflict to know if what I’m asking for is ok or if I’m being a horrible person. For example it’s things like “I don’t want this person to be touchy with me” or “I can’t sleep bc my flatmate is really loud at night”. When I try to approach people I completely dry out and immediately feel ridiculous and rude for ever asking them to make accommodations in my favour. Growing up I learned that my mere existence is painfully annoying to my parents and telling them I felt uncomfortable with something or that I didn’t want to do something I’d be ignored or punished. Now I can’t tell anymore wether I’m being reasonable or a complete arsehole. Also I feel that because of my DID and the trauma I’m already a very easily triggered person , so I might freak out about things others wouldn’t bat an eye at.
It is normal for trauma survivors to have difficulty stating their needs or making requests for things to happen, in such a way that aligns with their desires, because these actions might be tied to times of not having any power regarding having one’s needs met or protecting one’s boundaries in the past. To help with remaining calm, it may be helpful to work both on grounding techniques to remain present, and also on preparing yourself for such discussions in other ways.
Using grounding techniques during a difficult discussion or when experiencing conflict can help to prevent an outburst, dissociation. and keep you in control of your emotions. A good way to do this is to stand up and walk around; this activates the thinking part of your brain. If you are seated, you can place your feet firmly on the floor and notice what it feels like. Other things that focus on your physical senses like drinking something cold or warm or holding/touching something cold, hot, hard, soft may also help keep you present.
Preparing for these kinds of conversations. by gaining understanding of what is within your boundaries and why your requests are valid. is also very helpful when anticipating having to make requests regarding your needs. This may also be helpful in understanding which needs in which you have the sole say (like not being touched without permission) and which needs may involve the making a request and being prepared to negotiate and compromise (like when you are occupying a shared space). Having appropriate expectations of how others may respond to your requests can also decrease the anxiety attached to the conversation. Brene’ Brown is a good author and speaker regarding boundaries. Some of her stuff is available online. Having a good. understanding of boundaries will decrease questions and anxieties about whether you are "bad" or your requests are "unreasonable", allowing the conversation to focus away from your self-worth and toward your goal of meeting your needs. You are worth it.
Also, assessing all of the ways you have power in the situation may also help decrease your anxiety and keep you out of hypervigilance when having the conversation. For instance, in some cases, can you move away from or avoid people who are touchy?- not that you should always have to, but do you have the power to do it? Or if a roommate is loud at night, are there any other ways you have power to improve your situation?- taking naps, noise canceling earphones, aiming toward getting a different roommate, taking advantage of times they aren't around to rest, etc.? Again, these plan B choices may not be ideal, but considering them or activating them now, even before the conversation can help you feel empowered and increase your confidence in meeting your own needs. If you can think of some ways that you still have power, then when you are making your requests to other people, you don’t have to feel like you are giving all of your power away and are just at their mercy. This can reduce hypervigilance during a conversation.
Finally, preparing to use assertive language during your discussion may also increase your sense of calm. Two ways of addressing a situation that you would like to change would be as follows:
In the case of shared space: Can we talk about ____________? I need ______________. (The thing you are doing) is preventing that. Would it be possible for us to come up with some changes that will help us both get what we want sometimes?
In the case of personal space or physical space: Can we talk about _____________? When you do _________________ it makes me feel uncomfortable. Instead, can you ______________________?
It may help if you can write these statements out and have them with you during a conversation, even having the paper in your hand to help with grounding.
Because taking steps of asking for your needs to be met is new, it may feel uncomfortable and may not go perfectly, especially at first. Even failed attempts count as your taking your power back because you are trying rather than remaining powerless. I hope some of this will help in your being able to stay more calm and grounded as you move forward.
~Josha
